9 Yr Old Step Son Does Not Care About His Grades or Following Directions

He's had to deal with alot at his age, his parents are no longer together and now there's the addition of you and your children to the family. He may feel that he has no control over anything in his life.

My daughter was very stubborn and disobeyed all the time when she was young. Giving her choices worked wonders with her behaviour. This made her feel like she was in control.

Example:
He asks for a drink...you say:
Would you like it in the green cup or the blue one?
Would you like milk or juice?
Would you like it with a lid or a straw?
Would you like to drink it in the kitchen or the dining room?

Each time you ask a question, it involves a choice of 2 items that you are happy with either choice. At first he may not want to choose what you have offered, so choose for him and ask another question (but stick with your choice), he will quickly learn that if he doesn't choose then you will.

This works with discipline too.
Example:
He disobeys or shows unacceptable behaviour...you say:
That behaviour is unacceptable in our family (or at church, school, etc.) would you rather be grounded from the tv for 2 days or from riding your bike (or whatever it is he enjoys doing). If he refuses to choose, simply repeat the question, however, increase the time. If he still refuses do it again...increase the time and repeat the question. He will eventually learn that if he doesn't choose then the time will continue to increase. And this type of discipline is easier to stick too for you because you can point out that it was their choice (both the behaviour and the punishment).

This worked wonders for your daughter who is now 16 and a well behaved young lady. Many times children just need to feel they have control over their circumstances. Once they learn that you will give them choices even in their discipline they start to take responsibility for their behaviour (or at least display negative behaviour less often because they know what the results will be and that there is noone to blame but themselves, even if they don't want to verbally admit it).

Good luck!!

1 mom found this helpful

Hey T. first thing i think you should do is stop calling him a step the only steps that are in your house should be out side. He probably know that he is a step child so you should always be very careful to show him that extra special love which makes him feel as if he belong i'm sure you do, but go an extra mile for him you will see a difference in his behavior do something with him that only you and he can do if its only going with him to get ice cream makes a world of difference who knows your own children are probably teesing him when you are your husband are not around just make an effort you,ll see

Here are two things I'd do:

Turn off the TV, for good, and get your husband and yourself actively involved in his (and the other kids') education. Ask him about his classes, talk about the things that he does find interesting in them, and get him involved, outside of school/homework hours, in fun ways to explore these things. Instead of TV, model an interest in learning by going to the library and finding some books and areas of interest that you'd like to explore. Get the whole family involved. Make one night a week a library night where everyone can pick out whatever books they want.

Get him into counseling, and get the family involved. When one family member is troubled, it affects the others, and usually signals that there is something bothering others in the family, too. There is a lot going on for kids these days, and blended families, however well adjusted, take some navigating through. It's absolutely to be expected that one or more of the kids would act out in some way as a result.

Good luck!

L.

Do you and your husband have him for two visits a month? Or does he live with you most of the time? Your post was not exactly clear.
I have seen splits that dad took the boys and mom....
He may miss mom or full time contact with his sisters. Kids can get such funny ideas. He might think she doesn't want him....
Does he do this behavior at mom's house?
If he does this all the time with all the adults in his life I have ask has anyone had him seen by a counceler? all of these symptom could be simple depression. After all you haven't been married to dad all that long.
Has he been tested for ADD? (no concentration) How about dislexia. (My 16 year old is very spacy about taking directions and she is extreamly dislexic)

T.,

You did not say if the child lives with you 100% of the time.
If he does or does not, and grounding is what it takes to get him to respond postively, then keep him grounded. Also, tell his mother to do the same when he is at her house. He will eventually get tired and perform as he should. Also, you need to visit the school and find out from the teacher how you can help your son. He might need to be placed in a special class for slow learners. If this is the case, go ahead and sign the paper work to allow special testing. Don't worry about what others might say. He needs the help. He can always be transfered back to the regular class after he has improved.

Have you tried asking him to do things and not letting him do things until it is done. Stay on top of him. Get him to realize that that is what needs to be done. Maybe give him the reward even of getting alone time with dad. I hate that so many kids are put on meds when before they would have been spanked. I don't understand the keep piece statement it sounds like his dad feels the same way as you. Get him involved but don't be ugly about it to the boy. Just explain that everyone else is expected to do it so should he. Say something like "What would happen if I sat down and did not cook supper?" I gave my kids duties that showed if they did not do them. If they do not set the table then we can not eat. If they do not clean the table then we can not eat. By the way if he does not pick it up do not wash it and in a week he will do that better. When he has no clothes. I took my 5 year olds clothes away and made him hand me clothes to get the next item. Shirt for shirt and so forth. Meds should be the last resort!!

T.,

I would take him to counseling, maybe there should be family counseling also, with you and Dad there. Tell him that because you love him, you are not going to let him suffer and you ARE going to find out what is behind his attitude.

This is so hard, and I feel for you. I doubt this little boy understands why he feels the way he does either. It could be a number of things, but I would start at the pediatrician to get a referal to a good child psychologist in your area. I wouldn't jump straight to ADD or ADHD conclusions. It sounds more like depression to me. But I don't have degree!

Good luck. I will be thinking about your family.

Hi T., my grandson has a step brother and two step sister ,one the 2 1/2 yr old is also my granddaughter ,he sometime acts out because he doesn't get enough attention ,he is in kindergarden ,says he gets bad marks if he's bad in school , he get certain color flafs so far he hasn't gotten many maybe one bad flag color i forget what color is what ,but what i'm trying to say is ,if sometime he your step son acts up maybe he feels left out like my Draven does ,he was my first grandchild so i;m very closed to him ,he acts out mostly at home not at my house, becayse he's the only one here , but at he's dad's my son's house and at his mom's and step fathers home ,but you know i may not be the right person to tell you what or how to handle things with your step son ,but i feel he needs more understanding of why he's acting out and why his grades are bad , i wish i could tell you more ,i know Draven my g/s is very specail to me and he feels more loved i think arround his dad and our familly , his mom's loves him but i think he rebels with his step dad, says he ses the belt on him some time ,but i never see any marks so i don't know if he's telling the truth or not , i wish sweetie i could tell u more on what to do ,i'll say a prayer for your little boy that god will watch over him and make him more attendtive at school and with his works there ,God Bless Mrs Frankie Canada 414 w. th st . Lonoke ,AR

My son did the same things till one day I had a talk about when he gets older his wife will want him to clean up after hisself and she wouldnt want to marry a slob.You could try this too.Have a day of you and him time and just tell him you need help and make a game of it.
It will give him time to get to know you one on one and have you a little help too.

Love that little boy and do your best (I know you can't cater to him... you don't have time) to find out what is going on. I have 12 years of educational experience and have worked with children who show a non-caring attitude. There is something behind it, I can almost assure you. It could be a serious something or a minor something. Love him, make sure he knows he is a significant part of your big family, and do not sweat the small stuff. He probably feels like, among so many siblings, he doesn't exist. Love him through this!

1) Have a complete physical to rule out any health or mental health related reasons for his behavior. Many things could cause this -- depression, anxiety, adhd, other disabilities.

2) START BEING POSITIVE... put yourself in HIS place. Could you function with constantly being told that your not living up? That the focus is on everything that you don't do right.

You need to start catching him doing something good. Whatever it is and whether or not it's what YOU want him to do good in. Start with this and build. Give praise. Give meaningful rewards. Rebuild his esteem and show him the JOY of accomplishment that he'll get from knowing that others think he's worthy and helpful.

to learn more google "positive behavior supports" You'll find both "Schoolwide PBS information" and things you can do at home.

You have to find a consequence that means something to him, and stick with it. No nagging, yelling, begging, warnings, or threats. Explain the rules to all the kids, with consequences for not obeying them. Then just follow through.

As far as the school thing, he may end up needing to repeat this year. He has to take responsibility for his own school/learning, and 9 is plenty old enough to do so. Check out John Rosemond. He has a book about "Ending the Homework Hassle". Very good. The library carries many of his books and his website is www.johnrosemond.com. He uses simple, logical, straightforward approaches. Good luck.

Taking him to a counselor or psychologist might help a lot. Also, I don't know if this would help or not, but since the teacher says he's so immature, have you considered holding him back a year? When does his birthday fall? Many, many boys are held back to help their maturity.

This kid has had a lot to deal with, none of it his fault, it sounds like to me. That doesn't excuse him, but explains a lot. He acts like he does not care because he doesn't. His thinking is, "What difference will it make? Life stinks, and I can do nothing about it." You have to emphasize how valuable he is to your family, and that because you love him, you are not going to give up on him, ever. Then keep after him, and don't give up on him. He will fight you every step of the way, to see if you really care enough to outlast him. Then he will finally acknowlege (maybe not til adulthood) that you really care.

My best friend's son was like that too until about a week ago when he went for a check up and she told the doctor about how he was and the doctor tried adhd medication on him and it worked wonders on him and even his teacher in school asked what she had done to make him act so good. He is only 8 years old and he acts like he is a big boy instead of a toddler.

Just an idea from personal experience-- could he possibly have a learning disorder and be compensating, or playing like he doesn't care to cover for his inability?