Advice for a Stressed Out Mother of a Pre-teen, Hormonal 12 Year Old

Hi, this is my first post on this forum. You guys rock!

I have a very emotionally charged little girl and I have found that making physical contact with her several times a day and looking her in the eye when I speak to her helps. I assume I am looking her in the eye most of the time but if I really slow down when I'm upset, really LOOK at her her and slow my speech she responds...sometimes unconsciously she relaxes a little.
Also, it's hard to remember them as sweet children when they behave like terrors so I picture her as a toddler or small child and remember her vulnerability. It helps me change the way I relate to her, not in an infantile way, but rather as a vulnerable child who is hurting and needs my compassion and help. It makes me not as prone to engage in the war she tries to provoke me into. Her behavior is really only a way of TRYING to face her insecurities and her anger. She wants to face them but she also wants you "fix it" for her as any child does. She doesn't know how and feels guilty about her anger. I tell my daughter her anger is okay but her behavior is not. She doesn't know yet that feelings and actions are different. She believes her behavior is a natural extension of her anger and sadness, not that she "made a decision to act" somewhere along the way.

As for mornings, try going into her room a few minutes early and laying in bed with her. Waking up slowly and with affection can change her entire level of security and some of the anxiety will leave. It may take several days or a week for her to respond in a positive way to reconnecting to physical affection. She may feel awkward or like she's too old to cuddle with mom at first, but she'll warm up and feel more secure and happy, I'll bet.

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I have an 11 year old who's going through the same thing--with the added issue of having ADD. Thanks to the ADD, I've been having to think hard about coping devices/behavioral strategies since she was a wee baby...but nowadays I find myself using everything I know and still coming up short! Just a couple of observations:
1. She needs her sleep. There's scientific evidence to show that schools run on a schedule which is OPPOSITE what teenagers need; they'd do better rolling in around 9 or 9:30 and working later instead of having to haul out of bed at 6:30 or 7. The hormonal thing is a little bit like the fatigue we all remember from that first trimester. It's real.
2. Give her a chance to rise to the occasion. I was sick the other day and after I picked up my seven year old from school I fell back into bed for what I thought would be a short nap. I slept three hours. In that time my 11 yr old came home, did her homework AND fixed some scrambled eggs for her little sister, because she realized I was dead to the world upstairs...and this is a kid who at other times expects her grapes peeled and dropped into her mouth by personal attendants. So: you never know. See if your daughter wants to take over cooking one night of the week, or some "grown-up" thing you've never asked her to do before. This is you, recognizing that she's growing up; this is her, realizing that she can contribute to the family. The suggestion about mom-daughter time is good, too. Schedule a pedicure or something, just the two of you. And then beat your head softly against a wall, repeating, "This will pass...This will pass...."

maybe you could take her somewhere for the day or weekend, just the two of you. Maybe something fun that she would like to do that is a little more grown up than she is used to. It might help bond you guys a little more and bring some respect back. Mutual respect is key. I was a HORRIBLE teenager and any action from my parents that made me feel like I was being treated like a kid or not respected was major feul to the fire. Honestly, I love my parents to death and did then as well but I didn't realize how bad I was to them until after I went to college and realized how much they did for me. I don't know how you make them understand before then. I think making her work for things is great. I always had to mow the lawn (no matter how embarrassing that was) and I made money for it and other chores I did. I was taught to save my money, etc. I'm rambling...but maybe a girls weekend or a girls day at the spa or something would be nice to kind of start over. She does have a lot going on in her life with the two families and new siblings. Make her feel special and keep instilling the same values. She'll always have her moments but just give her some space and keep doing what you are doing.

Part of this is brain development. She will need a lot of sleep and will be difficult to get up, and her schedule should be tweaked as much as possible to be able to accommodate that. Pick your battles.

The other thing that leaps out at me is the hormones. I had PMS so bad I had depression, and believe it or not, magnesium and evening primrose oil worked wonders for me. No, really. 250 or so of magnesium, and get mag citrate if you can, and 500 EPO when things are good and 1000 when they are bad, both twice a day about 2 weeks before she expects her cycle, will work wonders.

Also, get her the book Taking Charge of Your Fertility. This will help her understand the ways to identify your cycle and to learn about her body and this new phase of life.

But the supplements are key for me. They made everything better for the hormones, and really leveled them out. Admittedly, she is a teenager and there is no way to totally level that out - her body has to go through things to be able to eventually regulate them. But perhaps the supplements will help?

I wish you luck. Apparently George Carlin said something to the effect of "trying to raise teenagers is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree". You aren't alone, and it will pass.

H.

For your info, I am a mother of two adults, and a retired teacher, and am on this site because I am about to become a grandmother for the first time. Yea! This is a difficult time for many teens, raging hormones and normal adolescence. Your daughter may also be having some Korean identity issues, which sometimes surface during adolescence, when they are searching for who they are. You are very, very lucky that both families are on the same page, and that you have a mother who is helping out. It's harder to deal with children/teens when they don't care (or profess to not care) about having privileges taken away. She needs to know how this affects the family, but at the same time be helped with some strategies. You must be consistent in your responses, and consistent with your requirements. From my experience, the most critical thing you all can do is be supportive to her, but give her regular I-messages about how you feel about the behavior you are seeing, and discuss with her alternative ways for her to express her emotions. E.G., "When you (insert particular behavior here) it makes me (upset/angry/frustrated) because (insert your need--such as to have peace in the family setting, protect her sibling from harassment, etc. ) How can we solve this?" Her siblings need to do the same thing, and as a bonus it will give them some tools for when they're older.

I would definitely acknowledge the issue with hormones for young women, and the fact that it naturally makes her feelings and behavior more erratic than they used to be. However, the family still needs to live in peace, and she needs to learn to curb her antagonizing behaviors. I used to have books for using this method, but with some research on your part I think you could find some advice and ideas. I would go spend a couple hours in a bookstore and find books that deal with pre-adolescent problems. You don't need to buy them unless you want to, several sessions in a bookstore or library may give you the info you need.

Some other thoughts, Do you have a consistent schedule at home with set times for HW, dinner, breakfast, etc. and responsibilities for each child? Is this affecting her school work, too? Does she have a regular homework time? Does she need that laptop to do her assignments? Can you schedule some time for the two of you to have fun? And not just you, but your husband or your ex or his wife if she gets along well with them. If you can have some light, private moments, without the other sibs, you can build some experiences that are positive in her mind. A movie, a lunch out, a walk in a park or woods, a recreation class that you can do together, whatever. no more room!

As the mother of two grown daughters, and an 18 year old son, I do relate to your situation. I said many times as my girls were growing up, that I believed that all children should be sent to military school from 12 to 18/19. I always felt that my children were basically decent kids, but I really had the feeling that they were trying to make me crazy sometimes.
It seems to take forever for this to change, but it will get better, eventually. I also tried to keep in mind that they are trying to separate from their families, as they grow, and it is scary for everyone involved. The world can be a scary place for teens, and we really can't change that. We can, however, give them a safe place to grow, learn, make mistakes, and be accepted for who they are.
However, we need to keep doing the things we feel are right, and expecting the same from them. Persistence is the key, along with a really good dose of humor, a little compassion (for ourselves as well as our children), and the realization that all the things you mentioned are pretty normal for any child. (My son never cared about any punishment that we used, either.) Try to make yourself accessible when she wants to talk, listen, try to relate to her as an intelligent individual (sometimes hard to do, I know), keep your standards (and your sense of humor), and let her know you love her, even if you don't like her behaviour or attitude, sometimes. I am amazed that my children are adults now. It seems like only yesterday that they were babies. Time really does fly, you know!!!
I wish you the best:)

I have a 12 year old hormonal girl, too. She hasn't gotten her period yet, but we can see what's in store for us. She can be very sweet and cooperative, but when she's tired or hungry or just in a bad mood, she starts yelling and insulting all around her. She is especially hard on her younger brother, thinking that he gets all the goods, and she gets "nothing." It's true that his gentle nature gets affection quicker than her moodiness, but she doesn't understand how her negativity prevents that closeness she wants.

Anyway, we have tried some things that sometimes work. When she is yelling, we leave the room. Or leave the house! If she yells in the car, we stop and take the keys, and get out of the car until she calms down. Basically, taking away the audience.

She seems to need a lot more alone time in her room now. She listens to music and sings her heart out, and that helps her.

We're also teaching her deep breathing and relaxation techniques. This only works after a tantrum, so far.

Also, when she is well behaved and can think through a conflict, we pour on the praise, telling her that because she handled the conflict maturely, we are able to work with her and compromise.

If your daughter can't find ways to redirect her intensity (sports, music, dancing, whatever) and it seems to be getting worse, you might want to take her to be evaluated for depression or anxiety. I know hormones mimic depression and anxiety, but if she is truly suffering from either, she can get relief from medication, or even homeopathic things like Calms and Rescue Remedy.

I feel for you! Good luck with this, and remember, this too shall pass, and don't take it personally!

Have you ever read The New Strong Willed Child by Dr. Dobson? He specifically addresses behavior like this. You probably haven't found the disciplines that are really going to hit home for her yet. And they are probably going to be things that may be inconvenient for you. She is constantly challenging you to see if you're going to push back with disciplines that are really going to sting. She is also crying for attention. At this point, teenagers are very self centered and probably some one on one time is very necessary. Even if it's only once a week or every two weeks, make a big deal out of planning something that is just for the two of you and the same for her dad. She needs to know that you still have time for her with everything else in your life. (I teach this age group, so I see this a lot) Lastly, sit down and ask her what the deal is. Sometimes, when we put the problem into words and force them to think about it and come up with an answer AND a solution, it lets them know that this is not just a discipline issue but also that we really want to help them change. I hope this helps. Several of my students have responded very well to these methods when Mom and Dad started employing them at home.

A.,
I have a friend who is going through the exact same thing and everyone keeps telling her it is also a phase. She has implemented a reward system and it seems to be helping. She gave her certain responsibilities that she is to do each week as well as certain tasks ment to involve her younger siblings. Instead of just telling her this, she has made a chart for all of the children with their responsibilities for the week on it. Each child is rewarded according to their age. For her 12 year old, she gets special time with mom. She will take her to the movies or sit with her and chat while she does her nails. I think it is more of getting personal attention and one on one time with mom. Would this work for your child as well? Maybe she is really craving the attention for you and your ex-husband. My mom and dad both worked full time but my mom used to get off early on Fridays (just the way her job worked) so during the summer we got to spend all of Friday afternoons by ourselves. That is what I looked forward to every week. I knew that she was very busy and didn't have much time for herself but she always spent that time with me. I didn't care if we were just watching tv or having lunch, it didn't matter to me. I only have one sister though, and she is eight years older than me so I know that will make it harder, having other children too. As for my friend, it seems to be working well for her. Her child is a lot more respectful and acting more mature since she gave her the jobs to do around the house. And I know she looks forward to getting mom time each week as well. It may not work for your child but it might be worth a shot! Good luck!

First, let me tell you that you will get your sweet daughter back eventually! I have an 18 year old daughter who just started her 1st year at college and believe me there is a "light at the end of the tunnel". The year she was 12 and in 7th grade was probably (definitely!) the hardest year I had with her. My situation was similar to yours as my daughter was from a past relationship and I married my husband when she was 10 years old and now we have 2 more kids (4 and 1). In hindsight, I think the pressure from friends to be something she wasn't or try things she wasn't ready for really affected her attitude. The girls she was friendly with were, by far, the meanest girls I have ever encountered, and I went to a private all-girls school!! It was clear that a couple of them (the "ringleaders") would plot who they would target next and devise pretty evil ways to be malicious. It's hard to see things from your daughter's point of view when you are knee-deep in attitude and defiance, but it's a full-time job for your daughter trying to fit in with friends and their expectations and that's really hard for her. Most likely, you are the only one she can take her feelings out on, so unfortunately you get all the negative stuff she can't vent on her friends. I also tried grounding my daughter and taking everything away and your daughter probably does care about losing those things, even though she says she doesn't. The next year will be rough no matter what you do, but I think that consistency is the key. Make the rules and EVERY time she breaks them enforce a consequence. I also think that telling her about my own experiences as a teen and how I dealt with them was helpful. It sort of let her experience my mistakes without having to make them herself. Believe me, she's listening and taking what you have to say to heart MUCH more than you think!! I wish someone would write a manual on raising teens, because a lot of it is just trial & error and hopefully you can benefit from the things that worked for me (because there were many tactics that totally failed!!). I can now talk with my daughter on a more adult level, and I can see firsthand that how we handled her as a teen has had a positive effect on her growth. I see a lot of my morals and values coming out in her, so keep instilling yours in your daughter...she is getting it! Good luck and I wish you much patience :)

Hi there A.. First off (((((Hugs)))) to you. I know that you are dealing with a lot right now but keep in mind that it is a normal part of development. For your daughter she is going through twice as much emotion as her peers. Going through what young girls do when their bodies change is hard enough. The hormones they endure can make them monsters at times. But this is also when adopted children begin to question more of their background and become curious of their true identity. Your daughter may have a lot of pinned up emotions in regard to that and she doesn't want to express it and hurt you in the process. (This is normal) Please know that children going through these emotions can say things that they don't mean and you have to remain strong. Be very supportive and make sure you set aside time for just the two of you to do things and communicate together. If you need anything else please feel free to email me at home. (____@____.com) and I can send you some great links. Here is one link below:
http://www.heartlightministries.org/blogs/markgregston/20...

Good Luck!! ;o) ~Jilly~

Have you tried some one on one time with her? Time where just mother and daughter can have lunch, go window shopping or to a movie. During these outings, maybe you could look her right in the eye and talk to her about how she is feeling. She is stuck between being a child and being a teenager so there is a lot of emotional angst there. Sounds like she is trying to get your attention. Letting her know how much you love her is important and time equals love. On the flip side, her poor behavior is not acceptable and there also have to be clear guidelines about chores, siblings, etc. If nothing else, maybe you and your ex need to sit down with her alone and spell it out firmly. Whatever you decide, communication is the key!

A., welcome to the stressful world of teens. Everything that you describe is "normal" for a teenager. They are in the process of understanding who they are as an individual and learning how to become independent. It is hard on the parent, but it is a very important stage that everyone had to go through to become a self-aware and functioning adult.
What she needs (and actually wants) are clear cut guidelines that she can learn to follow. But that push to be totally independent of anyone else, coupled with a lack of true maturity, will make her not want to accept your boundaries. Setting and enforcing boundaries is your task here, and setting consequences to violation of those boundaries is the tool. All this must be done while at the same time respecting your daughter's growing need for privacy and maintaining respect for her as an individual. It's a very tall order, and it is the reason why the teen years are the hardest on a parent. They are most like the "terrible twos" because both are part of a natural and necessary emotional growth phase for a child. The teen years are complicated by those raging hormones, which only make it more difficult. The wonders of these years are seeing a young adult emerge from the turmoil and knowing that you played a role in the functioning of that new adult. Good luck, but find the good to enjoy as well.

Alright A. you have two things working against you right now she is dealing with the period which by itself can drive any mom insane and the second is she went from an only child to a large family. I have had 4 girls go through the hormone thing and trust me that is just a crazy time they think you are mentally retarded and have absolutely no clue I can tell you this is normal and I am still going through it with my 16 year old it goes away about the age of 17. So you have another 5 years of dealing with this and until the hormone get in check just let her have time to herself. She too can have PMS. It usually occurs about 2 or 3 days before she starts and last another 3 days.
Second you have the blended family thing this takes time for her to adjust I too went through this with my 3rd daughter who now is finally becoming civil she is 25 now. I think the biggest thing you probably could do for her is to have mom and daughter time she has gone through quite a change and probably doesnt feel she is important anymore. But if you plan dates with just her and spend some alone time with just her so she can talk and you just listen to her concerns then maybe the two of you will work this out. But it will take time but she has to understand that she is just as important to you as she was before the new siblings showed up! Most important treat all the same in the house. Make sure you tell her you love her every day even if its a bad day make sure you say over and over again I think once she figures that out she will do alot better.

My son is 11 as of December of 2008 and my husband and I gain control of how our children act. I do the punishment thing and stop allowances but I also put a strap to his butt too. Let your child know who pays the bills and if need be just start taking more luxury away from her. Let her know there are plenty of kids that wish they could have their own bed to sleep in or have their own plate of food under a roof that is provided by their parents. If people are telling she is going through a phase then when will it stop? Even though she is hard to deal with maybe she wants you as her mother to spend more time with her. I know work provide for your family but your child might need you and acting out is the way she is showing you. Let her talk to someone who has no opinion about how she feels and see where that takes you.

C.

Hi A.! I don't have any advice for you...just wanted you to know you are not alone! I have a pre-teen, hormonal 11 year old that is going through all the same things and failing school! We are at our wits end with her! We too have taken away all the things she loves (computer, DS, cell phone, tv, etc). We have recently gotten her school involved (teachers & guidance counselors). I know she feels "ganged up" on but we told her we had to do something to stop her from herself. However, she is interested in earning back the things she lost.

As someone else suggested, we gave her a list of her responsibilities every day (getting out of bed without argument, leaving for school on time, paying attention at school, turning in her work, bringing home all her homework assignments signed off on by the teacher, getting her homework done without argument and a few misc household chores). If she does them all as she is supposed to, she gets to use her precious computer, tv, etc for a designated period of time. If she complains about or fails to do even one, she gets none of it.

I also talked to her about more "mommy time". Someone else mentioned this as well and this has always been important to my daughter. She has never wanted to "run errands" with me. She wants me to take her somewhere. I explained to her that our lives are very busy (we have cut back on activities but we are still busy) and that I would love to have her help me with errands and it would still be just me & her. She was agreeable to that.

So far, this all seems to be helping. We haven't been on this regime long. Time will tell if it "works". Our 11 year old is also our oldest and we just don't have a clue, obviously. That is why we contacted her school guidance counselor. She was very helpful in giving us some recommendations on things to try.

I wish you lots of luck in dealing with your daughter and finding the right equation for your family. There are so many things they go through at this age and I just really don't think they quite know how to express everything they are feeling adequately. Just know that you are not alone! If you would like to vent or just talk to someone who can empathize with you, send me a message! I'm a SAHM who runs a home daycare (before & after care only) so I am usually available at some time during the day!

Good Luck!