Advice on Helping Son Be Potty Trained AGAIN

We had a similar problem after coming back from leave. I know PCSing and leave are 2 different things. But their schedules are messed up and we flew half way around the world, so that messed him up as well. I too was getting frustrated, but what changed it back for us to being trained was every morning after breakfast, I sat and played with him for 30-45 minutes. No interruptions. Within a few days, he was back to sorts and we could reward dry times.

K.,

I know I'm way late with my response and your problem has hopefully been solved by now but I know you have another child that soon will be potty training.

I have one child conventionally potty trained and my second one was "trained" with elimination communication or infant potty training (both you can google). The 8 year old still has poop accidents--believe it or not and the 3.5 year old was poopy trained at 9 months with very few accidents and out of diapers at 1.5 years with no accidents anymore at 2.5 years old. Accidents are very normal and certain circumstances lead to more accidents. Diaperd kids often have longer periods with accidents but with the infant potty training I have learned that elimination of all sorts it's ultimately the childs decision to use the bathroom. We can lead them to the point but ultimately we can't force them do anything. Though if they make a decision they have to live with the consequence and for that reason I had my 1.5 year old change his own pants and he was very capable of changing at that age. Whatever you decide concerning potty training, don't get emotional about it. Punishing does not do any good at all. First we teach our children to use the diaper--because they "tell" us when they are young that they need to eliminate and then after 2-4 years we tell them: ok now that you have mastered the diaper thing you will learn to use the bathroom for elimination. And just like learning to walk they also will do the elimination thing when they are ready to do it.

I was just looking at one of the Love and Logic parenting books (their methods seems to work for most people I know that have tried) and read an excerpt on potty training. The idea is to give the child easy choices (all of which you can live with and cause no harm). If they refuse to choose, you get to choose ..... The potty training monologue was similar to this: Mom - (in an upbeat, positive way) " Do you want to go potty now or in 5 minutes?" There was another parent that tried - "Do you want to go potty upstairs or downstairs?"
I actually used this one on my 3 year old today - "Do you want to go potty now or after Mommy tickles you?" I ofcourse got a response of "After Mommy tickles me!!!" I tickled him, we had a great laugh and then went to the potty giggling the whole way.
I am still learning about the Love and Logic methods. So if your child flat refuses to go along ... i am not sure what to tell you. I have lots of reading to do. I do recommend the Love and Logic methods, even though my husband disagrees with some of their philosophies! I believe they have website now.
Good luck.

Years ago I went through something a little similar in that my 3-yr-old girl just did not want to use the toilet. Her preschool teacher told me to leave her alone and act like I didn't care about it. As soon as I did that, within a week she was completely trained. The deal was, it had to be HER idea instead of mine! It's a control thing when they are that age. Basically, your little guy is trying to control the only thing he can--he had no choice about moving, his daily routine is governed by you (as it should be)so the only thing he can decide on his own is when and how to potty. (I'm not doctor but it makes sense) Anyway, here's what I would do. Take him shopping and let him choose his own underwear. Let him know it's his choice to decide all on his own. Tell him he needs to wear the underwear at home, but that if he's more comfortable he can wear a pull-up when you go out. When you're at home, use an egg-timer set to go off every hour. Let him set the time with you. Tell him when he hears the bell, HE can decide if he needs to go or not. It's all up to him. Then, get him his own little bucket, sponge, and mop. Tell him they are his cleaning supplies, to use when he has an accident. Tell him that you will help him if he needs it, but than when he decides not to use the potty and then has an accident, it will be his job to clean it up (obviously you'll go in after him when he's not aware and do a "proper" job of it.)

I would also start letting him have a few choices about what his daily routine is like--certainly not letting him rule the roost, but sort of giving him a chance to feel like he has some sort of control over his environment. Let him pick out his own clothes (even though they might not match)Ask him to choose between two things rather than giving him an open choice because that's too much to process, but say "Do you want to watch Dora or Sesame" or something like that. Let him help you make lunch. It will be messy at first but he'll feel like a big boy and that will help him feel like he can take ownership of using the potty.

I'm not advocating giving a toddler a whole lot of leeway--just thinking that a few simple choices he gets to make will help him feel less out of control.

Besides, I would venture a guess that as soon as he realizes what a pain it is to clean up his accidents, he'll decide it's just easier to use the pot.

Hope this helps you out. Just remember, he's not going to go to kindergarten in diapers!!! Good luck...

My middle daughter was just about completely trained before she went to German Kindergarten. About 2 or 3 days into it, we were done. Have you tried the naked thing with him, yet? I just kept her naked in the house and that worked for this particular child. Put her in panties and there she went. I so adore German Kindergarten and hope you enjoy it as well.

HI K.,
You sound exactly like me a few years ago. My son took forever to become completely potty trained. In fact, he is 6 now and still has accidents due to holding it too long because he is too interested in playing or tv to get up. He doesn't completely wet himself anymore but only a little then runs to the toilet. As for the night time...BOTH of my children are still in pullups and they are 6&7!! They are both very heavy sleepers and wont wakeup for anything. We have tried bribes, threats, encouragement, no water, waking them up, etc and no success. The Dr said that it was okay and they will outgrow it. I wake my 7 year old up everynight and she goes pee but if I didn't she would sleep straight through.
So, don't be too harsh on your son, he will overcome that and just know that its pure boy laziness. Good luck and if you hear of any good advice on night time wetness, please let me know.

NIkki T.

Have you tried punishing him for wetting his pants during the day? My son, who is nearly 4 has been day-time trained from the time he was 2 1/2. When we had our second child he started peeing his pants during the day for attention and got negative attention and was put in the corner. Now he doesn't do it anymore. Also, our Kindergarten (in Hoheinod) won't allow kids to attend who aren't potty trained or have frequent accidents, so you may want to ask them about their entry requirements. While you're at it, ask them for tips to get him back on track. The other thing is that you will just have to deal with his fits. Nag him as much as it takes. Or designate specific times during the day when he has to go use the potty, such as every hour during play time. It will, hopefully, irritate him enough that he'll start going on his own just so you'll leave him alone (that's how we initially got my son to use the toilet.) There's also bribery. Bribery has worked wonders with my child on every level. Currently we're bribing our son to take time away from his toys and learn to read by offering a trip to Toys R Us and a certain Euro amount for any toy he'd like once he reads a Stage 1 book without help. Perhaps something like that could work for your son and using the potty?

If all else fails get him into a German play-group like Gymnastics or a soccer team. German children are, on average, potty trained younger than American kids. Then have some of the kids over to your house and they can basically be the good example.

Good luck!

I am also a SAHM with two kids (3 months & 3.75 yrs) in the Kaiserslautern area. When we moved to Germany my son was 9 months (vocab of about 15 English words) and stopped talking until he was almost 2 yrs old (only spoke German when he started talking again), so I hope your son's transition doens't take so long as all that.

Hi K., my son is five and has been potty trained since he was two, he still has accidents. It is always when he is too busy and doesn't want to stop. I feel like the more I try to make him go, the more he won't. I think the hardest thing as a mom is to let go and not push so hard, it only makes them push back. Believe me I feel your pain.

As for school, I would not worry about it. He is not going to be the only cild having accidents. Who knows, with some peer pressure maybe it will get better! ;-)

Take a deep breath. Remember, he's only 3 1/2. My oldest son wasn't really potty trained until he was four and he still has accidents - he's almost six. He's the same way - having too much fun, don't want to stop. I really sounds like you're very stressed about this. I'm sure he feels that. Maybe try a timer - when the timer goes off - every 45 minutes or so - he has to stop what he is doing to go to the potty, that's just how it is until he can show you that he's a big boy and will go on his own again. I'm sure he will not like taking breaks but they may be what it takes. Hope that helps.

K. you should give him a sticker for each time he goes potty even when he goes when you are away from home even give him prizes for reaching a certain amount of stickers.
Try redecorating your bathroom allowing him to pick out items at the store explaining he must use the potty and make it something special and talk to him about his fears of the the new bathroom they are very different from the ones in the states.
Also he may need to use the potty chair for a while show him how to dispose of his waste in the big potty.
Do not ignore the behavior help him through.
Have him write to his friends at the old post/base and have them write back if possible, and if you have the means let him call his friends, my three year old talks to his friends that move away all the time although he likes to talk, he has a very good memory and will talk about the past and his present with them.
Good luck and have patience this too will pass...
MAMALYNN

K.,
I feel your pain I really do. My daughter who is not quite 3 yet has been really good at potty training and when my husband went back to the states for 6 weeks our world died. She regressed back to diapers no more potty at home (only at school) and life was miserable. The changes make a difference on our kids even the small ones. So just patience and time will correct the matter. I know kids don't like it when they are wet so you could try that, I know it's gross but it can work. Lyn C was right, give him rewards each time he uses the potty! My daughter gives me a high five now every time I use the potty now. OK yes it's cute but it's also embarrassing when you have guests over. I even get applause now too! Just some encouragement in the right direction will help for sure. I know you said he throws a fit each time you ask, but I wouldn't give up too much on asking him. I would sternly let him know it's time to go try! My daughter tells me all the time she doesn't have to go but after her fit there she is with her waterfalls!
Anyhow, good luck. I hope my experience has helped ease your mind on our kids.
J.

K.,
I went through almost exactly the same thing, and still am a bit but it was just the same as far as, he was totally potty trained and then we left for a vacation to florida and it was all over. He regressed just like your son did and about the same age. I tried all the same things, sticker charts and time outs and setting a timer for him. He use to make it such a battle for me. the thing I learned was that more attention I gave it the more he fought me, I was at my witts end and told him if he didn't stop I was going to take him to the doctor to see if something was wrong with him. Perhaps the wrong approach but it was the truth, so after almost a year and a half of that I finally took him. my situation was different in that he never wet the bed...EVER. so I knew he had bladder control. but taking him to the doctor let him know I was serious. He was eventually diagnosed ADHD inattentive only. the meds have helped him be able to concentrate and not have as many accidents. but he still forgets at times. I am thinking your situation is more trauma based from the move. The only advice I can offer is what I did which was:
when he had an accident I put HIM in charge of changing himself and putting his wet clothes in the hamper. It helped him to take charge of the situation and realize he was also in charge of the consequences, instead of me nagging him all the time. I realized the more negative attention I gave him the worse it got. When he is ready and feels secure he will get back on board. Just show confidence that he can do it and try not to make it the focus of your day. ( that is what I was told and it really worked)

I think the most important thing to remember is whatever method you choose, stick to it! I made the mistake of waffling back and forth and it was confusing to him and me.
I hope some of that helps.
M.

Hi, my son did the same thing when his Dad went TDY for 3 weeks. As soon as Dad returned the accidents started. My husband got very concerned and upset. So, one day I just sat my son down and told him how I understood what was so hard for him, but, that it was time to stop the behavior, I asked if he had any questions or concerns, (more like fears of Dad leaving again). We hugged and he told his Dad he loved him and the behavior stopped. I do think it helped reassuring him that he was loved and that hopefully we would not have to have Dad leave again anytime soon. That was 7 years ago and now I deal with different issues. I do not think it ever stops. Good Luck!