Hello. I have a six and a half year old son, and four year old daughter. She has been acting out lately to a degree that I believe is not normal and none of my efforts have been effective. Initially, she began waiting too long to go to the bathroom (not uncommon I know) then getting some on the floor in front of the toilet as she rushed to go. But then the problem worsened. She had several occasions where she went on the floor in the bathroom without trying to even get to the toilet, then in the last three days, she has gone upstairs on the carpet in her room. These "carpet accidents" followed large fits by her and to me it seemed almost intentional. At this point, I am taking her to the bathroom on a regular basis and staying with her. It feels as if she is trying to control me, but I am unwilling to have her keep urinating on my floors. Other examples of acting out include not eating her food, having complete breakdowns if I go up the stairs before her and don't wait for her, and refusing to get out of the car. I have tried calmly trying to placate her, time outs, leaving her on the stairs and not giving into her demands to come get her, ignoring the accidents, talking to her about the accidents, and getting angry with her. No approaches seem to work. At this point, I am concerned there is something wrong with her, or that I need professional help to tell me how to deal with her outbursts. One other piece of information about her is that she was born 6 weeks early, although she was breathing and everything was fine.
From what you are talking about, it sounds like my daughter. She too was born 6 weeks early. I took her to the doctor to find out that she had a really bad bladder infection. After she was on medication and was feeling better, the meltdowns stopped and so did the accidents.
Let me preface with credentials here: I am a developmental psychologist, and I work exclusively with children. I have a PhD, and 15 years of working experience under my proverbial child behavioral belt.
Without writing a novel here, let me assure you that her behavior IS COMPLETELY NORMAL. All of these behaviors are typical for her age - the only thing that might be encouraging the behaviors to continue is your "getting angry with her". When it comes to the urination issues, please, do not become angry with her. Occasional potty training regression is typical and normal, and as the mother of a SUPER intense, strong willed 3 1/2 year old daughter, I understand being unappreciative of pee on the floor. The reason why it seems that she has peed on the floor in the bathroom is because, if she is holding her urine for whatever reason, when she does finally use the restroom the bladder is so full and empties so quickly that the stream comes out with a lot of pressure and can overshoot the rim of the toilet (like a little boy will do when they are learning to potty train sitting down).
Run out and get the book "The Strong Willed Child" by James Dobson. It will give you the necessary insight into the root of your child's behavior, as well as the tools and techniques you will need to deal with them.
Never fear - at the risk of sounding cliche, this too will pass!
Sounds like a completely normal 4 year old who is acting out. I have a 3 year old son who throws complete tantrums which include screaming, telling me 'no' and throwing things, to the point that he broke our front living room window last week!! None of my efforts have worked either. I turned to all the Mamasource moms and Amazon.com for some books. I have ordered two and hope they come very, very soon as I am desperate.
I don't see anything developmental wrong with her. And please don't try to compare to any other children you know; they are all so different in so many ways that comparing just is not fair and doesn't make us feel any better.
Good luck and keep us posted.
Time outs don't work. They might work on the "outside" if you have a very complacent child. But they do nothing to change the heart of the child. You child has a heart issue.
I reccommend the book 'Shepherding A Child's Heart" by Ted tripp.
ps...if the potty accidents have all been urine, you might want to have her urine checked at the docotr to make sure she doesnt have a UTI. A big sign of a UTI is after getting the signal to pee, not being able make it to the toilet in time.
It doesn't sound developmental, it does sound like acting out of sorts. And, based on my experience with my son who has ongoing potty/poop issues, I would say it probably all comes from that. My armchair psychologist analysis -- she feels shame from the first accidents, and is trying to make the outside situation match how she feels on the inside. So peeing on the carpet, making you mad and annoyed or whatever, makes it feel true to how bad she is feeling to begin with. I would say that what's called for is lots of love, reassurance and patience. I bet if you back off some of the control struggles (don't make her eat, she won't starve) and show her tons of patience and understanding, she'll get through and come around. Chances are she's terrified of your opinion of her, of having let you down, and she needs to feel your unconditional love.
Now if I could just take my own advice more often, and find my patience!! Good luck, she'll be OK.
Sounds like your daughter is trying to exercise some "control" over her life. I suggest you read the Love and Logic book for Early Childhood. This book will give you ideas on how to give your daughter options, which in her eyes is more control over her life while getting what you want from her...better behavior and obedience. It doesn't work all the time, but it definitely helps.
As for the potty thing, have you talked to her Pediatrician about it? Maybe she's having urgency issues or something. Although she could be acting out as a way to take control...its hard to know. You may want to backtrack and set up a potty chair in her room and/or one in or near where she is urinating on the floor. I would definitely check that the potty issue is not medical.
Good luck and take care!
“My husband does not help.” It almost sounds like you don’t live together. If you asked for some help would he help you?
I believe temper tantrums, stubbornness, and occasional potty accidents are normal. I don’t believe urinating on the carpet is normal at all. I would have a heart to heart with her, without anger and tell her you understand how she could get a little urine on the bathroom floor, but when it happens she needs to be the one to clean it up. Put a roll of paper towels in the bathroom. You may have to clean it better later, just don’t let her see you. Make her responsible for her own messes.
As for the carpet issue, tell her if that happens again, she will have to wear pull-ups until she can get to the bathroom in time.
I accidentally broke a window when I was about three or four wearing my mother’s high heels. I kicked one off and it flew through the kitchen window. My older brother, who was 14 or 15, told me I would have to pay for it. My mother wasn’t home at the time, so I was pretty scared, worried and at a loss as to how I would ever pay for that window. Needless to say, I didn’t put on my mother’s heels anymore.
Blessings……
If you have any doubt I suggest youhave her checked by the regional center in your county... and you can also go to: http://www.developmentalspectrums.com/
Love, G.. :0)
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"I know of nobody who is purely Autistic or purely neurotypical. Even God had some Autistic moments, which is why the planets all spin." ~ Jerry Newport
My first thought is "get over the premie bit". I did not have a premie, but my understanding is unless there are serious health issues at birth, premie children catch up to their peers after a year or two.
That being said, she sounds normal, like she is feeling out of control and wants to regain control. Make sure you are letting her make decisions about what to wear, which of two snacks to choose from, which park to go to etc. When I am driving with my kids in the car, I occasionally just drive in the direction they tell me to turn in. We have found new parks and old favorites. I/we never know where they will direct me, but we always have fun doing it and they are the ones in control of our destination.
There is nothing developmentally wrong with her (as the others have already agreed). She wants control.
I also agree you shouldn't try to compare her with other kids--been there, done that, it didn't help. = )
I don't think you should be working quite so hard to 'placate' her--because you can't, and will only exhaust yourself. Don't let it upset you, or at least don't show that it does (easier said than done). As far as the bathroom issues, you can try taking her to the bathroom regularly to try to keep her bladder empty. But try to be casual about it---she can come in with you while you brush your hair or something, so she is getting attention.
Have you tried asking your older child what HE thinks? He might have something interesting to say. = ) I found that one of mine had good insights about his younger brother...nothing I didn't already know, but nice to hear it from an observant sibling.
check out beyondconsequences.com. It is an approach that will help you to be emotionally present with her while she is in her upset. She won't feel abandoned and further act out.
R., LCSW & mom of 4
I, too, am a 40 yr old mom with a daughter (about to turn 4) and her older brother, 5.5 yrs. I think I need to read more about 4 yr old girls, because my daughter wants to be a baby, wants to be carried, and dressed, wants someone to stay in the bathroom with her, sometimes wants to wear an unnecessary diaper to bed, and today wanted me to hold her cup to help her drink her water. She often doesn't listen to me and gets very wild by 4 or 5 pm. She gets upset easily and talks in a whiny voice. She hits her brother (and me) when she's mad and she's been testing how long many times she can leave time-out before she no longer can handle the consequences (like something she likes being taken away). She still wets her pants occassionally, but I think it's because she doesn't want to stop playing to go potty.
In my case, I think there are a few factors that may be leading to these behaviors. She sees our baby (9 months) getting attention that she doesn't get. Her birthday is in a week and perhaps (like her brother was able to express for himself) she feels like she doesn't want to get older. She probably isn't getting enough sleep. I've been on the phone a lot lately planning parties and I've been trying to get the house cleaned up, so I haven't been spending much quality time with her. I know I also probably treat her as being older because she usually does (or wants to do) everything her older brother does.
I hope you can quickly figure out what the issues are for your daugher. Thanks for giving me a chance to think about spending some more time and attention on my daughter.
If she was holding her urine for too long and now can't hold, it I would think UTI. If you've ever had one you know they can make you VERY iritable. Have her checked first, then check into the behavioral issues. They may go away with the infection.
