Advice for Stay at Home Mom Needing More Help from Executive Dad

The issue isn't just the work, so hiring help will not fix it. He's not there for you or the kids psychologically. He sounds terribly unhappy though he may be focused and successful. You need to get help or you will end up feeling trapped and the kids will not like him much either - they can tell how important they are to him. He needs to know that life doesn't have to be like this - he doesn't have to give his whole self to a job; it's not healthy even though it may be the way the corporate world thinks he should live. You can get by on a lot less money; millions of people do. He does not have a balanced life and so is failing as a husband and a father.

Hello B., I hear you, I feel like it's not so much him not doing nothing but the reason behind it, I think he does this behavior to avoid commitment, just the thought. I honestly could not stand it,It's like he's not there at all and you get stuck with all the work,even if you hire help the problem is still there,try going to marriage/family counseling or join one of his sessions. This situation is not good for the child, the child will remember this throughout his/her life.

Hi B.,

The issue of division of labor came up on another parenting list I belong to. Since my husband and I have a "reverse traditional" arrangement where I'm the full-time executive, and he's the stay-at-home parent, I just wanted to share how we've done it. I'm not at all suggesting that you should switch places with your husband, but rather that just because the working parent has a full-time job is not an excuse to shirk responsibilities in household production and child care. Just think of this as another configuration of division of labor in a family with one breadwinner and one at-home parent -- it just happens to be switched from the usual gender roles.

Our situation definitely has jumbled things a bit, but I'm hazarding a guess that I'm doing somewhat more than the typical working dad, and my husband is doing a little bit less than the stay-at-home mom.

For my husband, we do have a cleaning lady who comes every two weeks, and in between, he keeps things pretty neat around the house (he's the neatik of the two of us). He does about 70% of our laundry, and I still handle the remaining 30%.

I'm in charge of arranging and coordinating playdates, lessons, and medical care for our son, and vet care for our dogs. I also take the lead on all financial and investment planning for the household. My husband picks up after all of us, vacuums, takes out the trash, shops for furniture, maintains the cars, and fixes stuff around the house and/or manages the contractors.

From 5am till 7am when I leave for work, I take care of getting the baby up, changed, dressed, and fed. Then, I hand him over to my husband on my way out the door. My husband takes care of the baby all day, and runs errands in the neighborhood (drycleaning, getting the oil changed in the cars, recycling stuff, etc.). He is also president of our condo association and very active in community affairs. Then, he literally hands me the baby when I walk in the door at 6:30pm and I take care of feeding the baby dinner, bathing him, and the bedtime routine. After a whole day of chasing after the baby, my husband loves having a mental break where he can just relax and downshift for the evening. I like having a chance to focus on my son.

On weekends, my husband takes care of our son on Saturday mornings when I can get to Pilates and do the household shopping. Then, the rest of the weekend, I'm the stay-at-home parent and my husband gets a chance to do whatever he wants. I usually do a lot of cooking and baking on weekends, and we eat those leftovers during the week. On
occasion, my husband will cook on week nights, but that only happens once every couple of weeks when he has actually planned ahead.

We have a sitter at least one evening a week so we can get out and take salsa lessons together.

Interesting factoid: last spring, a few sociologists presented a paper at the 10th Anniversary Conference of the Council on Contemporary Families. They found that married working fathers increased their time spent on childcare from 2.6 hours per week in 1965 to 6.5 hours per week in 2000. After an informal tally of my schedule, this working mother is spending 30+ hours per week on childcare and domestic stuff (which I don't think is atypical of most working moms).

My sister-in-law is a pediatrician who used to practice in Chicago. After seeing a large sample of families, she's a big fan of the reverse-traditional arrangement because it requires the father to be far more engaged in child care than the traditional situation. Plus, the working mothers always remain very engaged in child care. Net result: kids get more of each parent.

It's been interesting to feel our way through this, but I guess every family just has to figure out what works best for them. My husband actually snorted at the thought that I'd come home after work and want to veg out in front of the TV.

Good luck to you!
D.

Wow, I understand exactly what you are dealing with; I too have a situation like yours. I cried over this far too long until finally while talking to my big sister, she told me to take the focus off him and put it on my needs instead. I needed help in those areas that he lacked commitment to and I hired that housekeeper because I needed the help. I too was a stay at home mother but again when I needed help I hired it. I has to rid my life of the stress he created that wore me out!!! Life is short to some degree and this situation can certainly shorten it even more. Your child depends on you and that's the focus here. So take care of you so you can be there for your baby - he either gets it or he doesn't, he certainly isn't responsive to your needs as a mother or wife. So pick up that phone and call the hired help - if he works like you say he does he will have no problem paying for the help you hire.

Hi B., This is a serious issue and if you don't insisst on some changes your heart will eventually want out. I'm a spiritual woman and I use spiritual resources to resolve home style problems.One day soon make sure the whole house is in order before he gets home, dinner cooked the whole nine yards, you and the baby are dressed for an evening of pleasure, if he decides he's to tired tell him you'll see him later and give yourself an evening of. "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO STRENGTHENS ME." Make it a point to get yourself a BIBLE if you don't already have one, and read Psalms 27/ 91/ 103 and Phillipians 4:13 and don't always take your issues to your friends some may understand and some may not. I see you live in Chicago, so do I. I attend a very active church which speaks highly of corporate household being balanced with both parties chipping in.The main duty of the man is to Protect, Provide, Pray,and keep his spouse happy before she turns to something/or someone for some joy.I don't see a happy man wanting to be into the TV as much as you say he is, so maybe you should consider going to some of his life coaching sessions with him.To get a understanding of what is really being addressed and if their addressing the main issues he's having or just talking for a fee.I'll be praying for you B.. Because where your treasures are so is your HEART.

I definitely agree that a cleaning lady and a babysitter cannot take the place of a husband and father, but getting help for you will ease a lot of the stress and resentment and clear up exactly where you do need help. It sounds like he's overwhelmed to start with, and then if it looks like you need help with everything, it only adds more stress for him, paralyzing him. But if you have a cleaning lady, then you can be more specific about where you need help, and it adds a nice immediate deadline to the request for him to clean up after himself. My husband is similar, and in the days when we had a cleaning lady it was easier to say "clean up your clothes/etc tonight since she's coming to clean at 9 tomorrow..." When you have a clean house then you may have an easier time asking for help on specific things, and you'll have a lot more energy and less resentment than having to do absolutely everything. I say if you can afford it, go for it.

It might be helpful if you and your husband work with a life coach together...?

Feel free to contact me with any questions you might have.

Much Love,
Danya

www.DanyaMotivates.com

I feel like we are married to the same person!!! My husband is married to his job too and he doesn't do squat around the house!

I do not want to judge you since I don't know the whole story but it sounds like the help is within your financial budget. Then why are you resisting it?! Get the help, lower your load, and just try to have lower expectations. Most guys do not do as much as their wives would like them to do. Just be thankful he's not abusive. I mean, he is making good money and you are very blessed to be home with your baby. Not everyone can do that. I think it is an awesome thing to be home and raise your child yourself, instead of some stranger or babysitter but it comes along with added stress. I'm there with you! But here's the deal...You can either take on more than the average "housewife" today does and learn to be happy with the good and minimize the bad (him being an ***hole, or you can be miserable and hate and resent him and end up in a divorce with kids who may suffer from being away from their dad. I feel for you and have struggled with similiar issues but at some point one has to ask themselves what the grand picture is going to be and what is worth being unhappy about. Unfortunately I have learned that we don't always get what we asked for or planned for. Hang in there and know that you are not alone. If you need a sounding board I'm here to listen.

I think he gave you a solution - a cleaning lady and a babysitter. My husband works in the middle east and is gone 8wks to 5 wks at a time. I raise two girls by myself. When he is home it is his time to rest. We do have a maid that comes in once a week. I think a babysitter is a great option, if I had a sitter than I would be living on easy street. His way of helping with his busy schedule is paying for the sitter and maid - thats just not what your wanting to hear. I would be grateful that he has offered that rather than carrying on.

get the cleaning service, find a trustworthy babysitter, maybe even hire a chef and home organizer. all that extra time you can spend it with your husband vegging out and bonding with your son and perhaps he'll see the value in spending that free time with family. i know my husband also cherishes his "alone" time, we all do, but after having gone through the same situation where he did nothing at home but go on the computer and check his blackberry...i did exactly what i suggested. i hired a cleaning service, put our existing babysitter on a weekly basis for friday night date night and not exaclty a chef, but we do those dinner by design type things and all our meals are set for the week. i give sunday for his golf time and during the week he gets a couple nights off, but the rest of the time i honestly force him to bond with our son. i give him a bath and dinner early and the second the hubby walks in its daddy/son play time til bedtime. then he can unwind. and i would say that at first my husband was probably annoyed, but after a couple weeks when our son would literally wait by the door and start screaming with excitement when he got home--he changed, he really got it. and i think he got a taste of the hard work that i went through as well with keeping a 3yo entertained while trying to clean, cook and organize (after i also protested his lack of help by not cleaning, cooking or doing laundry for three weeks). of course, this all happened after a couple huge blowups and fights, but we got there. i thikn its really important to have a heart to heart with him and express your feelings/disappointments/frustations, etc. and even lay out a little schedule of family time. if that doesn't help, then maybe seeing a marriage counselor would be the best.

good luck!

My husband and I went through this many times. Although, he did do a little. The last time I had enough. I was stressed and very unhappy. My kids are older but still grammar school age. They never expected him to do things with them or be at games or whatever because he was "too busy" or "too tired". I told him, I was tired of doing everything, the kids were not expecting much from him anymore, he was crabby all the time and that if he felt our marriage and family were as important as his job then he would show up to the appt. I made. I scheduled an appointment with a counselor for the BOTH of us to show up to. It helped. He needed that third party to "hear" what I was saying to him.
As much as hired help would be great on you, they do not fill the void in yours or your child's life of a husband/father.
Good luck. i hope whatever you do for this situation works out the best for you and your chid.

Has your husband considered a different job? While this might sound drastic, he is obviously unhappy with his current work if he cannot spend any time with his family once he is out of the office. That you already employ a therapist/coach to help him deal with the on-going stress of his job, but that he is still unable to participate in the life that you lead as a family is a rather large red flag.
Otherwise, I would suggest sitting down with him one evening, unplugging the TV and very carefully outlining what exactly you are feeling in the relationship. ie, that ALL responsibilitites are on you, that hiring extra help won't replace him as a father or husband, that his job is more important than you and your baby are, etc. If he really won't hear any of this, have you considered family couselling? Just some thoughts!

B., the guy is depressed with a capital D. This situation led me to divorce, except that my ex (college prof) was home pretty much 24/7 and still did nothing but laundry and balance checkbook to the penny. (Yes, he's OCD and worked all the time on his own research.) I am a freelancer who has some control over my time, but with two little ones I could not manage everything and he insisted we could not afford cleaning help. We ran through three marriage counselors before I gave up.

First, you must help yourself. If you aren't exercising and/or getting out of the condo by yourself, immediately get limited daycare or hire a babysitter, just for a couple of times a week. I put mine in home daycare reluctantly but soon realized 2 was old enough for the socialization to be a big advantage. Next, outsource! Hire a cleaning service, hire appropriate people to finish remodeling and organize the stuff that's waiting. For cooking, visit the www.flylady,net site and look through Leanne's dinner planning service. I have written about this and it's very good and greatly simplifies your life in the kitchen. If you are going to carry everything, you must get as much help as you can afford. You are not subbing for a husband/parent; you are making your home function so you can work more effectively with this essentially dysfunctional situation.

Contact his coach by phone if possible, e-mail or snail mail if necessary, and make it clear that your husband is completely, seriously disengaged from his family and home. He's not just tired. A competent therapist should recognize and treat his condition.

MOST IMPORTANT: don't expect your husband to "see" or understand anything going on here. He just can't, without effective therapy and perhaps medication. The marriage will not survive unless you first help yourself w/household help, self-care and perhaps some therapy of your own. Even if you do not plan to return to work, at least stay in touch w/old colleagues and keep up w/your field. Sad and hard as it is, you must realize that you can't fix everything. My ex, even after 11 years of therapy and meds, has no relationship with our younger son. Avoid this if you can but be prepared for a long haul (that's why you need self-care). Do everything you can to preserve the love.

It sounds like a very tough situation (my husband left yesterday at 5:10 am and came home at 10 pm, so I hear you). But it really sounds to me like your husband is depressed and unhappy. As much as your anger and frustration are legitimate, in this situation you will most likely succeed if you are compassionate. He needs help - a psychologist, a psychiatrist. Maybe a change of jobs, maybe some medication. I know from personal experience that when people are depressed they push their loved ones away and it's a horrible cycle that makes the situation worse. So find it in yourself to be compassionate and reach out to him, try to get him to see a psychiatrist. I had to do this with my brother, and even though he resented me at the time ("I'm FINE"), he finally went and now he's on medication and SO much better. So do try to help your husband, even though you feel like you are the one who should be helped (and rightfully so!).

I think that as hard as he works he SHOULD help, both because you deserve a break but mostly out of respect to you and the household needs. My husband also works a lot and we rely on quite a bit of help (laundry service, cleaning lady, babyistter who comes in the evening to help me out during dinner/bath/bedtime). But I still expect him to do things. I tell him that I don't respect people who are lazy and don't do anything around the house. I don't. I won't raise my kids that way either. So he takes the dog out and clears the dishwasher and does a few other things that really do make me feel better. And he works A LOT of hours, with Blackberry all night and all that.

Finally, don't feel bad getting help. You will have SO MUCH more resources for dealing with your complicated situation if you do. You need the energy to help him and your marriage and yourself!

Good luck!
R.

Couple's therapy. I can't tell you how much it has helped us. Dr. Ann Hartlage is incredible. She puts so much time, effort and skill into helping us. M

My husband and I had the hardest time seeing each other's perspectives. She's helped enormously with this.

Okay. First off, by saying that your husband doesn't "help" you at home, you assume an unspoken role that the household duties are solely your responsibility. Second, it is irrelevant whether your husband watches TV, answers his Blackberry, or picks his nose for hours when he gets home from work. You need him to be more involved, and keeping track of his commuting time won't change him. It will only make you more resentful.

As a former working mom and die-hard self-supporter, I totally relate to the issues you're having. I left the rat race when my daughter turned three (she was diagnosed with autism and her day care is not structured to give her the one-on-one time to which she is responding so well) and let me tell you, the playing field with household responsibilities is way different now. Personally, I don't mind shouldering a little more of the household chores (though I hate cleaning with a fiery passion), but I have to be really careful to still keep it in a "we" context. My husband takes up a lot of physical space with his clutter and generally poor habit of not picking up after himself. It drives me MAD. We are three people living in a two bedroom apartment with no yard, and it is very frustrating. Some days it feels like the best I can do is stay one step ahead of HAZMAT. If we weren't in so much debt for my kid's therapy, I'd hire a cleaning lady in a NYC minute. I'm not going to change my husband's habits anyway.

I also get resentful over the fact he sleeps twice as much as I do - again, a dead-end battle. The real issue is that I need more sleep - which is difficult because my daughter has problems regulating herself and that includes after her bedtime. If you need assistance, stick to the task at hand and hopefully you'll get your needs met.

It's kind of a shame he doesn't want to spend more time with the kiddo. DH loves his Sundays hanging out with our daughter!

Good luck!

Whoa B.!

Sounds like you are at a loss to explain your feelings to your husband and/or that he is at a loss to simply listen to you.

While I am a psychologist and do couple counseling your problem sounds like nothing more than the inability to carry out a productive conversation that acknowledges feelings as the core of the issue underneath the desired/undesired behaviors.

Very common, I might add.

The deal then is to agree to do "slow" conversations in which each of you feel totally validated by the other, and THEN once feelings are under check, move onto problem solving.

Your exec hubby and you have all the skills to do that already. Ain't any different than what the work teams do on the assembly line floor when a glitch is discovered.

R. Katz, Psy.D.
www.richardkatz.org

I feel for you as I grew up with a dad who mostly vege-d in front of a tv set. My dad was a depressed alcoholic who, I think, did the best he could, but I certainly wish it had been different times for us both. It sounds like your husband is depressed, separating himself from you and the family, lack of energy or being able to engage. I'm glad he's seeing a counselor, but it sounds like his sessions aren't producing results if he's numbing himself with tv. First and foremost, take care of yourself as much as you can, by paying for assistance in childcare, housework, etc. AND by spending time with those family and friends who appreciate you. Vent your resentment to a trusted friend or therapist. When you're ready, sit calmly with your husband and tell him how overwhelmed you feel using examples and details. He may not hear it, but you'd be surprised how often we think our needs are obvious to our partners and they're clueless. Try to get him to open up to gain insight into how he's feeling and why he's removed himself from his life. "Work" is not living. Maybe then you can proceed to counseling together? I wish you (and your husband) the best!