Absent Father

My daughter never knew her father. He was violent and there was no way I was letting him near her. I have always told her the truth, in varying degrees as I felt she was ready for it. When she was young I just told her that he wasn't nice to me and I didn't want him to be not nice to her, over the years as she was ready for it, she got more information. He died when she was 10, and because he was never part of her life, she wasn't bothered about it. I just felt safer. She is almost 15 now, well adjusted, smart and has no problems due to him not being around. You don't say how old your son is, but trust me, you don't want to lie AT ALL to him. He will eventually find out the truth and then he has no dad, and a mother that betrayed him. He deserves the truth as painful as it is.

7 moms found this helpful

Just tell him there are all kinds of dads in the world. Some that live with the moms and kids, some that live apart from the moms and kids, some are around a lot (like grandpa) and some aren't. Like a lot of boys and girls, he just happens to have a father that isn't around and there is nothing wrong with that. Tell him that you are a very, very special and lucky mom in that you get to be both mom and dad for now.
Make it as positive as you can without degrading his father. One day he may see the light and want to be a part of his life. If not, he has you- the greatest mom in the world!

7 moms found this helpful

My father wanted nothing to do with me. In fact, he divorced my mother upon learning of the pregnancy. Nice, huh? Anyway, the point is, my mom didn't lie to me. She gave me age-appropriate information as I asked for it.

I was blessed with an amazing Dad who my mom met when I was 6 months old, married when I was 4 years old, and he adopted me legally just before I started kindergarten. He has been my dad my entire life.

My natural father died several years ago never having taken the chance to attempt to get to know me. He is the only person who missed out on that, not me. I'm a pretty fantastic chick, no thanks to him, and he didn't deserve to know me.

I get the added bonus of being able to joke about it & tell people that I'm the only Italian in my family & it's completely true!

5 moms found this helpful

Lying to your son about his father will ruin your relationship with him. Always tell him the truth but keep thing age appropriate. Don't lie to your son ever. Your son hasn't expressed he is missing anything so don't project your bad feelings onto him.

What is the truth? You only know your side of the story because you haven't spoken with his father to get his side. The truth may be you don't know where his father is if you really don't know and that may be just enough. Don't add any of your own thoughts to this matter because it will backfire. His father couldn't have been all bad because that would speak to your judgement and decision making processes.

The best thing for you to do is to deal with your own hangups before you pass them onto your son. I've been there and done that. Now my son is 16 and does have a relationship with his father separate from me which is great. His father isn't perfect by any means but my son does have a certain level of understanding of his father's short comings. I have tried not to influence his thoughts of his father because I know my son gets his identity from both of us.

Be very careful to be honest but age appropriate with you son always.

5 moms found this helpful

don't lie. just make the truth work. My daughter's father has only seen her once - he has no interest. I have told my daughter (she's 9 now), that we got divorced and he doesn't see her because he never learned how to take care of himself, let alone other people. He loves her in his own way but he doesn't know how to be a dad.
she's been OK with that.
good luck!

4 moms found this helpful

I would tell him the truth when the time comes. That when you found out you were pregnant that he wasn't ready for a family and you were. Short and simple.

What does he look like? - show him a picture
What is his job? - he is or was a soldier in the Army
Where is he now? - he lives ...

Oh, but if he is in the military, your child has certain rights and benefits as the child of a service member that you need to look in to. This may require a paternity test, but that can only benefit your child.

3 moms found this helpful

As hard as it is, you need to tell him the truth - that is best for him. You can't control what his Dad did or didn't do, but you can set a good example for him about being honest and supportive. Just tell him his Dad didn't know how to handle being a Dad and made a bad choice not to even try, and he's missed out on knowing the most wonderful boy in the world...

3 moms found this helpful

Please, please, please, do NOT lie to your son. It may feel easier now, and may even feel like the best thing to do in the long run, but it's not. Honesty, age appropriate honesty, is always the best policy. If he asks about his dad, tell him what you know, and what he can understand for whatever his age is. I LOVE what MamaDuck P said below about how to explain to your son about different kinds of dads. Trust me, he won't grow up being the only kid in his class without a dad around.

2 moms found this helpful

Don't lie to your son. That would not be a kind or loving thing to do to him. Notice I said "to him" and not "for him."

When he does ask you questions you can be honest, but keep your answers short, simple, and age appropriate. Your child does not deserve to be lied to, just as he didn't not deserve to be abandoned. You can make sure that he knows you love him and that all of the people in his life are positive influences for him. You can make sure that his "father" is at the very least having his wages garnished for child support. You can just be as loving a mother as he deserves. But that means accepting the circumstances as they are and moving forward to make the best of things. Don't feel sorry for your son. Don't ever give him a reason to feel sorry for himself.

2 moms found this helpful

Lying is never the answer. This is not a little white lie but a life-altering lie. So don't do it. The truth hurts - but it's better to deal with it. And who knows, maybe one day dad will come around. If you lie, you will be the bad guy. And you don't want or deserve that.

You don't mention how old your son is. But wait until he asks questions and then only tell him enough truth to answer the question.

Good luck.

2 moms found this helpful

Don't lie, your son will figure out the truth eventually and your lie will hurt him deeply. People lie to protect themselves not the person they are lying to.

The truth will always do the least damage in the long run. Tell him the truth that his dad wasn't ready to be a father. That has nothing to do with your son, only his father's failings. After all he wasn't even born yet, how can it be about your son and who he is?

1 mom found this helpful

I have related lots of things to my son in "GOD" terms. And tell him that GOD hasn't found the right father for him yet. Definitly no lies, they can come back to bite you in the long run. Someday this donor may decide he wants to participate, and legally, he has that right. As well, I wouldn't be so honest as to say- your dad wasn't ready to be a father. If your son asks why his dad isn't around, tell him simply, "I don't know son, maybe one day you will be able to ask him that yourself."

1 mom found this helpful

Please, do not lie, as time passes things will happen, good or bad and he will find out the truth and then on top of the hurt of knowing that his father did not care for him... his mother lied to him.

Such a painful and difficult situation! I am so sorry!

Whenever your son ask, try to give an age appropiate response, with all the love you can, avoiding the words.. he did not want you or he did not love you.... just say things like, he chose not to be around. I don't know where he is (if that is truth). Always make it clear that is the grown ups decision and that decision is not his fault... and hug him and love him more and tell him that you have extra love to cover for both.

You will always have the trust, respect and appreciation, no matter what age and what year... of your son, for not lying to him.

There are things, and pains that we will not be able to avoid for our kids, even trying very hard, but we can be there to hug and console them and embrace them in all our love.

1 mom found this helpful

I did not lie to my daughter about her father. He was not in her life until she was 14. He didn't want to be a dad either at the time. What's wrong with just telling him that his dad is in the army. You don't have to tell him that his dad doesn't want him. If you lie to him and he finds out then that will be two parents he feels he can't trust. When he is old enough you can help him find his dad so he can ask his dad the tough questions.

I am NO expert on this subject but it just seems to me the truth, or a form of the truth, would be better. You want your son to trust YOU, so I would not want to give him a reason not to. Your situation will be hard for him in some ways, but I don't see how a lie would help. We all have "struggles" in life. Help him with his, don't run from them...... would be my gut advice.

I found this one article that may give you some ideas:
http://singleparents.about.com/od/communicatingwiththekid...

Even though you're trying to protect him, please do not lie to him. It will only cause him to resent you someday for not being honest. Tell him the truth, but only as much as he needs to know. Just say that some dads are not close to their kids and that it is sad.

Everyone else said it already, but I'll say it again. Don't lie. Don't even "gloss over" the truth. Just tell him the bits of truth that he is old enough to hear. When my daughter was younger, I told her that her biological father (I never called him her dad, because as far as I'm concerned, "dad" is a relational term) had some personal problems including some health problems, and wasn't able to be in our lives. When he did ultimately communicate with us and started causing some problems, I told my daughter what he was doing (for example, he refused to sign adoption papers when my husband and I were married, unless I signed off on child support arrearages; also, he threatened to sue for custody at one point despite having met her only once because he didn't want to pay child support). So, my daughter who is now 13 knows what kind of person he is, and she's ok with it.

Don't worry, your son will be fine. When you say, "I know how much hurt it will cause him", I think you're projecting your own feelings on your son. You say you had a great father, so really, you don't know what your son will experience, and I assure you, it won't be as bad as you seem to think.

Please do not lie to your child. He deserves to know the truth about his father. My mother tried to hide the truth from me and it only made me angry and resentful of her just as much as my father. She made me feel like I didn't deserve to know who I am and where I came from. When I was a single parent I made every effort to be honest with my oldest son. I waited until he started to ask questions and then I told him the truth in an age appropriate fashion. I explained to him that his father was not ready to be a dad when he was born but he wanted to be a part of his life now. I told him that I and his stepdad loved him very much and that he could always depend on me being there. My son has been given the opportunity to make his own choices and form his own opinions about his father based on the truth and his own experiences.

My only thoughts -

Don't lie about details about his father because it will only reflect on you later when he learns the truth.

Don't tell him his father doesn't want to be a father. It may or may not be true, it may be that he just can't be a father yet, it may be issues for him that are getting in the way of him being able to be a father.

Telling him his father doesn't want to be a father will be taken personally by a child regardless of what else we tell them because they can't understand the other factors and, because, it is personal. It also makes it sound like a choice, and knowing some of the demons people have and struggle with, it might be less of a choice for your child's father then it might simply seem to you and I.

I like what Shari S. put in her reply - "I don't know son, maybe one day you will be able to ask him". Truthful, simple and direct.

Good luck.
D.

When we lie to our children, we teach them to lie to us. Would you want your son lying over important things? Honesty is important in any relationship, especially between a mother and her children and a wife and husband. We teach our children morals by showing them. I agree with the rest, never lie to your child.

Good Lord mom DO NOT lie to your child!! Just don't.

Tell him that parenting is a big responsibility and that not everyone who helps to make a baby is ready to be a parent. His birth father wasn't ready to be a parent to him. Then focus on all the good family relationships you do have (...but luckily we have each other and grandma and grandpa, etc.).

Your son will, for better or worse, be a part of the majority of kids who does not grow up with both parents. He'll have plenty of friends in the same or other similar situations. The hurt you're imagining will happen only if you continue to beat yourself up over this and mourn for the loss that you're imagining. YOUR SON doesn't know any different. His normal will be to have you and your family. Yes he'll ask questions. Yes he'll probably wonder about his birth father and why he isn't there. Yes he will probably grapple with this a bit when he gets older, wondering how a man can walk away from a child, but he won't feel this in childhood and how he processes this as an adolescent or teen or young adult will depend on how you handle it.

So don't lie, and stop getting worked up. It is what it is, and your son will be just fine. If you meet someone who is worthy of being a step-father to your son, you cross that bridge when you get there. But again, don't lie. Don't make him out the be some missing hero. Don't let your son fantasize that he's away for a reason and would be there if he could and might come back. You don't have to slam him either - just say he wasn't ready for the responsibility and the hard truth will reveal itself as your son gets older and starts to really understand responsibility and relationships.

I say tell him the truth as well. No matter what, his father is not going to be in the picture. How long would you be able to keep up the lie that he's deployed? Not very long. He has a right to know. I agree with the other ladies, just tell him you were ready & he wasn't. You don't have to go into any more detail than that.
Do not make his father out to be a monster either. Share your good thoughts, pictures and whatever else he might want to know someday.
It's sad but happens.

Good luck!

My kids have an absent grandfather (my dad). They ask about him every now and then and I tell them that he isn't a nice person, some people aren't nice like your daddy is. I told them that he wasn't nice to me and that he wasn't nice to their grandmother and that I hope he is doing well, but I never know about him because he doesn't talk to me.

I didn't get into the awful details of how he severely abused us when we were living with him- that isn't necessary for them to know- unless they want to know more and why and they are older teens or adults.

So, my father was a jerk and I'm better off without him. I didn't have a good male role model growing up either:( I'm glad I still had a good head on my shoulders despite that, and didn't make any big mistake because of that. It is fantastic that your son has that support system. He should be fine.

While usually with the best of intentions, i.e., to protect him from being hurt, lying will almost always back fire. If he ever discovers the truth, it will only hurt more, and perhaps create a certain level of mistrust from the one the lie came from - you. You can tell him that at the time, his father wasn't ready to be a dad and made the choice not to be involved -- that is on him! It is not yours or, more importantly, your son's fault! Please do not lie to him. Tell him the truth and preface it by saying that he has wonderful male role models in his life and there is nothing he did to cause his father to not be involved. This is a perfect opportunity to teach your son about how the choices we make affect others and how to handle responsibility. It may also be helpful to have one of the male figures in his life have this conversation with you. Best of luck!