4.5 Year Old Needs a "Adult" in the Room at All Times, Help!

K., I think she sounds pretty normal. Has she done anything away from you? Like Mother's Day Out? Pre-K? Date night?

Sometimes kids just expect total access. It's up to you to draw the line. I drew the line at the bathroom when they kids were about this age because it's just not necessary for them to come watch.

Sometimes it's hard because they stand at the door and bang and bang and bang and scream but if you do it consistently they eventually get tired of it and stop.

K.,

Welcome to mamapedia!!

Why have you allowed this to go on for 6 months?

Why was she allowed to watch Youtube at 4??? Why are not screening what she watches???

If a doll came to life in a clip and she's afraid? Have you thought about removing all the dolls from her room so that she won't be afraid of that anymore??

She MUST be sleeping in her bed. You need to be firm on this. This is HER space. Remove the dolls and make her room a sanctuary so that she feels comfortable and safe in her own room.

How do you address her fears of talking dolls and moving? Has there been discussions about buying a bigger home?? IF so - how have you addressed that??

You need to reiterate to your daughter that she IS SAFE. You are not going to willingly leave her. She follows you to the bathroom?? Make her wait outside the door. Tell her that she can talk to you through the door.

I would STRONGLY suggest you get some parenting classes under your belt. If you don't want classes?? go to the library and borrow books on parenting.

Good luck!

Sometimes fear is fear and sometimes it is just a cover for a call for attention or affection.

At around 4.5 my son got in the habit of saying "there is something in my eye" which of course would have me stop and look. I did so matter of factly and every single time, and soon enough he dropped that ploy.

Best
F. B.

i guess you're paying the price for letting a very small child watch youtube without supervision.
6 months is too long for this to be an issue, though. if your daughter has been traumatized to the point that she's still this terrified of the world this much time later, you need to get her in therapy pronto, and you need to take some parenting classes and learn how to create safe space for your child while still fostering independence.
this issue has grown past some answers on a message board.
khairete
S.

First off - no more YouTube for your daughter. You screen what she watches or not watching anything at all is not a bad choice.
Their imaginations are working overtime right now and it gets worse especially at night.
Second - since dolls are freaking her out - take them out of her room - make it her safe spot.
Third - some of this is normal and common. Our son didn't like being alone in any room for quite awhile but by 4 1/2, he could sit outside the bathroom and wait for me till I was finished.
She'll get over it sooner or later but it might take some time - so be patient with her.

If your daughter is neurologically normal, she's not honestly still afraid of the video she saw. Kids are much more resilient than that. Sounds like she's moved into a clingy phase and doesn't want to move out of it. I have an intense 6yo who is sometimes super independent, and sometimes "terrified" to let me go upstairs if she is downstairs, or "too scared" to go upstairs and put on her jammies without someone else going too..sometimes I entertain it. Like for all kids, it's a little sincere but a little not. Maybe she really is scared, but then she's fine when forced to do whatever. Sometimes I get firm with her and carry on.

Set more boundaries. If you asked what she's afraid of, she'll say the default answer or something else. Let her know confidently and firmly she'll be fine and she needs to go back to her room or whatever. She's controlling you guys.

I am a parenting instructor----Technology is NOT ok unless you are there and you know exactly what your child is doing and watching.

With that being said, see if your town has a marriage and family therapist that could work with her for a few sessions or play theraphy.

I agree with Suz that six months is a long time for this to have gone on. Are there other changes in her life (starting preschool? New sibling? Marriage issues? Anything?) that might be the deeper root of all this fear and she's channeling it into the doll issue?

Or if you have given her lots of attention over the doll thing and talked and talked it over with her, she might have learned that it gets her your attention (especially nice for her if she has siblings). So don't keep hashing it over verbally.

However, if you have been saying over and over, "No, we won't be with you all the time" and it's become a thing where she sees it as her mission now to get you to be with her -- then do it, and let this burn out.

Now that she can''t "un-see" the video: Take her seriously and just go with this for right now. She will not be this fearful forever, and right now I'd give her what she needs, and what she needs is reassurance that she can only get from having an adult nearby. Please don't try telling her,,"You're too big to have us around all the time" or "You didn't need to sleep with us before so you don't now" or anything else that dismisses her fear or gives her the message that she's somehow being babyish and is wrong to want comfort. She is still too young really to control her imagination or to take it in if you tell her, "Dolls don't really move or talk" -- you can say it all day long, AND she can nod and say, "Yes, I understand" all day long, but that does not mean her mind is able to overcome this fear right now.

If she''s sleeping in your room: Get her to sleep in her room but you or dad stays until she goes to sleep, if that's what it takes for now. I know, adults long for the time that kids sleep in their own rooms without parents there at all, but I'd do it temporarily if that gets her past this. You will not be doing it forever, no matter whether it feels that way at the moment.

If she starts to talk about these dolls, reassure her but briefly and then distract her with another subject or something specific to do with her hands--"Let's get out the crayons and that coloring book you love" or whatever. Gradually she'll be more OK as you move a little farther away while she colors or plays with toys. You might also, if she is really wound up about dolls, ask if she wants to have a special time when she and you gather up all her dolls and "retire" them temporarily to somewhere -- don't throw them out as she's likely to want them again later, but give them a vacation. If she is OK with stuffed animals but not dolls right now, maybe one special stuffed animal can be designated by her as the one to go places with her and keep an eye on her. Also check her whole room with her -- are there things in the room that seem OK by daylight but weird by the light of her nightlight and cast shadows that now seem scary? Move those things away to show her they're only shadows. If she follows you to the bathroom, let her -- but do not let her in; have her stand outside the door and talk with her so she hears your voice (and so you maintain some boundaries but she still knows you're there). Don't ever over-talk the problem or spend a lot of time discussing the fear or the moving dolls idea, but do acknowledge and then distract immediately.

I know it's driving the adults "insane" as you put it but this type of clingy fear is pretty typical when a kid has had a scare like she had. Please don't push her away. That may seem like the adult thing to do, or the way to make her more independent and less fearful, but if you dismiss her fear or push her away (or worst of all--make fun of her fears like some adults do, believe it or not)--she will NOT get the message that she needs to grow up. She will only get the message that she can't rely on mom and dad to listen to her when she's scared and to provide comfort without criticism.

I'm not saying you or your husband are doing any of those things since you don't say how you're handling this right now! I'm just noting that it's easy for us adults to tell young kids to "stop being babyish" or "You know dolls can't move!" and those things send a young kid a message very different from what we might intend.

I think you already know that she should not be on YouTube at all, ever, even with you there -- It's far too easy to be watching some innocent video and then the next video in that "list" suddenly starts playing and it's not appropriate at all. I can totally see how a search on "dolls" went instantly from a sweet doll video to some scary movie clip etc. In fact at her age she should only do very limited screen time of any form for many reasons -- so her own imagination can develop, so she's not overstimulated by the flickering images (that really does happen -- check the American Academy of Pediatrics' web site about kids and screen time) and so she doesn't end up seeing stuff she shouldn't.

Separation anxiety usually happens at a younger age. Six months is a long time to go through this.

Your daughter should NOT be using electronics without your supervision. She should have NEVER been allowed to watch youtube alone.

I agree with other posters, get all the dolls out her her room.

Stop giving her the attention about this. Put her back in her room.
When she starts being clingy, get down to her level and tell her she is safe. Tell her that you love her.She has nothing to worry about. then go about your business. Since you are playing into her fears or attention seeking, you are not helping her. Remove the dolls from her room. You can get her focused on something else, yes?

Take all the dolls out of her room, and then work on getting her back into her own bed.

I wrote a really long post on your other question, so I'll try to make it really short here.

I think she's just going through a clingy stage. She just needs some extra reassurance. Hang in there. Give her lots of extra hugs. She'll get through it.

She probably doesn't really know what's bothering her. I doubt youtube has anything to do with it. Kids at that age aren't usually able to articulate their fears. Try not to worry about the cause, too much. Just help her know that she is loved and she is safe. Mommy and Daddy are there for her, and she is fine. She'll learn to trust that and start to be less needy.

My son did not enjoy playing by himself until he was probably 5 or so. There was nothing wrong with him, he simply preferred being around people. He did sleep in his room alone without any problems (had since he was an infant so that was simply his expectation). If you started playing with him in his room, you could leave after a bit (I'm going to put a load of laundry in or something like that) but if gone for a while he would come looking. I really did not see it as a problem and eventually he started playing by himself for longer and longer intervals. He would wait outside the bathroom (yes that was annoying but so much better than when he was potty training and came into the bathroom).

I had nightmares about scary dolls for months after I saw a trailer for Chuckie and I was probably in junior high so I believe she could be frightened. Perhaps her dolls could sleep somewhere else when it is bedtime. I am 50 and still have never seen the Chuckie movies. Your daughter should not be watching U tube videos by herself.

This is my son, exactly. He had a terrible scare at 3 years of age (left alone by dad), and after that, he developed extreme anxiety about being alone, even for a few seconds. I had to literally hold him on my lap while I was in the bathroom - it was that extreme.

We went to play therapy for 9 months - it really helped. He still has anxiety, he still sleeps in my room and things like that. But I can take a shower while he watches tv without him panicking and I can go to the bathroom alone.

You might try play therapy. It can't hurt.

Just reading this now .. so does she not sleep alone?

Some of this is typical - like the other moms below said, some kids are naturally more clingy (at times or as part of their personality). You foster independence by setting boundaries and baby steps. My little one has been clingier this year and it's just been a phase for us. She spent a lot of time with me over the summer being home with me. So you be firm, but supportive, but get her back to doing things on her own. Even if you're in the next room. You don't make a big deal of it. In fact, I made it about me - not her. "Mom needs some time to herself - I will see you in an hour." if we left her with a babysitter. If she says "What happens if..." then you address each fear one by one. Just once, matter of factly, because they just want to know (if they are insecure) that they will be ok. You just assure them that you are nearby if they need you - but you need them to try on their own. Go from there.

One of my children saw a Harry Potter movie much too early at his grandmother's house. He had nightmares for quite a while. He didn't have fear throughout the day however. It did not traumatize him, and it was quite disturbing (MIL should have known better).

Sometimes when we ask our kids what are you afraid of ... they feel they have to come up with an answer. She may just be insecure in general. Tough love and support at same time seems to have worked (best) for us. If you try baby steps and don't back down (sometimes it's hard to not give in) then there are great child counsellors who can help with this kind of thing. Good luck :)

Ugh this is why I nixed my 9 year old watching YouTube - you just never know. He just doesn't get it. He had the same thing happen. Saw something "scary" by accident and had a nightmare about it. That was after I cut him off too...but still.

It has to be a positive reinforcement type of thing. Meaning, you can't get mad at her for this behavior because it will just make her more insecure and make the anxiety worse. Praise her for being a "big girl" when she shows independence (even if it's just doing something on her own with you standing there). And above all be patient and kind, as much as possible.

I would also draw lines - for example, mom's restroom time is alone time, no negotiation. When you're changing clothes, maybe. Look for small things to encourage her to be alone for, for just a few moments. Then gradually start making the moments longer.

Good luck!