I apologize in advance for this lengthy request. I am looking for some advice or ideas for my son's recent defiant behavior. He just turned 3, so I know that alot of his behavior is very typical and I've heard that 3 is so much worse than 2. My problem is that up until recently we really have not had many disciplining issues to deal with. He was a very easy and laid back baby and toddler and other than a couple months around 2 1/2 I didn't find myself needing to discipline him much. Just recently I feel like I have a different child, he's been hitting, saying "NO" constantly and specifically doing things that he knows are wrong. I think I'm having a harder time b/c up until now I haven't had to discipline much and am really not used to what works and doesn't work. And this doesn't happen too often, but just the fact that it happens at all is too much for me. The hitting is totally unacceptable and now he doesn't even get a warning, the minute he hits or throws anything he automatically gets put in time-out without a word. He understands that it's wrong, so that doesn't even warrant a warning. I do all the things that they talk about for time outs, make sure he knows that hitting (or whatever else he did) is wrong, it hurts and is unacceptable and he always has to look the person in the eye and apologize to whoever he may have hit or disrespected, mostly it's me or his Dad. Then tell him that "I Love him and to try better the next time". But he still seems to be doing it more often than ever before. He also spent alot of time recently with cousins and I saw him pull things out of other's hands without asking and just being more aggressive. I know that all kids do this, but I am trying to nip this in the bud now, especially before he starts preschool. I want to raise a kind, respectful, and gentle child. The funny thing is that I find he behaves this way mostly around people he is comfortable with, b/c to be honest he's normally the kid getting toys taken from him or pushed on the playground and he never exhibits any aggressive behavior with kids that he doesn't know and I don't want him to start. I do read alot of books, but I'm looking for some good books that deal with these issues and even ones that specifically deal with disciplining for boys. I use time-outs the most, but I sometimes find them to not really be working and I'm wondering if I'm using the time-outs too frequently and if there's certain behavior that should be corrected but doesn't necessarily warrant a time-out. We spend alot of time with him playing games, reading books, doing puzzles, and being outside so he is easily distracted from bad behavior when we have time to distract him. I don't really believe in spanking, although some people swear by it, so I want to try other methods that don't involve spanking. But I'd also like to hear other's people's thoughts on what has really worked for their family. I am open to all suggestions! :) He's normally a happy, funny and smart little guy, but I feel that I need to take care of ANY bad behavior now so that he grows up knowing what is right and wrong and to be emphathetic to other people's feelings. Thanx in advance for any advice!!
If he is old enogh to understand that he has consequences for his behaviors, maybe you could take away a privelege or a favorite toy for a set amount of time. Since time outs aren't working maybe losing something he likes will be more effective. Good luck.
Hi J.. the biggest problem to all of this is that we want our children to be perfect. They aren't. They get frustrated, and they act it out because they don't have the words to resolve the problem.
I have spanked my children, but not much, and I woudn't say, "I believe in it." I accept it when it happens, but hopefully it doesn't happen often, because then all it teaches is that the stronger person wins. Some say that's not bad to know -- because obviously the cops, the government, etc., they are all STRONGER than you are, so it stops you from breaking the laws later. I wouldn't go that far. Respect for authority can be learned in many ways, not by being hit by those in authority.
Children go through stages. They have a time of internal growing, that is pretty peaceful to us parents, then they push their limits because they have grown. We see that as wanting autonomy, being rebellious, being BAD. But they are experimenting and growing, it's just not what we had in mind. After that, they settle back down, and consolodate their new position. then, yup, you got it, it's a time of expansion again, and they are seemingly on the warpath with mom and dad again. I suspect your son started his "autonomy" stage at 2.5 instead of 2, and he hasn't moved onto the consolodation part yet, but he will. The trick is how to handle the hitting in a way that the discipline makes sense and will stay with him.
I always taught my kids that it was okay to be angry -- after all, we can't change emotions. We have them. They exist. They aren't right or wrong. They just are. When you discipline him, say, no you can't do that, it's frustrating, but he may not be verbal enough to say, "Gee mom, that's really frustrating, I'd like to do it, can we talk about this?" (right !) So he has a choice, to suck it up and obey, or to defend his position, and when he defends, he hits. I recomment helping him with words. Control his body so he can't keep hitting, and say, "Are you upset that I said no?" I assume he'll nod or somehow confirm that, and then you can explain in easy words why you told him he shouldn't do whatever it was. Tell him that it's hard to obey, and you realize that, tell him he's a good kid and you love him. When he obeys without a fuss, or lets someone take his toy without hitting them, be SURE to notice and give him some really big kudos for his behavior. That's absolutely amazing, and awesome behavior for a 3 yr old.
Give him opportunities where he gets to control his environment and make some choices. Do you want peanut butter or chicken for lunch? Do you want to help make our lunch, or shall I make it ? Do you want to play in the sand box or go for a walk? As he learns to make choices, if he doesn't know, you can talk about the good things about either option, and the bad things -- like, if you play in the paddle pool, you'll have to change into your bathing suit, and afterwards, you have to change back into clothes. . . whatever . . . The more control he has over things that he does (reasonable, appropriate control within limits) the more autonomous he will feel without having to strike out.
The other thing we always did with toys happened BEFORE company came. We selected toys that were "okay" for everyone to play with, and we selected special toys that our kids didn't want to share. We agreed on which was which, and the child made the decision. I might suggest the more expensive or breakable toys to the kids to get them in the private category. And we moved thosed toys out of the arena. That way, the toys everyone played with when friends or family came were not the special toys with emotional attachments and it was agreed upon in advance that we would share those toys. If the toys BELONG to your son, they are HIS, and he should have control over who plays with them. So it makes sense for him not to want to share them. And some of them he shouldn't have to share. So if he can help make those decisions, you can talk about how sharing feels when you are putting away the private toys. For instance, if he puts all his trucks away, and doesn't let his company use them, well, he won't be able to use them either. And they might miss out on some fun, if they don't both get to play with trucks. There are pros and cons to every decision, and thinking them thru, even at a 3 yr old level, will give him some framework for thinking things through as he gets older. So when he's a teen, he thinks through some of his decisions and maybe even shares his thoughts with you as he does so. That's when it's really rewarding !!!!
In my mind prevention is always the best cure.
First off two of my children had easy toddlerhoods till they hit three. It was almost like delayed terrible twos.
Second check all his basic needs. Is he getting enough to eat and drink? Is he getting enough sleep? He needs between 12-13 hours. Sleep deprivation can totally change some children's personality. They get more and more tired the more consecutive nights of sleep they miss. Children who have a hard time getting to sleep may need you to spend more time with them soothing them to encourage sleep.
Observe him and find out if there are certain triggers. Can you catch the signs he is losing it earlier? I found one child needs two snacks between lunch and dinner. Another one needed a huge breakfast just to make it to snack time and lunch without a melt down. Also, I knew one kid was going to lose it shortly when he used a certain silly hyper voice and within an hour he had a complete meltdown.
Is he stimulated enough? My sisters son is highly intelligent and would act out because he was bored. A child who is bored and doesn't know how to handle it may throw a toy or puzzle when he is done becuase he's had it and doesn't know how to express it. Teach and model good emotional expression. Being an only child so far he may require more interaction and long periods of time playing alone may be difficult for him.
Also, always focus after a punishment on what the right thing looks and feels like. Role-play and act out with him what he should have done. Tell him how good it feels and get him to recognize that feeling.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.
Mother of 4 boys (almost 5)
Hi J.,
There is a book called "1-2-3 Magic" that worked well in our house.
I just want to tell you, youre not alone....I nicknamed my youngest "rebel" I have two beautiful 3 year olds as different as night and day. I don't believe in spanking but I just gave a swat to the butt on two different occasions for physically hurting her sister. I do the same thing with saying I'm sorry, time outs-after I love you's. I am looking forward to reading your responses. I won't go on about my story, just know youre not alone.
My daughter will be 3 tomorrow, and I keep saying she's going through the "MINE!' phase! She's doing some of the same things you describe. My older daughter went though it too, but since she had a younger sister (they are 15months apart), it was easier to teach her to share.
I've read that what you need to do is show him how he should do things... so if he's grabbing a toy, make him give it back to the first kid, and then have your son ask politely for it. hopefully the first kid will cooperate, let him have it, and then go back and forth with the same toy a few times, to show him that it's not the end of the world to share! I also treat the word "mine" like it's a bad word! LOL... if they say "mine", I say "no, it's for everyone."
I've read you should say "we don't hit!" so he knows that this is a rule we all live by, rather than "no hitting!".
my sister in law teaches a parenting course, and she told me when my daughter was running around a pool, that you shouldn't say "No running!" because they only listen to one word... which would be 'run!"... so instead, you should say "Walk!". it's amazing how well that works! In the case of hitting, you could say "gentle!" and take his hand to pet the person's arm, to show him to be nice, instead of hitting.
it takes lots of practice, so be patient!!!
Hi J.,
Sit down with your son and ask him what he thinks would be some good rules in whatever you need his cooperation with.
List them on a poster board to hang up.
Next, ask him what would be some consequences if he broke the rules.
List them underneath the rules.
Now enforce them. Good luck. D.
Hi J.; Sounds like you are on the right track. If he is great when you are out and with other children he doesn't know and yet harder to handle at home with his buddies then he is 100% normal! He is testing you; he is forming his own opinions and that's what 3 yr olds do. Be consistant at all times, be firm, keep your rules simple and punishment immediate. Don't over think things and follow your instincts...if you read the "experts" too much you'll over be overwhelemed and over-do it all. Don't borrow trouble or look for excuses or a "reason" for his behavior...if you had it easy through the 2's your gonna have it harder through the 3's! Believe me, having kids is not easy, and being a parent and not a friend is even harder. But it does get better...and worse...but stages of development are like that. That's why there is the "mother curse"...I hope you have one JUST LIKE YOU! That's how we all hang in there and look forward to those distant years when we can say..."I remember when you...." with a big smile and a laugh. That's when even the worst days have silver linnings! Hang in there & best wishes.
Offer LOTS of choice in your sons day. For example: do you want peas or corn with dinner? Do you want to wear sneakers or sandals? The orange or the blue shirt? If you just say what do you want to wear? You will no doubt get an answer impossible to deal with. Allow for choices with no more than 2 or 3 options. This may make him feel more part of his day and the choices in his life that taking responsibility for his actions (because he chose them) may follow. Good luck.
