I have a 5 yr old little boy. Back in 2004 my dad passed away and he and my son were very close. Since my sons father is not in the picture, my son saw my dad as his own. My father died of esophogial cancer which is a very painful way to die. Unfortunately we lived with my father in ALabama where he died. My son saw alot and even though everyone told me he would forget about alot of it, he still has nightmares and asks about my dad alot. Especially when he is sick. My cousin lives in Alabam still and has requested that my 5 yr come to visit them this sommer. I would love for him to go visit his family, but, when I told him he may be going he automatically asumed he was going to alabam to see his paw-paw in heaven. I tried to explain to him that was not the case. I just don't want him going to ALabam with the expectation that my dad will still be there. Also my son now has alot of anger problems because of some things we went through near and after my fathers death. Please I need some advise on how to handle the Alabama thing and his anger problems.
You'd be going with him, right? Can he visit your dad's grave or anything like that? I'd just explain to him again that he's not there, that he can't go to heaven, etc. And if he doesn't get it, he will learn once he gets there. I think it could be a great learning experience for him.
As for the anger issues, I'd have to know more to really commen ton that, but I have a high needs/ spirited 5yr old myself and he can be very challenging.
Wow, I don't have any wonderful advice for you, but I just lost my mama to cancer of the lung and esophagus. I'm so sorry. We had to scatter her ashes in Alabama....another coincidence. My children, and all of the other little grandchildren wrote letters to her, attatched them to balloons, and sent them up to heaven. As they did this, her oldest daughter explained to all of them that she was very ill, and even though her body was not here anymore, her spirit was in heaven, and that she loved them all very much. It was painful and tearful, but everybody seems to be doing alright now.
I read this on www.everydayhealth.com I know what you are going through, because my 7yr old lost his father when he was 3yrs old, and even 4 years later he still says stuff about him. I don't know if the article will help but it's a place to start. I will keep you in my prayers because I also know how hard it is to be a single parent.
Everyday Tips
After a Trauma: Help for Kids at Any Age
Kids coping with a traumatic event will need your help in healing no matter how old they are.
After being exposed to a disaster or traumatic event, children are likely to show signs of stress. The signs can include sadness and anxiety, outbursts and tantrums, aggressive behavior, a return to earlier behavior that was outgrown, stomachaches and headaches, and an ongoing desire to stay home from school or away from friends. These reactions are normal and usually do not last long. Whether your child is a preschooler, adolescent, or somewhere in between, you can help your child by following the suggestions below:
Preschooler
Stick to regular family routines as much as possible.
Make an extra effort to provide comfort and reassurance.
Avoid unnecessary separations.
Permit a child to sleep in the parents' room temporarily.
Encourage expression of feelings and emotions through play, drawing, puppet shows, and story telling.
Limit media exposure.
Develop a safety plan for future incidents.
Elementary Age Children
Provide extra attention and consideration.
Set gentle but firm limits for acting out behavior.
Listen to a child's repeated telling of his/her trauma experience.
Encourage expression of thoughts and feelings through conversation and play.
Provide home chores and rehabilitation activities that are structured, but not too demanding.
Rehearse safety measures for future incidents.
Point out kind deeds and the ways in which people helped each other during the disaster or traumatic event.
Pre-adolescents and Adolescents
Provide extra attention and consideration.
Be there to listen to your children, but don't force them to talk about feelings and emotions.
Encourage discussion of trauma experiences among peers.
Promote involvement with community recovery work.
Urge participation in physical activities.
Encourage resumption of regular social and recreational activities.
Rehearse family safety measures for future incidents.
It is important to remember that you do not have to "fix" how your child feels. Instead, focus on helping your child understand and deal with his or her experiences. Healing is an evolving state for most children, but some may need professional help.
If signs of stress do not subside after a few weeks, or if they get worse, consider consulting a mental health professional who has special training in working with children. In time and with help, your children will learn that life does go on.
I took my son to Christian counseling, free through the church, when he was dealing with a lot of the same problems. He, too, lost someone very close to him at a young age. The counseling worked very well, you may try something like this. We also bought my son a book called Someone I love Died and he reads it a lot, it has blanks that you fill in with the deceased persons information (name, favorite things, etc) and tells about the person leaving the human body and living in heaven with God. A friend of mine found the book online, I bet you could order it through Amazon.com for not too much money.
first and foremost, i am very sorry for you and your sons loss. my grandma died a year ago in march and my 9 year old was extrememly close to her. i was extrememly close to her. i still don't know exactly what affect it's had on her because she seems okay most of the time but sometimes, there's something. i wanted to get her into a support group the have for children who have lost someone but at the time they said it was too soon. it takes more than six months for them to know how a child is affected. since he's angry and doesn't yet understand maybe you should look into getting him into a support group. they don't really sugarcoat things though which had me worried when i called. like we say "it's a loss" they say "grandpa died and he won't be coming back". at the funeral homes they have pamplets and there are numbers. even in the obituaries i think. really try to look into this. if his problems aren't because of your fathers death, it could still help him to understand and maybe next year he could go visit. if our hearts still hurt.... imaging theirs. i'll be praying for you son. god bless you and good luck.
Wow, Sorry to hear about your loss, but don't try to rush him to forget about his paw-paw. He needs to do this on his own in his own time. It is natural that he misses him and ask about him frequently. You should not make him feel bad or guilty about his feelings....I know you don't but just remember his is merely 5yrs old and doesn't understand death just yet, hey most grown ups have a heard time with it too. Have you explained to him that death is the end of a persons physical body here on earth but that his paw paw is in heaven and can stay in his heart forever.??? Explain to him that his grandfather is not in Alabama anymore, that he went to stay with God in heaven. If you think the trip will be too difficult for him you shouldn't feel like you need to send him. You have to be very clear and direct with children. If you lie to them to spare their feelings you are only making it more difficult for them in the long run. I totally agree with the person who wrote for you to give him chores or activities to do. Keeping his mind occupied with other things is great advice. It is like us grown ups. If we just sit all day and dwell on the sad situation we will never get over it. Best of luck to you and God Bless.
