9 Year Old's Self Esteem

I just want to also recommend the American Girl series. My daughter has benefitted greatly from reading them, and we read them together and talk about the issues in the books. It's a great way to get a conversation going with her that can lead to new insights and sharing. Good for you for noticing and making an effort to help. With people like you in her life, she'll have a much better chance at making it through puberty as a healthy, happy girl!

Many children do start to practice eating disorders at this age. They are picking up stress and cues from people around them. Finding out why she is feeling this pressure and discussing it is more productive than simply reassuring her. There are many possible sources, including some like her mother or other important adult figure that can really have a lasting impression. Unfortunately in our society, women, even little girls, are given continual messages that focus on the importance of their appearance. This little girl is trying to control her environment/her life by controlling her weight. These can be complex issues psychologically, or it may be very simple, like her best friend is very thin, one of the kids at school called her “fat.” So finding out what’s behind it can really be helpful. However, she may not be forthcoming, or she may not understand why she feels this way. Either way, your next step should be in stressing other ways of achieving. Could she be interested in art, music, science, or sports? Having a different focus could be a big help. It would also bolster her self esteem. The other thing to do concerns food. Always convey attitudes about food that emphasize healthy eating as a way to avoid being over weight. If she feels secure, that there is a way to avoid what she fears, she is more likely to eat.

im not sure if this has anything to do with it, but if she is watching shows like top model or even anything on
E! would be pretty bad for her self perception, also fashion magazines that concentrate on looks. it could possibly be the girls she hangs out with, are they smaller than she is? that can do it, even she is already really skinny, if she is hanging out with girls that are smaller than her, she will compare herself to them and not think about the fact that those girls might be younger or shorter and body proportion, etc. ive seen it in my own friends and in myself when i was younger. they say that this sort of thing starts out and gets pretty bad from the prepubescent to pubescent ages.

i hope everything will be okay with her. all she really needs is reassurance from all the adults that she looks up to in her life that she is beautiful just the way she is, and that good nutrition helps that beauty flourish, because skeletons are not the healthy picture of beauty.

show her somehow that there are lots of different kinds of beauty, let her know that she can be her own kind of beautiful!

Jennifer,
I am a fourth grade teacher and have worked with this age group for over a decade. You're right, it is a little early for her to be self conscience, but it's not completely unusual. But what concerns me is the body image issues, which if left unresolved, could lead to bigger problems in the future. First, try to find out where these ideas are coming from. Does she have a friend who may be influencing her? And then, address the issue, either through your own intervention or professional counseling.
I like what the Dove company is doing for women and girls in their campaign for "real beauty" I looked at their website, they have some cute activities, maybe you and mom can check it out and see if something there could work for you. They also have the option for a live chat with a professional.
http://www.campaignforrealbeauty.com/dsef07/t5.aspx?id=7375
Good luck to you and your family.

Gosh the poor girl & so young... Dana gave good points.

Also, food issues can be a sort of a "control" thing with children...where it is also a manifestation of stress and this is their "coping" skill. It's a self-harm thing... although they don't know it.

One important thing... IF AT ANY TIME, you see that this girl is getting "anorexic"... and withering away and emaciated and just plain unhealthy... you HAVE to get her some help... encourage the Mom to find resources for her girl... a support group or take her to the Doctor...

As a side note: the "American Girl" series of books is pretty popular and good... it addresses in cool ways the emotions/feelings/biological changes in girls this age. It's also meant to be a way for Moms and their daughters to communicate, SAFELY with each other, without intimidation. You can find it and the reviews on Amazon.com

The thing is, anorexia can't just be "wished" away or controlled just by a few reassurances... many times it is the tip of the ice-berg.

All the best, at least you are aware of this and want to help... if her health deteriorates, she has to be cared for...

take care,
Susan

I have 3 daughters and 5 neices. I remember my beautiful neice (who is now 25) sitting on the stairs at the age of 3 pinching her thigh. When I asked her what she was doing, she pinched her thigh again to demonstrate how much was between her fingers and said, "Look, Aunt Sherrie. Fat." OH, MY GOODNESS!! She was mimicking what she had seen adults do. Society hasn't gotten any better, either.

I remember being absolutely, paralyzingly sure that I was hideously ugly until I was in my 20s. Looking back at photos I think, oh, my, I was pretty, but I never, EVER felt it.

My daughters are 22, 21 and 10, and even though they're all beautiful, they insist that they're ugly. My youngest has been insisting for a year that she's fat. It makes me crazy, but she's picked it up from her friends and, unfortunately, her sisters. I have never been one of those moms who tells their kids to avoid the dessert or "you'll get fat," I don't get on them about their appearance at all except to make sure they're clean, and instead of finding that to be a good thing, they're sure I'm hopelessly out of tough. They're sure that I should be appearance obsessed, and that I'll "never understand" because I'm not. It's very frustrating.

If you're patient, spend more time talking about her talents and abilities than her weight or looks, and encourage others around her to do the same, she'll eventually leave adolescence and her crippling self consciousness behind. Don't expect it to happen until she's far past her teen years, though! Hang in there.

Sports, keep her busy and her mind occupied. In the mean while, she will have something to be proud of because she did it on her own.

Hi Jennifer....

I know this issue is becoming more common, as hard as it is. The kids these days are under so much peer pressure and bullying is not just taking your lunch money any more... alot has to do with words.
Maybe you can find out who is influencing these ideas, friends, so called friends, the popular kids... and start working from there and express how important it is NOT to be someone else for people who really dont matter in the long run. Or let other people have control over her feelings. TRUE FRIENDS wouldnt do that, and help her find real friends.
She is looking for attention in the wrong way... I know you said the mom tries to talk to her, how about her dad?? Fathers play such a HUGE ROLE in our daughters self esteem and how they look at themselves and who they look for approval. Maybe dad can take her on a solo father/daughter date and help/talk to her. Give lits of hugs and reminder her how much he loves her.. I hope daddy is involved...
I know you had some good advise.. good luck!

The best way for kids to feel good about themselves is to accomplish something. Get her in a sport or dance or hobby where she is learning, accomplishing and progressing. Especially with physical activities she can turn her physical obsession into a positive one. She can concentrate on muscle control instead of food control.
Something she can progress at is great for this. Like karate or dance where she can go from level to level as she works at it. When she has something else to live for besides her focus on looks she will live better and she won't NEED to worry about her weight.
Even classes like cooking or art or anything she's interested in.
The focus for the last 20 years has been tell kids they're great and it will build their esteem but it doesn't and kids today have just the same problems. Kids build self esteem by building themselves. When she can do something herself and see a job well done, when she has overcome a challenge, then she'll know she's better than the latest hairstyle or the number on the scale.
Good luck.

I agree: American Girl series, but most specifically the Body book. The American Girl magazine subscriptions are great.

I've always done what I can to encourage a healthy esteem in my daughters. At 13 and 11, they seem fine in their appearance; some things that have helped in addition to those books:
open dialogue about media images, and other girls' physical issues.
discussions after reading stories, articles or watching tv or movies.
looking at plastic surgery horror stories, and loudly exclaming that the person, if satisfied with looks, wouldn't have to do that.
looking at nonmakeup pic of "beautiful" celebrities...and seeing they look just like us without the pro-make-up artist!
reminding them, that beauty is inside, eat healthy most of the time, be active and love yourself.

since she is young my suggestion would be to have her talk with someone. This could end up being a huge problem if left unattended and as she gets older. If you can locate the problem now it would be so much better.

therapist to children with special needs