C.W. asks from Saint George, UT on September 12, 2010
Adoption - Saint George,UT
Has any moms on here adopted babies? I've heard of actually being there when the baby is born for adoption. How does that work? I've also heard financially and waiting is alot! Is that true? I am so curious. I want 3 or 4 kids and am looking at adoption for the future, 5 years from now. Any information would be helpful as I said I'm very curious about eligibility and the process.
So What Happened?™
MegandOllie, do you have to be LDS to use them? I am not. I know that ending is always there but I wouldn't be mad. I'd be kind of sad obviously but I have alot of empathy for mothers and almost positive I'd relate if they changed their mind. The hard part would be not buying alot of newborn stuff so in case that happens I'm not out a grand or however. Like just buy a crib, one box of diapers, formula, the necessities, two outfits and then blow all the money :D after I know the baby is mine.
Does every adoption agency want a religion established home? I'm non-denominate. Do I need to go to church to prove I can be a mom? No offense to the agencies but that's ridiculous if that's how it is.
Thanks for the information guys. I'm leaning towards IUI (sperm bank). I haven't decided but I have a few years to think about it :)
B.K. answers from Chicago on September 13, 2010
It is rare nowadays to find an agency that will not advocate for an open adoption. Open adoption is the norm now, despite what others here say. In my years of working with agencies and meeting people who have adopted, I have only met one family with a totally closed adoption.
I have a 12-year-old adopted daughter. We have an open adoption (it started out as closed, but lots of prayer led me to search out the birth mom and open the whole thing up). It is best to be honest and open with your kids, and knowing they have a birth family is reality and keeping the truth from them is hurtful and dishonest. We have a wonderful relationship with her birthmom and birth grandparents and aunts and uncles -- in fact they spend every Thanksgiving with us and we've been to family reunions, etc. There is nothing better than openness and honesty! The birth grandmother even said she is sorry now that we started it out as closed because it would have been wonderful for us to have been there at the birth.
Ask around for reputable adoption agencies (who specialize in open adoption). People who push for closed adoptions are a little in the dark ages. It's not good for anybody. I never would have believed that about 13+ years ago. I always thought nobody should know anybody in regard to adoption. I was so wrong.
I have a birth daughter and an adopted daughter and honestly I can't tell the difference. Adoption is a wonderful thing.
We didn't buy anything ahead of time because there was always the chance the birthmom could change her mind. It happened to friends of ours. You can shop for the necessities and do the big stuff (crib, clothes, etc.,) later.
You could call www.cradle.org to ask them about agencies in your area to work with. You will have to go through a home study and be certified as foster parents (probably) and there will be some waiting probably. They can give you an estimate of the financial cost of these things.
Adoption is a great thing! My advice is to Just Do It! And don't listen to the folks who want to scare you out of open adoption. It's just not fair to the kids.
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G.M. answers from Las Vegas on September 13, 2010
C., Yes, you must be LDS to use LDS Family Services to adopt a baby, however, they will happily work with birthmothers from every background, without cost or obligation to the birthmother.
I worked for years as an adoption volunteer, was part of an adoptive parents support group and am an adoptive parent of two children. Yes, the process can be long, yes, it can be expensive and it can and is very emotional. There are several different paths to adoption, some more expensive than others.
Foster to adopt is a wonderful path. You become certified as a foster parent in your state, and the opportunity to adopt children in the foster care system can sometimes happen pretty quickly. Many of these children come from less than ideal circumstances, hence, the reason they are in foster care. Sometimes children have been so abused in one form or another they struggle to bond with foster or adoptive parents. Other times, you get them through the initial struggles that lead them to foster care in the first place, and they become an amazing part of your family. In the case of foster to adopt, there is usually no cost. There will be heart ache and love and joy and a beautiful child.
International adoption can be very expensive, quite time consuming, lots of red tape, and you will nearly always wait so that the child is 9 months or older before you are able to bring them home. There are lots of groups and agencies that facilitate international adoptions, do your research.
Religious agencies, (i.e. LDS Family Services, Lutheran Social Services and Catholic Charities) are wonderful organizations to use for adoptions. If your church has such a program, I would offer than those are the best places to start. The adoptions are usually less expensive than international or private/legal services.
Private Attorney adoptions are probably one of the most expensive routes to adoption, at least in my experience. Now, I will tell you something that I don't know for sure, but again, is my understanding. A private adoption attorney will dot all the I's and cross all the T's, but the birthmother probably won't get any counseling or help in mourning the loss of her baby, which is a vital part of this process. More on that later.
Private Adoption Agencies are plentiful, usually for profit organizations, will generally offer counseling or help to the birthmother, and prices can vary. Again, do your research with these agencies, ask them for names of other families who have adopted and ask the adoptive families what their experience was like.
Ask everyone you know for references and suggestions on local agencies or programs. Your best source of advice is from adoptive parents, or those who work in the social services industry.
As for the amount of contact you will have with the birthmother, it is a decision that is made by the birthmother. Those decisions will vary, depending on how much contact she wants when the placement process is over. One of our birthmothers had initially requested we be there when the baby was born. At the time, it was not possible to do that for a variety of reasons, and we did not see our son until the day he was placed with us. We look back on that and know it was the very best thing in our case. Our birthmothers needed time to be with their baby, to bond a little with them and say goodbye. It's very important for that process to take place between a birthmother and her new baby. It is very hard, and yes, some birthmothers will change their minds when the baby is born, but for her to be able to mourn her loss (which is real), and move on in her life, that process must take place.
Find a program that works for you. Discuss with your husband what your wants and expectations are before hand so that you can have an honest disucssion with an agency representative and then a birth mother. Adoption has changed over the years, and it is very common now to find that open adoption is the "norm". Our oldest just turned 12, even in the last 12 years the process and relationship with adoptive parents and birthmothers is completely different than when we brought our first baby home. We love our birthmothers, and what little time we were able to spend with them prior to the birth of our boys is precious to us.
Good luck in your adoption process!
2 moms found this helpful
J.B. answers from Atlanta on September 12, 2010
It varies by state, but unfortunately it IS expensive no matter where or how you do it. You can do private adoption/open adoption where you meet and get to know the birth mother and ask if you can be present for the birth. You can also do surrogacy, which is very expensive but gives you more of an opportunity to participate in the pregnancy and birth. If you're willing to adopt minority or special needs children, your wait will be shorter, and there are many who need a loving home.
2 moms found this helpful
L.M. answers from Dover on September 12, 2010
The laws vary by state. There are open and closed adoptions. The screening process can be long, as can be the wait. There is also always the heartbreak if the birth mother changes her mind. Check w/ your local agencies for the best advice in your area.
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M.P. answers from Provo on September 12, 2010
Well I was planning on placing my son. I had picked out a couple and everything. I welcomed her to be in the delivery room and that is the only way that she or you would be able to, is if the birth mom says it's ok.
She and my mom hung out together for the 9 hours we waited. We all talked, and it was great. When it came to cutting the cord, I let her also.
(I know this is horrible of me to let her do all this and then decide to keep my son, but I was dead set on placing him before seeing him. Just know that it can and does happen. . . not to bring you down at all. Just being prepared is best.) Which agency are you looking at. If you go through LDS Family Services (I see you are from Utah, I'm sure you've seen the commercials) I hear they are the cheapest, but the wait is LONG.
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S.W. answers from Amarillo on September 13, 2010
It has been 37 years next month (Oct) that we brought home our son from the children's agency (state run in Arizona) and he was five weeks old. At that time, the adoptions were foster, than you petiton the court for adoption after 6 month waiting period. This gave you a chance to get acquainted to the child and to any health issues that might arise. A home study was conducted, backgrounds, physicals, financial stability as well. Our fee was on a sliding scale as the annual income. None of the fee went to pay for the mother's hospital bills as her family paid for it all so the agency got the money.
At that time (the dark ages) adoptions were closed to avoid any "problems" with mothers or such. Some medical information was provided about the family health so we would not be completely in the dark.
There were times while waiting for the probationary period to be completed that I wondered if the mother would want to take the chld back. I also thought about the many nights I stayed up and cared for this child and lost a job over to comfort him that she would not get him back and she never did.
In fact he just had a birthday yesterday and is all of 37 and happily married. He has never once mentioned anything about wanting to search out either parent. I would have stood by him if he wanted to and supported him in his search.
Why the state agency, it was one that another family used while we were in Arizona as a young military family and it only took us six months from the time that we applied to the time that we brought our son home (this does not always happen).
Good luck on the agency you choose and enjoy motherhood. "Remember it is the growing of love from the heart and not the womb." The other S.
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K.H. answers from Los Angeles on September 13, 2010
I have 2 children who I have adopted. The oldest one is 4 and he was adopted privately with the use of an attorney. This method was very expensive but we have contact with the birthmom and her family. Our wait time was 1 year from start to birth. My second child is 18 months and he was adopted through the county program. Unfortunately, we have no contact with the birthfamily. He cost us nothing and we were on their waiting list only 1 month. Both programs have fit our needs and we got both of our sons as newborns. So, you just never know. Good Luck!!!
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M.T. answers from Visalia on September 13, 2010
Our family is in the final stages of adopting our son who is an amazing little boy. Granted he was not newborn when we got him (6 months old) however he was still 'baby' enough for us! We went through a local Foster agency. It cost us: nothing and we were able to bring a wonderful child into our home. Just another option. The wait, 2 years but that was because we wanted adoption from the get-go. Good luck.
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