My 6.5-year-old son has nighttime separation fears. He does not want to fall asleep, even with his 3 year old brother in the same bed, if my husband or I aren't nearby upstairs. He frequently comes to my room at night saying that he's scared and while he does truly have nightmares at times, this general "scared" complaint is happening more often. It seems he wakes and instead of turning over and falling back to sleep he's getting up for comfort. I love him and want him to feel that he can be comforted when he truly needs it, but I don't want him sleeping with us on a regular basis!
This morning he had an hour and a half long tantrum at 3 a.m. because he came to my room, woke me saying simply that he wanted to sleep in my bed and I refused. He made no mention of fear or a nightmare at all. My husband tried to walk him back to bed and told him he'd stay with him, but he wanted ME. I spent the night with him despite his continuing to tantrum that he wanted to sleep with me in MY bed, not his. I know that since we moved into our house a year ago from a much smaller apartment, he has struggled with feeling that he wants us physically closer in the house at night when we're upstairs. We tend to stay with him until he falls asleep or fold laundry right across the hall, but we just cannot do that every night. We leave hall lights on, there's a low-watt lamp that is on for a nightlight in the bedroom, a night light in the adjacent bathroom. We can hear the boys, and they can hear us even if we're downstairs as the stairs run up through the middle of the house. We have a very solid bedtime routine and there's been nothing unusual to disrupt it, but this problem seems to be building or at least, not showing any signs of going away! He has a dozen or so stuffed animals to cuddle, but that does not comfort him. His discomfort is very real and so discipline alone is not the answer. How can we reassure our son that he's safe and secure and make staying in his bed at night more appealing?! Thanks!
Thank you all SO much for your responses. The last few nights he has fallen asleep more quickly and has only wakened my husband to accompany him to the bathroom... no complaints of fear. I think this is something that will pass, but I really like the systematic approach that Priscilla outlined ad the suggestion to talk and get HIM to talk about it during the day. I still believe the fears are real, but offering some incentive to stay in bed, along with talking about and dispelling those fears is the way to go. I'm willing to do what I can to make sure he feels comfortable and secure, but he has to be willing to try, too! He's also recently been having anxiety around the work he is now expected to do in first grade, so we're working on talking about that on a daily basis too and trying to strategize ways to manage that "fear". Thanks to everyone who took the time to respond!
Sounds more like you're in denial and he's using it to get what he wants. He has his stuffed things to cuddle and know where you're at, at all times. He's using your love and sympathy to get-to-you...and it's working. Toughen up mommy. 6 year olds are like reentering the terriable 2s only now they KNOW what they're doing when they're doing it. Good luck
I understand that it's hard to not let him sleep with you because as a parent you want to comfort them. My daughters three but goes through this. I'm ok with my daughter sleeping in our bed for 1 night a week if she needs it but after that she has to sleep on the floor if she wants to be in our room. For us that does the trick because it's not so comfy. I just remember as a kid( and i was probably older then 6) the fear I had at night and always felt better being with my parents. Now i have a friend who took a year to transition her kid out of her bed so you don't want to get to that point. She got her kid sleeping back in her own bed by having the "bedtime fairy" leave presents when she slept in her bed through the night. It's been 2 weeks and shes in her room all night now. Good luck!
It sounds like a complex problem you have. First of all, your son is old enough to know what he's doing and very well may be working you. Yet, I'm hearing evidence of a life transition that could be a justifiable root cause; the move from a small apartment to a larger house. I'm wondering if he manifests his discomfort in other ways? Is he anxious at school? has his teacher noticed anything?
My first thought is that at 6.5 years old, he should be able to articulate his feelings and pehaps even strategize with you for more reasonable soloutions. I will often engage my 5 & 7 year old in conversation about behaviors that need to change and why.
"It's important that you learn to do --x-- instead of --y--. What do you think would help you be able to do that?"
My kids are fully aware that when they go to sleep is when Mom & Dad do their "homework". So we simply cannot stay with them all night.
Also, I will say, I am an advocate of using sibling responsibilty as a tool for personal growth. Stay firm on keeping him in his room for bed time. He needs to "set a good example for his brother". But then ask him, "where do I need to be tonight until you go to sleep?" each night, urge him to allow you to be further away.
as for the middle of the night visits; perhaps you can get him to agree to move out of your bed in stages.
Stage 1 - he can come to the room, but has to stay in a rocker/chair or in a sleeping bag on the floor.
Stage 2 - he can come in and talk to you but must return to the sleeping bag in the hallway.
Eventually, his bed becomes the much better option and he will return to it.
Finally, I know that I once saw a 2-way baby monitor and thought it was a great idea. But you could use a set of walkie talkies for the same purpose. This way he could stay in his room but still be able to talk to you wherever you may be in the house.
Bottom line, I think he may just need some time to adjust to his new spacial/spacious surroundings. Eventually, he will not need your physical closeness to feel connected.
Good Luck
Working-married mom of 3 energetic children ages 7, 5 and 2.75.
I know you are afraid that once he sees how nice it is in your bed he will never want to go back but you need to balance that fear with showing him caring support while he struggles with something that obviously is difficult for him. If you show him you are there for him when he struggles at night for a few weeks, is it possible that he will be reassured that his parents will help him no matter what? Do you think that will make him more amenable to gradually getting back into his own room? Only you and your husband can answer these questions.
My kids are 14, 12 and 5. In my experience, they go thru periods sometimes when they struggle and seem to need you a lot at night. You don't say how long your son has been waking with nightmares and coming into your room. If it hasn't been too long, I would let him come into bed with you as long as you can sleep too. If it has been going for more than a few weeks and shows no sign of abating then I think you do have to strategize about finding a solution.
My kids sometimes came in at night and my five year old still does sometimes. He comes in and gets next to my husband (who sleeps more solidly than me) and after 15 minutes or so goes back to his own room. The reason I don't worry about it is because we made an effort with all three to teach them to sleep independently in their own rooms from the time they were babies, so short periods of neediness seemed OK.
Anyway, I don't want to sound preachy. These issues are hard to handle!! There is no one right answer. Good Luck!
I feel for you , I have a 3 year old - heading on the same path! :( I'm sad to hear they don't grow out of it.... You are obviously trying to do all you can for him, poor guy.
Give him a flashlight to play with (especially during the day in a darkened room) to help overcome fear of the dark.
Give him a spray bottle filled with "monster spray" so he can shoot the monsters if they come out.
Record a tape of favorite stories and songs that he can turn on whenever he is feeling alone or afraid (it is best if the recording is of your voice).
Give him a stuffed animal as big as he is to sleep with.
Ask him for suggestions.
If the primary reason your child wants to sleep with you is night time fears, you may be able to switch him into his own bed as soon as he has the tools to cope with his fears. GOOD LUCK
My heart goes out to him. Change is very hard! I would say, talk, talk, talk to him about his feelings, his dreams, what he feels like when he wants you, his fears. He is having a really hard time and talking about it will help him and help create a trust for you both in the future when he won't be as quick to come to you with his fears and discomforts as a teen. Teach him now that that is a helpful to talk and that he can talk to his mom (and dad) about his feelings.(During the day :) Ask him if there are things he misses about his old room (ideas to help him feel safe in his new one). FYI: I used to have really bad dreams about my parents dying when I was young and for a long time I felt the need to sleep with them or check on them in the night. Dreams can seem so real! It passed, and they are only young and wanting you for such a short time! Don't be afraid to be there for him, he will get past this.
perhaps you could try LED bed effects at lakeside.com its a light- you pick the color and it goes under the bed to keep the monsters away- or you could just say to help ward off bad dreams. Its great to have a bed time routine. tell him the rules at bedtime and the consequences if he gets up- and use a reward system if he stays in bed all night and I would recommend not to stay with him. my nephew is 13 and still can not sleep by himself.
