Out of Control 2 Year Old

yes, they don't listen to "no" well, so don't use it unless they are about to run out in front of a car, are hitting someone...you get the point. tell them instead what to do. distract them with different activity. Best wishes you good mamma!

Have you tried re-direction yet? I hate always saying 'no' also, so I used re-direction. Instead of saying 'no', I would give my kids something that was a 'yes'. Or I would say 'let's go do this instead'. That way, it's a positive experience for both of us, and I don't feel like a big meanie. The kids started listening more often, everyone was less stressed, and I enjoyed my time with the kids more.

Hello, some advice I received from many people while raising my 3 daughters was to stick to my guns...don't give in when you've set something straight. I think the other answers you received were really great--I remember doing those things, too, and they all worked pretty well.

Hi Amy, I am sorry that sounds like it must be tough on you.

My son is 3 now. My husband and I worked really hard to say anything but "No" with our son. To the point we would actaully say "Yes" instead. It had amazing results. Although, it was not easy. I think the first no he heard was from is grammy. He was more curious about it then anything.

We would say "Yes, I know you want x. You can have y", while taking away the x. Or "Yes, I now this is frustrating for you." or "Yes. You can have that after your nap." or "Yes, That is scares me to see you standing on that chair. And please sit on your bottom."

What happened was he started to say he was frustrated and angry when he was!! It was a dream. There was a book that was helpful: Positive Disipline. Good luck.

Expecting any kind of mature behavior from a 22 month old is unrealistic. Also, using reactive language and tactics (i.e. "no") is unproductive. Try relaxing your expectations and accepting your daughter's behavior as normal, natural, and even good (except anything that might bring her true physical harm). Try using positive directions, such as "please put that down" rather than "no touching." "Please stay here with Mommy" instead of "don't go into Daddy's office." You see pattern. Also, spend some quality Mommy and child time with her, with your partner caring for your newborn. Get into a pattern of this, so that you won't be offering excuses for not doing it later on. It does not get easier if you do not put the effort forth to bring out the best in your child. Again, expecting a 22 month old to listen is only going to make you miserable with disappointment and frustration, leaving both you and your daughter worse off. Give her love, give her clear, positive directions and try to spend one-on-one time with her. Forget the word "no" and "don't" and see what positive words come out instead. Best wishes.

A.,

It sound to me like your daughter is crying out (no pun intended) for some clear boundaries. I'm a big fan of Supernanny and her naughty chair/mat/beanbag/step/spot/whatever sound like the perfect thing for your daughter.

If she throws a toy tell her it's not ok to throw a toy, and give her her a warning. If she throws a toy put her in time-out, one minute per year of age. This is where it gets hard, when she gets up before the time is over, put her back without saying anything. Repeat until she stays for the full time out. This could take most of a day. When she finishes her time out tell her why she was in time out ("I put you in time out for throwing your toys, it's not ok to throw toys"), ask for an apology, give/get hugs and kisses and let her be on her way.

My son recently had some similar behavior issues that you describe and some days he would be in time out with his nose on the wall for nearly an hour before he got through the 4 minutes. He learned quickly that Mom and Dad meant business and now does his time outs in the 4 minutes and doesn't fight us/run away/scream for hours/blah blah blah. The key is to be consistent and don't give in to her. She needs to know what her boundaries are, and you need to set them now before she is totally out of control.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

The best advice I found for getting my toddler to mind were, first, tell them what you want them to do, ie: feet on the floor, instead of don't walk on the furniture, hands in your pockets instead of don't touch that, etc. Sometimes it was hard even for me to figure out what I wanted him to do, except stop banging his sippy cup on the car window. The next thing was for every time I said no, I had to give him two yes's, like, you can drive your car on the couch or the floor, but not the wall. You can play with water in the sink or the bathtub, but not the living room, etc. Good luck!

Hi, I have found a wonderful program that really helps.
Love and Logic. Check out their web site, and you can get free classes through your local foster parent program. Any one can take it and it works for all ages. Teaches children in a very loving way.

Wow, I feel for you, Lady. I can't imagine having a newborn right now, with my 21 month old being as high need as she is! You got some great advie out there, so I won't say anything except for to tell you to ignore the advice that comes with people telling to give your daughter a time out, or to increase your NO's, or think she is a "problem" because right now you need her to be more mature than she is ready for. Kids aren't ready to definitively understand choices and consequences in a linear manner until they are at LEAST 24-26 months old, and even then, it is still more about gentle redirection than anything. Just as a child can't understand sharing until they are 3, that also comes with a lot of other social behaviors, like listening to authoritarian discilpline. As with any age of child YOUR reactoins are her cues, but esp. right now. If you are burnt out and busy, she is going to give you back imaptience and chaos. This is a good age to work out activities you can do with both kids, like walking with your baby in a sling, and holding her hand, or pushing a stroller, getting special daddy time, which is a big one for that age- NOW is the time for daddy to know his job is the most important it has ever been. Don't be afraid to ask for help! It is a BIG responsibility that is NOT yours alone! 22 months is old enough for you to START setting boundaries with stated consequences, but only gently and firmly reinforcing...

Try giving her lots of chances to make her own choices. Since she made the choice, she will be less likely to be mad or irritated. I would give her two choices (make sure you are happy with both). Easy things you don't really care either way on are great, like the shirt to wear "the blue or red shirt", the pants or the dress. Here are some more ideas; "Would you like to walk or hop to the bath tub? Would you like to eat lunch with a fork or a spoon? Would you like your milk in a red cup or the green one?" I hope this helps.

Keep in mind there is such a thing a terrible two's and having a new baby taking up her mommy and daddy time isn't helping. My daughter and son were the same age difference and she acted badly too. Big fits, screaming, and crying...it wasn't fun. I realized that it was mostly for extra attention. I had to make an extra effort and put the baby down and try a game or distraction to get my daughter back in line. This attention made things better. I also would put my son in his bouncy chair and play with my daughter and her toys in front of him. Then we were all together. As for not minding or listening...my friends think the Love and Logic book is great. I think parts of several books are helpful, but go with your gut and don't just do something because a book says too. They aren't always the best thing for your individual child. Good luck

I just have one bit of advice on saying "no" all of the time. I did the same thing with my first two. Now that I have a 3rd child I saw something or read something to help with the word no. Instead of saying no when he wants to roll over while changing diaper, I say "lay on your back". He is learning vocab as well as not hearing no all the time. I read they get desensitized to the word if everything is a no. So, instead of saying no when she throws something, say, "we play nicely with our things" or something like that. I know this isn't a huge help but it's a different route instead of saying no all the time.
I think having one on one time is crucial. My first two are 20 months apart. I didn't do this at all with my son who is the oldest. Now, that he's five he has become more needy with the arrival of child number 3. I think that if you take the time once a week , it will improve her behavior because she feels more secure in her relationship with you. It doesn't have to be anything exciting either, just sitting on your lap and talking is special. Good luck! I never knew parenting would be so trying or difficult. I was a much better mother before I had kids:)

I raised 3 boys. They are all grown now, but WOW! It was rough when I had one who was 4, one who was 2 and one who was 20 months.
My middle son was so upset that I had a "new" baby. He reverted back into diapers and became more impossible than ever. I went to all the parenting groups I could and even went to out county to see if they had any info. on what to do.
The one on one time you are doing is a great idea. And the stubborn child you have is also age related. They are that way!
When kids are babies they rely on the parents 100% But as they grow they begin to discover that there is " cause and effect" when they interact.
The naughty child begins to take any measures to get back into their position as your baby. But they also feel like they want to have control and be a " big " kid! It is hard for a child to sort out those new feelings of independence.
Ok, enough of my going on and on. I think that you are on the right path whe you take special time with the older child. But the child also has to respect the new baby.
As I said, my son hated having a new brother. I didn't nurse the baby because of bonding issues with my middle son. So I made him my special helper when it came to feeding the baby. I let him help with other age related things he coul do to help.
I also put up a chart to give him stars when he was pleasant and helpful. I gave him choices when I wanted him to stop a behavior. Such as, if I wanted him to pick up his toys, I would give him a time limit and a conciquence when he didn't do the job. But I also gave him 3 choices for his next activity he wanted to do. He had to complete most of his job. I did help because I wanted to show him that cooperation is a good thing!
After time it did get better. But I had to learn pay no attention to alot of his behavior.
It was a reward to him for me to respond, even if it was with time out or going to his room.
I admit that my middle son was in time out so much that one time he was so quiet I forgot he was still in the chair! He fell asleep and it was one quiet day! Of course I had to reward him for being so good when I forgot him! And we laugh about it now!
So, my advice is to give choices, be firm, but give some slack on non-important issues, give one on one attention and have the child help with the new baby. And make a reward chart. Kids love stickers and they are really cheap too.
Good luck and I hope all is well soon. K.

Make it a point to get her involved with the baby as much as possible (playing,picking out his clothes, etc.). She needs to feel that you still love her and is as important to you as ever. Praise her for any thing she does that is helpful and good. You and your husband need to give her lots of hugs and if possible, time with whichever one of you is not busy with the baby. Always start with a nice Please when you are asking her to do something or say something like it would be a really big help to me if you would do ... because "(baby's name)" is so much work now. When she is doing something wrong give her a hug and then tell her that when she acts like that she makes you unhappy and it makes it harder to finish with the baby so you can spend good time with her. Always tell her that you love her and that her little brother needs all of you now and that it won't be long before he will be running and playing with her.
I can tell you are a good mother because you are trying so hard and are asking for help. Keep up the good work and things should start changing.
P.S. I know rewarding for good behavior is a bad habit to get into but once in a while at first it might be nice to give her a special gift when she has been helpful or acting better.

Hi Aime (I'm A.).
This is a tough one. I also had a new baby when my daughter was 19 months old, so I know what you are going through. A few small ideas...Try not to say no, unless she is doing something dangerous. Distraction works better. Substitute the thing you want with a different toy or food item. Explaining won't work at this age, except maybe on a very simple "that's dangerous!" level. She just doesn't have the mental equipment yet. I think the one on one time is a good idea, but an even better one is to include her with you and the new baby. Cuddle her while you are nursing, let her help you change a diaper by bringing you the baby powder or something like that. Try to help her feel like a big sister and realize that that's a really neat, important thing to be! The baby is her baby, too.
Tantrums are a part of being two. You might try making a tantrum place, a place where she can go to yell and hit stuff. Not a punishment "you go to your room! " But "do you feel like you need to yell and hit stuff? You can do that in your tantrum place."
Good luck. This too shall pass.
A.

Hi Aime, You've gotten plenty of advice already. Some of it is really good, and some, not as good. I also have a 22 month daughter. I have caught myself falling into the "no" habit. But I try very hard to use positive redirection. When my oldest was that age, we had a new born also. I remember him getting very wild and driving me nuts. Looking back, the problem was with my reactions. Being my first born, I thought of him as such a big boy and expected too much from him. Today I don't see my 22 month old as a big girl. I don't have any major behavior problems with her, but part of that could be that I see her differently that I did my first couple children.

This is probably not something you want to hear, nor will others agree with me. But we believe the spanking method works wonders. The book "Train up a Child" by Michael and Debi Pearl, has some wonderful advice. My 23 month old is wonderful around our 5 week old. We also had some issues because it IS a huge adjustment for them. But what ever method you choose CONSISTANCY is the key. I know that is hard when you are trying to deal with an infant...my son knows he can act up when I am nursing...so he is learning that when I am done nursing, he will be held accountable. We often think they don't know as much as they do, or understand as much as they do, but they aren't as incompetent as we think.. they are smart little buggers! we've found that training our boy to obey..he knows the limits and is much happier..and so am i!

Good luck...and either way BE CONSISTANT!

I've had difficulty not using the word no. I have found that if I do not say no but do focus their attention on something that they can do it is more effective. No is a favorite word at this age. Another technique that I use is to ignore the no when she continues to say it. I say, "I'm not listening anymore. I'll pay attention when you stop saying no." and then not listen. If that doesn't work a 1-2 minute time out might work. This really means that you sit her in a time out spot and explain that you need her to help Mommy and co-operate with me.

Use whatever words your daughter will understand. But make the point that not doing what you've requested will result in a consequence. These two are not listening to her and giving her a time out.

This won't always work and may not work at all until you've practiced it several times. She has to test you to see if you really mean it. Once she knows that you do she'll begin to accept your decisions.

REcap: Try not to use the word no and try to give her an alternative activity. If she's playing with the TV controls, move her to a toy and say you cannot play with the TV but you can play with this toy. If she's not interested in that one hand her a different one. The idea is to keep her away from the TV without getting into a battle of nos.

It good that you started that swim class. She needs the one on one time. But it is very important you stay consistant.Let her know that she needs to listen to you give her conciqunces to her action

Why do you feel bad about telling your daughter "NO" when she breaks a rule or crosses a boundary? As contributing members of society, learning boundaries and rules and how to take "no" as an answer, is a PART OF LIFE!!! It is hard, I know, I have a 2 1/2 year old. And when you are tired and frazzled from a new baby as well, it's even harder. We'd like to be able to say "YES" but "NO" is necessary for their safety and overall mental health and well-being. "NO" you can't go play in the street. "NO" you can't take what's not yours. "NO" you cannot be mean to others. "NO" you may not watch another television show. Try to celebrate the things she can do, but stay firm on the things she cannot and must not do. She's too little for long lectures, but she's not too little to recognize consistency. And back yourself up with a consequence. Say "NO" one time. If she does it again, put a consequence behind your no. Do the same consequence over and over, and make sure the negative is negative enough. When she behaves, praise her and reward her and clap and dance. Make a big deal out of "NO's" and a big deal when she does obey. If you are consistent with your two year old, you'll have a well-behaved three year old... Hopefully :)

It is great that you are finding a special one on one time with her. She is acting out to get whatever kind of attention that she can. This baby has taken her special place in her mind and she doesn't know how to handle it. Make sure she is helping you with the baby and feels just as important. Don't feel bad for her though, if she is being very naughty, try the time out. Just be consistent with her and keep putting her back until she has sat there for 4 minutes. Give her lots of hugs and attention before she acts out. When she is in the time out, give her no attention with conversation.

A.,

That Mom and Tot swim class is a great start! Also, I read an article of a mom who uses "freeze" instead of "no". I tried it with my little boy last fall (he's 2 1/2 now) and it works great!

Here is what you do: turn on music and dance around the house. Every time you stop the music you say freeze. After a few days you start doing it with out the music. After a couple of more days you say it when she is just playing to get her attention. HERE IS THE KEY - once you have her attention you need to make use of it even if it is to tell her that you love her or that she has 5 minutes before she has to clean up (timers really work well for this). Sayting "freeze" even works great when your out and about or in the house and she is doing something that she is not suppose to be doing - i.e. geting on the counter or trying to run from you.

I have coworker who's son is a couple of months younger than mine and they use "stop" instead of "no".

I have found at this age with both my children (I have a 6 1/2 year old daughter) that something will work for a little while, but then you need to try something else for awhile and then you may need to try something new or go back to what you were 1st doing. They do keep you on your toes that's for sure:)

First of all, acting up for the first 6 months or so of a new sibling's life is totally normal. Second, her behavior is perfectly normal for any child that age. Between 18 months and 2.5 years old, they go throught the "terrible twos". Try to view it as a good thing though. She is realizing that she is separate from you and that she decides what to do and not do. She is testing her limits and trying to get a feel for how things work socially. Now is also the time that it is critical for you to set limits and boundaries. If you don't be firm, and consistent, then she can very easily turn into those kids you see at the mall or grocery store that at 5 years old act like wild animals. If you have not already started them, now is the time to start time outs. Stop yelling "no" from across the room and make sure that every time you tell her "no", that you are holding her shoulders, looking her in the eyes and being firm but gentle. Say "you may not throw toys. If you throw another toy, then you are going to have to sit in time out." Allow her to disobey again if that is her choice, and then scoop her up, put her in time out, and say "mommy told you no throwing. Now you sit here in time out." If she refuses to stay, you can use an old carseat (not the one you want her to sit in in the car) to strap her in, a playpen, or you can continue to seat her back down and start the time over again. Be sure to praise her over the top when she does obey! Speaking to her face will make a world of difference!

Good luck!

Dear A.,

She is just a normal 2 year old trying to establish her independence from you. I read a great article the other day, how to avoid saying no. Check out the link below: http://www.redbookmag.com/home/how-to-say-no?link=rel&amp... I'm sure you are also getting lots of good mommy advice just from your post so I won't elaborate on additional advice, this article will give you a good idea on how to talk to a 2 year old. Mine is almost 4 and he did the same thing right around 2 and it is just a power struggle. Hang in there.

I think the running away from you and the throwing watch she has once you tell her no is normal. My little girl who is almost 2 1/2 does the exact same thing. I believe they call what we are going through the terrible two's. Hang in there. I think the class you signed the two of you up for is a great thing. Ours fights going to bed each night, she wants to sleep with us. Are you having that problem by any chance? :)

HiAmie,

I am the proud mother of an 18 & 11 year old. I have worked with challenging behavior for parents of ADHD and behaviorly challenged children. I understand your frustration and need to help your 2 year old develope boundaries for both her safty and your babie's.

Here are a few things that helped me:

Have parts of the day when your toddler can choose; an outfit, a snack, a book, game and or story. Because she is only 2 make the choices clear and simple ( 'do you want to have crackers or toast for snack...) As your baby developes a good nap schedule you can use one of those times to just have couple play with your daughter. While helping your baby, invite your 2 to participate in picking outfits or story for the baby.

Her goal is to get your attention. She will do it by acting out (more than usual) or by participating in fun activities with you.

I know you have used consequences with your toddler when she has brocken rules before. Going back to these as consistantly as possible will help her see you are still there to fallow through when she is not safe.

Try to have play dates. If not for your daughter, for you. Isolation is the enimey. As a former stay at home mom myself, I found it extreamly comforting to meet other parents a couple of times a week to talk and walk.

There are so many wonderful resources out there. The wokrs of Barbara Cloriso (sp?) has a great book/cd "How to Win at Parenting without beating your Kids", and "The Terific Twos", a book and tape ( I don't remember the auther of this one) on helping toddlers learn boundaries.

There are so many great resources out there!

Finally, I would like to leave you with this, You are an amazing person and what you are doing is THE most important job one can do. Try to take time for yourself and remember every GREAT part of who you are. If you are like most of us, you may loose sight of this. Remembering
to celebrate who you are will help you have more to give and to celebrate with your family.

Take care,
Crystal

Well for the most part I can say watch supernanny. It will help more than anything. She is not to young to learn limits and telling her No is not the way to handle it. Kids need choices you need to get on her level, get her attention,let her know what the choices are you can not have that or whatever the situation,or she will have to sit in the naughty corner,stair, chair what ever make a spot where she can not connect with anything as she is being punished. If she gets up tell her one time she has to sit in the naughty chair for 2 minutes never longer than their age. If she continues to get up put her right back in the chair with no expaining this time. When her time is up tell why she was put there ,give her a hug and have her say she is sorry. This could take a few times but after the first day it should be fine and both parents have to be on the same page. She will get the picture trust me. Good luck

I went through this with all of my children (I have four) and I know exactly how you're feeling. Sit down, take a deep breath and then start thinking about how your daughter feels. She has had you to herself for a relatively short time (my children are even closer together) and right now she's feeling ignored, misunderstood, etc. and lets just face it, she's jelous! Children at this age are very selfish and she doesn't understand that now she needs to share. She just wants her mommy back. Things that really worked for me was attending the children. You can do this even when you're holding onto your little one. For example: You can try getting out some blocks for her to play with and then just watch her. Don't interact. Just tell her what she's doing such "Name is putting the red block on the blue block", "Name knocked the blocks down", "Oh, you're doing a good job playing quietly", etc. She needs to feel like she's getting just as much attention as she did before. Have you thought of doing baby sign language with your son? If so, you could start that, teach her the signs as well and she'd feel great that she's being trusted to help with that. One on one time is great, but she still needs to feel like you're there for her every day. Get a craft book for her age group, and do something at least once a week, maybe even something every day if it isn't too complicated. Reading to her is also great. Wait for your little guy to take a nap, and then spend some time cuddled up with just her, and a stack of books.

Some books I recommend you buy that have all really helped me:

Parenting the Strong Willed Child by Rex Forehand & Nicholas Long: The Clinically Proven Five-Week Program for Parents of Two- to Six-Year-Olds (My parent educator gave this to us and it was a blessing.)

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish (This is a great book and it's really helped to actually listen to my kids instead of blowing off their feelings and my house is a lot nice place to live in.)

Busy But Balanced - Practical and Inspirational Ways to Create a Calmer, Closer Family by Mimi Doe (This is set up on a monthly basis and a wonderful read)

Little Things Long Remembered: Making Your Children Feel Special Every Day by Susan Newman

I Love You Rituals by Becky A. Bailey

Seven Times the Sun: Guiding Your Child Through the Rhythms of the Day by by Shea Darian

Earthways: Simple Environmental Activities for Young Children by Carol Petrash

Year 'Round Activities for Two-Year-Old CHildren by Anthony J. Coletta & Kathleen Coletta

The Complete Idiot's Guide to Baby Sign Language by Diane Ryan (In case you would like to look into this. All of my kids enjoyed learning, and they still use the signs.)

I hope at least one of these books will help you. Just remember that this passes very quickly. Also remember that they're this size only once, and it's very precious.

A. S

I'd recommend the following books: Jane Nelson's series on Positive Discipline and (I can't remember the authors) "Sibling without Rivalry" (I think the authors also wrote, "How to talk so your kids will listen and how to listen so your kids will talk." - another good one). Adjusting to a new sibling can be tough on a little one (but ultimately having a sibling can be a wonderful thing) and of course this transition is also when her own press for autonomy is huge. It takes tons of patience but we have found the best approaches involve trying to help our kids understand their feelings ("It looks like you are really mad. I can't let you throw things because someone might get hurt. You can pound your fists on the bed if you want or I can hold you to help you feel better..). Hang in there - this time will pass -

Hi Amy, I have three children, all two years apart 15, 17 and 19. I learned that if I made the older child/children feel needed with the new baby it always helped. I was sure to include them in feeding, bathing, playing, etc... I refused to have two in diapers or high chairs or cribs at the same time so I referred to everything of theirs as the "big boy/girl bed" or "big boy/girl potty" or the "big boy/girl chair" this really seemed to work, it gave them a sense of importance. I didn't take these things away all at once, when I was pregnant with one is when I would start gradually making them the big brother/sister so they didn't feel like the new baby was taking their place. I think the swim class is a great idea, one on one time is very important. Wehn my children acted out the form of discipline that worked best for me was putting their noses on the wall, they were not aloud to talk or rest against the wall they had to stand straight up with only their nose on the wall, it didn't matter where we were either if we were at the mall I would find a wall, it works and it doesn't take long for them to realize they don't like it on the wall I got to the point all I had to say was, "do we need to find a wall?" and they straightened right up.

check out loveandlogic.com Try letting her know what is ok to do when she is calm. Give her lots of little choices. eg: do you want to wear your pink shirt or the blue one. Talk less , do more. Carve out some just you and me time. Ask her what she'd like to do with you at that time.

Instead of No, No, try redirecting her to positive activities. "Let's color now". Help me take your clothes upstairs (from the dryer) - it could be about anything positive. Get her to help as much as possible. Then, notice every time she does something positive and compliment her on that. Try to ignore the negatives, or redirect as much as possible. Children respond VERY well to praise and VERY badly to criticism.

Also sticker charts for good behaviour are a GREAT motivator. God bless you. This is a very difficult problem.

Hi A.,
I am very pleased to tell you that your daughter is a very typical 2 year old. She is delighting in her authority, but most of all she is delighting in her ability to make the big people (who seemingly have the power) red in the face. Wheee!! what fun!!

With this age, explaining does very little - she is just learning the language. I HIGHLY recommend you get the book 'Love and Logic for early childhood" by Charles Fay. You can get it from the library, or online http://www.loveandlogic.com/. It gives you some really practical ideas about how to have 80% yes answers and 20% no, have enforceable commands and consequences, and maintain your cool.

My daughter just turned 2, and she is all "NO"!! I refer back to that book every day to help me lock in the compassion and remember that it won't last forever.

You have the added issue of a new baby in the house, so your daughter is going to have more motivation to get your attention any way she can. You can cook with her, let her get messy with paints, lots of things where she can have control, so she is more likely to mind you when you need her to.

Breathe. you can do it!

L., mom to Maya, age 2
Child and Family therapist
www.RememberTheJoy.com

A.,
Is your daughter getting enough sleep? When our son was 2 he went through the same thing. We went to a counselor and after she read through the paperwork and survey we filled out, she said that he wasn't getting enough sleep. Once he started getting more sleep, the nasty attitude went away. I also notice that if he isn't getting enough sleep, he's really mean to his younger brother as well as us and he is 7 yrs now. Try more sleep and also food. It could be due to food sensitivities from processed foods. That makes a difference too. Good luck.

Instead of telling your daughter "No" you can redirect her to a more acceptable activity or distract her by pointing out the "fairy princess out the window" (example). "No", should be reserved for severe instances. Kids learn to ignore it pretty early on otherwise. For severe cases of misbehavior, a time out of two minutes is totally acceptable. You may have to hold her on your lap facing away from you with your arms wrapped around her for the duration. Just be advised, keep your chin away from her noggin.

As an aside, the parks in Bend are already great this time of year.

M.

Have you tried catching her being good? Sometimes praising her for being good works wonders! I am unsure if you have ever heard- "You have to have 2 positives for every negative you find?" Try this with your toddler- this might work.

My children are 20 months apart; the youngest is now 15 months. Everyone has given you good advice. All I can add is that, from your description, your daughter is not really "out of control;" she is simply 2 years old. It's a hard time (for you) to have a baby to care for. Your daughter probably acts out the most when she knows you can't respond, i.e. when you're nursing or changing baby's diaper. Hang in there, follow the other responders' advice, and remember that ultimately (although it'll be a year or more), your older girl will start to love having a sibling so close in age.

I have a 10 year old daughter and babysit 2 almost 3 year olds and an 8 month old (all since their birth). What my husband and I have found is instead of always having to say "No", it helps to give them a choice when possible. If she is trying to get something she shouldn't, tell her "I'm sorry but that isn't something you can play with, BUT you can have this or this." Giving them 2 choices does help because it puts them in control a bit. If it is something she can't have a choice with....like if she's hitting or something that is naught and hurtful, then we just ask our little ones why they are doing it first and then ask them if they like it when someone hits, kicks, pinches, etc them. Once they think about what it feels like to them, that usually stops it (at least for a while). :) We have also implemented time out when they do something bad. We have done this since probably age 1. You are right....they DO know for the most part, right from wrong. For each year old they are, they get one minute of time out. We have ours sit on the couch with no toys and they can't play. We tell them why they are in time out. Then before they can get down I ask them if they know why they were put in time out. Usually they DO remember. If they don't, I remind them. Then they must tell whoever they were naughty to or didn't mind they are sorry. Then they get to get down and play again. Your daughter is at the age where she is going to want to start showing and finding her independence too. It can be a long road to get through this stage but it is a huge learning stage for them and us parent's/caregivers too. I'll pray things get better with your little princess. :)

I really feel for you. May daughter was just 14 mo when my second came along and we have, and still are fighting the same battles. All the sudden she started screaming, saying "no" back to us and throwing things. What we found that worked for us was to give her one, and only one, warning. Tell her in as calm of a voice that you can that what she is doing isn't ok (explaining confuses them so we use "uh-oh"). "Uh-oh" is a little more friendly than "no" and she isn't being confused by too many words. If she does it again we say "uh-oh" again but we then put her in a play area wihtout toys. Once she stops her behavior we take her out and say thanks for calming down. It has stopped her throwing, she still screams ocassionally but it seems to be working.
I think you had a good idea getting some one on one time with her. I hope this helps and that you can find some middle ground with her soon.

I would try spanking her. There is nothing wrong with spanking your children as a disciplinary measure, especially when she is, as you say, out of control. Once she goes over the shock, she'll behave much better. Good luck, V. :)

Try NOT saying No. Small children need to fell like they have control over a life that is out of control. Give choices. Just make sure that both choices are decisions that you want her to make. When playing with something that isn't hers give her the choice of pick a new toy, or mom will pick one for you. Also, try giving warnings; I know she is too little for the concept of time, but giving a two minute warning will allows her to prepare for a change. Also try saving NO for when it is truly called for. Try what is called positive discipline. Instead NO get off the chair, try saying chairs are for sitting, and then help her get down. Once she gets down say thank you. I have my degree in early childhood discipline, and I am a stay-at-home mother of a two year old and a 6 year old boy. Stay calm, use a quite talking voice, and save NO for when it is really needed.
Good-Luck!! S.

First, you absolutely must catch her being good. Whenever she is appropriate, notice it. "Oh honey, you are so good!" "Look what a good girl putting away her toys!" That kind of thing. And touch her, if you can, touch her shoulder or her arm, that will reinforce your words to her. Also, some people think this is silly, but you can teach her. When she does the right thing, say to her, "You feel so good when put your toys away" And describe her behavior, so she knows exactly what she is doing that is good. When she gets angy, you can tell her, "I know you are angry right now. It is not ok to be mean when you are angry." She will begin to be able to label her feelings and that will help her later on to identify what is going on with her. I know this stuff works; I use it with the children I work with at school, and I only am around them a few hours a day. You can't beat positive reinforcement. Good luck.

Hi there, I'm a stay at home mom too. I have a little boy who will be two in march and a twelve week old baby baby. My oldest son had a hard time adjusting to the arrival of our youngest as well. It sounds like your daughter is acting out to get your attention. I would really reccomend your reading the series of books called love and logic for toddlers. They were really helpful for me and my sons are thriving. Good luck, I know balancing two is hard enough as it is!

Try time out set a timer for two minutes, that way when the timer goes off she know she can get up. Make sure to make her set there the whole time, two minutes is not that long, it works

My daughter was the same way when I had my son. My daughter is now a little over 2 and when she would act out I would punish her by putting her on time out and taking the toy away until she gave me hugs and kisses, occasionally I would get a sorry out of her. I would definitely recommend a time out and take the toy away. I also told her that she was a big girl now and that mommy need her help and that she could not act like that because she might hurt her brother.

It worked for me and my kids are 15 months apart. Now my daughter is constantly helping me and is my little angel.

I am in love with the book Love and Logic Magic by Jim and Charles Fay. Your daughter is a perfect age to start with it. We have a little girl who turned two the month her brother was born and it seriously changed our life. They are now 1.5 and 3.5 and it works miracles with both of them. You can also go to the love and logic website and get email tips and tactics. Good luck!

I recommend a book called Making the Terrible Twos Terrific by John Rosemond. It's on amazon.com, new or used. He practices "old school" parenting, much like what your parents or grandparents would have done. He teaches powerful parenting, calling it a benevolent dictatorship. It is very interesting, and he is funny. He would say to calmly and consistently put her in her room for an hour when she is out of control. It only takes doing that a few times for her to get the idea. I would recommend reading the book to get the whole picture, but confining her for an hour (to make an impression and get her attention) is a place to start, and give her and you a chance to calm down. Our wild and crazy boys won't stay in their room, so we turned the doorknob around on their door and lock it from the outside(it sounds bad, but I'm not going to chase them back in there for an hour - that would only punish me, rather than discipline them). Some people put a safety knob on the inside of their room, but our two-year old can take those off. Naturally her room needs to be child proofed (no blind cords......)

Another school of thought is Parenting with Love and Logic. With it, instead of having power struggles (and ultimately losing) you don't tell the child what to do. Instead, you tell them what YOU will do: I will be happy to discuss this with you as soon as the arguing stops; feel free to join us for dinner as soon as you are calm; you may go out as soon as you have your coat on, etc. Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood is one book, by Foster Cline, also available on amazon.

Good Luck!

I am now a grandmother, but when my boys were young, I read a wonderful book called 'How to Really Love your Child'. It taught me some wonderful things. It said that everyone needs to have their "emotional tank" filled every day. We need 4 min for survival, 8 to grow, and 12 to thrive. ( I think those are the right numbers. You get the idea.) A child needs 4 things. They need physical attention, focused attention, eye contact, and discipline(order in their lives). I was encouraged to stop when my child was acting out, and think about those 4 things, and figure out which one(or more) my child had not had that day. When I sat down, and supplied the thing that was missing, they were usually ready to head off and play nicely before I thought we should be done! It really did work.
It also taught me to stop and think if there was some other reason for the child to act out. Are they hungry, thirsty, tired, sick, cold, hot, etc. In those cases, I needed to give them what they needed before I reacted to their behavior.
God bless you as you love and work with your children. They are such a blessing! S. V

My 3-yr-old son has always been very "spirited."
These books helped A LOT:

"SUPERNANNY: HOW TO GET THE BEST FROM YOUR CHILDREN"
and "ASK SUPERNANNY"

Good luck!
S.

My daughter did the same thing when we had our second, and I found I just had to be more intentional about giving her attention. She did fine, once I did that. Also, let her interact with the new baby, and help as much as she can with getting the bottle ready, getting her a pacifier, or whatever the case may be.

Hi A., One of the things I found with my child was to have her help with the baby. Maybe get a clean diaper, help bathe him or her, push the stroller, find and outfit to wear, etc. Do you ever give her time outs? If she continues to misbehave a time out for minutes equalling her age is recommended. Always in the same place. Maybe a certain cushion or mat. Two minutes for her time outs at this point. It might be the answer. Of course, that new baby is the real problem in her eyes. She, of course is the big sister too. Don't forget to remind her of that. My middle son was 6 yo when my youngest was born and I'm telling you, I don't even want to go into that. It was terrible for 14 years. Now they are best of friends. I wish you the very best. A.

She needs positive re-inforcement. She needs to know that she still is the center of your life.
Have you tried involving her in the care of her brother like fetching diapers, helping you choose a change of clothes, make sure you thank her a lot and glorify her efforts.
Does she also have a new baby doll that she can care for along with you? that may help.
These are a few ideas that I used when mine were babies and I have seen my daughters use with theirs with success,
Good luck
J. (mother of 4, grand-ma of 7, child birt educator)

2 years old is a tuff age, but hold on tight because in my experiance my kids 3's were harder. I use the time out method. At 2 it is hard to get them to stay in time out so I usually would have to sit with them. The kids doctor said to have them sit in time out for as many minutes as there age. At the Learning tree they have 2,3,4,5 ect. minute timers for this. Set it somewere she can see and tell her she can not get up untill it is done. Still at this age they don't listen a lot but the time outs for me helped some. Also pick and choose your battles. If you hear yourself saying No every 5 minutes catch yourself and say is what they are doing going to hurt themselves or someone else. If not let some things go often at this age they are on to the next thing in seconds. Good luck

Hi Annie, My children are 20 months apart and I went through this situation as well. They are now 18 month and 3 and they conspire against me together! I think it's great your finding time to be one on one with your oldest!
What I did was overly reinforce ANY positive behavior and completely ignore any bad behavior (when it could be ignored of course) It wasn't easy, but it helped when he realized he wasn't going to get my attention when he behaved badly. As for the throwing (I went thru this as well), everything my son threw that was his, I put it a big box. By the time the box was full, he stopped throwing things. And when I needed a good distraction, I would give them the box back. Good luck! I can't wait for summer either! J.

Hello A.,

I have some good books for you to check out that may help you with you daughter. They are a bit dated but the information and advice is timeless.
"How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" by Abele Faber and Elaine Mazilsh. Another good one is "Siblings without Rivalry" by the same authors.

I wish you well. It's not easy but sometimes you have to win the battle of wills. After all, you're the adult :)

Maddy

Your 2 year old knows she can get away with it and now that you have a new one, she is not the center of your attention. When my daughter and son were the same ages, it helped to try to get her involved in helping with the baby. If you alienate her from the baby, she will resent it more and act out more. Even though she is only two, you can still give her choices. When she throws a tantrum, try getting down on your knees and looking her straigt in the eye and giving her a choice... she can either stop acting up and you will color with her or she can sit in the timeout area for 2 minutes and let her know it is her choice. When she makes the choice to continue acting up, then you have to follow through with the consequences and put her in the time out. If she doesn't stay there then give her another choice... she either sits there for 2 minutes or everytime she gets up you will add more time and keep putting her back. After she decides to take the punishment and does what she is asked, then give her a big hug, let her know you love her. This is not something that happens overnight, but eventually she will start making the right choice and see that the consequences are much better. It is never too young to start teaching the consequences for their choices and it will help when they hit the teenage years as well. My children are 21, 19 and 14 now and I used this with all of them. I have never had any serious problems and when they were teenagers, I would tell them that it was their choice whether they went to a party or not, but that if they made the wrong choice, they suffered the consequences on their own. It worked and now they are happy young adults who are a lot more mature with their choices in life than most of their friends that are the same ages. Hope this helps. L.

A., try checking out loveandlogic.com . It is a great resource for books, courses etc. My husband and I took a Love and Logic parenting course at a local church (instructors use the space at various churches and other public places with childcare included) It was great, practical advice with tools to deal with real situations. Many of the school districts around Seattle have provided Love and Logic training for teachers.

Good Luck,
R.

Hi A.,

I have a two year old as well! It takes a lot of work and creativity to avoid the constant battles. One thing I constantly have to remind myself of is not to get into a power struggle. The things that have worked for me...distraction and making things a game- if they are doing something they shouldn't, lure them with something else interesting (ie if they are running away from you in a department store say "Do you want to push the elevator button?" OR if she is screaming go whisper in her ear "let's pretend we are mice, can you tip toe and squeak quietly like an itty bitty mouse". If you are in the middle of something with your baby, then make her your special helper- "Can you be my special helper and hand me the diaper" (or whatever). It's not always easy, but I try to save the "No" for the important safety things (hitting, running into the street, etc).
I have also found that my two year old's behavior seems to run in cycles (I suspect with growing or teething). In your case probably the additional baby. It will pass, so try and have patience and find fun ways to connect with her. Good Luck!

Hey A. -
My daughter was the SAME way when we had our second child. I tried every discipline known to man, including spanking because she simply would not listen. At night I would cry because I felt like such a failure. So, I decided to start reading discipline books, lots and lots of them. Here is what I discovered. Number one, no discipline will work unless there is a mutual respect and strong bond between the child and parent. And lets face it, my daughter was flat out pissed off at me for having the new baby who took up all my time and worse off, my lap!! I don't know your situation, so I will just speak about mine and hope that this helps.
For her, the behavior problem was a mixture of issues. Part of it was anger because of the new baby. Another part of it had to do with a toddlers desire to know their boundaries. They want to know that "no means no." So they will ask you over and over again what your boundaries are until they have it figured out. Another part was that I had not figured out a discipline technique that worked for me. That was a year ago. My daughter is 3 now, and we have a discipline technique that works for us. When she refuses to listen, I put her in her room until I can figure out what to do without losing my cool. I guess my only advice is, keep your cool, figure out why she is acting out, maybe she is just two, maybe something else deeper is going on. You would know better than anyone else. But most important, keep your cool. Figure out how to set boundaries that are reasonable for you and her. After reading all the books and working through it myself, there are all sorts of discipline techniques that work, but unless you are comfortable and calm while using them they simply won't work in the way you want them to. I hope this helps A.. Good luck, and congratulations on your growing family.

Not sure how much of it is the new baby, I have a 2 month old and a 3 year old and she acted the same way at that age without us having a new baby. I learned that at that age they're testing boundaries and learning how things work. The throwing thing she did a lot, I guess it was if I can't have it you can't either! We would take away whatever she threw and it eventually stopped happening. All I can add is remain consistent and it will pass, I've been there!