7 Year Old Daughter Hitting and Kicking Me

I think I am very different from a lot of parents on here in this way. There is no excuse for her to EVER touch you or speak disresectfully to you. If you don't take care of this behavior when they are young, it already rears it's ugly head by the age of 7. I can't imagine any child thinking it is okay for them to touch or disrespect their parents and get away with it. A behavior chart is not necessary for either of you. (Might be helpful, but not necessary.) She may need to be told firmly that there is no excuse for this and she can sit in an empty room (no fun stuff) for as long as it takes to realize she has not right at the age of 7 to be like that. Do not let her get away with being the adult in the situation. It seems like that might be what is going on. You are the adult and need to set her straight.

I believe that a behavior chart is a great idea. Now that your daughter is older, she can understand that actions have consequences. Try to get this under control now because as they get older, it becomes next to impossible. Good luck.

I think the fact that she helped come up with the solution is great and should be encouraged. It's worth a try!

You said: "HER idea was to make a behavior chart for BOTH of us."

I think your daughter has amazing wisdom and foresight for a 7 year old!!! And if you do indeed use such a chart, discuss it and things that each of you wish to change each week, you are well on your way to a more consistent solution and resolution of these 'meltdowns' (which from her point of view may be those of yours in response to hers, as well!) good luck.

I agree with the one lady who said there is not any excuse for you child to disrespect you like that. My son is only three, but he is punished even at that age. Your daughter know this is not how she should behave. It seems like maybe you allowed this behavior to persist from the preschool age. Discipline earlier rather that later. What happens when she is a teenage and want to hit and talk disrespectfully? This should have been nipped in the bud when she was 3 or 4. Remember you are the parent and she is the child.

Sorry this is a bit late, but it may help, and I can't believe I'm saying this, because I can't believe this condition exists (I thought it was an excuse for bad parenting), until I met a child in my daughter's kindergarten class who has oppositional defiance disorder (ODD). I think the name says it all. And the girl's mother is a good parent! If this behavior has been going on for awhile, you both may need to see a therapist to get some coping skills. I'm not qualified to do an online diagnosis. but you may want to check into it

B.,
I agree with the ladies who stated that there is no excuse for her to act like this. Hitting & kicking you and calling you names!OMG!!!

You asked if the behavioral chart was a good idea. In my opinion...no! It is not.I say this because, your daughter already feels as though she is in control of you by hitting and calling you names. For some reason she is comfortable with doing that. At seven years old she should not be acting like that towards you. However it's up to you if you decide to use it or not.

I would have another talk with her and let her know that her hitting, kicking and name calling will no longer be tolerated and strict punishment will follow this type of behavior. This includes no tv, phone, play dates, video games or anything else that she likes to do. Not just for one day but at least 3. You need to be consistent and firm with your punishments. She has to see that you mean exactly what you say.

Try to focus on what exactly makes her angry. How does she get along with her sibling? Does she have these outbursts when you tell her no? If you are able to identify what brings these angry actions on, talk to her about it.

When she gets angry again and starts acting the same way, be sure that you are in control of your tempter. Even if you want to, don't yell at her. Calmly let her know that SHE needs to calm down. Send her to her room until she is calm enough to talk about the situation. Once you are able to talk to her about whatever the situation is also let her know what her punishment will be right then.

At this point she needs to understand that you are the parent and she is the child.

Hi B.,
Try reading the book "Have a New Kid by Friday". It's helping us with our son

A behavior chart is a good idea and it's very good that she came up with it herself, so she feels ownership of that idea. I do believe that parents have to be responsible for their own behaviors toward their children and should apologize to their kids when it is called for; however, take care that her idea of making the chart for both of you isn't an indication that she would consider her own unacceptable behavior somehow OK if you don't do what she considers your end of the bargain.

I'm concerned that at the age of 7 she has so little anger management and is hitting. A few questions only you can answer:

Does she do this at school? Have you talked with her teachers (all of them) and the school counselor to see if this is going on there? Does it happen on play dates? It's possible she may have had outbursts at school that you haven't heard about because they didn't involve her hitting another child or a teacher, but angry outbursts even without the hitting should be something you ask teachers to tell you about the same day they happen. That way you can track how often and in what settings this goes on. You will have to invest some serious time in talking with the teachers and counselor and you should do it in person even if you have to get a babysittter for the twins -- the teachers may not realize how serious you consider this if you just shoot them a quick e-mail. You will need to get the counselor involved and the counselor should be glad to see you alone, without your daughter, to talk about this and offer some help.

Does she seem jealous of her twin siblings? Does she ever threaten them with hitting, or even just verbally vent her anger at them? Having a little sibling is enough reason for natural jealousy, but having twin siblings may seem to her like she'll never get anyone's full attention again.

What sets her off? Not getting what she wants immediately? If so, possibly she has grown used to getting things when she has tantrums -- in short, tantrums have worked well for her all her short life. Or is she more prone to the violent tantrums when she's tired? Stressed? Hungry? All three? Is she over-scheduled with activities and therefore worn out? Have the tantrums increased since she started school, which might indicate she's stressed by that somehow? Have there been life changes recently -- are the twins new babies, have you moved, etc.?

Are you the only person towards whom she has these outbursts, or the only one she hits? You didn't mention whether you're married -- If so, how does she interact with your husband or significant other? Would she try these tantrums with him? Does he act extremely strict with her, so she's scared to fuss at him but not at you, or is he extremely indulgent, explaining away her outbursts as "She'll grow out of it" or "Well, she's mad, let her vent" etc.? If you and he (or you and Grandma or any other adults she sees regularly) are not on exactly the same page about how to deal with her, you won't be effective.

It's excellent that you and she sat down and talked about this. Praise her a LOT for talking with you and initiate talks with her about her feelings often. I recommend the American Girl "Feelings Book" for you; she may be too young for it yet and it does contain issues such as feelings about suicide, etc., that you may not want to discuss with one so young, but it does have great ideas about anger, frustration, depression etc. that will help you talk to her. It may be that she cannot express feelings any way other than tantrums yet and it's time for her to learn to work through things better. You can help with that and so can a counselor, either private or at the school.

When she starts getting angry, try a method to slow her down before it escalates, and work out that method with her beforehand, when she's calm -- maybe you can arrange a "signal" between you like your saying "Let's both take a deep breath" as her cue to be quiet and think before going on, etc. I know there are books out there that have lots of methods to halt tantrums BEFORE they escalate.

I'm not sure how you discipline her, but with some kids (including mine) it's hard to find the "currency" that makes them change behaviors that are so ingrained or that make them feel temporarily in control. (And your daughter may do this because it makes her feel strong when she usually feels like she has no control over anything.)You'll want to find effective discipline that really means something to her, like taking away certain things (TV time, computer time, play dates, etc.) that she values highly. And giving her more responsibilities, then praising her a lot (even for what seems like small stuff to grown-ups) could help turn her around -- she may indeed feel like she has no say in her own life. Just be sure the responsibilities are realistic and doable for her.

One other thing: If you or your husband spanks her, consider that, to her, it sends the signal that physical reactions are acceptable to adults--so why shouldn't she resort to getting physical when she's upset? Even if you tell her that it's a discipline for her behavior, and you expect it should correct the behavior, in HER young mind it says "it's OK to strike someone."

You're doing great with the calm talk and the chart, but consider following up with looking at when and why she seems to have most of the tantrums, talking to a professional if they go on much longer, and getting her teachers involved in informing you about the rest of her day.

Hi B.,
I have a very strong-willed daughter too. Are you making sure she has a consistent daily schedule? Structure provides comfort and security to children. I make sure that every day when my kids get home from school they get a quick snack and then immediately start their homework. Then they can have playtime for awhile. Bath time is before dinner and then they can have some more free time after dinner. The idea here is to make sure that what they don't like doing has to be done before they can do what they want to do. This may sound insignificant but it really helps children to manage their emotions. Then as far as hitting goes, I would remove myself from the situation until I have my emotions under control. Then I would go back and tell her that her behavior is unacceptable and put her in time out for 7 minutes. One minute for each year of her age. If she refuses to go you tell her that one minute will be added on to her time until she goes. Then when you finally get her to sit on a chair looking at the wall she must sit quietly. If my daughter talks or yells or screams, any noise, I stop the timer and tell her more time will be added on until she gets quiet. The trick to this is to be able to interact without letting your emotions take over. Be very matter of fact and calm. This must be done every time she hits or yells or the behavior won't stop. She will fight this like crazy at first but the more consistent you get, the easier it will be to put her in time out. Then when her time out is over you can talk to her about what she did and how she can act in an appropriate way when she is angry. Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline by Becky A. Baily is an excellent book that can help. Everything I've told you is what my therapist recommended to me and it has made my life so much happier. The other thing is, if you aren't in control of your emotions then you really can't expect a child to be in control of theirs. You may need to journal or seek counseling if you have anger issues. I feel for you and I hope this helps. By the way, forget the crazy charts. They're just cute ways to bribe.

B., keep your chin up. You recognize the trouble that could come down the road and you are trying to do the right thing. While all the responders are well intentioned, it is clear from the tone some of them take, that they have never dealt with a strong willed child. Lucky them.

I'm not sure I have much advice for you, but mostly wanted to say I feel your pain sister. I have a 5 y.o. who has great difficulty managing her anger, and seems to have an extraordinary need for control. She can be extremely uncooperative, and at times no amount of punishment (withdrawal of things that have value to her) will get her to comply. Provoking an argument with me seems like fuel on her fire. I read recently that as soon as kids get us to anger and/or yelling, we, the adults, have lost control. That makes a lot of sense in my situation, so as hard as it is, I'm trying not to get to yelling. I'm also disengaging. As soon as we get to what looks like it could be an argument or power struggle. I say an acknowledging phrase like "I understand." or "I'm sorry you feel that way." and walk away. Don't debate. You might find the book "Try and Make Me" by Ray Levy and Bill O'Hanlon helpful. I rarely have time to read, but I seem to be pouring through this book. I'm picking up some useful strategies and seeing some positive changes in my daughter's behavior.

By the way, we use behavior charts as well, but only for her. There's a chart to note good behavior that has rows of smaller rewards she can achieve more quickly and a big reward when she fills the whole chart. She chooses where she places good stickers. There's also a bad behavior chart with rows leading up to punishments or withdrawal of things she values (no dessert, no TV, go to bed early, etc.). We, the parents, choose where the stickers go on that chart. Good luck!

When my son was younger (toddler - pre-schooler) sometimes he would get very frustrated over some things and would want to hit. Anger management is something we all have to learn. I told him 'we don't hit' or kick or bite. We use our words to say how we feel and if he was having a hard time with that I told him it was ok to hit his pillow a little once in awhile. Once his verbal skills improved, we could talk about what was bothering him and come to resolutions much quicker. There were a few times when he was a toddler when I would almost be as overwhelmed as he was, and I'd send him to his bed and let us both have a calm down period before we could talk. Also, the name calling has got to stop. There are fair ways to air out differences and name calling is just inflammatory and hurtful. Ask her why she thinks it's ok to talk to you like that. You don't call her names, and you expect to be treated with respect. If you are feeling you are not making any headway with the problem, you might want to talk to her teacher or school counselor to see what help they might recommend. If she's acting this way at home, it could spill over into school and she's going to land in a lot of trouble if she can not control her temper.