Advice on My 9 Year Old Daughter's Struggle in School

A fabulous book on teaching and parenting to children's strengths based on how their brains are wired is: "A Mind at a Time" by Dr. Mel Levine. It's a truly wonderful book that helped me understand my child better.

Being lazy vs. motivated usually comes down to whether material is being introduced in the way that a child's brain will "get it."

Good luck!

I would recommend a tutor center. My daughter was having trouble in math and reading most of her elementary years. We just kept on plugging away every year and then, click, she just got it and now in 7th grade she is doing well. I will tell you I think 7th grade has been by far the toughest. So good for you for trying to tackle it early.

V.,

I think it's worth having her tested to see what's going on. I know someone who does this testing and has an excellent program that gives kids confidence and catches them up when they are behind in learning skills...depending on where you live. I've seen her work wonders with all different types of kids. Let me know if you're interested.

C.

Maybe she is not challenged enough. I know this was the case with me, and I was the class clown. I also have A.D.D. (does your daughter?), and was bored a lot in class, and I acted out. I enjoyed the attention I got by making the other kids laugh. As an adult, I can look back on this and see why I annoyed my teachers! My parents had me tested for the gifted program at my school, and then I got to leave class once a week to go to the gifted group. This helped. I got to channel my energy into something positive. I would look into that as an option for your daughter. Maybe she just needs a more challenging curriculum!

Start by having her eyes tested, not by the school but by an actual optomologist(sp). If things come out fine then I would have the school test her, just to rule out any learning challanges. And if things are still fine then you at least know what you are up against.

Some children are just not motivated when it comes to education, no matter what the parents do, one thing I would do, and this may get some falck, is back off a little, let her learn what the consequences of her actions are going to bring. Set a certain time at night where she does her homework and any studying she needs to do. I know for my kids I won't "go out of my way" they know what they need to do and how to do it and if they don't, things they enjoy start to become property of mom. That is the general rule after 3rd grade, I will help but not be responsible for whether or not they get it done, I have no intentions of following them around as adults when they get a job. But by maybe putting the ball in her court and giving her set rules and times, she might just step up to the plate on her own, especially once she realises mom and dad aren't going to "do it" for her. Good luck, and I hope she figures it out!

I have an eleven year old daughter that has been struggling since she has started school. I noticed something wasn't just right since she was 18 months old. My mom being a retired school teacher also noticed something. We never could pin point the exact problem. My family moved here almost 2 years ago and we have finally found help. The LIFE CENTER at St Mary's hospital has been helping for the last few months. My daughter started with occupational therapy with Teresa for occupational therapy and goes to Ann for speach therapy. My daughter has been tested for several things and this is what we have found out. She is very smart but she doesn't know how to get the information out. It takes her a long time to get things done that should only be a few minutes, she is diorganized, problems that are very easy take her longer to do than harder problems ( 2+2=4 vs. 9x9=81). We can tell when she is processing information and trying to get it out. There is so much more I have to say but maybe this will help if these are some examples of your daughter. Please let me know and I would love to help. I have been through alot with trying to get my daughter some help and even to the point my husband and other family member didn't believe there was/is a problem. A. B.

Maybe she has a disability like ADD or Dislexia, if you get her tested and she does, she can quilify for an IEP that will help. My son is ADHD and his IEP allows him longer times to take tests, less homework, Verbal answers vs. written. They customize a learning program to fit your child wrather than expect your child to fit there learning program.
GL

Hi V.,

Although there are many possibilities, your daughter might be bored. Intelligent children sometimes act this way when they are not challenged. They are so bored and unmotivated they become the class clown not so much to entertain others, but to entertain themselves. You may want to consider taking her to a Learning RX, Sylvan, or something similar to have her evaluated.

L.

my son is 8 and your story and mine seem to be the same, the only advice i have is to have a your older daugter help with the homework. My son who is 15 helps out with his little brother, to me it has been a win win situation. My sons are bonding plus my 8yr old is learning better because he seems to feel my frustration when i help him and just misbehaves more. I wish you the best and hopefully this is just a stage that our children are going through. Jay a mom in colorado

Hey V.,
I bet that what you're going through is very difficult. My son is still too young for school, but I have been through this with many kids as a teacher, after school tutor, missionary and family member. You may be tired of teachers' advice but I thought I'd try to offer some ideas. My MUCH younger sister went through this and is now a straight A high school student. I think basically you'll just have to find what makes her tick. Maybe pizza or having a friend over at the end of the week would be something to motivate her. Maybe icecream out with mom (by herself). One thing that you might try is getting her to see how talented she is. Many times when school doesn't come easy for a child they can get discouraged and loose their self confidence. Finding something fun that showcases her talents might help with that and a confindence builder might help her school work. My last idea (finally right:) is to try to get her to do it on her own. I have seen several times where the most attentive parents struggled with this. Some of the time it was just learning overload on the child. . . remember that sometimes a person just isn't a good test taker. Other times a child may have a ton of homework because instead of asking questions at school they wait to ask mom at home which means she may go all school day confused on the subject and not ask questions to figure it out until she is behind on homework. Then your evening is shot and she spends her days confused. As a classroom teacher I told parents a maximum time I wanted their children to spend on homework and if they were going above that I asked them to let me know. No 9 year-old should spend all day studying with no fun, exercise or relaxation. Set a timer and see if she can get her homework done on her own. Check it with her breifly and in case of a test study an extra half hour to forty-five minutes every night that week instead of all in one night. Well, I hope you find one of these ideas helpful if not all. If all else fails talk to her teacher and/or look into tutors in the area for extra ideas or just to take a little load off of your plate. Good luck.

Have her hearing and eyes checked. You might also look into things like testing to see if she is dyslectic or ADD. ADD could manifest like laziness.

My 9 yr. old by in the 4th grade was doing the same thing last year in school. He is very intelligent and was very bored. To make matters worse, the school we go to is extremely overcrowded! He started goofing off because he would get his work done during class and then read the rest of the time. He didn't want to be there. We ended up finding out about a home schooling option online that is free through our district called K-12. We were very nervous about pulling him from public school because of what the neighbors thought, etc. but we realized we needed to do what was best for him. This year has been much better. The first 2 months of home schooling was difficult. My 7 yr. old daughter in 2nd grade wanted to make our classroom just like the one she had last year. We had to learn to create our own schedule and have fun. We are still learning, but this program helped us get our feet wet with the transition into homeschooling and I have seen a remarkable difference in both of our kids. They are happier, kinder to each other, more respectful to me, they are learning a ton and are being challenged enough to keep them busy. We have our days when it is difficult, but when that happens, we take a deep breath and a break and then figure out a different approach that we can all live with. Life has slowed down and I don't feel like I have to rush them out the door every morning. We get more time together and we all love it! It is also nice to have them around for the younger kids (4 and 9 months) too. If you can do it, I would recommend it!

The other thing that is important is socialization. My boy gets more time with his friends now than ever before because he has no homework and is often done with school and jobs before the others get out of school. We have parties with their friends on the weekends and we allow for friends to eat over, etc. Kids get frustrated when they feel like all they are doing is homework and learning. They need time to let down and be kids. I also agree with natural consequences and we use the Love and Logic approach with him. He seems to respond much better when I allow him to make decisions and choices instead of trying to control his every move. If he is lazy or sloppy on his work, however, I have him redo it. (consequences) He's learning what is expected of him and he does better the next time.

A few things, have her eyes checked, maybe she has a vision problem and cant see the words or it is hard for her to actually focus. Since she is acting out or acting like the class clown, she is trying to avert attention to herself which means shes not understanding. You may also want to get her tested for special learning disabilities, she could have dislexia, short term attention disorder, a ton of things. Just don't "assume" she's lazy. I'm almost 100% sure there is something more there, that you are not aware of. I was in this same situation when I was in 4th grade- (now 34), and I was finally diagonsed with multiple learning disabilities and just need some extra tutoring, and I also needed glasses- I couldnt see- and everything was FUZZY!

Good luck! ALSO, she hates that she doesnt understand more than you, no little girl wants to be the class clown or fail, TRUST ME.

Your daughter needs to be tested at the Resource Center at your school. She may have a learning disability. Don't blame her or call her lazy. If she has a disability it would make schoolwork a lot harder and would require more effort. Even if she doesn't have a disability you need to give her a more positive outlook. She will do better if she does not feel like a failure. Resource should have some programs in training her to have better study habits. If this goes nowhere, try one of the professional learning centers. They can train her and you to develop good study habits without having to have her do homework all day. Every child needs to play. It is part of their learning experience.

You might try giving her a half hour of play time (no video games or television) after school before homework. After being in school all day every kid (and adult) needs some down time. Research has actually shown that this helps children's concentration and absorption of material because it gives the brain a rest. Physical activity and fresh air is very important, so sending her outside whenever possible is a plus as well. It will have the additional benefit of giving you a break from what is probably a struggle between the two of you and possibly help your own attitude, which might be contributing to the problem without you even knowing it. Many adults don't realize, or accept, that kids are much better than us at picking up non-verbal communication and we tend to send them messages we don't realize we're sending, even though we make an effort not to do so. Given that you're frustrated enough to ask this question, I'm guessing this might be the case. Also, positive messages work better than negative, so heap the praise on when she has successes.

Talking to her teacher and putting something in place on which you both agree might also be helpful. The teacher-student relationship can make a world of difference.

Hope that helps.

I am a professional tutor. I recommend you find one yourself and ask if they have experience with difficult but bright children. Many times, it's just the pattern presented to the child for study. It takes creativity to inspire some to learn the material, and even more to get them involved in the classroom.

If paying for a regular private tutor is not in your budget, maybe consider two or three visits with a capable tutor (so they can get to know your child's psychology) and ask them to give you a list of games, tricks, or alternative methods that would be helpful to your daughter.

V., we also have a 9 yr old daughter who struggles with schoolwork. We used to do the same thing as what you are doing now, to no effect. The more pressure we put on her to do better the worse she got. After having several talks with the school we found she was actually doing perfectly OK for her age group. We have a 12 year old who excells in everything and compared to her my 9 yr would look really bad. So we laid back a bit, helped her with her homework when necessary, praised her when she did get it right and acknowledged that she never was going to be an academic. I don't believe making a 9yr study late into the night is healthy and putting intense pressure onto a child at that age is counter productive. Our daughter surprised us totally, when we took a lot of the presuure off her she seemed to naturally thrive. Now she is eager to get to school and will attempt things without getting so frustrated and angry.
I believe she takes after her father, who admits to having a 'lazy brain'. Its works fine, you just need to find the right buttons to push to put it into gear.

I would stay with the fact she cannot go have fun until she studies, that will eventually work. Also try getting a tutor for her. Sometimes someone besides a parent can give her tools that will help her want to learn. I would also start taking maybe bigger priveledges away, birthday parties, outtings, computer, etc until she applies herself. Maybe also talk to her teacher to make sure she doesn't suffer from any learning disability, dislexia is a common factor that causes kids to lose focus. Hang in there...

My sister has a son who is smart but wasn't finishing assignments and things just because. She told him the next time he brought home an unfinished assignment or a bad grade on a test they were going to have a focus day so he could learn to focus, where they spent the entire day focusing on stuff. A couple of pure focus days made him realize that focusing on and doing well on his school work was better than spending his entire day focusing. Kind of a positive spin on something that has the potential to always be negative. Good Luck

I would recommend not just taking it at eye level. It may appear to everyone that she just doesn't care but there is usually something deeper causing the action. I have been in your shoes and I know how hard it can be. She may be acting like the class clown to hide her real feelings or emotions. It may help to get some advice from the school counselor, especially if this is a new behavior. Good luck and my thoughts are with you.

Your story sounds very similar to what I went through... my daughter is very intelligent and did really well in school until about 4th grade and then her attitude started changing to where she thought school wasn't important and she was asking why she even had to go to school in the first place.

For her, it was just a phase as she was adjusting to the early pre-teen years (and yes, they start that early now). She was also very bored by the classes as they didn't challenge her enough. Oftentimes she would get her work done in class and then sit and text on her cellphone and then get in trouble. Of course, she had started hanging out with some other kids who thought school was lame and I know that had a big influence.

Fortunately, as she and her friends have gotten older, they have ALL readjusted their attitudes to believing school IS somewhat important and are working harder. She is now 12 and going into Junior High this fall and is extremely excited about that. We're signing her up for all the AP classes (math, social studies, english) to help ensure that she's not bored.

I think you are doing the right things by helping her study and being consistent in pressing that school is important, and in taking things away. My daughter didn't get a birthday party last year because her whole attitude had become "everything's lame, whatever". Wow, did that change her attitude fast!

Sorry this is so long, I just want to stress that she is in a transisitional phase and will try out different attitudes and behaviours for a while until she figures out who to be as a young woman. Good luck! :)

Hi V.. My kids are not yet in school, but I have worked for many years with school age kids and their parents. I've found that while many kids don't respond well to consequences or things being taken away, they respond well to rewards. This can be big rewards that may take a while to receive, but more importantly, really small rewards that give a child the immediate feeling of accomplishment. Have your child help you come up with rewards they would be willing to work for. It definitely has to be something really important to them. If they can get excited about working for something they want and get that feeling of accomplishment, it might help overall. Hope this helps!

You've gotten such great advice already, and I agree wholeheartedly with all of it. I'll chime in specifically on Jennifer's remarks about giving your daughter more responsibility. This is a bit different, but with my neice anything related to hygiene was an epic struggle -- she was about 8 or 9 years old. I mean hitting, kicking, screaming, and yelling "I hate you!" struggles... she just didn't seem to care if her teeth were brushed, hair was washed, body was cleaned, etc. Child psycologist said the processes had become a power struggle and that the best way to win it was to simply stop the fight; meaning just let her win. They stopped forcing her through all the cleaning and told her to be ready for bed or to go to school by a certain time -- if she hadn't brushed, washed or bathed by that time, it was treated as no big deal. For about two weeks that little girl walked around SO disgusting... but I'll tell you what, she learned that it didn't feel good to be dirty and soon she started doing everything without being asked. She felt the consequence of her choices, no longer had a power struggle to win, and so she felt empowered to make her own "grown up decision." She actually seemed more mature about doing schoolwork and other chores after that experience, as well. She finally felt she carried the responsibility for her choices and it made her so happy... Better for her to learn all this at 8 years old than to grow up to be an unhappy, passive-agressive, codependent adult :0) There's absolutely hope for your daughter -- good luck!

Hi V.,

I do hope that things with your daughter are still looking up. I just wanted to let yo know about a couple of options i case there is a concern. If she struggling with learning you could try Brain Integration Technique and Nutritional Therapy. They have done wonders for me and many others that I know. The BIT website is www.openpathwaystolearning.com and you can always check out my website I would be happy to help. www.myherblady.com

Best of health,
R.

Sounds just like me - at that age. I have dyslexia. A very ‘normal’ learning disability, that usually goes unidentified, but has ALL of the examples you write about..
For instance:
You wrote: <<< I know she can do better. She is a smart child when she applies herself. How do I get her more focused and WANT to do better?>>>
Dyslexia often goes unidentified, because most dyslexic’s have above average intelligence, they just have trouble decoding the written language. Thus their teachers and parents say “she is a smart child IF only she’d just apply herself . . . ” or <<<She is basically lazy and does not want to do the work.>>> and she <<<acts as the class clown.>>> Do you realize how smart you have to be to be the class clown? This is actually VERY common for dyslexic’s. It takes the focus off of the work that they “get” but can’t seem to translate into the written language.
In fact many geniuses are dyslexic, or had symptoms of dyslexia, including: Thomas Edison, Alexander Bell, and Einstein. Andy Warhol, Ansel Adams, etc. (see link for more names: http://www.dyslexia.com/qafame.htm)

<<<We help her every night on her homework and study for tests until late at night. - - - She ends up failing most of the tests we study for.>>> I bet the tests she does bad on are multiple choice. I remember studying for tests, and knowing ALL the material but still getting a C. (Or worse) Multiple choice tests play havoc with the dyslexic mind. In that type of test there is usually one question that is easy to dismiss - totally wrong. And two that are close to the right answer. One that is right. Ask her to answer the question with out the 4 choices, just in her own words, and I bet she gets it right.
<<<We have tried taking things away from her and she seems not to care.>>>
<<<She doesn't get to play very much because she is not doing well in school.>>>
Have you had her tested for dyslexia? You will need to do this outside of the public schools because most PS schools do not test or offer special education for dyslexia. They will look you in the eye and tell you she is not dyslexic. Because they are not set up to test it nor address it once it is diagnosed. Until you have her tested - until you know wether she even has control over what is happening, you may want to suspend the discipline.
A wonderful book that you can read - that will also give you more information re: this is called: “The gift of dyslexia”.
Now, having said all that, I may be completely wrong. I don’t know your daughter or you. It’s just that reading your post felt like I’d walked through a time warp. It was like instant replay of my life. If only my parents had known then, what we know now about dyslexia, things could have been so different. Sooo - this may help, or it may not, but in any event enjoy your daughters childhood! You only get 18 years out of 70 +/- of her life. Enjoy every minute of it!
God Bless,
S. Johnson

My daughter, who is now 21 years old, had the same issues when she was 9 years old. The fact is, she was bored in school. She was also very physical - she like to climb trees, play football, run, jump rope, etc., and sitting in a classroom for hours at a time doing work that was not stimulating to her was extremely difficult for her. She was extremely bright and capable, but very unhappy.

To make a long story short, after much research and discussion on the subject, we decided to pull her out of school and homeschool her. I saw an immediate change in her - she was back to her happy, high-energy self in no time and having her home gave us an opportunity to create a way for her to learn while still having fun. She had school work that she had to do, but she could get up, move around, go play for awhile if she wanted to before getting back to her work. She could eat, sleep and pee when she wanted to and was not bound to someone telling her what she needed to do and when she needed to do it. Being a free-spirit from the moment of birth, this lifestyle allowed her the freedom she needed while still giving her the opportunity to learn in a more stimulating environment.

When you consider that classrooms today generally have 20-35 students each, you can grasp how impossible it is for any teacher, no matter how gifted and caring they are, to meet the needs of each individual student. Each child is different, has an individual learning style, and completely different needs. Homeschooling allows you to tailor your child's learning experience to their needs. I have three children who have some things in common, but mostly they are individuals who like different things and experience life in very different ways. Homeschooling has allowed me the freedom to provide the best possible learning experiences based on each child's desires, learning styles and choices. The best part of it, for me, has been the opportunity to learn with my children, and spend a lot more time with them than most parents get to spend with their children.

I'm not saying that homeschooling is for everyone. I'm simply suggesting that you might want to check it out as an option. There are many homeschooling websites that you can find by simply googling "homeschooling." You can also narrow the search to include your city name and find a local homeschooling group to connect with homeschoolers in your area that you can speak with personally to gather information.

Since we began homeschooling 12 years ago because of my oldest daughter's difficulties in school, I've homeschooled two of my other children and I've never looked back. It was, without a doubt, the best decision I ever made.

T.

It's always difficult to deal with children struggling in school. I am a teacher, and know first-hand that there can be many reasons why a child struggles. Fourth grade is the beginning of a big transition time for kids, so habits may change. These are just a few things that come to mind: is there a conflict with the teacher? is there a particular subject that is causing her problems? have her vision and hearing been tested recently? has the teacher mentioned anything that would make you think your daughter is having difficulty learning (specifically in reading or math)? has there been a recent change in friends or with home life?

These things may help you reach a solution, maybe not, but as a teacher, I think they are worth looking into. Good luck, and maybe, she's just being a kid and testing limits and will move on quickly.

V.,
Are you sure it is not a learning disability? If she is studying and doing homework as much as you say she should be doing really well. Look into it, she might have something more going on.
C. B