8-Year Old Expected to Watch Sister

There is no way an 8 yr old should be responsible for a 2 yr old. A 2 yr old would be tough enough for a 14 yr old baby sitter to handle. This mother should not be doing this to her children. Heaven forbid something should happen to the younger one and the older would be made to feel guilty over it when all this responsibility is beyond her. You can bet the mother will have this poor girl looking after the 2 yr old and the new baby as well. Just my opinion, but I think all those children should be rescued from their mother.

It sounds like your SD is being asked to do a bit more than she is ready to handle. On the one hand a capable 8 year old can be a real help at a lot of tasks (with adult supervision) but it usually doesn't work out well to put an older sibling "in charge" of a younger one unless there is a very large age difference (like over 10 years).

I agree with you that it makes sense to find a way to take the pressure off your SD. But I also imagine her mother is overwhelmed as well (at the moment I have a 1 year old and a 4 year old so I can relate to how hard it is to be pregnant or have a new baby and have to take care of a 2 year old). Can you and your husband think of ways to help your SD by taking some of the pressure? Even if it is something minor like offering to take the 2 year old and the 8 year old to the park for an hour occasionally might be a help. At least if you have tried to help and shown some empathy for her situation she may be able to listen better if/when you (or your husband) need to have a conversation with her about putting too much responsibility on your SD.

In my opinion it is not at all fair for her to do anything besides play with her and maybe help her with eating!! My almost 16 year old niece has been going through this with my other two younger nieces so her mom and stepdad can go out and party etc. and it drives me nuts and she has a lot of resentment!!!

Oh, that poor kid. And she is just a child and she should not be looking after a 2 year old. Mom wanted these children, it's MOM'S job to take care of them, not her young daughter's job. Wow, is mom married? I sense that there is a lot more going on that you are too kind and gracious to share. Now if it were me... lol.

I think maybe dad needs to have a talk with mom and let her know you are all aware of this and it shouldn't be happening. Does your SD ever talk about wanting to live with you and dad? Is that something that could work? Geez, she's only 8!! Every time I think of that, it makes me crazy! Poor kid, I really feel bad for her. Sorry I don't really have much advice to give you. You are a very kind and compassionate mom to show such interest and care about your SD. I hope you can change things for her.

NO an 8 year old should NOT have to do this... NOR to be a "Mommy."
The Mom herself should be handling it.
Point blank, That is my answer.

My Mom, grew up the eldest in her family with 3 other younger siblings. SHE had to do what that 8 year old is expected to do. My Mom, resented it... and she did NOT have a childhood. It was something that is a real bad memory for my Mom. And, the rest of the family did not even appreciate it nor to think of her as a "child." To this day, my Mom says she NEVER had a childhood.

A young child like this, will grow up have a BIG HUGE burden on her shoulders, for which their mental and emotional development and maturity is NOT gauged for.

Sure, she can help... but helping is NOT the same thing as being RESPONSIBLE for it ALL, nor responsible for the given tasks upon her.

What a poor little girl... her Mom is neglectful and NOT being a good Mommy. Sorry.
And how can you leave a 1 year old home alone with a 7 year old? I have a 7 year old and would NEVER think to leave her home alone, much less with my son.

That Mom, is negligent.
An 8 year old is NOT a "Parent."
If she is made to take care of her siblings... she WILL resent it and her siblings and her Mom and anyone else who pressures her that way or scolds her for not being able to handle it. That is a BIG burden for a child.
You CANNOT keep her from resenting her siblings, nor to be happy about it.
This is wrong. Pure and simple.

A mere 8 year old... should NOT have to be responsible for her Mom's lack of responsibility and irresponsibility.

All the best,
Susan

Your husband needs to take a huge step up and confront the mom, in court if need be. He needs to be his baby's saviour at all times.
She is still a little girl but if she is well spoken and mature for her age then a child advocate from the court can talk to her and find out what is going on. THen maybe the mom will have to have supervised visits. Or you can highly suggest that to the courts and involve them.
You might have hubby say " If this happens then I will have no choice but to involve the couts.
She may be regressing at home because no one is standing up for her and she feels like she has to handle it. Don't make her do this alone.

There is a young child in our neighborhood whose mom actually left her in charge of three little ones while mom went out and partied. No one knew, the little one didn't say anything. I found out when MOm needed a babysitter all weekend for the four of them. THe young girl supposedly was the best helper. She got to my house and disappeared. She was 10 and hated her life, all she wanted was to play Polly Pockets. Her siblings were 8 months, 4 with Down's and 7. She was losing her childhood. About two weeks later the dad got back from Iraq, he divorced the mother and now has full custody.
Step in again, it is for your step daughter's sake.

She’s your step-daughter but you’re writing about her as if she were your own flesh and blood. You are an amazing step-mom to have so much concern over your SD. I agree with the other Moms and their opinions on this. My heart goes out to your SD. That is way too much responsibility for an 8 year old. My daughter is 12 and I believe it would be too much to expect for her at that age.

What I think is reasonable…I have a 4 year old and my 12 y/o daughter will play board games with him or hide and seek in the house, read him a book, but the minute I hear my son not behaving, I step in. However, my son will also get a snack for my daughter or bring her a blanket if she is cold in the morning on the couch. That’s what they do for each other but they are not the parent!

Be there for your SD. She probably feels out numbered at her Mom’s house and like no one has her back. Dad needs to step in pronto!!

Sigh. I was the 8yo who took care of her little brother (4) after my mom left my dad. My dad of course had to work so I was in charge of my brother and housecleaning. Unfortunately, I still rebel and regress, sometimes, and I am 43. Certainly a "big sister" can help, but it's too much to be in charge.

I haven't read the responses, but here goes...

I am not sure what you can do beyond what you ARE doing, though. If you have any good relationship with mom, can you help her define what is an appropriate role for an 8 year old? Will mom get mad and that make things worse? Some regression is normal when a new sibling comes but that is complicated by the new families in your situation.

My 2yo "helped" when I had my son, but that was things like getting a diaper or reading beside me while I nursed.

When we had #3, my oldest was 9.5 and was and is a lot of help. She just turned 13. She also took a babysitting course. Sometimes she is resentful of siblings, but truthfully, they can be annoying. My 10 yo son (about to be 11) also gets irritated with the youngest (and his big sister, as a matter of fact). Some of that is normal, too.

I agree that leaving a 7yo in charge in the absence of adult supervision is not wise. I still don't leave the 10 yo in charge, except on dog walks.

Don't know what else to tell you, but wish you and your stepdaughter and her other family well.

Okay I may get totally reamed for this comment but back in the day what the heck do you think all those older kids were doing? Helping the parents with the chores, and caring for the younger ones....BUT I'm not saying that it is "right". I do believe that a child has a right to be a "kid" and in my opinion those things she is doing is expected of her when she is not the one that popped those babies out in the first place-it is her mother's responsability first and foremost.
We obviously don't live back in the day and things were quite different back then. My grandmother is a perfect example of that-she basically raised her siblings but her family lifestyle was very hard. They were poor and god knows they shouldn't have had all those kids and especially if my grandmother was the one raising them...but that is what they did back then!
I think she should have the choice rather than the expectation there that it has to be done by her. She obviously has no voice in the home and I think that maybe an adult should be her voice. It doesn't mean she should be able to skimp out on other responsabilities as a child should have such as cleaning their room, unloading the dishwasher, cleaning up their toys, etc. but to expect her to assume adult and "parental" responsabilities in my opinion is unacceptable. If she assumes THAT much responsability with the child(ren) then she should be paid to do so. If you get paid for something there is more gratification rather than resentment. That mother needs to get a clue that her child is not there just for her convenience. What a shame that she has to be robbed of something that she will never be able to go back and do over. Not only that but may ruin her as her perception of what "parenting" is really about.

I think that is entirely too much responsibility at her age. I agree that when you have a larger family, the older siblings have to take on a bigger role to make things work, but in no way should she have to be the primary caregiver to her little sister. She also shouldn't get into trouble for things her sister does.
I think it's reasonable if her mom asked her to make sure her sister doesn't get into certain things while the baby is being changed or fed, or play with her from time to time, but not to use her as a nanny. I caught myself asking too much of my oldest daughter, and when she started resisting doing her other chores, we had to put a stop to how much we were asking of her. It's easy to overlook how much they are asked to do, but to ignore it when it's noticed is another story. It would probably be a good idea to talk to her mom, or have your husband talk to her, about how it is affecting her when she's away from home.

You have gotten many responses, but I have a "worst case scenario" story to share. A cousin of mine is an older half-sibling. Her dad remarried & they had 2 more kids. Her step mom was/is the worst. When my cousin was visiting them, she was basically a live-in housekeeper, babysitter, whatever. She was forced to do way more than a child should be expected to do, while her half-siblings were spoiled rotten. She hated it and couldn't wait to turn 18 so she would not be legally required to visit there.

She loved her siblings and her dad, but hated her step mom. She didn't mind visiting and hanging out with the siblings, but didn't want to stay at their house.

Once she was 18, she moved out on her own. Unfortunately she got mixed up in the wrong crowd. I haven't even seen her in at least 5 years. I feel her lack of a real childhood led her to rebel & get away once she was able. I hate that it happened to her & wish I could have done something to help, but I was just a kid too.

I hope you and her dad can come up with something to help your girl out of this situation!

The YMCA offers classes to 11 year old children on how to be a baby sitter, the Red Cross Babysitter Training. I beleive it is unlawful to have anyone caring alone for another person unless they are 12 years old or older. If the other mom is doing that you have every right to turn her in.

Maybe when she's at your house you can just be there for her. To listen and let her vent and get it off her chest so to speak. That way you can keep an eye on what's going on and you should document everything she says, positive and negative. Date it and put the time and circumstances where the discussion occored. For example, "Jane and I were sitting on the couch watching tv and she turned to me and said..........I responded by saying.......she said...........I said to that.........and then she tuned and watched tv again. It was on 00/00/0000 at approxim. 00:00am. Another thing to do..."I heard Jane say......I heard Jane tell my husband......" It cannot be opinion, it has to be factual. Observational not "I think she means...or she meant to say..." If you put your opinion in it it makes it worthless.

My attorney gave me this format when I was going through my first divorce. It was how I got everything I wanted. I had more credibiltiy than he did because I had it all written down in chronological order in one notebook with no pages torn out. Not a 3 ring binder either, a real notebook where the pages are in book form like a journal. This way if you ever have to testify you'll have notes to refer back to.