5Yr Old Tantrums

I found with my daughter that when I walk away from her or ave her throw a tantrum in her room they end much faster. I often thought that when I responded to her, even negatively, she got what she wanted so when I walked away, she was somewhat confused. Eventually she decided that the tantrum was no longer beneficial for her. She's now seven and occasionally she still has one but I send her to her room to calm down and it only takes a couple of minutes before she is back and apologizing.

If you do not pay attention to her(ignoring that is), she will see, that it no longer is working, all she is looking for is attention. she will try something more appropriate.

I know you know not to do anything to make it pay off. If you're at home, as hard as it is to stand it, I would just let her keep on having a fit until she wears herself out on the floor or bed or wherever she is. If it's getting on your nerves too much, take her to the room and tell her she can come out when she calms down. Then when she does calm down, talk to her about how she is only hurting herself when she keeps getting angrier and crying more. Tell her you have to decide what's best for her because you are her mother and when you decide, she just needs to accept it. Don't lose it; just go outside to breath if it gets too unpleasant in there. Good luck. Nancy W

A great parenting technique can be found at www.loveandlogic.com. I remember on a yahoo group (Becoming a Love and Logic Parent) that I'm on, people have done various things and they have worked great. You can read the book that is the appropriate age for your daughter and you'll actually get scenarios and exactly what was said, word for word, and what you do and the child does. It's an awesome way to parent. There is no getting angry, yelling, etc., the biggest key is Empathy.

Now having said that, I remember some have asked the kid (if they are at home) to go to their room because no one wants to hear it, but that she can scream all she wants in there. "Uh oh, sounds like you need to go to your room and do it all you want in there." Other times, the parents are funny, like, "Oh, you can do better than that...do it like this". Then you as the parent show her the 'better' way to tantrum. Usually this stops them and actually makes them crack a smile. Others will schedule an outing with the family (without the child...child doesn't know it yet). Let's say they are going to go to get an ice cream cone or to the zoo. Everyone is getting ready to go and she thinks she is going. Sadly, and with GREAT EMPATHY (the key here) you tell her that "oh how sad, you aren't going to be able to go". She'll of course start to cry, fuss, scream, and ask "why not?!". "Well, I can't trust you to not have a meltdown/tantrum while we are out. Oh, I wish you could go, but sadly you can't." She'll probably beg and plead, etc., but you'll sound like a broken record with great empathy and never lose your cool. She may or may not ask who will be staying with her. You've already arranged ahead of time someone staying with her. You'll tell her that such and such will be staying with her while you are gone and then tell her that she charges a certain amount and that the babysitter will be asking her how she is going to pay. Tell her that she'll need to be thinking about how she is going to pay. Leave it at that and continue to get ready, if you haven't finished getting ready. The other key here is to make her use her brain and not you. Sometimes, we as parents do WAY too much thinking for our children and not letting them rack their brains and do the thinking instead. If she comes up with how to pay her, then great...more than likely she won't because this is her first time. You can tell her that "if you need suggestions, I have a idea. Just let me know." The suggestions would be that she pays money...more than likely she won't have it. So, then she could do some extra chores for the babysitter or around the house for you and then you pay her. Let her think about it. (Now, I'm not saying that they aren't going to resist. They wouldn't be normal children if they didn't try to resist. But this way, it does let you win, so to speak, and the child becomes more reponsible for their behavior and actions.)

Anyway, it's basically like this. Love and Logic raises kids to be responsible adults. You give THEM as many choices as you can give them throughout the day, so they will feel like they have a little bit of control in their life and then they won't resist so much. (Would you like to wear the blue shirt or the red shirt?) I could go on and on and basically type the book (which I don't have here...a friend is borrowing it.) It actually makes parenting fun and makes you hope that your child will do something one day so you can try it out! :0) Good luck!

Have you looked into gentle discipline. Try reading the book "easy to love, difficult to discipline" I see you are a hard working mom but this book has helped me wonders as far as curbing tantrums goes. It would be a great investment of time and money

We do role play in the car before we get to somewhere. My husband laughs but it works! The kids know what is expected of them before it even happens. For instance, ok guys we are just about to get to our friends house to play, what do you do when it is time to leave? We help put away the toys and tell our friends thank you having us. Do we whine? NO. Do we say we don't want to go? No. Why? Because then we won't be able to go again. The grocery store is the same thing except for I add, things about no running or touching or asking for stuff. If they are well behaved I usually offer a treat at home. Have fun.

My daughter does this sometimes too. With her, it happens mostly when she's overtired, usually over something silly like her brother won't play the game she wants to play. Especially after school. I just send her to her room until she calms down. She'll yell and scream and bang around up there. Any intervention I try just escalates things, so I wait until she's calm before I try to talk to her about better ways she could handle the situation. Needless to say, never give in to her "demands" when she does this! Make sure she's getting enough sleep!

Tell her she needs to get some selfcontrol, have her sit down with her hands on her lap , stay quiet and take deep breathes. Tell her that after she gets her self under control then you will talk to her. But everytime she moves her hands or talks then you will add 30 sec, to the time. My son is 3 and we use this methiod , we do it for 3 mins. If you dont want to try that send her to her room until she's ready to act like a 5 yr old and not like a 2 yr old. ( telling mine they are acting like a baby and not a big boy/girl usually helps my case)

Good day,C. sorry i kno the hardships this can cret when you go shopping, church, etc. My 1st child did this & my mother-in-law told me hey baby don't stress out we'll figure it out; well we did when he was with grandparents he ate allot of sweets, this seemed to trigger these tantrums; also our pediatrians told us, "well in stead of geting all stressed out, don't even scold him, but just say hey, i am leaving now if you want you can go with me, & act like you are leaving, this was SO HARD TO DO, but finally I did & when he found out I was serious about leaving him in wal-mart on the floor, the tantrums ceased. Don't know if you would try or not but limiting sugars, & ignoring him sure did help us allot, Let me know how you are doing. D.

If she were younger I would suggest ignoring her during her tantrums. I do realize at that age they are a little hard to ignore. I have had the same problem with both of my children.
My son will be 9 this month and my daughter is 4. With both of them; when they realized that I didn't give in to their demands; they stopped. It did take a while for them to realize this but it eventually worked. I also spent many nights on my knees praying over the situation.

As a mother of 5 and grandmother of 17 I feel I am qualified to give you some insight. A child has a tantrum to get attention, it is her way of stomping her foot and demanding. DO NOT give her any attention whatsoever. Do not speak to her to tell her to stop, do not punish her (a child will want attention even if it negative)ignore her. At first she will get louder, more violent,throw things, etc., anything to get your attention. Continue to ignore her. Go about your day as if she is sitting quietly playing. After a few days she will stop having tantrums because she will not be getting the desired results. It requires nerves of steel for those few days but the days ahead with no tantrums will be worth it. Good luck.

My 4 yr ol (5 in 7 days) does this also and mine acts like that b/c he see's his baby brother getting attended to and his way from whinning when hungry or w/e so he thinks it's ok to do that also.I have yet to stop it but it is getting better by me spending alone time with him and explaining how much mommy loves having him act like a big boy and how hard it is on mommy when he acts like his brother.I tell him how important it is for his to show his brother how to act.The times that doesn't work I take away his movie at bedtime.

Hello, Your daughter is seeking your attention just for herself. Take a day for a reward for being good and take her to the park, zoo or some place she loves to go.Her behavior should change when she knows you have eyes for only her!

Hi C.~
Dealing with tantrums is no fun and I feel your frustration.
My best advice and what has worked for me is to walk away and give the tantrum NO ATTENTION AT ALL. Act as though she hasn't made a sound. At first she will get even more upset. Just DON'T REACT AT ALL. Kids can read us better than you think. After a while she'll calm down and come to you with sadness. THEN you can calmly explain that you love her and want the best for her and that those actions aren't acceptable behavior. You understand her frustrations with not getting her way but there will be many times in life when we don't get what we want and we have to find a better way of dealing with our frustrations. Then give her some ideas of how she could have better delt with the situation.
It will take some time, but if you stick with this concept she it will work.

HTH,
C.

My daughter used to do this too. Screaming at the top of her lungs, kicking, ranting and raving!! When she acted like this I would send her to her bed and she couldn't come out of her room till she had calmed down and was ready to talk to me about what ever had made her so upset. Basicly what the fits boiled down to was that she was either afraid or didn't know how to tell me when she was mad at me or her step dad for not letting her have what she wanted. So her and I discussed different ways she could express herself when she was unhappy without being mean or throwing a fit. I gave her words to use like mad and what it feels like to be mad and that it's ok to feel mad about things that don't make us happy. After a few trials and tribulations, she learned how to express herslef using words instead of actions. Now she is hitting the Tween stage so I'm in for another crazy ride!!

Good luck!
S.

PRAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

C., continue to pray hard. Pray for wisdom on how to handle her as an individual. She has to know you mean business. I'll be praying for you too. I have a 6,4,2, and 2 month old so I feel you.

S.

Sweetheart, I don't know what the soultion is ,but when you find an answer that works please let everyone know. Especially me! I am a grandmother that is trying to rear, a 5yr old boy, who suffers from the same malliady. He also can push you to the limit. I lose all control of him when we atten church,or any other funtion, where there is no other children his age to send him away with.

My kids do that sometimes also. The only thing that works for me is to turn the other cheek. I still watch them of course to make sure they don't hurt themselves or break anything but they don't know it. I just pretend to ignore it. It gets worse before it gets better, but for the most part they have to find another way to get my attention for the things they want. I personally started with chores. For example when my six year old wants a piece of candy I tell him he can have it as soon as he finishes his homework or picks up his toys. Your daughter might have a different motivation. Hope that helps.

I have always thought, to make sure she is safe and then ignore her, often when a child has tantrums she is seeking some sort of reaction and attention, whether it be positive or negative, when she sees she does not get additional attention or a reaction maybe they will taper off. Good luck.