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Advice on Being a Step-mom

My issue is that my step son is a good kid for the most part. Sometimes when I ask him to do things he says "I didn't hear you". I have come to find that my fiance' and I have a bit different parenting styles. He says that I should not try to raise his son the way that I have raised mine. "They are different children". Another problem is that I don't think that it is fair that I spend most of the day with him and I feel he has little respect for me. His dad works a lot so I think that my word should be law. Am I wrong?? Just as an example. Joshua (step-son), had a science project due. He choose a weak project. I suggested that he choose another he did not. I told him that I would help him. He wanted no part of it. Now it is due on Monday. He comes home on Friday crying and wanting my help to start a new project. He was suppose to be working on this project from Oct. 1st. Now when I told his dad what had happened he scolded me for not wanting to help him. Like I was the bad mom. Am I wrong or too hard on him?? I want him to be able to be responsible for himself and not think that I am only here to bail him out when he is too lazy to do his own work. Please Help!!!

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So What Happened?™

Thanks for all your great advice. I did have a talk with my fiance' and told him that I can not be a 1/2 time discipliniarian. I spend most of the time with our kids and no matter what or who's child it is they need to respect all adults. The hammer has fallen!! I told Joshua that in the past he has been given too much freedom too soon and it will be taken away. Things will be strict for him in the next few months until his behavior and attitude change. But with time he will be able to earn privileges back. I did let him go to the movies with his friends on Friday night. Just to give him a taste of what he will be missing out on if he misbehaves. I am taking everything on a day to day basis and case by case. He seems to understand and doesn't mind too much. He yearns for boundaries. Like I said he is a good kid and I think things will work out for the best. By the way I made a B on the science fair project!! His dad said he would give him $10 if he made a B. So he gets $5 and I get $5!! LOL. He didn't mind.

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I have to step children and that is how it was from the start. They saw my husband and me fighting over what they should do and if they had to listen. He is going to have to talk to them and let them know that there are things that he has to do. Don't give up because it is very rewarding in the end. Now my step kids love me to death but it was really hard. I would tell them that they had to clean up after dinner or carry the trash out or clean their room. They never heard me and then one day I sat down with their father and told him that if he wanted me to look after them then he had to step in or he was going to have to hire a babysitter. It was very funny at the begining because he said he would do it himself. Then he saw just the way they were and after about a month when I would call their name you would see smoke coming of their heels. Good Luck Because it is tough.

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2 parents will almost never have the same parenting style - one will be the 'stronger' disiplinarian and the other one will be the pushover.
No matter how nice or generous you are, kids will always give step-parents a hard time. That is the rule of the universe!

Anyway those science projects are a joke because they are always done by adults. It should be a competition between the parents. My kids were also stubborn and didnt want 'help' from me but many times I bail them out, thats what parents do - (Im the pushover).
I can remember driving across town to rent a movie so my kid can do a book report that is due the next day, staying up very late to edit (help write)papers etc. Eventually they learn to do their own work and start early.

I think that teaching them to act respectful is 'good parenting' and trust me it gets harder to teach it later on, and when they are yelling 'f-you' in front of the neighbors or worse. They will respect you later on for being fair and tough and also for helping them.
I think stepparenting issues destroyed my first marriage and also caused huge problems in my 2nd marriage, so good luck with that too. Remember there is something in the Bible about dont let the right hand know what the left hand is doing.

1 mom found this helpful

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R.,

Being a step parent has to be one of lifes most difficult challenges. I am not one myself, but am friends with many. I have heard your story many times. I would not just get out of the relationship. You are in it because you love this man, and his child. Talk with your fiance'. I would suggest not having this talk when everything is already up in a whirlwind. The behavior his son is showing towards you is normal, and unless his father steps in and demands he respect you, he never will. Also, dont try to be his "mom". This will put him on the defensive. Remember that it doesnt matter what kind of mom she is to him, thats his mom. He doesnt want anyone to take her place. I know that this isnt what you are doing, but you need to make sure he knows that. Your fiance' needs to lay down the ground rules, and let this child know what is expected from him. How is your son towards your fiance'? And how do you handle scuffles between the two of them? In the end, please make sure that this has been resolved before you marry. That will only make things harder. Good luck to you, and God Bless.

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I'm not a step mom but my husband is a stepson. Everyone I know from his family says he was a very good respectful child, even his step mom. However, he does not like his step mom. He does not like her position in the family. And that is a reaction from a "good kid," so imagine the honest reaction from a not so "good kid." You should keep in mind that no matter, how you react or treat him he is never going to see you as his mom. That is probably a huge part of the problem. He does not want to let you in, does not want you to try to play the part of mom, does not want to give you the idea that he is letting you play that part. It is also not an easy thing for a kid to know how to react to the tough situation of divorce, a new woman for his dad, marriage to a woman that is not his mom, and the whole ball of wax. I'm just imagining how I would have felt in that situation, when I was a kid. Discipline in his eyes is most likely his mom or dad's position, so he doesn't want you taking that position. That would mean that you are playing the part of his mom, which he doesn't want. That is the catch 22 that makes it almost impossible to win.

I do not think it is impossible to find an arrangement that can work for everyone, even if you and dad have different parenting styles, even if every other step mom says it's not going to work. You have to communicate, especially with your husband and him with you. Have a talk with him while he is not busy or engrossed in anything. Even if you have to schedule it in with him. Have a few talks with him. Tell him you do not want to take his or the boy's mom's place, but you have to be able to guide him and discipline him when you are around. Explain that whatever happens the boy needs to know what is expected of him, and what the consequences are for not following those expectations. Remind him that even teachers have to provide discipline sometimes and you sometimes do too. If he feels you are too hard on the boy, explain that he still needs discipline and that both you and your husband need to find rules and consequences that you both can compromise on. You may have to give in a bit, but that's what compromise is about. If both of you have a plan, and have set regulations and consequences for your stepson and any other children to follow, then both of you can explain together that these are the rules, these are consequences for breaking those rules. Even if you have to allow dad to take care of some of it, make it a set of rules that need to be followed. Discipline doesn't have to be punishing, it can be as simple as trying to find out what the real problem is and looking for a solution that will help with that problem. It's probably a good idea to allow the boy some say in the rules, and consequences, or at least allow him the chance to explain himself and his problems or feelings on whatever issue it is.

Another way to tackle problems is to agree that when the boy does something to get into trouble or you aren't sure about, you wait until his dad is home and you and dad discuss the matter together and try to come up with a way to deal with it together as a team. As soon as the boy does something that you feel you need to discuss with his father, just tell him, "Ok, I will discuss this with your father when he gets home."

Even being the mom, I find it easier and more comfortable to discuss discipline problems with my husband and try to come up with solutions or actions together. I also think it's important to ask the child for input, not in an offensive manner but in a caring manner. Just kind of matter of fact, what's the matter? is everything ok? why did this happen? what do you think you should do to make this better, or to do better next time? what do you think we should do about this? will that help the problem? will it fix the problem? Then come up with a plan of action, and go for it or have him go for it, then later evaluate how things went, discuss if there may have been a better way to handle it. I think discussions like this make it much easier for the child not to feel angry, or put on the spot, also make it more likely he will try to work on the problems himself, or come to one of you when he has a problem that he can't resolve.

Something that I have been doing with my family for a few months now, is to have meetings. We try to have them weekly, but they probably actually happen every two weeks or so. It has helped though. It gives us all a chance to each say what went well sense the last meeting, what did not, offer ideas to try, see how those ideas are going. I'm not talking a straight up "air our dirty laundry" session. I usually have a set of questions; we each answer each question, then move on to the next question. If things get too carried away, we usually agree that that's enough for this time, and we can go over more next meeting. This has also helped us to feel like we are more together, more of a team, more on one page, and we all have some say in things.

I wish you the best of luck with everything. I hope you are able to find a better arrangement. And I hope you have a wonderful wedding, and marriage.

V.

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The scary thing R. is if these issues are now and don't get resolved they never will. Your a parent, step or biological. Men and women have different means of dicipline and tactics. I don't think you should be a bailer outer but maybe be more presistant from the start. Get the job done and then it's finished, no more to worry about attitude.
Never compare the boys for they have been brought up differently and with different values.
R., you appear to be a good person with good intentions, or else you wouldn't have written. Go with your gut, talk to your husband to be and try to get in the same chapter, if not on the same page and pray about the answer. Just remember to be the one who "can" come in and save the day when all else fails. Be firm and stay devoted to making a mixed family work in 2006/2007. It is a hard time and if one child is excelling and the other lacking there might be a problem too. Look deeper into it all and maybe your fiance' feels he's not done a good enough job if you "demean" (for the lack of a better word) him or his son, always be careful with words.....
Good Luck Sister

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R.
i know how it is to be a step parent and i hate it
no matter what you do or say your fiance' is going to stick up for his son and he will tell you that you are not raising your child right . he will yell at your child all the time and let his get away with everything ... believe me you will be miserable until his child is 18
i hate to say this but i would get out of that relationship because it could get worse .... if you choose not then all can say is good luck and but alot of headache pills and nerve pills because you are going to need it

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I am so sorry you have to go thru this . The FIRST thingyou need to do is talk to your fiancee about this, let him know you are not "trying" to raise his son but you are wanting to be there for him as a friend and as a mom. Let him know that you are the one with HIS son most of the time and you would appreciate it if he can back you up and let him advice his son that he has to respect you , not only because you are older but because you are going to be his step mother. If none of this works out for you I am not sure what else to say or do , if it doesn't get better from now it will never get better later on. Good Luck

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At his age it's impossible for you to step in and think you are going to play mommy. Things will not go smoothly. You are not the child's mother and he will never take to you if you just start off trying to be the "law." Back off and let dad take the reigns more, it's his son.

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I'm a step-mom of a little boy and the issue of discipline has come up SO many times it makes me want to scream! We have a daughter who is 8 months and I feel that they should be disciplined the same way but at the same time I don't want my step-son's mother to have ANY say in how my daughter is raised.

You have to compromise...actually sit down with your husband and decide how you will discipline YOUR children. In our home we believe that he is my child. IMO disciplining the kids the SAME way is the only FAIR way. Even if that means that you have to start disciplining your child in certain ways that HE feels are appropriate.

BTW- I would have done the same thing if my step-son or daughter had done that. He needs to know the consequences of his actions.

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