About 4 weeks ago I picked up my children ages 11 & 7 at their fathers and I asked if they had had lunch both the kids said yes but their dad said they didn't eat what was given to them. Well this turned into a yelling match between my 11 year old son and 46 year old ex husband which lead to my son running to the car crying. That was a month ago and he is still refusing to see his dad calling him names and claiming that he hits him. I want them to talk and his father wants to have a sit down and try to talk it out but when we tried my son ran off screaming. I have called 4 different therapists but noone has called back. My ex and I split the child care in the summer and since my son won't go with him its effecting my job. My ex is getting upset that his som won't spend time with him and my 7 year old daughter is confused as to why she goes with dad and her brother doesn't. I am at a loss. The kids were suposed to go camping with their dad this weekend, I don't know if I should force him or not. ANY ADVICE IS WELCOME I AM AT A LOSS!!
Sounds like he's already the one in control. I don't think it should be a choice at 11 unless he's in harms way. Trust me I did not always enjoy swaping visitation and made it known. There was nothing wrong except I enjoyed being one place more then the other. Seeing as it is taking a toll at work it's all the more reason it should not be a choice. You need to tell him he needs to be with his Dad where you know he's safe so you can work.
Hi I hope things are going well for you and your children. Hang in there and go with your gut instincts. Don't let him minipulate you and run the show because he may be learning to play one parent against the other. Easy to do in your circumstance. On the other hand he may have a developed a real feeling of insecurity going with your ex husband. give it time you will find out why don't push the issue. call your pediatrician they are usually able to help. Good Luck!!!
Oh C., what a difficult position you are in! My parents divorced when I was VERY little, so all I know is my two separate families (both parents remarried within a year of the divorce, and are still married to those "new" partners). When I was about your son's age, I also did not want to see my father, and my father respectfully backed off. I didn't "have" to see him for one visit (Easter), but I do believe I had to go see him that summer.
Your son is old enough for several things to happen, depending on your exact relationship with your ex. First, I HIGHLY recommend that you continue pursuing counseling for your son. It doesn't have to be family counseling, as another mother said, he just needs someone impartial to listen to him, and perhaps to give him a few tools to cope with your divorce.
Secondly, if you can talk civily for any length of time with your ex, try asking him to back off, and to give your son some space. Even skipping one visit may make your son feel enough in control of his situation (because, let's face it, children of divorced parents have very little control over their relationships with each parent and visitation "laws") to be willing to see his dad next visit. Perhaps you could ask your ex if he would be willing to work a deal with your son (such as every other "scheduled" visit for six months, or half of the summer visitation...something like that?)
Third (especially if you can't/don't want to do the second), you might remind your son, that while he is growing up quickly, he IS still a child, and you are both still equally his parents, and you and your ex have firmly agreed to the terms of custody, and your son DOESN'T have any control (for now!). You might remind him that the custody situation IS temporary, as he (depending on the state of divorce) will be able to choose his own custody situation at X age (for me, the divorce was in TX and the age was 14). Just gently tell him that he's still a child in the eyes of the court, and the court has deemed this current custody situation to be best for him (and his sister!!), and when he is old enough, he'll be able to choose his own situation (and his desires will most likely change between now and then, you may find in 3-5 years he would rather live with his dad than you, because you may not know how to best raise a teenage son by yourself...which is absolutely NOT a slam to you and your parenting on my part... that's just the way HE may see it, when that time comes).
I DO have a psychologist that I am seeing (for other issues), and I'd be happpy to recommend her if you are near the Groton area... please feel free to PM me if you would like more info...I wouldn't mind chatting on the phone with you if you'd like...
I wish you The BEST of Luck... *hug* You'll all make it through this, and SOMEDAY, you'll have a wonderful, grownup son who does well for himself. :) Everything in childhood, good and bad, is only a phase.
maybe your son doesn't want to be w/his father because of what his father said and did to him. 11yr. olds can be stubborn but not for this long, maybe there is some truth in what he's saying that his dad did to him. in that case speak to your ex about how he is treating your son and let him know how much your son obviously objects to the name calling and the hitting. you are not there so you really don't know what goes on when he's w/your ex. children are smarter than we give them credit for. talk to your son about exactly what goes on when he's w/dad and if it;s bad confront your ex about it. i know you need to work but your son needs you too, try to enroll him in a program that works around your hours.
If you live anywhere near Salem, Mass. I would recommend Dr. Dick LeBel, PhD psychologist. He is an older gentleman, very compassionate, and very, very good at family issues like this. His number is ###-###-####.
I have sent a number of patients to him with family issues and all have come back happy with effective help.
Dr. E.
Hi C., I am so sorry for what you are going through. I highly recommend Dr. Richard Lebel from Salem. He is a licensed psychologist specializing in children and their problems. He has been in this profession for years and years and is a very gentle quiet sort of man - the grandfatherly type. He is a Diplomate in School Psychology and on the American Board Professional Psychology and has a resume four pages long! He sees patients right in his beautiful home on Chestnut Street in Salem. I just know he can help your son. Please call him at ###-###-####. I guarantee that he will return your call quickly. Please tell him that I gave you his name and contact info. I wish you the best. E. Taft
While I usually think family therapy is more effective than one on one, and a family sit-down may be good in a bit, it sounds like at the moment your son needs someone impartial to just listen to him and hear his side of the story. If he won't participate with everyone present, there's a reason, like he's intimidated or still angry. Find someone to hear him out and go from there.
C.,
From my experiences 11 years olds adore their dads. Why is a 46 year old getting into a yelling match with his son anyway??? That should give you a hint on what its like for your son when your not there. Your son is hurt at the way he is being treated, Maybe your ex needs to learn how to parent if he wants to have a healthy relationship with his son. Your ex should be upset, upset that he is treating his son badly. What does your daughter say what is going on. Time for family counseling don't you think. Not good enough excuse they have not called back, keep calling. Don't be at a loss where your children are concerned, time to step in and get to the root of this problem. Good Luck.
D.
