5 Yr Old Daughter Is Very Glass Half Empty Kind of Girl! Help!

I have had some similar problems with my 5-yr-old son. It could be that your daughter is a very sensitive child and so she experiences life's little disappointments as huge problems. Try changing the way you speak to her -- try to always point out the bright side and talk up her own strengths and talents.

Engage her in finding solutions or alternatives when things go wrong. Praise her ability to come up with new ideas. Set a good example by showing your own resilience and good mood in the face of disappointment or stress. Maybe you are handling stress well on the inside, but she is not SEEING how it's done. Verbalize your thought-process when you deal with life's hassles.

Talk about it. Put her negativity out on the table and ask her what she wants to do about it. She might surprise you with some answers.

I'm sure there are plenty of books out there about sensitive or difficult children. I would look into that -- and of course there's the basics: make sure she eats right and gets plenty of sleep and has time to unwind and relax after school.

Failing all of this, I would run it by her pediatrician and see what s/he thinks. Best of luck!

Melanie,

You have received some very good opinions already but there is another thing you might want to think about. It sounds to me like your daughter is exercising her power to control you. She has already learned how to manipulate you to a certain extent (which all kids do -- it's natural). Try to remember that she is the child and you are the parent. Not everything has to be her way or nothing. If she continues to have you buffer her disappointments, cater to her whims and jump through hoops to do things her way she will be a very demanding, manipulative young person and get more so as the years pass.

Sorry I don't have step by step instructions for you to follow to turn the behavior around. Like I said, you have received some very good advice already. Just wanted you to look at it from the perspective of the effect that allowing it to continue will have on everyone around her during her entire growing up period and even adulthood.

Good luck! Raising children is seldom easy but sure is worth it.

well here are my thoughts...first, the way she was with the girls day, i really feel strongly this is an attention thing. this may be just me, but i would play with her. it sounds like maybe after a long day at school she just wants some time with mom. my son gets really whiny and bored in the evenings, and sometimes i just have to STOP what i'm doing, whether it's making dinner, doing chores, or playing on the computer trying to relax, and get down on the floor with him. all he wants is some time from me. it sounds like to me that she's just wanting some attention, and probably acting out as a way to get it, we all know kids act out to get attention even if it's negative attention. think about it - when she throws a fit about her socks, you stop what you're doing, talk to her, try to reason with her, help her clean her toes, etc. that's the attention she's wanting.

my S. thought about the socks is, put your foot down (no pun intended!) my son does this sometimes too, just refusing "that" pair for whatever reason, then he'll pick another pair and those aren't good enough either...BS! socks are socks (he usually does it with his underwear) put them on and that's the end of it. i would recommend timeouts to curb this - with the way she is about attention i bet it will nip it in the bud if she spends a few minutes alone with no interaction or attention. she'll probably be ready to put her socks on after that.

as far as not wanting her to be disappointed, i would start working on that...kids need to learn how to deal with disappointment. it's part of life. tell her what the plans are, if you're excited about something fun, share it with her. if you're worried something might happen, let her know, "i hope it doesn't rain" (or whatever), "i'd be sad if we couldn't go...but we'd find something else fun to do wouldn't we?" keep it positive. don't keep her in the dark, "afraid" because something might happen...let life happen and enjoy whatever comes. kids do get disappointed, but if you think back, maybe your distress over her disappointment might have made the situation worse. instead of trying to "protect" her from disappointment, teach her how to deal with it and go on. she'll benefit from that lesson later! remember our #1 job as moms is to be teachers. it's our job to teach them how to get along in this world.

just my two cents...oh (sorry, i ramble!) and as far as playing with her, don't forget to involve your son as well...teach them how to play together, games they can both play, etc. i'm not saying put everything on hold every night to do nothing but play with the kids, but you'd be surprised how big a difference it can make, even just 30 minutes of undivided attention.

Wow you've gotten some really good advice here so I'm going to address some things I didn't see. First, I'm gathering that your daughter is the first born if I'm correct? Having been a first born (and only child) I can tell you that we are MUCH more sensitive people. To the point of being overly sensitive. When I was a child (until I was going into 3rd grade and we moved) I was pretty much an after thought to my parents. Sure they fed me and clothed me but the snuggling and cuddling only happened as my mom was putting me to bed. I vowed it wouldn't be that way with my kids. We have a very loving relationship where I hug and communicate I love them every chance I get. Now, that doesn't mean that my son (the eldest) won't go all super-sensitive on me at times...at those times (he's 6) I just pull him into my lap and we have a very close conversation about what has happened and what he is feeling. I let him know I care and honestly tell him when I think he is overreacting. I give him constructive criticism of how to arm himself to not let these types of situations happen again..."what would you say if..." "how could you have handled that better"...etc. I have found having these types of conversations and taking the time from my busy hectic schedule to do it has helped him have more self-confidence in himself and made him more empathetic to his fellow students.

As for the sock issue I would impose the 1-2-3 magic rules of engagement. Yeah, some kids have sensory issues and I'm not making light of them by any means but I would have thought if she did have sensory issues it would have manifested in something else in addition to the socks. Like you said in your posting, the socks were fine a week ago. So in my humble opinion, she's manipulating you. If she's not going to put the socks on, send her to school sockless. Or stick a pair in her backpack and shove her out the door. Sometimes, you just have to call their bluff!

I think you need to work on the handling of rejection better. There is no need to not enjoy a surprise...call her best friend's mom and set up a play date to go someplace cool (Chuck E Cheese's, play place, bounce house, etc.). Tell her to get dressed, go pick up the friend (which will be a surprise) put a DVD on in the car so they are ocupied and take them to the place. Don't tell them, don't let the BF mom tell her daughter where you're going... she will learn from repetitive experiences that surprises can be good AND fun. Yes, bad things could still happen (someone gets hurt, food spills, etc.) but it's up to YOU to teach her that it's no big deal and shouldn't spoil the whole day. This where you say would you rather go back out and play some more or just go home? Going home isn't really fun but hanging around here with your BF is...so what will it be?

As for the playgroup...give it up. I was in a Parents as Teachers playgroup where the other kids weren't social with my kids...heck if I know why, so we quit going. It wasn't worth the self esteem issues my kids were going to acquire just to go to a playgroup that wasn't interested in playing with them...take her to a park or someplace else with plenty of other kids...when I did that, my kids did fine. In fact, sometimes I would take a toy that would LURE other kids to want to be with my kids. Sneaky, but effective for the super sensitive self-conscious kid.

I was a kid who begged my mom to make me friends when we moved. I went from being the socialite in my 2nd grade class to being the priahia of my 3rd grade class simply from a move. It's DEVASTAIING...BUT how YOU handle her will make all the difference. I came home everyday to cookies and conversation with my mom which helped me work through my problems...she was my biggest cheerleader and having someone like that backing you just automatically gives you more confidence than you can ever imagine. I'm not saying you don't do this with your daughter but perhaps it needs to be stepped up. My son goes through ups and downs...there are days where he wants nothing to do with me...then all of a sudden we need "mommy time" and "snuggle time". I relish every minute of it because I KNOW how fleeting these moments are. Enjoy them and use them to yours and your daughter's best advantage!

The sock thing - some kids have sensory issue, espcialy with socks and underwear. Try turning her socks inside out. hat way the offending part isn't bothering her feet. Otherwise try socks without a seam accross the toe. Try differant material of socks, cotton, polyester. Maybe even try tights and see how they feel.

Bored thing - Make a choices board. Take 3X5 cards and right the name (and maybe pictures) of differant activities she has available. Then when she comes to you saying she is bored give her two or three choices. This will help her move from one activity to another. I also recommend as much outdoor play and large motor activity as you can squeeze into your schedule.

My oldest son had some, although not all of those issues. The thing that caught my attention was the socks. He used to complain about his socks "not feeling right". He also would not wear anything with a collar because that felt bad, and he wouldn't wear jeans until he was in fourth grade because the zipper hurt. He seemed very sensitive to those things. He also got bored very easily. I really do think having siblings helped him grow out of some of it. Although I think, at the time, he would have preferred to be an only child, having to deal with other people in the household did seem to help in the long run.
He always did well in school until high school. I did begin to wonder then if he was ADD. I did try to persue it, but at that age, teachers and doctors alike aren't too concerned about it. I still wonder if maybe he was all along and we just never caught it because he was bright. However, I'm not sure how I would have felt about medicating him. I can tell you that although he was a late bloomer in many ways (he just graduated from college at age 24), he is a perfectly well adjusted, productive member of society now. He says of himself though that he has a very short attention span. But, it hasn't seemed to hold him back.
Oh, and the clothing issue just went away about fourth grade. I think the pressure to look a certain way started to override the other issues. I'm not sure if that's good or bad! But, he doesn't even remember what bothered him about it now. As a matter of fact, he's a pretty sharp dresser now!
He did also struggle with sleep issues. He used to worry a lot about someone breaking into the house. We never could figure out where that fear came from. I'm not sure if that was why bedtime was always a struggle, or if he's just wired to prefer late nights.
I hope some of this helps you. I just wanted to let you know that just because your child has some issues, it doesn't mean they will follow them into adult life.

My son has been very similar in many respects. Not sure if this is helpful, but here are some ideas:
1) "pick your battles" is very hard for me to follow usually, but really the only way i got through the sock wars. My son just hated wearing them (still does). Finally I said fine, as long as it wasnt cold outside he didnt have to wear them. But if his shoes get torn up or stinky because of it, and we have to replace them before he outgrows them then it comes out of his allowance and he pays for them. And it only took once of not wearing socks with snow outside for him to not argue when its cold :) You can also pick her the fuzzy boots for winter if that doesnt work - those are warm without socks.
2) Distraction can work sometimes - make a game in the morning between both kids. Whoever is ready to go (which includes socks/shoes) and waiting by the door first gets to blow bubbles in the car or smiley pancakes or something.
3) I truly hate that disappointment thing... we had many issues with that - birthday parties, one friend who always cancelled or showed up then wanted to leave etc. Not telling them is difficult, but dealing with the meltdown is hard too. My compromise (which "usuallY' worked) was to tell him but with a caveat... like "Jenny might come over today, but if she doesnt how about we have a picnic for dinner?" Basically tell them about it but in a way that makes it not a firm thing, and have an alternative for them to focus on so they know its not just a big void to dwell on...
4) When my son was about 11 he started getting clingy. We talked about it and he said he was having "thoughts" where he imagined something like we died and it upset him but he couldnt stop thinking about it. That was SOO hard to listen to, I felt so bad for him. We talked about some ways to deal with it (letting me know when he was having them, start going to church again).He also said he wanted to start playing sports (he never had wanted to) so he could feel like a normal kid. We ended up making a "game plan" to help him deal with it. I dont think your daughter has the same concerns, but maybe you could make a "game plan" with her. When she feels lonely, she could have a list of things to do about it - 1) have a specific memory she can think about (fun day at the beach etc) and imagine the colors and all... 2) have a special doll with your picture over the face :) that she can bring to bed and talk to about her day... etc concrete things she can do besides clinging to you.
5) I *HATE* the words "Im bored"! Kids really do not know how to entertain themselves anymore, and my son has troubel with a 15 minute car ride! You can try the staples of course -- "Oh, you are bored? Well, if you have nothing else to do, then you can go sweep the porch for me since I dont have time. That would be a HUGE help for me, thanks for volunteering!" - give them chores! If that doesnt work, Or combine the "im bored" with the "im lonely" solution and have her make memory books or boards - a little scrapbook of special days she can look at when she is bored or lonely to help her remember and picture it. It can be as simple as a piece of construction paper with a photo pasted to it and she draws or writes around it. Make a stack of those.

Good luck, I will be reading other answers for ideas :)

As for the sock thing, you said she'd worn these before with no complaints so just say pick your socks today and tell her no complaints and be firm with that. That is for attention and you taking time with her about it. My thinking is that she is needing more time with you or the family together doing things and needs to not feel she has to be off in her room after being gone to school part of the day. Maybe she can play more with her brother or you could have a time to do something she really likes such as reading or playing a game, etc. with her before she needs to play on her own. Kids do need to entertain themselves too but then again she may need more time with people and since some people feel love by gifts, some by words, some by actions etc., etc. maybe she needs to be with you to feel love and not be lonely. Try to assure her and then send her off to play alone. She may truly feel lonely.

I wonder if the sock thing could be a sensory issue. Have you tried turning them wrong side out? I have the hardest time getting socks that my four-year old son will wear. When I was that age, I had one pair of shoes that I would wear because the others I did not like the feel of. It could be something like this going on.

As for getting bored. I'm sure a lot of it does have to do with school. She is growing accustomed to having her days planned for her. All too often, we plan so many activities that our children do not know how to be independent or even interdependent learners. Just keep pushing her own creativity. It's important for kids to be able to think for themselves on some things.

K.

What you are experiencing is the classic example of the nature vs nurture existance. I assume that you enjoy looking at life in a positive way. You chose to stay home with your daughter, so you obviously value her and put her in high regard. She is smart and you respect her enough to try and make things right like cutting her toe nails and letting her pick different socks. All that aside, she remains somewhat negative. It's a personality thing. You can't change everyone the way you want or as fast as you want. You can little by little explain to her how to reframe things. Almost any situation in life can be looked at in different ways until something postive can be said about it. But feeling that and doing it automatically just doesn't happen for a lot of people. I know that I personally struggle very hard with that. I tend to look at things half empty until I hear myself. Then I reframe the thing in my mind and find the positive. Sometimes people tell me I am so positive that I have made a positive impact on them. My family would debate that and so would others that have run into me when I am in my negative phase.

As far as being lonely...heck yeah she's lonely. People don't like to be alone. That's why it's always nicer to have multiple children. When you have a boy and a girl I suppose it's different than what I am used to. I have 4 daughters. My daughters grew up very close. Our youngest is 10 years younger than the 3rd daughter and 16 years younger than our first. So she's basically an only child. My daycare helps her to not feel so lonely. But sometimes she's still lonely right in the midst of everyone here because I put so much attention into the daycare.

I guess I'm just saying hang in there. She sounds like a good girl :)

Suzi