7 Year Old Daughter Not Bonding with Baby Sister

The 7 year old is on medication for her ADHD, however, I do not get to experience the affect of the meds since they've worn off by the time I get home from work. She has always been very strong-willed since she turned 18 months old. I've asked her quite a few times to help me with the baby (ie get diapers, hold the bottle...) and sometimes she will help, other times she flat out refuses. I have tried to keep her involved as much as possible without pushing her too hard. I would love to find time for just the two of us to spend time together, but unfortunately our schedules don't allow much time (I work full time and my boyfriend works 12 hours a day as well as weekends - so I'm pretty much always taking care of the baby). Every other weekend, my 7 year old goes to her dads house, so that doesn't help much with finding time. I am planning on going to Girl Scout camp with her for a weekend in May & hope that gives us quality time. I've tried to talk to her, but she doesn't have much interest in talking about it either. I do let her know that she is still my baby girl and I love her more than anything (I even stick notes in her lunchbox telling her I love her). I try to praise her when she is helpful or listens, but still spend more time fighting with her than anything.

Have you read the book, "Siblings Without Rivalry?" That may be a good place to start. I would also try to verbalize some of her negative feelings like, "Babies are not much fun at this age. She sure does cry a lot." Everyone wants to see the baby and hold the baby. If I were you I'd be a little jelous!" The social worker at her school should also be contacted. She may be able to get her talking a little bit. Three and a half months is an awfully long time for her not to even hold the baby. If she is feeling recentful it may become a safety issue for the baby. I would not ignore this. I think the sooner you get some help, the better.

First of all, this is totally normal for any child, and she will come around eventually.

You don't say whether you include her in the day to day care of the baby, but I'd recommend doing so. When it's bottle time, if you're not breastfeeding, have her get the formula container, bottles and nipples (if she can reach it) or have her help you by dumping the needed scoops of powder into the bottles.

If you are BFing, have her sit with you and read a short story to the baby. Have her pick a bunch of her favorites and tell her she gets the joy of sharing these favorites with sis so they can love them together.

Have her grab the diapers, or maybe pick out baby's outfit for the day. Any small things she can do to get interested and bonded with her sister.

Be sure to remind her that in a matter of months, the baby won't be so dependent for help and will actually want to/be able to play with her more.

Lastly, don't forget to set aside special time for just the two of you. I used to make special time first thing in the morning before the baby woke up. I'd have my oldest hang with me for cuddle time or books or whatever he wanted to do before the baby woke. Make her feel special. Get her a special treat. I bought my son a pet fish to care for when the baby came home. I reminded him to feed and care for it when it was time for us to be with baby. I tried to draw a connection between the nurturing of a baby and nurturing of a pet. It helps the child understand better why the baby seems to get so much of your time. It lessens feelings of jealousy or misperceived abandonment.

For a friend's daughter (she's an Aspie) I gave her a baby doll that wets so she could care for her doll along-side mom. It was a hit.

As for pictures, have hubby or a relative take casual pictures of you, the 7 year-old and baby together doing daily activities. Don't make a big production, or your daughter might feel upset that the baby is getting too much attention.

As for the ADHD thing. I totally understand that there are just some things you can't do, let alone handle with these high maintenance kids. I have greatly benefitted from the books and wisdom of a woman named Carol Barnier. She has a fantastic daily blog and many books on how to relate with and improve your relationship with your "sizzler". That's what she calls ADHD kids. There is a cute and hilarious story about her son explaining the term and why she uses it. Go to www.sizzlebop.com. You won't regret it.

Well I have to say it is hard for her. But I see where your concerns are. Have you taken her one on one and asked whats wrong? Maybe ask her. also maybe she looked at her and felt she didn't look like her so shes like a stranger? Or maybe ask the pediatrician if this could because of her issues with adhd. Like maybe theres something with that that has her acting this way toward her sister. I truely believed though At this point and time the baby is like not really active or enthusiastic for her and she does cry alot. once the baby is like 6 months and she starts crawling and moving around maybe she switch. usually kids like being big sisters and helping mom feed and get diapers. Maybe you could try that with her too. Have her help you. Which I am sure you have tried. Good luck and would love to hear what happens.

I had a similar situation. My stepson was 6 when my daughter was born. He really wasn't interested at all. At the hospital he enjoyed watching the tv, over his sister. But we just left it alone. I did have him help somewhat though, by getting a diaper, or if i laid the baby on the floor, i would ask him to watch her while i went in the kitchen. I knew she wasn't going anywhere, but it made him feel important. I encouraged him to talk to his sister, which took months to do. If he held her, it was for about 10 seconds then he was done. BUT once she got to be about 6-7 months and was sitting up and playing more, he was more receptive to her. Then he could start interacting and she would respond

I am guessing your daughter might not feel as important, since the new baby does require so much or your time. I think it's going to be on you and your husband to make sure you are giving her some quality time. Not just at homework time but at other times. i have spoken with doctor's or therapists about ways to handle the adhd and homework. i know supernanny did an episode about that. i don't remember what he suggestions where, but I know that they did wonders for the boy in the show. maybe try looking up some ideas on making homework time a bit easier for both of you.

You might need to bck peddle a bit. If you really spent your whole pregnancy talking about how great this little sister is going to be, she must be really let down. Babies to 7 year-olds are pretty boring and she is probably jealous. I would just let it all go. Let her feel important helping if she wants to, set aside special time with just her while baby is sleeping. Hopefully you will be able to "steal" a picture sometime. Those moments are precious. Be patient and love on HER alot.

So imagine this scenario: you and your husband have been married for 7 years, when your husband says to you " I have so much love, that I want to bring another wife home and share my love with the both of you". That is the analogy that I have heard when children gain a sibling. Just try to imagine your daughter's place in the home, and how she might be feeling about this little "intruder". Ask her to be your little helper (getting diapers for you, etc), and she may find an important role in helping. She needs to realize that she has a very important role in the family. And be sure to spend quality time with her when the baby is sleeping, so she doesn't feel like she is totally being replaced.

Dear M.

Please don't push her. My elder daughter was always loving to the baby. I could hardly take a single picture of the baby. Whenever I take the camera to take my baby's photo the big sister she will come in. But now after 3 years when I see how she tried to be there in all picture, I laugh. But there were moments often the jealously crept in,and still does.

Whenever you buy anything for the baby make sure she gets. Give special time to her and she will think she is still mama's baby. Praise her with whatever help she does.Tell her that her sister will be there for her to help when the parents are no more in the world.

Don't worry sibling rivalry will be there and bonding will be there too!

C. Sengupta

How old was your daughter when ADHD label was given to her? How long and how many meds has she been prescribed? What were her initial problems leading to the diagnosis? You do need to find a really good therapist to help you untangle the parenting relationship and all her other struggles with succeeding enough in life to be happy and share her parents with a baby.

I think the suggestions here are good and I think that you are right to not push things too hard. Another thing that I did was point out when I saw the baby watching the older siblings how much the baby loved them and looked up to them. I kept coming back to that comment whenever there was opportunity to encourage them to love someone who at that point wasn't able to do too much with them and to encourage them to love the baby and be a good role model. How can you not love a cute little baby that adores you? These comments are helpful later too when the baby is getting into her things or tagging along.
Best Wishes! - there are always challenges with adding a new member of the family!