Advice on How to Confront a Neighbor?

If it were me, I'd approach the kids and tell them to stop. It's dangerous, don't let me catch you doing it.

If they tell Mom (unlikely) then you can explain you were worried since they were playing chicken with moving cars.

Otherwise, they may just stop! Problem solved!
If they don't, approach the mom and let them know you're concerned.

Really, does everything a child does involve a call to CPS if there isn't a parent helicoptering overhead somewhere?

Geeze, don't call the cops or CPS over this, that is gonna cause more problems then what is going on. Otherwise I agree with the rest of the moms. I didn't want to repeat what the others were saying but I saw the calling CPS and the police I wanted to say something. FYI just becasue a kid is being a pain in the butt it doesn't mean anything is going on at home.

Just be kind, short and sweet and tell them what you saw their child doing. I would respect that if I was this kids mom.

Instead of confronting the parents, why don't you talk to the kids first? 6 and 8 is plenty big to understand the message, and If you're looking out for them, go directly to them. If anything, threaten to go talk to the parents if they don't listen, but try to talk to them first.

Sometimes the parents are just not aware what the kids are up to. A few years back I was coming home with my son from daycare (he must have been about 1 yr old at the time), and this child about 8 yrs old was standing in the middle of the street waving my car over. He said something about a safety check. I asked him 'Does you Mom know you are doing this?" and where he lived and he points to the house we were in front of which was a bit down the block from my house. I told him to stay off the street and went home. But it bothered me the kid was doing this. So I carried my son and walked to the kids house. I knocked on the door and his Mom answered holding a baby on one hip and a toddler grabbing her other leg. I said "Ma'am, I was just coming home and your older boy was in the middle of the street and he pulled me over for a 'safety check?'. There are people who would just grab a kid off the street, and if a child of mine was doing something like that I would sure like to know about it. I just thought you should know.". She had no idea. The boy was playing policeman and she was going to have a few words with him about it. She thanked me as one Mom to another. I didn't see him in the street anymore after that.

Make sure to never imply that they are not doing a good job, or they will get defensive. The next time one of the children do something dangerous take it to the parents as a "I know this will shock you and I would want to know if my child did this" approach.

The other moms have given good advice.

We live on cul-de-sac and have a neighbor who lets their kids run around unsupervised (ages 2 and 5). The mom is so sweet, and the dad is a blast, they just get preoccupied and don't pay as much attention as other parents.

I'd be honest as the other parents suggested - that you noticed something (take your pick of concerns) and wanted to bring it to their attention because you were concerned something might happen.

My guess is that they're completely oblivious about the extent of all the things going on.

I agree that the parents probably have no clue that their boys are behaving that dangerously. I personally would go to them and say something like..........."I was watching the kids play and at one point I saw your boys (insert behavior here). I've been trying to decide whether or not I should bring it to your attention and ultimately realized that if anything ever happened to them and they were hurt, that I wouldn't be able to live with the fact that I knew they were playing unsafe and did nothing. So, I'm telling you this so that I can clear my conscience and know I did the right thing. By no means am I trying to be rude or disrespectful in any way. I just want everyone to be safe"
Basically, I would play the "I'm doing what I need to do to get a good night's sleep again" card! LOL Just be very pleasant and kind when you go over there. They will probably be very greatful that their neighbor cares enough about their children to want to protect them. =0)

I'd talk to the boys first. Keep it about you and adult drivers:

"I am alarmed when I see kids running up to cars, because I know as a driver how hard it is to see everything that's happening and know when a child is suddenly in my path. It's a frightening thing for a grownup to almost hit a kid, no matter who caused it. It would be a horrible thing to have to live with if an accident actually happened. And it would be horrible for your parents if you got hurt, too. I don't want to see you play that game in our alley any more. If you do, I will have to talk to your parents."

That may do the job. If it doesn't, give the same kind of information to the parents. They are very unlikely to be upset with you if you speak in terms of your own fear, concern, and possible liability.

L.,
When you do this you have to do it very tactful, just tell the parents that you don't want their children to get hurt and although they are young and they probably just don't listen to them (the parents) you just want to make them aware of what is going on, since you know that they will be devastated if something happens to their little ones. And then, just go on telling them what their kids are doing.
Don't ever let them think that you know they are not being good parents, but rather that the children are not obeying them. That should help somewhat.
Worse case scenario, call the police and see if they can come and talk to the kids.
Blessings

I'd probably talk to the neighbors about me being afraid that I could hit the kids that play in the alley, ask them if they ever feel like that & then ask them what they suggest you do to avoid that catastrophe. I would leave out the part that the kids (THEIR kids) are darting around the cars. Also, having this conversation within earshot of the kids wouldn't hurt.

I might talk to the boys about the dangers of moving cars on a separate conversation. The kids in my neighborhood would listen and think about this, but I do know that other kids could take this as a kind of dare to be even more reckless in their play - so this may or may not be good advice in your situation.

"A gift given in secret pacifies anger..." Proverbs 21:14

Hello L.,

What a wise approach in asking for feedback before plowing up this new ground. Parents are so easily offended these during this time. Not having a strategy of our own makes us edgy and spiritually volatile. Yet we need each other to succeed. If you were my neighbor I would be grateful for what you are about to do in preventing intensely greater heartache. Having been confronted in less than healthy ways when my son was young, I can share a few thoughts on how I would like to have been treated in a situation like yours.

1.
It sounds like you do not have an open relationship with your neighbor where you are close friends, so rather than banging on the front door with a witness like a neighbor did to me, you may want to send them a hand written invitation to breakfast or lunch this weekend: couple to couple or family to family?

2.
Rather than bringing down the law of the alley on their already emotional heads, consider inviting them to share their feedback on your parenting approach first. While we can easily spot the splinter in another person's eye, allowing them to shine a spot light on us first can set a tone of humility in our own hearts, while opening the door for them to ask you the same question all on their own.

There are many ways of getting your point across, and in a nation as hostile and anti-family as ours, I congratulate you in advance for showing your children and theirs how it's suppose to be done!

Believe well!

A. Z.
http://www.HomeOfficeMommy.com

Honesty is always best. I would just go over promptly next time either you or your hubby pull in and the kids go towards the car. Just be nice and express your concern..."I just pulled in and the boys were trying to ride their bikes around my car...I could have hit them...it was scary"!

If hearing how their kids almost just got hit by a car doesn't prompt them to teach them about safety, I don't know what will? Maybe the idea of having a police officer come and give all the kids a lesson in safety would be a good next step?

Honesty is the best policy. Since they're not out there watching their kids...I'd just approach them and tell them what the boys are doing. don't mention anything about them being absent or not parenting well or anything like that. Just simply tell them that the boys are aiming for cars and you're concerned and that either you didn't feel it was your place to discipline them as they are not your children or let them know that the children are not listening to you if you do tell them to be careful of cars.

I live in a similar type neighborhood with the garages behind the houses and luckily all the parents go super slow...but sometimes kids do dart out from nowhere and I've mentioned to their parents that they have to remind their kids that this is still a street and that not everyone may know kids are always at play back there.
Good luck.

Hi Lyndsay -

It's obvious you are a concerned neighbor. I feel the best way to tackle this is head on in your caring and compassionate way. It sounds like they need to be helped with how to parent. Walk the children home and explain that their children don't understand safety in the alley and need more supervision to prevent being run over. I'm sure you can share your ideas on how to keep them safe...you shouldn't have to be the babysitter either! Is there an HOA you can go to without them finding out (if you are apprehensive about approaching them directly)?

Best of luck -
Chris

I might share with them some of the near-misses you have seen and how you worry about their boys being hit by someone. Share about the speeding or driving poorly and how the boys ride very close to the cars. You might even share how you worry about your own getting too close to them and how you would never want to see them hurt. Sharing in this caring (not blaming) manner can help. Good luck! S. A. K., MFT

Can't read all responses so may duplicate - sorry in advance...
Here's my advice:
1. If you're REally outgoing and can pull something like this off, organize the moms of the neighborhood for an informal get-together (or piggyback on a neighborhood activity, BBQ, B-day party, etc.) and steer the discussion around to how YOU would want to have your kids dealt w/ by concerned neighbors if they were doing something unsafe. May spark some conversation w/ Mom Unaware.
2. If you are reasonably close w/ Mom Unaware, ask her directly how she wants you to deal w the situation when you see it again. She may be dealing with this problem on her own and need to bounce some ideas off another concerned parent or need an advocate/ back-up to drive home the ideas she is already trying to instill.
3. If you are not close w/ Mom Unaware, perhaps you can speak to the Homeowners Association about sending out a specific notice to all residents reminding parents about "close calls" in the alley. Give them specifics that they can include about incidents so all the parents in the neighborhood can talk to their kids about safety. Have them re-iterate at the next newsletter. They may also be able to confront Mom Unaware personally. Additionally, you may be able to include the neighborhood watch patrols into the plan to help these little guys get the idea if parents are MIA.
Hope this helps.
:-)
jen

I would let her know that I am nervous about kids getting hurt by a car (that this is my issue - I am hypervigilent about it - saying this first may help her hear me better about her kids). Then, I would let her know a couple things I have seen from her kids that have made me nervous, stressing that I would hate to see anything happen to anyone. It is always hard talking to someone about something if you feel that they may become defensive. This seems like something that needs to be addressed though. You can always say something to the kids when you see this behavior to help them stay safe too. Good luck!

tellour neibors that you seen thier kids doing what youve seen and you are worried about what could happen to them then its up to them to do what they want A. no hills

I would leave a very straight forward anonymous letter stating your concerns, details to back these concerns up, and a warning that you will call child protective services if things dont change immediately. Then, if things dont change, I would call child protective services. Could you imagine how you would feel if something bad happened and you did nothing???

Personally I would consider reporting it to your local family/children's services office. Reports are anonymous, and if their children are exhibiting this dangerous behavior, there may be further problems inside the home. Not saying these people should for sure have their children taken from them, but a wake-up call is in order when their boys are going without much-needed supervision.

You have to make sure you do it none confromtational. Maybe just invite them outside to chat about nothing while the kids are playing and they can see. Coach your kids and they may figure it out. If not let them know how close a car came and how worried you got. Do not direct the behavior as they are doing something wrong. Last week at my daughter's softball game there was a young girl on the other side acting as a "bat girl" she was maybe 8 or 9. I mentioned to my mom and husband that she should not be out there because it is unsafe. We were not allowed to as kids. Even if we were we had to have a helmet on. But even that never happened. I didn't say anything because the week before I mentioned something similar to someone and was told to mind my own business. At the risk of being yelled at I kept my mouth shut. Well sure enough she bent down to pick up a ball just as the on deck batter was taking a practice swing. A homerun practice swing. the young girl took the full force swing to the head. The parents refused medical attention and I do not know the outcome, but simply to deal with that is terrible enough. I feel really bad for not saying anything in the first place. Sooo. I would try to be as nice as possible but at the same time think about how you would feel if one of the kids did get hurt. Would you feel better if your neighbor got mad at you or if the kid got hurt. I wish I would have let someone yell at me. (and actually who knows maybe they won't or wouldn't have). But weigh the worst case scenarios which would make you feel worse. Good luck!

Here's O. idea: Ask them if they have a problem with you looking after their kids the way you do your own.

For example, when I host another child to pay at our house, I always tell the moms that 'I'm gonna correct your child like I do my own, OK'? And I tell them they have permission to reprimand my own kid when he is at their house if he misbehaves. Kind of like "my house, my rules."

You can ask if they would be upset if you said anything to their kids concerning safety in the alley b/c the traffic & cars make you crazy and you feel like you need to tell them but you don't want to overstep your bounds....they should get the message.

I agree that you can definitely tell the boys if you are there witnessing it. However, you can't keep on having to do that and the parents need to at least warn their boys, also.

I wouldn't talk to the parents. however. I suggest that you send a note (anonymously) letting them know in a VERY NONJUDGMENTAL way. And say something to the effect of:

"Dear neighbor, as we all know, many of our neighborhood kids (don't say "our" kids...because they will try to figure out how many parents on the street have children and will try to narrow it down to whom is likely to have sent this anonymous note) play in the alley. Although, for the most part, we are very lucky to have a great neighborhood that's very safe (keep things on a positive tone), I have noticed on a few occassions that when there are cars coming through the alley, your children are not afraid of of possibly getting run over. They actually would go darting for the cars, ride their bikes around moving cars, or roll balls under the cars, etc. I was very worried for their safety (voice of caring and concern - not judging). Please talk to your children (don't say.."talk to them about safety"..because that's already implied, otherwise you're being too specific and telling them how to parent) because we want yours & all of our neighborhood kids to continue to be safe and have LOTS of fun while they're out there." (make it a "community/were all in this together" kind of tone).

So do you see how that kind of tone, rather than "confronting" the parent will likely get a better reaction?

I would also try to stay away from words like they "always" this and that.

good luck.

Hi L.,
My experience is that parents who don't teach their children about safety won't listen or they will get defensive. Would it be possible for a police officer to come out and talk to all the kids about safety so those two aren't singled out?
In my opinion, it isn't safe for anyone to ride bikes or play in the alley. But maybe yours is different with more visibility.
Victoria

dont think of it as a confrontation. Just go over and inform them.

How about leaving a note on their door or in their mailbox and making it anonymous but very detailed so that they take it seriously? If that does not seem to curb the behavior of the boys, at that time I would bring it up to them in person and say you wrote the note. Make it clear you just care for their welfare rather than that you are correcting them as if you are a more responsible parent so that they don't 'turn off' to you.

I had a very impulsive son and I was grateful to the people who looked out for him by telling me what he was doing. I never took it as an attack on my parenting. I would just nicely say to the parents what you have seen and just tell them that you would feel terrible if something bad happened and you didn't make tham aware of what was going on.

I haven't read all the answers, so I could be duplicating - sorry. First, and foremost, if you are outside wittnessing this, I would say something to the boys. That is what I do at my complex, I remind all the kids to stay out of the streets and away from the cars, don't ride skateboards on the stairs, etc. I am nice at first, but if I have to tell them more than twice, I get a little more stern with them. I don't know which unit they live in so I can't confront their parents, or I would. I did have one boy say that his mom said it was okay, and I told him, great, please bring her to my door so I can meet her so when you get hit I can tell the fireman where you live. They stopped jumping their skateboards. But I promise you, if I did know where they lived....I would absolutely tell their parents out of concern for all of them. (1) I don't want them to get hit of course (2) I don't want any driver to have to go thru that (3) I don't want to see it happen in front of me! Best of luck.

I had this same thing going on in the last place we lived. Our neighbor's house's front yard was basically a parking lot for other tenants. Their kids would often run up to my car to say "hi" as I was backing out. (And never a parent in sight) I was always very up front with the kids and the parents about it and yet the situation never changed. There were many close calls...but thankfully nothing serious ever occurred.

It mystified me but I guess we shared differing philosophies. The kids are fine...and I'm thankful. You are kind to be concerned.