Stero Typing Mom's

When in doubt I always assume the adult is the mother or father, rather than the grandparent. I would rather flatter than offend.

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I'm 41; earlier this year I had my one and only "grandma" comment, waiting on line with my son to return an item, an older gentleman told me I had a "fine looking grandson". The gentleman was returning heating pads and might have been smiling at me a bit much, so I chalk it up to his perhaps trying to minimize our age differences so he could maybe chat me up. I gently said, "Oh, no, he's mine--I'm not the grandma" and smiled back. I thought it was funny-- I wear vintage granny glasses, but also usually pigtails, and we wear our wedding bands on our right hands (mutual 'comfort' agreement, husband and I) so I am sure that guy had no clear idea of my age.

I love my gray hairs and my emerging wrinkles, by the way. Many are smile lines.:) Kiddo's brought a lot of joy... Overall, I just try to focus on the compliment that the guy was trying to give. Life's too short...(and I also remember the line in the 40 Year Old Virgin about how Steve Carell's character is dating " a hot granny". HA!)

...and I thought this post was going to be about soccer moms in yoga pants, LOL.:)

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I am SO SO careful when I see on "older" mom with children. I can't tell!! So, I just say, "oh what a cute baby" and then the mom either says thanks or the grandma says, I know! he's my grandson.
(as a side note...my mother became a grandmother at 45 when I had my first son)
Laura

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oh, the myriad ways people can put their feet in their faces.......
and yet look at what they're actually doing (in addition to making assumptions about you.) they're complimenting your little one. they're trying to be nice. they're reaching out to you in a positive fashion, even if it backfires.
and while they are clumsy and somewhat clueless, you are awfully touchy, hon. you will never get everyone to think before they speak. but you can work on developing a sense of humor about it. a light laugh and a 'ancient though i appear, i'm actually his mother!' will give a little edge to it that will probably gratify you without being horrid to the poor well-meaning doofuses. most likely they'll flush, apologize and hurry away.
or you could just be genuinely gracious about it.
what you need to realize is that older mothers are not 'dismissed' even if they are misidentified at times. and with many women choosing to put off childbearing until later years, soon you'll be no more unusual than SAHDs are now.
in the meantime, roll your eyes inwardly, paste on a determined smile, enjoy your precious baby, and lighten up just a little.
khairete
S.

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Here, it seems like most people have their kids in their 20's mostly and seem to start young. So, if you lived here, I could see that scenario playing out a lot.

Also, based on societal norms, it's not that crazy to assume someone who appears to be in their 40's, IS the grandparent. I don't think people are trying to be mean. They're paying a compliment to your son, and you know you're his mom & that you're a good mom, so who cares? People often forget to think before they speak. The beauty is that YOU get to choose how you feel & react to it.

At the end of the day, when you make a choice that is unconventional, I think you need to be prepared for the extra, albeit unfortunate, scrutiny you'll receive. It's not right, but that's just the way it is.

6 moms found this helpful

I think most people generally do assume "mom" before they think "grandmother." I'm mid-40s with a 4 yr old child, and I've never had anyone refer to me as her grandmother.

For the first year after becoming a mom, I looked about 100 years old, though, due to lack of sleep, throwing on whatever, skipping make-up, etc. I needed to start taking a bit more time for me or I probably would've started being referred to as great-grandma. I do not mean for this to be unkind at all, but are you going out looking older than your years due to lack of sleep, throwing on whatever, skipping make-up, etc? If so, that can be contributing to the assumption. If not, just smile and say, "I'm mom....we were blessed later in life" and go on.

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Change it up.

Laugh when people say that, and, correct them if you like.

Let these remarks fall off you like water dripping into the ground. All gone!

If you are comfortable with where you are in life then it's okay. These folks aren't being malicious, just ignorant. We've all been ignorant on occasion. LOL!

I believe as soon as you can laugh at them it will annoy you less.

6 moms found this helpful

Hun, they are thinking before they open their mouths. The *fact* is most forty somethings with small children are grandparents.

They say grandchild because most of the moms are the child's grandma and are very proud of that.

Sorry but this is part and parcel with being an outlier. I used to get the two dads comment because there is nine years between my middle two kids. I didn't get upset because in most cases it is a second marriage that causes that long a gap.

You may actually want to look inward and consider why this upsets you. Consider why you are thinking this means you are being dismissed as a mother. After all those are your issues, not the people commenting on your child.

I just want to add after reading some of the comments, my kids have been capable of making me a grandma for over ten years and I am 44.

JC, may I stereotype you? You are twenty something? Yeah, when I asked my classmates in econ three years ago how old they thought I was they said late 20s early 30s. You guys suck at picking ages because I was 41 at the time. Sorry but those you think are in their 40s are probably closer to 60. :-/

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I became a mother even older than you. Fortunately, no grandma comments yet (maybe it's because there are lots of older parents at my kid's school and where I live), but I've heard other people put their foot in their mouth when talking to others about their "grandkids" which are their kids.

The best way to handle it is to say, "actually he's my son, but thank you anyway". It lets people know that they shouldn't make assumptions in a nice way.

6 moms found this helpful

I'm sorry, that is really strange - I wouldn't expect that in Salinas, either! I live in SF, am 34 and know plenty of moms your age or older. I have a cousin who is 47 and has a 6 month old. She can retire at 50 - sounds like a pretty good deal, if you ask me! Its the new, "are you pregnant?" of parenting faux pas.

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I have a very gracious friend that had a second set of children with her second, much younger husband.

This happened with her a lot, she was very patient and said, "I am proud to say these are my children, thank you, I am very blessed."

Most people then realized their mistake, but usually just congratulated her.
I guess she had nothing to prove. Just enjoying the compliment that her children were so wonderful.

I was in awe of her, and you. At 44, I did not have the energy to chase a toddler around. You go girl!

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It goes the other way too! When I was 18 my dad had another baby... Anytime I went ANYWHERE with them, people would assume my younger brother was mine; and that my dad was either my much older husband, or my brother's grandpa.

We had a few awkward moments going out in public. lol!

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Around here, most moms are in their 40's when they have their first baby.

My mum was constantly told what a cute son she had (her grandson), meanwhile people kept assuming I was the nanny. (To the point of handing out their business cards trying to 'poach' me away from the family I was 'working for').

4 moms found this helpful

I had my 3rd at 43. LOVE being an older mom. I'm really hoping not to let my son hear those comments, ever. So far I havent heard the grandmom comments, there are a lot of older moms now a days. And my hair dresser keeps the gray out of my hair with highlights!

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That would drive me nuts. Things are changing, women are actually trying to build lives before having children, you deserve respect not assumptions.

On a lighter note, I had somewhat the opposite happen... I was visiting my dad and we had my boys with us. We were at a park and another parent was talking to my son, pointing at my dad, saying "I think your Daddy wants you!" EWWWWWWW!!!!!!! LOL...but my dad is in great shape and looks younger than he is by a good 10-15 years. Which would put him looking around 45-50.

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Well you are mature enough to realize that you are old enough to be the grandmother, and your age group is a minority where mommyhood is concerned (surely you arent expecting to become a protected class are you?). I'd have more fun smiling and telling them that he is in fact YOUR child and watching their embarrassed moment.
Get used to it because it's gonna follow you for a long, long while Mom.
I know when I see older women with little kids I always assume she's the grandmother. If I comment, I would say "cute kid" or something like that... then she would say "thanks".... but I would still wonder in my mind if she was the mom or the grandma. Why leave people wondering?

3 moms found this helpful

I just have to throw in that I am a 46 year old mommy to a 4 year old, and am about to become a grandma - so I'm not sure what people will end up thinking. Probably what they do now - whoever they see with my daughter is her mom - either me or my daughter-in-law (or my daughter). Mostly I expect people to think that they are siblings, and again, whoever is there is the parent. If they see all of us together, maybe that they are siblings and there's one mom (probably my daughter-in-law) - certainly they won't expect the truth!

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My aunt was the youngest of 5 and her mother was often mistaken for her grandmother. This really embarrassed my aunt.
My friend had a baby last year at 44 and no one would ever think she is the grandmother. She is thin, colors her hair and wears stylish clothing. Compared to others in their 40's she looks very young.
I don't mean to offend you or anyone else but many 40 year olds really do let themselves go which unnecessarily ages them. I don't know you or what you look like but do you look the best you can look? I am afraid these kind of comments could be an ongoing problem for you and I am thinking it is because of your appearance. I sincerely hope this doesn't sound mean because that is not my intention. (I am 43 and am regularly mistaken for being the sister of my 14 yo. This just started happening a couple months ago after I lost weight.)
Edit- Nope...not twenty something. I am 43 and unfortunately feel it although I do try not to look it but obviously the signs are there. I also walk up and down steps like I am 80 something because of severe arthritis in my knees. The people who think I look young are always much older than me so being 40 something is young relatively speaking. I love the comments but chalk it up to them needing their glasses prescription strengthened:). There is no chance anyone would ever card me that is for sure. LOL

Dana - not sure what you mean. Did you misread my post? Most of my friends are around my age (in there 40's) and look fabulous. I do know people in there 40s however that age themselves by letting the grays come in, having outdated hair styles and wearing what I would consider outdated clothing such as tapered leg, high waist pants. All these factor age woman beyond their years IMHO:)

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Where I am there are not too many moms in their 20's. Most ofl the moms at my kids school are in our 30's and 40's, and I think when a mom in her 20's come along everyone is thinking "knocked up".

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That is strange. I am 47 with a 6 year old and as far as I know no one has ever assumed I was anything but his mom. I am as likely to assume a woman in her teens or early 20s is the nanny as guess she is the mom.

ETA: @JC - uhm, really? Women in their 40s are stylish, many are thin, wear nice clothes and many do not actually have enough gray hair to color. I suspect the women you think look 40 are probably closer to 60.

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It's the area where you live. When I lived in NYC, everyone I knew began trying for their first child near 40. Lots of parents have gray hair and character lines. People know better than to assume an older adult with a child is a grandparent. Where we live NOW, in rural PA, the opposite is true, and most people have kids in their 20's (or teens to be honest), so whenever I see someone my age with little kids at the park etc, I'll often find out they ARE the grandparent when I compliment their child and they say it's their grandchild. In the college town near-by however, lots of the college professors are older parents who can afford more things, use the expensive day cares, etc, so people don't assume they are grandparents in that setting.
Try not to let it bug you-sounds like bad manners on their part to even address your age!

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I would just take the opportunity to brag that I had my first baby in my 40's! That's quite an accomplishment!

My mom and dad used to have the opposite problem with their grand-kids - people thought they were the parents. They had us young and we had our kids relatively young.

I'm surprised people are doing that in CA! Don't many Californians wait until later, or am I just stereotyping too?

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Pfffft...people are butt heads! LOL

I had mine at 39 and he's 9 now and I've had that happen ONCE (while with my husband--he's prematurely grey--in Wal Mart--where I asuume 18 year old mothers of 3 are the norm!). Lemme assure you, THAT particular person will likely NOT make that mistake again with anyone else! haha

Ah! "Think before you speak"!? What a wonderful universal concept! Too bad people don't "get" it!

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It is more common to have children in your 20's and 30's, that is a fact. In some cultures, it is even ok to have kids in late teens. I never assume anyone is a grandma because I don't want things to be awkward. People can be so dumb and really stuck in their own heads.

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As offensive as that is to you, perhaps you should remind yourself that they are giving you a compliment about the baby, not trying to insult you. Yes, people sometimes speak without thinking, and if you think hard enough, you might be able to think of a time you did as well. But when someone thinks I'm older than I am, I take a look in the mirror and see why that is. I'm 43, so I understand what this age can do to us. I don't wear makeup often, only started tinting my hair this past January, and don't ever plan on plastic surgery. But I'm nowhere close to being a grandmother and don't plan to be or to look like one for quite some time!

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My mom had my sister when she was 38 and I was 9. As I got older, people would assume that she was the grandmother of my sister and I was the mother of my sister. And I look younger than I am, so for people to think I had a child was way off. When my son was born, my sister and I took a trip and people thought she was the mother. They are just trying to be nice, so I wouldn't take offense to it. It's a compliment, they aren't trying to dismiss you as a mother. And by the way, if they are assuming you are a grandmother, that means you were already a mother. You can correct them if you want, but I'd just say thanks and move on.

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This is surprising since more and more people are delaying having kids until later in life these days.

But having said that, I sometimes see a mom and wonder if she's the mom or grandma, but I would certainly never assume and make a comment like that. People have no common courtesy these days. Just saying "Oh, isn't he cute?" is sufficient!

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I think its great you have a son at 44! :) I think more people are starting to have children as they get older. Its sad people assume you are a grandma already!!!! That is crazy. I have many friends who are having children in their late 30s. Nothing wrong with it. I think most of us are more comfortable with who we are, our jobs, and financially stable in our 30's. I know my boyfriend and I don't want to have kids for another 5+ years! Long time from now...but that's just how it is! You should be very happy for your baby (as I can tell you are!)! People just assume anything they want to. Sad isn't it. :(

I love this post! :)

Thank you for sharing!

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It's a big mistake around here to assume a woman to be a grandmother even if the woman appears to be in her late 50's. There's a woman in town who, when I first met her five years ago, was nearing 60 already with 5 year old twin boys. She planned it that way intentionally so that she'd be done with careers (she'd been a nurse and a cop) and retired when she had children. She's a single mother by choice, having her children by donor.

While there are a lot of younger moms around here, I was a younger mom too when I started having children and most of my friends in this town are actually older than I am by at least 5-10 years (I'm in my late 30's). They still consider me a "younger mom."

I don't take that for granted.

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It could be where you live. It never happened to me in SoCal or Oregon and I'm an older mom. But I met someone yesterday who seemed surprised that I didn't have any grandchildren yet.

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My oldest DD (20) like to take her younger siblings places all of the time. They are 11, 8, 5 and 2 and she is always being told how cute her kids are lol We've decided to buy her a shirt that says "They aren't mine, they are my siblings" with arrows pointed everywhere.

I am 40 and my youngest is 2 and I haven't ran into that yet. I'm sure the day is coming though.

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I admit, I used to be guilty of the same thing until one day I complimented one of our experts on his grandson; turned out it was his son. I have never made that mistake again. Now I just say what a cute little boy or girl and never assume anything about the relationship. I was very embarassed!

My sitter just turned 21 and had my kids at the dentist with her on Thursday. They told her they were so glad she brought her kids in with her! They are mine though and they are 9,. 7, and 5!!

Same as when people used to ask me how old my son was when my daughter was a baby and dressed head to toe in pink.

Or when people look at me with all 3 kids out on my own (which happens a lot) and people smile and tell me how full my hands are.

People are just ignorant sometimes in the comments they make.

Let them roll off your back.

I think it's not meant to insult. People just automatically assume that women in their forties are more likely to be grandmas rather than mothers of young children. My mother went through this with my youngest brother. I am five years older than my husband, and am sometimes mistaken for his mother (I have greyed faster than he has). Just the other day, I made the mistake of referring to a woman as "mom" when I saw her with a young child. She politely told me she is not the mom, but the caregiver. These are all simply honest mistakes that I think we just need to ignore or politely correct.

I always get sick of the comment "wow, you have got your hands full! " its like--what do you want me to say? Yes, I do? Its uncomfortable and weird and not needed. My kids are well-behaved, sweet, and wild full of energy all the time. I love it and I wouldn't change a thing.

I hate those type assumptions. "Why can't people just say what a cute little boy and leave it at that."--Exactly.

Because for some reason people think they have the right to be in the business of total strangers. Drives me up the wall. When my boys were little and people would say nosy things, I'd occasionally make smarta$$ remarks just to have fun. You could tell them that he's your son and if they have the gall to ask how old you are, tell them you're 53 or something, and then walk away while they sit there with their mouths hanging open.

Sorry you are experiencing this...