7-Year Old W/ Anxiety and Severe Separation Anxiety

It is important to rule out any possible medical or psychological issues. I absolutely do not want dismiss that possibility. If he is otherwise healthy, I think you need to change your approach.

It is so natural for us, as mom's (and dad's) to want to help them, understand their feelings, empathize, etc. But it is usually better for them in the long run if you focus less on his feelings. Reasure him that everything will be fine and then act as tho,ugh it is. He will be much stronger if you do that.

When you walk him into school, be happy and excited, "Wow, this is going to be a great day! You are going to have so much fun!" If you know a couple of things he will be doing, you can talk about that. Is it music day, library day, art day, computer day? Maybe he likes PE? Whatever you can think of that he likes, go with it. Get really excited about it and talk to him about the fun he will have.

If you focus on trying to make him feel better or trying to talk him out of whatever sad or scared feeling he has, that usually just causes the child to focus even more on those feelings. It doesn't really help. You need to find a way to help him focus on happy and excited feelings.

Don't worry if he is sad or upset or even crying. Walk him to the door, give him a quick goodbye and walk away quickly. Don't stick around, don't wave to him, no prolonged goodbyes, even if you think you are reassuring him. You're not. You're just causing him to continue focusing on sadness. Turn him over to his teacher and leave as soon as possible. The teacher is in a better place to help transition him into whatever they are doing and helping him to forget the sadness.

This is honestly what he needs from you! You have to be strong. You can cry in the car after you drop him off, but you have to be strong for him.

I'm sorry your son is having a tough time. It would help us here answer your question better if you could let us know whether he has been medically diagnosed as having an anxiety disorder. Kids this young can indeed have one (my friend's child did and still does, as a teen, but is under a doctor's care). Of course that's not the only aspect of this situation, but it would help to know if you and your family are trying to figure this out on your own or if you have involved professionals who are experienced with children who have anxiety issues.

If you have not yet had him evaluated, I would recommend you do so right away. Even if it turns out this is an issue more of his needing to mature, and it's not a medically diagnosable anxiety disorder, you will at least have ruled out any need for medical treatment and can take that off your plate. And if it is a treatable anxiety disorder, you can start treatment more quickly. That's important because it can take quite a long time to find the right treatment.

Have there been any other changes? Is this a new school, or are there lots of new kids in his class, or is he perhaps starting first grade and it's very different from kindergarten, or are there any changes at home like a new sibling or other things that might be exacerbating his usual tendency to be anxious?

I hope the teacher is being understanding and is an ally. I agree with the post that said you should involve the school counselor and I would have a talk with the counselor (and maybe with the teacher present) ASAP, but I would not let that take the place of a doctor's evaluation. Please update us!

My older son's best friend has serious anxiety. The right medication made a world of difference for him. He also sees a therapist.

Your ticket system might be detrimental if his anxiety is medical and not simply transient behavior.

Yes, sadly much experience in this area with my youngest. Get a referral from your pediatrician for a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders in children/teens. It's VERY common so get on top of it now as many of the therapists are likely full and not taking new patients. Please deal with it sooner than later, if your son has a major breakdown (like my daughter did) it's going to be longer and harder to recover. There are some great books out there but if it's severe you and the teacher can't do this on your own, you, and your child, need professional help. Good luck!

I would take him to a child therapist. Things like anxiety can be very effectively managed by cognitive behavioral therapy (therapy where the child learns strategies to combat his anxiety - not just sitting on the couch talking about his woes). Much like speech and language therapy, the earlier you treat the problem, the better the chances of success. Kids especially respond very well to therapy which is another reason you want to enroll him sooner rather than later. Jessica Alba had OCD as a child, got therapy as a kid and is doing great now. My sister had OCD as a child, didn't get therapy and is now dysfunctional. If my sister had received treatment, maybe her life would be very different today. I don't know. But I know for sure that if my son ever starts exhibiting symptoms of depression or anxiety, I would seek treatment asap. Best of luck,

it's a tough call, because the way i'd handle *normal* anxiety in a child is different from how i imagine a child with a true anxiety disorder should be handled.
my armchair psych guess just from reading this is that you've got a child with a true psychiatric issue, and that's why your sensible *normal* solutions aren't working.
my kids had occasional anxiety over situations that SHOULD cause anxiety- new classrooms, new homeschool groups, new sports teams, that sort of thing. we dealt with it by being empathetic, listening, offering a few coping suggestions, and demonstrating confidence that they'd do great. it usually worked, not always perfectly, but we all muddled through.
i don't know what 'behavior' your son slips back into, but it sounds as if medication, therapy and some sort of combination of both might be necessary. 7 is still a very young boy, and wanting his mom is not out of whack. but if hanging onto your clothes and struggling just to walk into the classroom are behaviors that he often exhibits, then yeah, i think it's time for an evaluation.
good luck, hon.
khairete
S.

I would follow Suz's advice.

My little one (around same age as yours) just started this. Wants me in case she will miss me. Which is ridiculous. She is too busy playing and having fun to miss me. She was getting a sore tummy (feeling nauseas) etc. She actually threw up before camp this summer. Just the first day. Once she knew she liked it, she was fine.

I have tried the following
1 - walking her through the worst case scenario. I get her to tell me what she thinks that would be and then I show her that it won't happen and anyways, if it did - this is what we'll do. That helped tremendously.
2 - having my husband drop her off. She and I do the tearful goodbye (I keep it short and don't go there) at home. My husband keeps it light and positive without even remotely reacting and acting like she's a pro. His confidence in her makes her feel a bit more secure.
3 - I found a small smooth pretty stone that I gave her one time when she was nervous about going somewhere first time. I said "This is my courage stone. I'll lend it to you, but I'll borrow it again if I ever need it". She kept it in her pocket and did fine.

It can be a phase (there were other little kids crying at dance drop off the other day). Or it could just be something a therapist could help you with. I do know if you make a big deal of it it tends to make it worse. I did the reward thing once with my daughter and then she expected a little treat every time she did something. So that backfired (for us anyhow). Not saying it's not worth a try if it works for you, but I prefer making her feel that she can do this - she's just as capable of every other kid. And I will be there if she can't - but so far, of course, she could.

Good luck :) I know it's hard. I absolutely feel terrible seeing my little one in tears. It's gut wrenching.

Have you involved the guidance office and/or outside professional care to manage his anxiety? The school guidance office may be a great resource for situations at school and be a liaison between you and the teacher, as well as being another resource for his teacher when he's having a tough morning. He may be able to visit with the guidance counselor instead of disrupting class time, and learn tools to manage his anxieties. My DD had a rough spot early first grade and the school counselor helped her to get to class and reboot her morning to have a successful day. It lasted about a month, off and on.

Is it possible that he actually doesn't feel well (medically, physically, I mean. Not emotionally). My daughter used to have times when she was experiencing hypoglycemia, and her symptoms were more behavioral and emotional than what I expected. I figured she'd be shaky or pale. Is it possible that on the mornings when he's having a tough time, he's had an insufficient amount of protein, or healthy fats, or sugars from things like fresh fruit?

I would give my daughter a quick snack of string cheese and good quality yogurt (not the kind with cookies in it or blue stripes), or a drink of orange juice, or raw honey and peanut butter on toast, and it would often seem to bring her emotionally back to where she could deal with things.

You might try keeping track of what he has eaten when he's had a particularly difficult morning, and make sure that his breakfast contains a good combination of proteins and whole grains.

You have no idea how many homeschooled boys I know that struggled with that transition. Now that they are home, they are as happy as can be.

We really are asking a lot of our young people. He's 7. Some kids need extra security.

Here's my thoughts. This is coming from a child care veteran, okay? This is what I have seen with the thousands of kids I've had in my care over my lifetime.

Kids whose moms take them into the class have the most problems.

Kids whose moms stand there and say "honey, it's okay, I'll be back, it's okay, go to class, here's your teacher, it's time to go play with your friends, etc..." those are the moms we hate to see because they are feeding their child's insecurities and allowing them to control the situation.

Your child knows he is the boss of you. He knows if he has any issue when you drop him off that you'll stay and give him a LOT of attention for a bad behavior.

Take him to the doc and get him some meds for his anxiety.

Take him to counseling where they can do play therapy with him and figure out where the anxiety is coming from.

Ask the principle to meet your car in the drive through section of the parking lot and take your son from the vehicle even if he's screaming and kicking and anything else. He needs for you to leave and not look back or anything.

This should last less than a week. If he's really having issues it might take up to 3 weeks but he'll stop having it.

I have had numerous kids scream and cry and kick and bite and run after mom and go freaking nuts when she tried to leave. As soon as mom finally left the kid was quiet and playing and normal before mom got to the parking lot. 99% of the time.

Kids that have those parents that hang around and give them attention like this feed on it and they will never stop!

If you want to help your son be well and adjusted you need to find out where this is coming from then get to the point where you can just drop him off and drive away.

The combination of lack of attention and therapy and meds he should be able to get to the root of this issue and be to a point where he can not have anxiety issues.