Hi, everyone!!! My daughter is 4 1/2. She has a a brother who she plays with very well (my son will be 3 next month) and friend who lives across the street (she is 6) who she sees every day. My daughter has never been in day care, but only cared for by my husband, a friend who has a 9 year old and a 2 year old or family. My daughter is in gymnastics- so she does have an opportunity to spend without other kids there.
My problem is that she seems so needy with other kids. Here is an example- yesterday we were at a birthday party and my daughter met a 6 year old little girl. They played for about only about 30 minutes max together, but when the girl left my daughter said to her "Maybe you can come over to my house sometime". Another example is when we stayed at a hotel a few weeks ago my daughter kept asking all of the girls (most were preteens) in the pool if they wanted to play tag or play with her. Now, I know this may sound like she is just being friendly, but the way she does it really comes across as a little needy. I just wanted to know if anyone had advice on how to empower her to be her own person and be on her own a bit. My husband and I are very active with our children so it's not like she just needs someone to play with- we play with her alot!!!
I don't know if I have even presented this "problem" correctly- in reading this it actually sounds like I am being h*** o* my daughter- but I just don't want her to be shunned by other kids because she seems like a nuisance to them.
Thanks so much!!!
K.
Thank you everyone for your comments!!! (Keep the coming if anyone has more) I am very glad to hear that this sounds like normal behavior for her age to invite total strangers over. I am a very strong woman and I hope I continue to instill that strength in my daughter- which is why I think this behavior took me for a loop. I guess I was afraid for her to become the kid in class that nobody wants to play with because she is always bugging everyone. But, it seems like she is really just quite normal. Thanks so much for your comments/suggestions!!!
K.
Hi, I totally know what you are talking about. My kids, 13, 6, and 4 all boys...did or are doing (in the case of the 4 year old). All of them went through it. She feels a part of the girl set. She gets a little bit through gymnastics but wants to get a bit more. From my experience, all want this. Maybe a play group would help. Then she knows at a certain place and time that the play group would be held. Just a thought. Best of luck~
But she does need someone to play with, someone who is her own age. In some ways how she is behaving is normal (my 4 1/2 year old son will also invite strangers over to play), but I think the neediness or desperation you see is less about her needing to be more self-reliant, and more about her needing more fun time with other kids. Gymnastics, or similarly focused classes, doesn't quiet count because the kids are not free to socialize and interact, they have constraints. I'd suggest looking into preschool classes (a park district can be very reasonable, and only a few hours a week) or some other regular activities where the kids have some amount of free time to play together.
Wow! I could have written that! My daughter will be 5 in May and she has a little brother who just turned 3. They play together very well, but she is always saying things like your daughter, always asking for play dates and asking other girls to play. It always comes across to me like she has no friends! Yet that is SO not the case, because she is very social, has lots of friends (mostly from church, but a few from the neighborhood) and gets along good with others while playing. I'd say it is probably that your daughter is just social and likes to play with others. The sheer fact that she will go up to strangers (pre-teens, no less) and ask them to play shows that she has a decent measure of confidence. I wouldn't worry about it and simply encourage her to use good manners when playing and to play fair...basically be the good "friend" to those she plays with.
my daughter is 6 and she has always been that way.. and shes been in school since she's been 3.. so she has been with kids her age and plays very well with them.. i think kids, like adults get tired of the same ppl to play with and get bored with playing the same games with the same brother or sister.. my aunt takes her maybe twice a month and its just her and my daughter extra one on one attention.. makes her feel special and not like the middle child..
My nephew that I take care of is the same way sometimes. He begs to stay with other kids because he does not like playing alone. Sometimes the problem really is that they don't realize they can play by themselves and enjoy it all on thier own. Try to find some games that she can play by herself to teach her she doesn't always need someone to play with. A good one to get for her age (I think) is one that plugs into the tv that has learning added to it. I bought one of those for my two year old that is an Elmo numbers game and he always wants to play it. It only has one controller so it is not like she is going to want to take turns with you to play it. At first you can start her playing it while your in the room doing something like folding clothes then slowly after a couple times make your way completely out of the room.
Doing this will start to branch her to playing all by herself. If you do that then you may find her sitting nicely with her dolls and playing with them quietly. When she realizes she can enjoy her own company she won't be so needy of everyone else's attention. She's the first born and still getting used to all the attention her little brother is getting. You gotta admit the littlest does get more attention from other people and they tend to need more from us. I'm starting my son on learning how to pamper a baby now so when all his cousins start having their little ones (4 coming in the next few months) he won't feel so left out or abondoned but feel like he is a part of the adults adoring the precious new life.
Dear K.,
I just wanted to tell you that I run a daycare out of my home. Right now I have 5 kids in here that are that age. I think your daughter is acting her age. I do agree with some of the other things that I have read. One thing is that all kids do need alone time. Which I think of as time to play by themselves. I do also think that your daughter could use a couple of more kids her age to play with. I do want to say that I think that it is great that you and your husband play and interact with your children. I think kids get other ideas that they would never get from adults from playing together with other kids their own age. I guess that I would advise you to see if there is a play group in your area, or make one up. I would not worry on how she is acting. I think that to some degree it is a normal thing for her age group.
B.
Hi My first thought is she has to many people to play with and doesn't know how to have downtime by herself and needs to learn to play alone. It sounds like she has the social thing down which is great and will be helpful later on. But she needs to start having some quiet time/alone time at some time during her day to totally do what she wants, she has to be the one to come up with the idea of what she wants to do it will take a little time for her to figure it out but she will.
She is depending on outside entertainment and not being creative on her own it is something that does not come natural to some people so they have to learn it.
After I wrote my response I read the others I can't believe they all said to add more activities she is 4 1/2 let her be a child and play with her toys in her room and relax a little each day she will have plenty of busyness later on in her life.
Hi K.,
My daughter went through this also. She is 4 1/2 also. She also stayed home in lieu of daycare until recently. We'd go to the mall/park and she would try and play with the bigger girls, Of course they weren't interested in playing with her. She's getting to the age where she needs to make friends her own age- and no matter how much you and your husband play with her, she needs these relationships to develop.
Is there a gym, art class, or play group in your neigborhood? Where do you live?
K.-mom to a 4 1/2 also!
It sounds as though your daughter may feel insecure. My advice would be to try putting her in Martial Arts. It is great for building confidence and self-esteem. It will help her to focus on growing within and helping her focus on her own strengths.
K.-
The fact that your daughter is actually "putting herself out there" is great. Even if you think her tone sounds needy (and it probably does not to other children) I think you are concerned too early in the game. Encourage/support her in asking children to come over and play. So what if she is making the first move most of the time. If they decline, I would wait a few weeks and try again, even if they have not made a reciprical invitation. After that let it go. This is a fact of life. Your daughter will also have a time when someone asks HER over and she prefers not to go.
My 3 1/2 yr. old daughter has been like that since she was about 2. The only difference is that she was in daycare forthe 1st yearand I have had her in pre-school 2-3 mornings for about 1 1/2, a week. Plus she's in ballet and music classes. we don't have family that have children, nor ar there any kids even on our block, but I've always just thought she was really outgoing (something I'm not) so I have never thought of it as any problem. Plus, older girls are always more "interesting" to little girls! I kind of have just used her natural strengths to challenge me to put myself out there more. remeber that almost everything she's expereincing is new to her, so she may just be one of those kids who doesn't want to miss anything- even if it means a little bit of "cold shoulder" from the older girls sometimes. You can use it as a learning tool- like we have and I always let my daughter know that her willingness to "make friends" with anyone who is around can really be a compassionate and caring thing for a lot of children who may be too shy to join in, even when they want to(I speak from personal experience in this department!).
