29 answers

Advice on How to Deal with Child Stealing

Is anyone aware of any type of programs or counseling that deals with children stealing & compulsive lying? My 14 yr old daughter has developed a fetish for stealing cell phones most have been from classmates and some have been from outside friends. The police have been out twice to speak with her about it, but have not taken her turn her over to juvenile, because the owners of the phones have decided not to press charges. My husband and I have tried everything from grounding, removing her room privileges until it times to go to bed, to spanking, to ISS at school and nothings seems to be working she just keeps doing it. I know a lot of children these days are obsessed with texting but this is completely out of control and embarrassing when I have to take the phones back up to the school. I wish I could locate some type of scared straight program. Any ideas or suggestions would be most appreciated.

Revision;

Thank you to everyone that took the time to respond and give me advice. I guess in my initial request above I didn't give enough detail, so here goes. My husband and I have been married for 10yrs and we dated for 2yrs prior, so he has been raising my daughter since she was 2yrs old, to her he is dad... so we don't have the issues that some might have with me re-marrying when she was much older and having to deal with the "you can't tell me what to do you're not my real father". She also has a pretty close relationship with her biological dad whom she talks too about twice a week.

We live in a very nice neighborhood in a house that I dreamed off when I was a little girl (environment is not a factor) my daughter has had everything under the sun that a child could want i.e...cell phones, computer, nice clothes & shoes, goes to the salon to have her hair done, video game systems, ipods...you name it she's had it. And, because I chose to have my children so far a part in age she was the only child for quite sometime. She didn't start taking these phones until her own phone privileges had been taken away because all she wanted to do was text and talk on it day in and day out. She refused to do school work, chores, socialized with her sisters and family. At the time she was still able to use the house phone until I realized she was making long distance calls to several different boys and had ran the phone bill up to over $500 and had use of the computer for school until I found out she was using it to log onto MYSPACE (which she wasn't until recently old enough to even set up a page) so she lied and said she was 18. She started posting and sending nude photos to god knows who. Don't get me wrong I love my daughter she is truly my heart I want so much more for her than what I had, however when I was 14 yr I wasn’t even comfortable enough with my body to even take nude photos and surely would not have put them anywhere that someone could see them. She has stolen a laptop from school before also. I know I generalized it as a “cell phone fetish” because that’s what she had taken the most of but any kind of communication equipment she can get her hands on.

My concern is that I have 2 small girls at home that are very impressionable and I need to keep there safety in mind as well. I don't know how old these boys are that she is chatting with but they are way more experienced than her and she doesn't have a clue. She has seen a doctor in the past few weeks that has confirmed that she is not sexually active, but if she keeps this up with what I've read from these text it won't be long. My daughter has been in counseling on and off since 4th grade which is when she was diagnosed with ADHD, she was retested last year and I was told that her ADHD did not warrant her to continue to be in abbreviated classes so they put her in regular classes and she has done pretty well.

This is not the first big situation we have dealt with. When she was 5 and went to visit her biological dad she made a false accusation that he had touched her, after it was investigated and she was talked to again she told the officer that she made it up because she was mad at him for not getting her some new toy and that her friend had told her that’s the way to get your parents in trouble when you are mad at them. Needless to say her biological dad never stopped communication with her, he forgave and forgot. I love my daughter she is truly my heart but she gives new meaning to “DRUMMA” .When she was in 5th grade she ran away because she receive a “D” on her report card and didn’t want to bring it home for us to see. The entire community along with dogs, helicopters, and police on foot were out looking for her all night for hours thinking someone had taken her. A neighbor of ours even had flyer printed up wither photo going from door to door passing them out.

We’ve gone a few years without incident and now this has been going on since August. In total my daughter has taken over 15-20 phones that I know of, she has admitted to throwing away several phones after they stopped working and she has stolen over $400 in cash maybe more, the police have been out to our house twice in less than 6 months, because the owners of 2 of the phones did there own investigating and figured out by pulling the number from there online bill that she had the phones. The police came to our house and she still refused to tell them where the phones were. My husband and I had to basically go through the house until we found them. These 2 owners decided after they found out she was a minor not to press charges so we made an agreement to just pay the cell bill. (Not doing that anymore) After all that just last week when I decided to do a random check of her book bag I found 4 cell phones. I took her right into the principles office with me and made her turn the phones over. She was immediately placed in ISS and just last Friday I was informed that charges have been filed and she has now been taken to Juvenile……it is now out of my hands and I basically have to wait to go before a judge.

While all of this is going on we have regularly attended church, my mother is a motivational speaker at her church and she has spoken with her and prayed with her, my aunt who went through something similar to this with her son talked to her, I have had talks & tears with her myself, my husband has talked to her, her biological dad has talked to her, both of her grandparents have spoken with her, a friend of mine who she stole $300 in cash from talked to her, the police have talked to her. I have had CPS come to my house behind me disciplining her , which went know where after they investigated and found that she had lied. She has apologized for her actions but continues to go back and do the same thing. I believe she does still need counseling, however at this point a visit to the Juvenile facility can’t hurt either because she is putting my family in jeopardy by continuing to steal and bringing stolen items into the house. She told my husband and me the other day that she was tired of us talking to her about her stealing and that she didn’t want to discuss it anymore and that we are not going to keep her from talking to her friends. Sorry this is so long but I just wonder if I am the only one dealing with something like this. I know a lot of parents deal with drugs and alcohol with there kids I think this is pretty much up there with that. Everyone that sees her and talks to her says “oh no not her she’s so sweet”. All I can say is that she is a very good actress and if you are not on your P’s & Q’s you wouldn’t think anything. Even her school teachers, counselors and principal had no idea that she was the cause of all the missing item complaints they were receiving, so she is very manipulating and she will turn on the tears

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What can I do next?

So What Happened?™

Thank you to everyone that took the time to respond and give me advice. Daughter has been arrested from school for stealing again and is now atthe Juvenile facility waiting to go before a Judge. I truly hope this makes a difference in the furture choices she makes.

Featured Answers

I agree with Jenna and some of the others. This sounds like Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. If it is, then all of the punishment in the world will not stop the behavior because she is literally unable to stop it. I would get her evaluated by a Counselor or Psychologist. She may need medicine as well as behavior modification therapy. If she truly is unable to stop, then making her feel like she's just "bad" may do a lot of serious damage to her self-esteem. Whatever the reason for her behavior, it is a definite cry for help. I don't believe in "scared straight" programs either. I've seen them fail time and time again. Especially if an underlying mental disorder is the true reason for the behavior. Ideally you should get her evaluated by a mental health professional as quickly as possible.
Best wishes,
E.

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Since that is the only thing she steals, it sounds more psychological than anything else. Maybe you should consult a psychologist who specializes in teens. You might try Dr. Ray Levy ###-###-####, who is on Dallas Parkway close to Trinity Mills. I think he deals more with oppositional behavior, but someone in his practice may be what you need.

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I would get her into counseling to find out why she is stealing. If she does it again, I would make her take the phone back to the school.

Good luck!

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Hi D.,

I am going to go against much of the advice here, but I was a juvenile probation for years and worked with kids in Alternative School settings and I am not much of a believer in Scared Straight programs. For the most part they don't work, sort of like "Just Say No" programs. Kids just don't believe it can happen to them. The first thing that came to mind is she is seeking attention...positive or negative, she wants attention.

I would look for a really good counselor for her that would also do family therapy if necessary. What has changed in her life? Did this sort of behavior start when your 2 year old started getting more mobile? Does she have to watch her siblings a lot? Is she having to be more grown-up to help with her siblings? Did she have a major blow up with friends before this started? Did she break-up with a boyfriend? Is she drinking or using recreational drugs? Did something traumatic happen when she was younger and now she is acting out? These are the sort of issues I would explore with a professional.

You may want to contact a Juvenile Probation Department to see if they have some really good counselors they can refer you to. If they do, they are experienced in working with kids who may not be very forthcoming or honest. I know someone in Denton, but you don't say where you live. It may be worth it to investigate professional help before it gets to the point she is in the system.

Good luck and don't give up on her.
A.

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Hi,

Hang in there! This sounds hard. The one thing that jumped out at me when I read your email is that you are the one returning the phones and suffering the embarrassment. I think it would be more effective if it was your daughter who has to look the people in the eyes, apologize, and return the phones. You may need to be there to make sure she does it, but she needs to see and feel the consequences. You could also contact a jail/prison chaplain to "host" a little visit to a jail or prison to do your own version of a "scared straight" program that you mentioned in your email. Does your daughter have a cell phone? Maybe someone needs to "steal" her cell, so she experiences both sides of the consequences. How is that cell phone bill getting paid? You could "tie some consequences" to her cell phone. I'm sure there is some school counselor or someone connected with the juvenile system that could offer more help or at least more referrals. Bottomline, I don't think you should sheild her from any of the effects of her actions (which will be hard for you to watch as a mom). However, she needs to experience them to learn. I would check into counseling for her, too. I agree with the others that the stealing needs to be addressed in a counseling environment. It can be pricey, but so worth it. There are price discounts and other payment options too. This may sound extreme, but it would be even better if somehow your daughter could help pay for the counseling sessions like allowance or babysitting money, car savings account, or even college savings account, etc.(more consequences).

I wish I could offer more help. It is such a cliche to say, but my heart does go out to you.

Holly M.

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Why are YOU taking the phones back up to the school and getting embarrassed? Shouldn't she be doing that?

It appears obvious to me that she wants attention. She's stealing something that people will NOTICE and be upset is gone, and she's letting people know that SHE has them.

Are your children from different fathers? Based on their ages, I'm guess that perhaps you were married to her father, got divorced, remarried (bringing a new man into "her" home) then you had babies with the new husband. She lost you and your full attention to the new husband and babies.

She's begging for your full attention.

Now what to do about it? I will have to let someone with more experience in this area to advise you, but hopefully knowing what is causing the problem is will help to figure out how to stop it.

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you might want ot look into some kind of bootcamp. I know some other cities here in texas have one and i am sure there should be one in fort worth http://www.helpmyteen.com/index.html?kw=misc&src=ga&a... here is a website that might help you find one.

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I had a student once who I privetly refferred to as "sticky fingers". Granted she was a bit younger that your daughter, but going to counseling really helped her. I don't know the details of what happened in counseling, but it turned out that stealing was just a symptom of an entirely different situation she was unable to cope with. Sorry about my spelling, too tired to fix. I ended up having that student for 2 consecutive years and the 2nd year she never stole.

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I agree with Jenna and some of the others. This sounds like Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder. If it is, then all of the punishment in the world will not stop the behavior because she is literally unable to stop it. I would get her evaluated by a Counselor or Psychologist. She may need medicine as well as behavior modification therapy. If she truly is unable to stop, then making her feel like she's just "bad" may do a lot of serious damage to her self-esteem. Whatever the reason for her behavior, it is a definite cry for help. I don't believe in "scared straight" programs either. I've seen them fail time and time again. Especially if an underlying mental disorder is the true reason for the behavior. Ideally you should get her evaluated by a mental health professional as quickly as possible.
Best wishes,
E.

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As a counselor (mostly with children and adolescents) I have 3 things to advise.
1)There is no way to diagnose your daughter's issues without a counselor or psychologist seeing her- and even then at this age, diagnosis with a disorder can be damaging- OCD, kleptomania, and all those other disorders listed are serious- it is most likely an adolescent phase. I disagree with all those moms on here who gave you diagnosis- unless you are trained in psycholgical diagniosis and testing- there is no way for you to dispense such advice (especially based on a short posting!) Just reading about it on the internet or having a friend have something like it- does not make up for years of training, education, and experience.
2) See a counselor, therapist, or psychologist- if you can get one who sub-specializes in children or adolescents- the better. Counselors who see adults can see teens- but my experience is- they don't always have a lot of success- teens and adults are differnt and not all counselors see that. Depending on where you live- I might have some referrals, or you can call up the major university's in the area and see if they have any references- there are tons of agencies in the metroplex specifically for teens and children. If you have insurance- ask the counselor specifically what thier experience is working with children/teens.
3)Scared straight programs don't work! It is why DARE failed and was taken out of schools. Just say No and scaring someone with consequences doesn't have a lasting impression. Coupled with counseling and other techniques it can be useful, but never alone.

My other suggestions would be: have you asked her what she gets out of stealing the phones, ask her what she thinks the consequences should be, and there are tons of others, but you really should see a counselor- even a family counselor could be beneficial.
I wish you luck.

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This may seem a bit harsh, but I would send her right to juvie w/the police.......maybe you could call and speak w/the officer(s) that have come to your house and get them to do something for you! Maybe some type of counseling as well...she obviously knows it's wrong, but WHY is she doing it???

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