Other Moms in Same Situation

Please talk to her teacher if you haven't already. I went thru something similar and found out there were 3 boys teasing my daughter.

Also be careful of what she sees on t.v. I like watching A&E which has real like drama and I believe that had something to do with it. Good luck!

Talk with her teacher. Maybe it is something else, like having a problem with another student. I wish Cassie the best.

Check to see if she's being bullied at school or if there may be a problem with the TEACHER or other person at school. Try to stop in (unannounced) to check on her to see how the teacher is treating her/the class.

I can totallly relate to your situation. I have a nine year old daughter (an only child) who has suffered from separation anxiety (mostly mild, but sometimes severe) since birth! It was worst around the age of three and then flared up again after my husband and I took a three day trip to New York in the summer of 2007. Every year we have problems after summer break, and even after holidays when she's spent a lot of time with us as a family. I've learned that even though her fears and anxiety may seem silly to us (she's so social - why wouldn't she want to be at school? spend the night with a friend? even go to a friend's house rather than run errands with me?) they are very real for her. While it may seem counterproductive to coddle and reassure her, that is exactly what helps her the most. Validation for her feelings doesn't make her anxiety worse, it just helps her know that we understand. I try to remind her often of things we will do together - even if it is homework. For example: "I am really looking forward to sitting down and helping you with your homework today after school. It seems to go much quicker when we do it together. Maybe you'll let me quiz you on your spelling words?" What she seems to need is the reassurance that we will have time together. School seems like the enemy because it is keeping us apart! My daughter has been a frequest visitor to her school nurse's office. We got over the hurdle of getting to school - and now we just need to keep her there! The nurse asked my permission to speak to her teachers nd encourage her to stay in class and perhaps see the school counselor for tips on how to deal with anxiety. Like your child, mine basically makes herself ill. It did seem to help when I told her that the nurse had spoken to me. I think sometimes when an outsider recognizes that there is a problem, it's easier for the child to acknowledge that their behavior isn't normal - and most kids want desperately to be seen as "normal" - right? ha! Don't we all? I hope this helps. At least you know you are not alone. Hugs to you and yours. - S.

S., I don't have children the same age as yours, but I have a nephew & Godson your youngest's age. I'm always surprised how willing they are to talk about their troubles, when asked. Do you know for sure that this is because big sister went away to school? Either way, I suggest asking her why she feels this way & why she's so upset about school. If she hasn't told you what the problem is, you don't know for sure. It could be someone mean in her class, a teacher she doesn't like, or a bully. If it is separation anxiety, tell her that she is normal for missing her & that you miss her too. Put up a calendar, marking holidays & weekends when big sister will be home, that way she can see that she is coming back. Then help her write to her sister & see if big sister can write to her. The best thing you can do is to find ways to help her cope & give her ways to direct this into positive things. I'm sure it's a difficult adjustment for the whole family. Hang in there! ~ A.

We had something similar happen when my daughter was about the same age. Before that she had been very social and play dates, sleep overs, etc. All of a sudden she could not be away from me. She would panic and have to come home. We saw a child psychologist (Claire w/ For Kids Sake- wonderful). She explained that our daughter was becoming of the age where kids really know the difference between reality and fantasy, and begin to have fears about the real world. (This made so much sense as I know that even the news can sound so scary to kids) She encouraged us to give our daughter "a plan," what would happen if anything happened to us, her parents. We had this talk with her, explaining exactly how her grandparents would move here to Austin and how everything would be ok, she would still go to her same school, etc. if anything happened to us. I could tell that this was what our daughter was concerned with. It was almost funny how little she was worried about what might happen to us (parents)... but more scared about what would happen to her. The talk really did work. Her sep. anxiety went completely away. She's 15 now and I can hardly keep her home! Good luck.

She is probably feeling the loss of her sister. When my son went to college my 4 year old constantly asked him why he went off to Huntsville and left her. Maybe if the college daughter would write letters especially to her little sister it would help. Also a persnal phone call on a regular basis. Something for the little one to look forward to that will reassure her that her sister is not gone forever and that she will return.

This could be something as simple as her thinking that her sister had to move away for school. Let her talk with her sister let her sister know ahead of time to talk up how much fun she is having away they new friends etc. When possible go there and let her see how things are. She may be afraid that she will have to go away from home also for school. Check with the teacher at school and see if any of the kids are picking on her for some reason or if there is any other problem there I am sure that you have done this already if not please keep trying she is important.

My 5 yr old started Kinder at the same time my 18 year old went away to College. He was having some issues at first and couldn't understand why his brother had to sleep at school - weird concept for a 5 yr old to grasp. We visted the campus after a few weeks and he saw how his brother liked his new room and had new friends and it made a big difference. Maybe have your daughters communicate even for a couple of minutes on the phone a few nights a week. Also, something may be going on at school so have the teachers observe how she is getting along. Good luck!

I cried for most of 1st grade. My parents and teacher didn't know what to do. They sent me to the school councilor and she gave me a small item to keep in my pocket. It was my courage box and when I felt like crying I would put my hand in my pocket for courage. My teacher also brought her husbands old bowling trophies in. If we were good we got to put one on our desk. My mom said I loved that idea and it helped me not to cry. I really wanted a trophy on my desk.

Hope this helps.

Try setting up a playdate or two with some girls in her class. She might be feeling like an outsider at school which is why she is so eager to be home and back to being a part of a group that loves her. If you can help her to make a network of friends, or safety net, school might start to feel almost as safe as home. Good luck!

Ok, you are the Mother and you know your child best. If she really has separation issues create a coming-home chart. Have her count the days until sister comes home for Thanksgiving, do the same for Christmas. It's not even three-hours, take her on a weekend to see big sister and take the girls shopping. Let her call sister twice a week so they can tell each other what is going on in their lives and do some bonding. Please keep reading...

My first thought is that something is going on at school and that it is not separation related at all. If the therapist is concentrating on the separation issue, he/she may be missing what is really going on and since your child believes she is there because of separation issues, it may not dawn on her to talk about other things that are going on with her.

I distinctly remember being eight. Kids this age have extra heightened emotions and they live in the "right now." Call it hormones or whatever, even the slightest emotions are magnified and everything is very serious to an eight year-old. Embarassment, anger, frustration, are all felt 10x worse than they actually are. I personally think there is a problem with a boy teasing her (ratty little eight year-old boys manifest crushes in the stupidest, meanest ways), or a girl/girls are being mean to her, or a teacher yelled at her for something, that is causing her not to want to go to school. Sit her down and talk to her like an adult. Tell her that she has to go to school, that you will get in trouble if she doesn't. That when she is at school, her job is to learn. Tell her that you want to do everything you can to make her enjoy school that there are friends there and that it can be a fun place.

On a separate occasion, play the tell-you game. What do you like about your homeroom teacher? What don't you like about homeroom? What do you like about PE? What don't you like about PE? Who is your favorite friend, who is your least favorite friend and why?

I will give you an example from my experience: there was a boy who made a comment to me in PE about having "really big legs." It was just an off-handed comment, but it crushed me. From that day forward I would not wear shorts to gym. My parents wouldn't buy me sweatpants (I didn't tell them why I wanted sweatpants, I was too embarrassed). So every day I would tell my gym teacher that I forgot to bring my shorts. I would sit on the sidelines and watch everyone participate. I also failed gym. My parents did not know, so they didn't understand at all "how on earth can you fail PE!" and my father made me run a mile every night with him as punishment. Kids will endure a lot to keep what they consider an embarrassing secret.

Either way, consider putting Cassie in some extracurricular activities and let her make a life and friends for herself and not be dependent on sister as her best friend. Maybe talk with her teacher and see if there is a little girl that she gets along well with in class and invite her over for an after-school play-date or out to lunch some weekend. An ally is a great thing to have in elementary school!

Good luck to you both, I will keep you in my prayers.

Hi S.,

I'm so sorry! It's so hard to see your child feeling that way. Are there any changes in her life, i.e. a move, her BF moving or in a different class, home life changes? My daughters are 8 as well and in third grade. Last year one of my girls went through this exact thing. UUGGH...it was the worst school year of her young life and really affected her self confidence. Essentially, my daughter is very disciplined in the matter that she has a hard time when kids are not listening to the teacher and being really rowdy in class. Well that teacher was young and the class was chaotic. Add to the fact, she didn't know anyone and really didn't bond with anyone as well. In hind-sight, I should have made some changes. The good news is that this year she is doing GREAT with a new class and a new teacher! One thing I had to do last year was really limit my time going to the school since she would have a very hard time with me leaving. Sorry to ramble...a couple of possibilities is to find out if she has friends in the class. One idea is to have a play date once a week or so with one of the girls in the class so the two of them can get to know each other away from others. In regards to third grade, I am amazed about what I am hearing that is said by the kids and the cliques are starting to form. That could be hard for your daughter as well. If it is possible, try to have lunch with your daughter and go to lunch recess with her so that you can see and meet the other kids in her class. (I do that this year and then do copies and stuff for the teachers until school is out. My kids love knowing I am there.) Try to get her involved in extra-curriculiar activities so that 1) she can meet other kids and 2) increase her self confidence.

Hope this helps...if you want to talk, please feel free to e-mail me! (((HUGS)))

Have the older daughter write her letters and then your younger daughter will get to anticipate the arrival and get to write one back. I think it's more seperation from her sister than from you. The letters or phone calls may be the solution. Especially if you don't feel you are getting anywhere with the therapy. See if she'll tell you what wrong or what she is wanting and the two of you come up with a solution together. Don't assume you know what the fix is. I find that when I sit down with my son and talk with him he will eventually tell me what is wrong or what he is wanting so bad that he's upset. You never know it may be an easy fix. If she needs girl time, suggest once a week or once a month you and her only go to dinner or a salon or movie, etc.

Talk with her teacher to find out how she's doing in class. Sometimes kids will act out or do what Cassie's doing instead of telling mom what's really going on. Be a volunteer parent in her classroom or drop in at least once a week (not on the same day and without notice to Cassie and the teacher). NOTE: Keep the lines of communication open with her teacher. As for as her sister, allow her to talk to her sister; maybe every other day. She may tell sister what's going on. Siblings talk and tell each other things that they will never tell mom. God Bless.

Something might have happened at school, she was embarassed or talked badly to, by a classmate, also 3rd grade is some much harder than 2nd grade she could be feeling pressure and feeling overwhelmed with the new subject matters. I always reccommend asking what the teacher thinks might be going on as she sees your child so many hours during the day. Problem solve with the teacher, talk to your daughter one on one while you are treating her to something special on the weekend that she loves to do, her guard will be down when shes enjoying herself with you and be more apt to open up. She knows whats going on.

Good luck

I only have one child who is not quite two, so I cant come from the point of view of a mom. I can say, however, that I was 9 when my brother was shipped off to Japan while in the Navy. The best thing that helped me as a child was that I needed to "help" my brother by sending letters, pictures, etc. It helped me to cope with losing him. Here I was, all of 9, and thinking I have to do it for HIM when it was me I was doing it for. This is how my mother made it seem at the time. She made me focus on how alone he must have felt. It wasnt until years later that I realized that my mother was displacing my anxiety. It seemed to work. So, rather than focusing on how older sister is gone, focus on telling younger sister that she needs to help big sis not be alone. I think it makes young ones feel in control. Good luck to you and your children.
Margaret :)

S., I am the poster child for school anxiety. It is a rite of passage for the children in my family! It usually hits mine around 2nd grade.
I tried investigating every possible reason- bullying, teachers, stress over homework- everything. It is simply separation or school anxiety and all of my children got over it.
My oldest was the hardest. I took him to a great therapist, he went on Zoloft for a few months (and I hated that- I'm not one to use a drug to treat anything) and I worked daily with his teacher and school counselor. Many days I would leave him with the counselor in the mornings kicking and screaming. Then she would call me about 30 minutes later and tell me he was fine once I was gone. He was a very good boy in class but just had to get over me leaving. By 4th grade he was going with no problems and by 5th grade I barely got the wave from him in the morning! The counselor and I would laugh about it because he pretty much blew me off once he hit 5th grade and you would never have known he had the separation anxiety !
So hang in there. You are not alone- many many kids go through it and some are worse than others. He had a stomach ache every day for at least a year. One time he was even sick but I didn't believe him because I was kind of immune to his "stomach ache". He had a fever and threw up at school and then I REALLY felt bad!
So anyway, there are some anxiety herbs at Whole foods that you can buy- like rescue remedy and one is even in a can and it tastes like candy! So I bought those for my second child when she started having the "stomach aches." It really helped her and she never had to go to therapy or go on Zoloft.
My third child is now in 2nd grade and has had stomach aches pretty much every day since school started. so I just tell her she'll be fine and send her on her way. I guess by the third child you really get immune! :) but it sounds like yours might need a little therapy- the therapists are GREAT. They teach the kids to realize their anxieties and their stresses, and they teach them how to cope. Coping skills are VERY important if you have anxieties.
Good luck, and don't worry! Some day you, too, will get the "wave" in the morning, or the brush off when you try to hug them when you drop them off! It's bitter sweet!
L.

My daughters are 13 years apart with a brother in the middle. My youngest does have a special bond with her sister, and since my oldest moved out in April, the youngest doesn't like to sleep up stairs anymore, she waits till we are asleep and slips into our bed.
Luckily my oldest is still close by, and they see each other at least once a week. The youngest is always eager to see her big sis.
How are they keeping in touch? Explain to the oldest how hard is it on her sister. Try sending pictures or emails to each other, or frequent phone calls- they don't have to be long calls, just enough to feel like she is closer and hasn't forgotten about her little sis. Maybe something from her big sister to carry to school or sleep with (hey I might try that!) A piece of jewelry (I've seen charms that say Big Sis and Little Sis)or stuffed animal. Maybe some kind of count down to when her sister comes home on break, or planning ahead for that time. Maybe she would like putting together a college care package to send.
You might also have to do some of the sister things with her she misses, what do they do together? Movies, make-up, crafts?
I think its also scary to a 7 or 8 year old that they are going to grow up and move out some day also. Change is hard. Best wishes!

Cool, my name is Cassie too! Anyway, it's probably not necessarily seperation anxiety. If she started off doing fine in school and now all of a sudden makes herself ill so she can stay home i'm betting that it's something at school that she doesn't want to face. Maybe other kids are making fun of her, maybe she had an accident in class and is embarassed...something there is making her not want to go. I don't think you need therapy in that case, you need to ask her teachers whats up, if they noticed anything wrong and you need to talk to your daughter and get her to open up to you on the truth of why she doesn't like school anymore. It's probably something simple and all will be good again once you find out what it is.

I was bullied in school all the time and would make myself sick so I wouldn't have to go...however, when I stayed home my mom stuck me doing house chores all day. I finally told them that I was being bullied and they told me their advice for me. When I was really sick though my mom new and wouldn't stick me with chores. I didn't get to stay home and play, either I was really sick and in bed or I was not sick and doing chores. Maybe doing the same will either get her to fess up about what's wrong, or get her back to school.