Accidental Loss of Pet

My in-laws dog died of old age when my son was about 5. My FIL let the dog out and a while later realized she hadn't come back to be let in, went out and found her.
What my son thought was that papa left the dog outside so she died.
Be very clear so they don't assume the guilt you're trying to alleviate.

I wouldn't have told them either,

but you are saying the kids said do know???

well would it have killed a young healthy dog? or was it becaue the dog was old that it had that bad of a reaction?

I might play it that way, Yes the dough was bad for the dog but he was already old and sick.
You are probably best to give as little info as possible.
IMHO

Tell them the truth but do not blame them. Lying to them will backfire.

I personally think we shy away from powerful learning opportunities because we don't want our kids to feel bad and we inadvertently raise children who can't handle life's difficulties.
When I was your daughters age, we cared for a friend's pet chipmunk. We adored it. On the day they were coming to pick it up we were playing with it one last time. He scampered and hopped all over the room. Then my sister opened or closed a door and he managed to get pinched on the hinge side. We all watched his agonizing last moment before he died. I will never forget it. to this day it makes me sad. My sister, the animal lover extreme, has felt horribly about it her whole life. But this was one of many difficult life lessons. Yes its with you forever. But aren't our experience what shape us? Aren't the difficult experiences the most powerful in shaping us? We learn to cope, forgive ourselves, be thoughtful, think about consequences, learn the inevitability of accidents, and grieve. I don't judge you for wanting to shelter, I'd be tempted to do the same. But this also has the opportunity to teach your daughter that actions, even seemingly innocent ones, can have huge effects. This is not about laying on guilt. This is an opportunity to help teach your children to grieve, to forgive mistakes in self and others, to deal with difficulty. No she'll never forget it or forget the guilt and bad feelings. But it will help to shape her character. It will help her learn to move on, overcome negative feelings, and be thoughtful in her actions.

Your kids, ALREADY made the connection between the dough and their dog dying.
So why.... make up another reason for his death?
Just be honest.
Meaning, not saying YOU KILLED THE DOG. But saying "yes, the dough was not good for the dog, and he died from eating it. The dog didn't know and we didn't know either, that it was toxic."

And if they feel bad, that is a normal, reaction.
So then you address that.process.of.it.

My son, about 2 weeks ago, found a fledgling bird outside on our lawn. We couldn't find its nest or the parents. He knows how to care for baby birds, because we have a bird already that he helped me with and he is very caring and good with pets. We let him keep it. I got a bird cage for it. He got very attached to it. He cared for it night and day. The bird, died. He was sad. I told him it was not his fault, nor ours. We tried out best, we do not know everything or the why's as to why his birdy died. But we loved him. My son cried. I let him cry. I let him say his feelings. I didn't try to "convince" him to be happy. I let him, process it. He felt bad... thought it may be his "fault." I told him it is not his fault. And he is fine.
My son is only 6 years old.

In a gentle way you should always be honest. Children can handle a lot more than we give them credit for.

My husband just recently found out it was his mother that ran over the family cat when he was a child. He once again is pissed that his mother lied to him about something. He says all of the time.. "She must really think I am stupid".. "She was always trying to keep information from me, because she did not think I could handle it. " This is because apparently his sister, who is younger , knows all of these secrets.. but they kept them from my husband???

The dogs death.. was a total accident. The dog was being the dog..

Our cat was hit by a car, because she dashed out of the house, even though we always tried to keep her inside. (She was 14 years old.) And then dashed in front of a car..

We were all devastated, but also a little pissed at the stupid cat. She just could not be controlled. because she was a cat.. she was an animal..

The DOG ate the playdo.. the kids did not feed it to him.. It happens, and then we learn from this and are more careful in the future. This is why we do not put things in our own mouths that do not belong there.

The kids need to know that it was the dough that killed the dog. And at six and nine, THEY should be repsonsible for putting things away after they play with them, NOT you. Let them klnow that you understand that it was not an intentional attempt to hasrm the dog, but carelesness has consequences, often painful ones. If nothing else, they will be more diligent about putting things away so that the next pet doesn't eat them.

Grief is not a bad thing. It is a natural, normal response to loss, and loss is a part of life. Let them grieve in their own way.

I'm sure the "right" thing to do is tell them the truth, but I'd probably sugar coat it too. I'd say the dough wasn't good for him, but that he was sick inside already, or something like that. I know how my almost six year olds react to things and they would feel horrible guilt over this, even if like you, I didn't think it was their fault.

I'm with you. If they loved this dog, 6 and 9 is too young to bear guilt. I would likely go with a kind of middle ground like you did. The dough wasn't good for him but a younger dog could have tolerated it. The vet said he had other stomach issues too. Emphasize he had a good life. When I was in college, we lived in an area we could let our dog loose but weren't REALLY supposed to... He was getting older and had already been out that night but I let him out again. He fell in someone's pool and drowned. Technically it was my fault. But to be honest, I chose to not feel guilty but tell myself he was out having fun and he was getting old enough we have had to put him down in the next couple of years and dogs typically are going to die before we do. He had a good life. That's what I'd keep emphasizing to your kids. It doesn't matter so much how he died. Lots of things contributed. It happens with older dogs. Likely they'll figure the dough thing out more in a few years, particularly your 9 year old. I'd want their minds focused on the good. And I'd also remind them that we have to be careful but accidents happen with pets. Main thing is to make sure the pets have a good life. I'm sorry for your loss. I try to be honest to prepare my kids that our dog will likely (and hopefully) die before us... I dread the day it happens though.

ETA: interesting to read other opinions so I'm going to edit that maybe it depends on the kid... My older one isn't as sensitive and while she'd be upset at the idea it was her fault, it might not traumatize her. My younger one is 7 and hyper sensitive and focused on being "good" plus in love with our dog that I think it really would be best to shield her at this age. In a few years if it's such a big deal to have lied to kids, then I'd tell her the truth. I really don't know if she'd have the maturity to carry the guilt right now. So maybe it depends on your kids. This also wasn't a split second accident so the guilt is going to be heavier.

I'd just tell them the truth.

I would fess up to them that the dough killed him but that it was an accident and sometimes accidents happen. It was no one person's fault. It's a hard lesson to learn sometimes, though. Simple truth is better, so they know not to do it again. Like when my parents gave away our dog, they claimed it was temporary but really it was forever. I never got to say good bye (I was in college) and to this day I wish they'd been honest.

Or, better example. I was playing with our guinea pigs and they got under a chair with a particular rocker base. I lifted the chair and put it back down and one got caught without us knowing. It was horrifying to understand I'd killed the pig (by accident, it was a baby and very small) but I never ever ever did that again and my mom felt that the death of the pig was lesson enough. I couldn't have been older than 9.

I'd tell them the truth.

You're not going to be able to completely take away the guilt of the child who left out the sculpture, but you can rightfully share it, thus providing empathy to your child as well as learning and growing experiences. You can say that you own some of the guilt for the silly dog eating the sculpture, "Mom and dad never did train him not to eat things he shouldn't eat. He ate it because he didn't know better."

Yes, the salt sculpture should have been put away, but the dog should have also been better trained.

I don't say that to make you feel bad AT ALL. I really do sympathize with your terrible loss. I just figure it might be a tool to use with your kiddo, so you can truthfully share the situation and grieve in a healthy way.

Oh this is hard!
I think they need to know the truth, but SHARE the burden with them. Let them know as the adult it was YOUR fault, because you should have told them to keep it away from the dog, but you didn't know it was bad for him. Take the blame but give them the facts.
What if you didn't tell them and it happened again, with the next dog?
I'm so, so sorry :-(

Why lie to your kids? Explain that it was something that no one knew would hurt him like this. Explain that it was an accident and that you all have learned a lesson from this and deal with it as a family, see a couselor if needed, but I think you are setting yourselves up for a major parenting FAIL if you lie about this.

I am very sorry for your loss. However, I am leaning toward the side of telling the kids the truth but sharing the responsibility with them. Yes, the dog died because he ate the play dough and it made him very sick. They have already made that connection. It should not have been left out and everyone needs to do their part to try to prevent accidents from happening. Sometimes I see pets that have had a small child put a rubber band or some other elastic around their neck, or a leg or their tail, and not realize how much that can hurt them. The parents don't notice anything until the pet gets a wound in the skin from the elastic cutting into it and it's infected and gets a bad odor. I know the kids don't mean any harm, they really don't know what can happen, but that doesn't mean they shouldn't have it pointed out to them why doing something like that is wrong. I also see dogs and cats that get sick or need surgery because they ate some part of a kid's toy, or socks, or whatever, because the kids leave them laying around. Sometimes it ends up driving the point home better to the kids to keep their stuff picked up, rather than parents always nagging them. Guilt doesn't have to be a bad thing - if you've done something wrong, you SHOULD feel guilty to some degree...otherwise you have no motivation to make amends or do better next time.

It's a very tough lesson to have to learn, but I also see teens and young adults that have never learned the hard way what happens when you don't take responsibility for your actions and don't learn any consequences. If it really starts impacting them in a negative way, they may need counseling, and I really hope it does not come to that. But I don't see where not telling them the truth is really doing them any favors either. I would probably say it's all in the delivery.

I dont think there is any reason why they need to carry the burden of the "truth" here. I too believe strongly in being honest with my children. However I would not want my kids burdened with thinking they killed the dog either! Especially the 6 year old - I am not sure he would be mature enough to process that emotionally, so perhaps I would tell them if they were like 9 and 12. But they are not, so I would have done the exact same thing you did. I also like Lillym's resonse below - "the dough was not good for the dog, but the dog was already old and sick" or whatever, assuming that is "sort of" the case that he was old.

Regarding grief, I think it is important for them to talk about the dog, and remember the dog, and have an opportunity to talk and ask questions about death. Maybe they can help you put together a small "memorial service" for the dog for just your household (like everyone writes a letter or draws a picture and you all get together to talk about your favorite memory). Also, maybe they would both like to have their very own framed pic of the dog to keep in their rooms.

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a pet can be very h*** o* a family.

I agree with Imamomma. If the kids have made the connection already, you need to tell them. You don't want them seeing through your lie. They're going to feel the guilt/blame regardless. It was an accident. A very sad one, but one none the less. My kids are 7 and 11 and I would definitely tell them the truth. My youngest would also be smart enough to make the connection rather quickly.

And, I'm very sorry for your loss.

First, I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine how hard this is for all of you.

I am shocked at how many people would tell they kids the whole truth. No way. They are 6 and 9- way too young to bear this burden. If nothing else, they are not developmentally ready to process that information. Not to get all psychology nerd here, but they think in an operationally concrete way. This means that they can't quite get the nuance of the situation and think in an abstract way. They can't ultimately accept that the dog ate the dough, they didn't feed it to him. And that it was an accident, etc. They just can't handle this information at this age.

I think you did an amazing job with your kids. You didn't just lie, you did tell them that the dough was not good for him. But you framed it in a way that leaves an additional step that was not their fault- his age. I would have done the same thing. You did not miss a teachable moment. The dog has passed away, I think they get it. Good for you for softening the blow for them.

There are lots of good kids books on the loss of a pet that you could get from the library and read together a few times. This will also help them process things and heal.

Another idea is to have them draw pictures of the dog, ask them to draw the dog and include what they loved most about him. Or you could have them draw pictures for the dog and send them to heaven. When our cat died my daughter was 8. We all wrote notes or drew pictures to send to her in heaven. We tied them to balloons and let them go (though we found out you might need two balloons- the paper weighed one down!!). It was very healing for all of us, and helped my daughter express what she was feeling through drawing. Just a thought- something ceremonial like that can help. Or plant a tree or something?

I hope you all heal and are able to remember how much your dog was loved and the sweet memories, not the sad end. And again, I think you did just the right thing. Good job, mama.

I haven't read any answers yet, so sorry if this is a repeat.
I would tell the truth. The dog died from eating the salt dough. It was an accident. There is no need to place blame. No one knew the dog would eat it, not that it was toxic. That is why it is an accident. I think kids an handle way more than we give them credit for, and you could be allowing them a really important growing experience.

I'm so sorry :(
I would be honest and talk to them at their age level...

Oh, I am so sorry! My opinion is that if they have made the connection, they know what's going on and will someday be grateful and laugh that you did not blame them. They are KIDS. A friend of mine was eight months pregnant when her five year old jumped on her to give her a hug, and the baby died. Never in a million years would you tell a kid, "you killed your brother, but you didn't know better, so lets share this burden..." I think you did the right thing, Mama.