4-Yr Old Son Has EXTREME Difficulty Going to Dad's

I'm hoping that in writing this you see that you really need outside, professional help. Kids this age may often have strong attachment issues. In most cases you have the opportunity to let them work on it gradually. Since this is not the case here, I think you need to get him to a counselor/psychologist ASAP. I'm very sorry about the situation. It must be heartbreaking for you all.

Jen,

Your story brought me to tears. SOMETHING IS WRONG. And it does not sound like the problem is with your son. This is fear. I know you love him, we can all see that. And as his mother it is your job, above all others, to protect him. I would go to your lawyer and stop visits.

Do not worry AT ALL about your Ex's feelings. I do not agree about making things worse. How much worse can they get if you intervene? I know they can get much worse if you do not. Your Ex is blaming you, the child, everyone but himself. GO TO THE COURTS TODAY! Demand an evaluation by a court appointed psychiatrist. Demand a hearing to address this issue.

I was, as a child in the system for a brief time, for reason's I do not care to get into. I do know however, for a fact, a judge will listen to your child and weigh heavily his feelings when considering what should be done. Request your attorney to have your son speak with the judge in chambers alone. I spoke with a judge as a child, he was kind and made me feel like I was being heard and that what I had to say mattered. Years later I read the court transcripts. I was allowed to go to my mother because I told the judge I loved her and wanted to be with her. It was what made this difference.

You know something is really wrong. Children do not vomit like that for no reason. I deeply feel that every visit is causing your son damage. He looks to you to protect him. And every time he is forced to go to his father's he feels betrayed by you. I hate saying that. But it's true. If something is not done soon he will not feel he can come to you. He will feel his cries fall on deaf ears. So many times we hear about children who blame parents for not helping them when they were little. So many times we hear teenagers say, “I went to my mother/father but they did nothing“. He’s four, he cannot tell you in any better way than he is that he needs your help.

I would go so far as to bring him into the emergency room the next time he has a reaction like this when he is to go to your ex-husband's. Paper trails go a long way. You cannot be faulted for bringing him to seek medical care, especially if he's physically ill.

If your Ex cares about your son the way he should, he would let his ego go and stop blaming. He would help you find the answer. But the truth may be that he knows he’s the problem, maybe not the direct problem but, he’s allowing something to torment your son while he's with him. And he doesn’t want to accept and /or admit this, not to you or him self.

I am so sorry for your son, so sorry for you.

God bless you both and take care. Be strong and know we are here to listen and help if we can.

J.,
I feel for you. I, too, am divorced, separated since my son was 22 months. He didn't start overnights until he was about 3 years old; But when I had foot surgery when he was about 4 and was laid up for 12 weeks in a cast it was heart breaking to see him reaching for me over his dads shoulder as he went out of the house. Was it the age? Was it the surgery? At any rate we finally decided it was no fun for anyone and against all the books advise we stopped the overnights. His dad has minimal custody (15%) anyway and so to this day it is hard to realize their relationship is more like a kid and his uncle than a father and son. One thing my son and I did together was a divorce workshop at Kidsturn. I highly recommend it. My ex didn't do it but I can definitely see the benefit of doing it together (they separate the parents and the kids). Concerned with the limited amount of time he spends with his dad, we started to read a book together called "Changing Families". Afterwards I realized he had a better grasp of his relationship with his dad than I thought. Oh, he's now almost eight so that helps alot but I guess it's easier than I thought for us grownups to transfer our thoughts, emotions, impressions onto our kids and worry about what they have or don't have with the important people in their lives. I was very reassured. The relationships he expressed in reading this book may not have been with the people I would have thought but he clearly has a sense of family. My before and after "bibles" during the divorce were Mom's House, Dad's House by Isolina Ricci and We're Still Family - What Grown Children Have to Say About Their Parents' Divorce" by Constance Ahrons. It is so very distressing to watch our young child suffer. Every divorce situation is different (mine certainly doesn't fit any of the standard profiles!) and I have every confidence in you that you will find what works for all of you. Don't be afraid to go against the advice of books, experts, and friends. In your heart you know what needs to be done. Trust that. I hope I don't sound condescending. I hope only that my journey may resonate a truth with you that you just may not have realized yet. Oh! And the book I just picked up recently that I almost forgot and have found super helpful for especially sticky situations - The Complete Single Mother by Andrea Engber and Leah Klungness. Best of luck to you. G.

You've got to talk to his dad out of your son's presence. Make it clear that you don't have a problem with him having a girlfriend, you want him to be happy, etc, moved on... BUT "our" son is not doing well. You know that he, as your son's father, wants your son to be happy and to have a good relationship with him. Tell him that what is happening isn't working, and ASK him how he thinks the situation might be improved so that his son is doing ok.

If that doesn't work, get a lawyer, then have the conversation again.

I am SO sorry for you and your poor little boy. I haven't had this situation, however, but hearing it breaks my heart. That IS an extreme reaction -- are you sure nothing worse is going on at his dad's house?

I'm sure other moms can help you more than I can, but I would only say that telling him he is going to have fun at his dad's is not a good idea. I am a big proponent of "mirroring," and when you tell a child something that is the exact opposite of his emotions, it has the effect of making him feel WORSE, not better. I would say next time he has to go, it might be more helpful to mirror his emotions in some way, like saying "I know you don't like going to daddy's, I'm so sorry," or something. That will actually make him feel somewhat better, although the situation you describe will obviously not be resolved easily.

Good luck to you, and I second Catherine's response below.

You know, I don't know your situation. It doesn't seem like you're doing anything wrong... I would, however, try a few different tactics..... I totally understand that Dad wants time with his son, however, forcing your son to visit Dad isn't the answer. It's stressful. I would try to see if you can coordinate some grandma/grandpa visits where Dad maybe shows up, gets a little bit of time (maybe 15 min?) and then Dad leaves and your son stays with g-ma/g-pa for the rest of the visit and see if shorter Dad time in less stressful situations works? the idea that Dad is coming to see him at grandma's but he will stay with grandma? That way he is not "sharing" Dad with new wife and new brother, but seeing him in a more neutral (and hopefully positive) situation. If that goes well, increase the duration of Dad's visits if your son is okay with it. But forcing toddlers to do things, in my experience, just doesn't work!!!! They feel like they don't have any control over the situation.... Sort of like the toddler who pees and poops all over himself or in his pullup when you try to make him go in the potty... it just backfires. Time and patience. His Dad will have to come to understand that if he wants good quality time with his son, he can't push him. Maybe your ex's parents can help with explaining this... and if you have a good relationship with them, get them involved and he might see that you're doing everything you can to help your relationship with them work he might back off. I'd really stress using HIS parents and not yours for that reason... plus, g-ma and g-pa can play the "I did this with your Daddy when he was little" card... and let him know Daddy isn't a bad guy, too.
Good luck!!!

Your story just about made me cry. I would NOT want him to go, and if that is how you feel, it may shine through, but who could blame you? All I can say is, if it were me, I WOULD stop the visits for a bit if possible. Something is obviously going on there (negative). Your son can't verbalize what is BAD there? Can he tell you?
What is going on with new woman/kid? seven months is plenty of time to adjust, i do not think it is simply that.
I just would hate you to keep making him go, then later find out something awful was going on. Good luck.

Something is going on here. I could see your son maybe not wanting to go to his dad's house overnight but I have to wonder why if he sees his dad and then cries and clings to you... there is something intense going on here. Abuse... maybe from his girlfriend or son... or maybe his dad tends to favor his girlfriend and son over his own son. It is just obvious that something is going on.

Was his dad close to him before you divorced? Was his dad abusive to him or you before? Physically or verbally?

I'm not sure who you would contact but I'm wondering if maybe supervised visits would be the way to go for awhile... or visits where it is just him and his dad, one-on-one, and not spending the night. Perhaps CPS, or the courts or your attorney and go back to court... maybe your doctor or maybe take him to a counsel... they have a way of getting things out of kids without the kid realizing it... in playing with toys.

I feel badly that you need to go through this.

You might try the switch off at Karate again, but this time you should not be there at pick up. Leave before it is over and allow dad to come in and watch the end. Then the two leave together.

You might consider therapy, one that specializes in children going through divorce. This will bring in a third party to hear all sides and get to the underlying issue(s).

Stephanie

Hi J.,
It sounds to me like it is time to go back to court and have the parenting plan revised. He should have been introduced to this new found family of your Ex's on a a very slow scale. If you have documentation to back this behavior up, like the karate class teacher or anyone else who has seen your sons reaction to having to go to daddy's house, there is not a judge in the land who would not listen. We are not talking about taking away all of the daddy visits, just starting small and waiting for improvement. This is something you can do on your own without an attorney. Depending on what county you live, the courts have great self help centers and will help with filling out all the necessary papers.

This is in no way a good situation for your son. He is only 4 years old once. There is no taking back his experiences. All we can do as parents is to try and make sure that their experiences are the best possible ones.

Good Luck to you and your family.
L.

I will echo what others have said: something is not right here. Your son is not only dealing w/your divorce but now the addition of the girlfriend & her child. When he clings & cries about not wanting to go, do you give in & stop the visit or does he still go w/his dad? Right now this is not manipulation on your son's part but fear. I would say that if you give in & take him home, then this may turn into that but right now he's just scared. I strongly suggest you get your son some help, either a therapist that you find or one that your attorney recommends so that there is record of this prolbem. Make sure your attorney is aware of what's going on & talk about altering the visits somwhow. Also document for yourself what what you son is like the few days before he leaves for his dad's & what he's like once he returns. Enlist the help of the school. As hard as it might be, don't take the bait when your ex tries tp blame you for this & picks a fight. Be the bigger person. He needs be support system here, too, & help work this out. Best of luck!

J.,
I don't have anything to add that everyone else hasn't already said. As a mama I feel for you and your son so much. And as you have already read, there absolutely must be something wrong going on. Even if it's just the fact that he is not coping well with the change. The courts should and will take this into consideration if you go to your attorney and explain what is going on and that you would like to go back to court and have the visitation schedule changed. You might want to start making a little diary of sorts about each encounter and your son's reaction, and then how he is when he comes home. It wouldn't hurt to even take some video of him coming back from his dad's so they can get a good visual. It can be very hard to get the "powers that be" to believe you don't add to the situation by verbally tearing your ex down, but if you do have the diary and the video, they at least can see how awful it is and the toll it's taking on him. I would describe the vomiting and everything in your diary. Also, when you first set up visitation, was the girlfriend in the picture? It sounds like not. If not, then that is even more information the courts need to know. Any time there is a life altering change in the conditions, they should know about it, because it could definitely sway their decision. Good luck, J.. My heart breaks for you and I will be praying for you. God bless.

Good morning,

Sorry to hear about your situation. I hate that the child always ends up in the middle of divorces and the courts don't really think about the well being of the child. Is there any way you can speak to someone about limiting his visits to his fathers house? What if he only went every other weekend and maybe have his dad take him out somewhere other than his house like once a week, but he'll come back for bed. Your son sounds like he is really having issues and it is affecting him physically. Would his father go for this temporarily, he is only 4 and probably doesn't completely understand the situation. Is something happening at his fathers house that is causing him to not want to go, aside from his fathers new household? We all need to protect and fight for our children because they are so innocent and cannot defend themselves. I feel for you and hope that all will turn out good in the end. Good luck!

This doesn't sound normal to me and even if it is "normal" it is not healthy. Your ex sounds pretty selfish or at the very least ignorant and neither attitude is productive. If you have to share because of a court order my advice is to arm yourself with statements, letters from friends, doctors, psychologist, teachers, etc and if possible pictures and videos and go back to court and get visitation modified until your son is older and not as vulnerable. If you don't have a court order tell the father he can see the boy at a park or some neutral place where you aren't too far away and that he can't spend the night until he is more comfortable with the living situation at the father's house. I'm sure lots of people will disagree with me and have advice about how your son can adapt but it sounds to me like he is very traumatized - not just a little upset but deeply disturbed about going to the dad's house and that just isn't ok. Kids don't usually have such strong reactions - even at 4 - without a good reason.

I don't want to make things worse, but... are you sure something isn't going on over at Dad's house with your son? (Abuse or something that is just scary to your son?) I don't know if your son is ever alone with the stepmother or the other child, or even a neighbor - but that was the first thought that popped into my head after reading your description. If possible, go over there with your son a few times and see what specifically is causing him to fall apart like this. I think some amount of anxiety is normal, but not this much.

First off, I'm am glad to hear you are searching for answers even when your husband is accusatory. That is a great sign of a great mom!
If you keep forcing your son into a situation where he doesn't feel safe, he will stop trusting you too.
Try starting out with baby steps. When he spend time with dad have it be on safe ground. Let him do it at your house and you go out, or maybe at the in-laws since he's okay there. Be careful. Something is setting him off and it could be serious. You do what you feel best with, regardless of your husbands reactions. Talk to your in-laws for suggestions. Let them see your desire to work it out and hopefully they can convince your ex that you are trying. He need time with dad without girlfriend or her son and possibly just day visits instead of sleepovers.
This is a very difficult thing you face. Procceed with caution to make sure he isn't being mistreated.

I'm sure there is nothing I can say you aren't already aware of. Follow your gut and good luck.

Hi J.- Something does not seem right about what you describe. I would try very hard to get more info from your son as to WHY he doesn't want to go. The fact that he will go with others happily is a big clue. Try to talk to him gently about what he is scared of without putting your adult expectations on him. Above all I would listen to your Mother's intuition. Is it just attachment to you and transition issues or something more? Pay really close attention to your boy and listen to your heart and I bet you figure this out. I'm so sorry for you it must be really hard to go through over and over, for both of you. Good Luck!

Hi J.. It sounds like your ex's attitude is the main source of the conflict. He expects a 4-y-o to adjust immediately to completely new terms, which isn't possible. Have you suggested he go see the therapist with your son and you, that way there is an objective perspective to show him a better way of handling the situation? Kudos to you, it sounds like you're really doing the best possible job of keeping things together. It sounds like you need some help in getting this man to see what's going on though. All the best.

I think you are wise to be utilizing the expertise of a child psychologist. Perhaps, in transition to dads, utilizing the grandparents as a dropoff point would be helpful. Only, of course, as a stepping stone until he gets more acclimated at dad's. Clearly the child is telling everyone he doesn't want to be there, and dad needs to be compassionate with him as well. However, I must point out in love and compassion, that there may be some part of you that is holding onto him, and your son is picking up on that. Like, he may be so worried that mom is alone and doesn't want you to be that way.

In either case, your ex has to get fully on board or your son will lose out. Good luck.

M.

I would 1st make sure there was nothing bad going on at Daddy's house. No matter what it is. It could be the step mom or her son that is doing something. I would not make him go. If your son is that upset why make him go and suffer being somewhere he is either scared to go or doesn't want to be. Who has his best interest at heart? You do. Keep him home for a while and talk to him about why he is so upset. Get down to his level and cuddle him and ask the questions. It could be something really trivial or something bad. Talk to him and ask him. Don't make him go where he doesn't want to go.
If my child acted that way I would not let him go and I would talk to him and the dad separately and get to the bottom of it. I would keep him with me until I knew why!

J.,

My heart breaks for your little guy and for the two of you as parents not knowing how to handle this situation. I think Jennifer M has the best advice. These women who are jumping in to say you are adding to your son's behavior are ticking me off. I am so sorry they offered their "words of advice" to you. I grew up with a divorced family and I've seen disgruntled spouses--- I admire how fair you are being and how you encourage your son to go with his Dad. I would have a difficult time letting my son go considering the behavior that your husband spoke of. What some of these women fail to remember is that your son is only 4 years old, he's not 15, he does not have the comprehension skills that older kids do. Also, this woman is not your ex's wife... she is his girlfriend that has moved in with her son. This is not your son's step-brother. Who knows what will happen with their relationship. If one day he marries her and this woman and her son do become your son's step-mother and brother then that's a different ball game. But for right now, I'd go with Jennifer M's suggestion and let the visits be at your ex's parents home or for just your son and ex to spend the day together by themselves-- your 4 year old son needs to feel safe and obviously if he's clinging to his bear while at his Dad's he doesn't feel safe in the new environment. His grandparents will give him the security he needs while seeing his Dad.

Just remember, you know your son and you are obviously trying to do what's best for him-- so just keep trusting your instincts. Our prayers are with you.

L.

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I can tell it is excrutiating for you to put your son in an unknown situation that he resists so empathically. Have you tried talking to your son about it? I don't know how verbal he is but you might frame it in a casual conversation about "what's fun about dad's house?", being very open and non-directional, validating all of his feelings - good and bad. Try bringing it up while you both are having fun playing or doing something enjoyable together. You could start it off by talking about what he likes doing in general (i.e. "What are your favorite fun things to do?") and then lead into more specific questions about his time at dad's house. If he doesn't bring up the "what's not fun" part on his own, then you could ask him this as well. Again, in an open, non-leading or emotionally-charged way. You might get some better information about what is upsetting him. The important thing to do is to let him know you are on his side in terms of what he is feeling, and not infuse your feelings into the conversation. If he picks up that you have an agenda, either he will shut down or he will say what he thinks you want to hear. Hope that makes sense.

I wish you and your sweet son all the best - I hope you can work it out.

How awful. I suggest that you and your ex and your son see a family counselor to find out what's going on here. Your son should not be reacting so frantically. It sounds like something else is going on. You might even want to call a meeting of yourself, your ex, his girlfriend and both kids, so that a family counselor can scrutinize the whole situation, and help identify the cause of his fear and suggest some solutions. If your ex and his girlfriend care about your son, they should be willing to help identify and resolve the problem.

A number of people have advised you to "get a lawyer." Don't be in a big rush to get a lawyer. If your ex and his girlfriend refuse to get together with a counselor to help resolve your son's problem, then you might want to start thinking about changing the custody arrangements. But try to do it cooperatively, among yourselves, before you go rushing off to hire a lawyer. Once you hire a lawyer, you have declared war on your ex, and that will not help figure out the problem.

Hi J.,

First of all, I think Jennifer's advice is brilliant. The idea of seeing his Dad on his own in a neutral positive environment is inspired. That way you can easily see if the problem is with the parent or the new situation. Maybe there are issues with the new step-mom or with the new brother that aren't obvious from the outside (where unfortunately you are now) and it might make just add some clarity to the situation.

I just talked about this with my husband and all he could say is, 'Poor guy.' referring to your ex-husband. I'm sure it's hard, but I think it's also important to remember how hard this must be on him, which might explain why he's lashing out and playing the blame game with you and even your son. Thinking about how he might be feeling may help you to come up with a solution with him for how to handle this situation.

I wish you the best of luck and I really hope this phase passes quickly for your sake, but mostly for your little boy.

All the best, D.

I don't really have anything to add to the good advice you've already gotten. I just wanted to agree with everyone who said that it sounds like something is seriously wrong at your ex's house. I base this on the fact that he's fine going other places without you, so I completely disagree with the comments about this being an attachment to mom issue. I do think you should get your custody arrangement modified so that he's not forced to spend so much time over there - at least until you can get to the bottom of this. You should be able to at least get a temporary change in the arrangement, especially if you show willingness to allow the court to revisit things in a few months to see how it's all going.

Your situation was heartbreaking to read and my heart goes out to you. Seeing your child in such anguish has to be horrible for you, and I hope that you can find a resolution soon. Please come back and keep us updated. Good luck, and I will keep you in my thoughts.

N.

P.S. I just read Kim M's response, and I have to vehemently disagree with what she's suggesting. I believe all this will do is make your son lose trust in you. Follow your instincts. You are his mom and you, above anyone else, know when there is something wrong with your child.

J.,

I think I can speak for most of us Mama's when I say I wish there is something I could do to help you and your son.

You sound like a loving and intelligent mother. It seems like you are going above and beyond "the call of duty" to try to make things work for your son and his daddy.

THERE IS A PROBLEM!!! Yes, it is normal for a child to be clingy. Yes, it is normal for child to try to "get what he wants", but that's only when they are already secured in their lives.

I'm sure you can tell that your son is not secure in his life, otherwise he wouldn't be seeing a child phycologist. There is something scary at his daddy's house. Maybe it's his daddy, the new girlfriend, or the new other boy. Someone is threatening your son's security at that home. It's more than just wanting to be with mommy.

A professional needs to be the one to tell your ex that it's not you. Otherwise, he will go on thinking you are to blame because you're "coaxing" your son. You need more help.

J., I wish I could help you more. Truly your heart must be broken. Hang in there and try to get to the bottom of it.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

~N. :O)

Im sorry to hear that this is happening to your little precious son. It would tear me apart if I had to go through this! Maybe you should lessen the time spent with his father, for a 4yr old that is a long time away from you during the week. May be you can just do the every other weekend for a little while to see how that goes. The family courts will work with you in regards of how much time a 4yr old should be with the other parent and especially if your son is going thru so much turmoil when he sees his dad! Maybe too its hard for him to see this autistic boy living with his dad. Emotional roller coaster that the other boy goes thru himself might be a little scary for you son. I will pray for you and especially for you little boy. I pray that God can reveal himself to your son and give him peace when he goes with his dad. God bless you and your son..

I don't know what is going on at your ex-husbands house - but that is not a normal reaction your son is consistently exhibiting. I would suspect that something is really wrong over there. And the fact that it has gone on since December means it is not an 'adjustment' issue. My advice is to stop the visits altogether - whether you need to go to court or you can work it out with your ex. Your ex needs to understand that he needs to build a relationship of trust with his son - not coercion. Your ex is building the foundation of his relationship with his son for the rest of his life. And his pride/ego needs to take a very big back seat.
Maybe after a while your ex can take your son for an hour at a time to start building that trust - and as he gets older, the time he spends with him can be longer and longer until he is comfortable. If something is going on over there that is not good - you will find out soon enough. Hopefully you can work this out peacefully with your ex and that he is a remotely reasonable person - if not - you are the only advocate your son has. Don't give up -

Good luck - !

Call up the courts (today) and ask to have a psycologist evaluate your Son. It may be that they determine this routine is "harmful/damaging" to him and change visitation. Be insistent and persistent! Be the "squeaky wheel" that gets the oil, but ALWAYS be unfailingly polite (you have to stay on their good side!)

Either way, try to get him to a counselor. I have had a lot of success with my 5 year old daughter going to one.

Good Luck,
K.

J.,

Perhaps you and your ex might consider modifying the visists wherein your son does not stay the night but merely spends the day during his father's weekend (ie shows up for breakfast, has dinner and two hours after he goes back home with you). I would also suggest you buy him a watch and using a sharpie mark the dial so he knows exactly what time to expect you to pick him up. You can then gradually make the pick up times later and later to allow him time to adjust to his new family.

Also, during these visit you and the ex should give him a private word that only the three of you know that he can go whisper to his dad when he's feeling uncomfortable. Dad can then take him aside to help him regroup and they can then re-join the family activities.

Try working with your ex FIRST!!!! If he is not receptive and is unwilling to help find an equitable solution then I suggest you go back to court and request a court psychologist/psychiatrist/psychotherapist evaluate your son; perhaps temporary supervised visitation might be in order.

Hope this helps!!!

Good Luck!!
CM

Dear J.,

About the only positive thing I’ve read here is what you say about the grandparents home. “He does not have difficulty going to school, friends or both grandparents houses”. KEY words here being “both grandparents houses”. If your child’s father’s parents are in the area, perhaps he can pick him up there.

I fear your son is picking up on your dislike, disapproval, and over all way of life at his father’s home which is shared with a new woman and her child. It sounds like you are very unhappy about your former husband’s situation.

· Her child has a disability and special needs.
· Your son has to share his time, toys, doesn’t like dad’s environment
· What would you do if you meet a man you like and he has children
· What would you do if you had another child who has special needs
· How would you teach your son to interact with these children

Your former husband has moved on with his life and it appears that you are making your child your “whole life”. This is not healthy. I’m not saying go out and find a man if you’re not ready. I’m saying start doing special things for yourself, when your son is having time with his father. I believe you may be obsessing on your child when he is with you and when he is not with you; and it could be a big part of his hysteria, acting out and throwing up.

The physiologist is right, it sometimes does take a long time for children to adjust to their parents being divorced. Young children usually do better then the older children. Your son was only two when the separation occurred. This concerns me, because the custodial parent can have a great impact on a child’s behavior and attitudes. It’s really important that both you and your former husband present a united front, even though you no longer care for each other, you must show each other and each other’s significant other, respect.

If it’s possible, maybe you could all meet at a park or public place and spend a little time together on a non-visiting weekday or weekend. The kids could play and see the three adults having a cup of coffee and behaving nicely towards one and other. At the end you and your son go home. Do this a few times and get to the point, at the end, where your son goes home with dad.

It may sound crazy, but based on what your child is going through now, it may be in his best interest. Can you and your former husband put the child’s needs ahead of your own?

Having said this, if you feel your child is in any way being abused at his father’s home or anywhere else. Get CPS involved, but be very careful, because they will not only investigate your former husband and his girlfriend; they will also investigate you and your home.

Blessings……

If the grandparents are OK for him, maybe the transition could occur at his parent's house? That way you could leave him happy since he is with grandparents he loves and then dad could pick him up from there. I know it must be hard for you to leave when he is so upset.

Dear J.,

I am so sorry that your son is going through this. I am a stpemom and my stepdaughter lives with us on a full time basis with visitation with her mother. So throughout my experience with this I can try to tell you what has worked for us. For a while my stepdaughter lived with her mother and everytime she would visit us it was a fight to get her to go back to her moms, but my husband had to make hard decisions and she had to go. Eventually, we have worked out something where she now lives with us and has done so for the past 3 1/2 years. Although our situations are different, it still deals with divorced parents and the stress it puts on the children involved.

1. I would put your son back in therapy if he is not already there, it is worth it believe me, it may seem like it is not doing anything right now, but it will help!

When your son cries you need to be the strong parent and as hard as it may seem you have to be the one to tell him he has to go to his father's. And I am sure this is what you are doing it sounds like, but if everytime you allow him to run into your arms and comfort him after and before visits, alowing him to cling to you, then he is feeding off of you that something is wrong with the visitations and father with his new family. You need to stay upbeat give him a smile and tell him he is going to have a wonderful time give him a quick hug and kiss and send him on his way. When he comes back greet him with a smile, reinforce that he had a wonderful time ask him about his time, what they did. After visits with my stepdaughter to her mother's we would make a big deal about it and let her know that we knew she had a great time and ask her all about her visitation and be really positvie about it. And she would start to realize that maybe it wasn't so bad after all. I know your son's 4, but I have a 4 yr. old as well and would still talk to him in the same manner.

2. Stop allowing him to cling to you, that is the worst thing that you could do and I know it goes beyond all your instincts as a mom and if you have to get in your car and cry it out later then that is okay, just don't let your son do what he is doing. It is only going to hurt him in the future and you are reinforcing the behavior.

3. When he asks you if he gets to stay with you. Show the same amount of excitement as dad's visits as you would if he was going to be staying with you.

If you are showing any sort of disapointment at him going to father's or even a slight change of tone different than what you would express if he was going to stay with you. He will pick up on that and right away think that something is not right with going to dads house. Again, stay upbeat, act happy that he is going to dads, reinforce what fun he will have, and let him know you will see him when he gets home.

I know this is very hard for you and I have watched my husband deal with this and the stress that it has put my stepdaughter through. You can only control your behavior and a child having both parents is the best thing that you can do for him, but your son alienating his father and his new family, will only hurt him. You have to be the strongest and not allow it.

Things take time, kids need to adjust, there is no magical answer to the problem, and this is a huge stress on your son not having his mom and dad together, and now dad has a new family and your son is not getting all of dads attention. It is very hard, and sometimes we have to do things we don't want to do.

Keep your son in therapy, it will be worth it.

And I am so sorry that you and your son are having to go through this.

P.S. After I read through some of the responses, about people saying something is wrong at your ex-husband's house, is not always the case, and tread carefully if you accept that advice because you would hate to destroy you son's relationship with is father for no reason other than paranoia people giving out advice. Make sure you have all the facts first before you act. I'm not saying don't acceot that advice, just make sure you know before you act on anything. As for sending your son without notice, I would definately not do that either, that would only traumatize him. The fact is that your son is now just becoming aware that his mom and dad are not together. The are going to be reactions to that. My husband and his ex were divorced when their daughter was 2. We only started experiencing problems and adverse affects to that when she was about 6 and mom remarried and dad remarried and she was confused and didn't understand why her mom and dad could not be together. And her new brothers had a mom and a dad and she didn't.

Best wishes to you. I hope this will help.

Hello J.,
I think seeing daddy with another woman makes your son upset. Some children don't understand why the parents separated plus moving on to a new lady. Your son also doesn't understand the autism. I think it might scare him a bit. Have you sat with your son explaining to him that things are different? I became a step mom myself but I didn't know how to go about it since I was 11 years younger than the father.
If your son doesn't feel comfortable with his dad, maybe cut back the visits until the clinging to you slows down. Something scares him, maybe a little talk might help. Good luck, G.

I don't want to overstep, but it sounds like their might be something wrong over at his dads. Is he being treated good? If he is that scared about going, he may be being abused, and its possible its the new GF, but it also might be the dad. Be careful, and look out for your sons best interest

I feel extremely anxious about your situation. Something is not right and IMO I would take him to his doctor. There is just something not right. Not necessarily with your son but why would a little boy be so apprehensive to go to his dad? He is definitely extremely stressed out about being with his dad. I am so sorry you are going through this! Even more so for your son. I'm sorry I don't have better advice for you. But I would definitely contact his dr. So much stress in a 4 year old couldn't be healthy...

Hi J.,

I have a nephew who is autstic as well. He recently stayed with us for 5 days ( he is 22 years old). If if can offer anything, do some research and see if there are any books out there geared for a sibling who has special needs. Since your son is 4 years old and so is the step sibling - things may be done differently since the sibling has special needs. It may not be anything anyone is doing specficially, but more things are not the way they used to be or geared to the other child. Because of the special way things need to be done, your son may be picking up on it and feeling either left out or treated the same way which is very different then the way your treat him. You and your ex husband are in a tough spot and your son is in the middle. I wish you luck in solving this tough situation. Maybe if you also have some understanding to the needs of this child ( even though he is not yours)may help you with helping your son adapt to the situation. I hope this helps. Good Luck

Talk to an attorney immediately and defend your baby as you are doing.

You can send him without warning. Dont tell him his day to go to Dad's is coming. Just tell him when the moment has arrived. This way he wont suffer the anticipation of it, and can better enjoy the time he has with you - all the time he has with you.

Secondly, be sure never to give in to his objections. Let him know he can object as loudly and persistently as he wants to, and you will still Love and support him and hug him and sympathise with him, but it will NOT change the fact, or the time to go.

I know you are suffering through this, and I wish there were a magic cure. Best wishes go out to you.

Wow this is very heartbreaking to hear. I am very sorry you are going through this. I can't help but think something is going on at the fathers house. Have you asked you son why he does not want to go. Have you asked your ex how your son acts when he is at his dad's house. I think maybe you shold figure out what exactly is going on and what is causeing this obvious fear. Is it the father, is it the new girlfriend, is it the girlfriends son? Have you ever seen your son interact with the new girlfriend and her son? If you can I would try to have visits with you, your son and his dad in a neutral place and have his dad interact with him while you are still in your sons sight. See how your son reacts to his dad and see how his dad reacts to his son. You should do this until your son is comfortable. Then maybe incorperate the new girlfriend and son into the visits. See what happens. I think you have the right to feel comfortable with the fact that his dad will protect him from harm while in his care. If you feel that the dad is not protecting him I would not allow him to continue visits unsupervised.

Stay strong and god bless you and your beautiful boy.

Your son's behavior sounds more than just mommy attachment. I am curious to know if your son and the other child share a room together, or what happens at night after your ex-husband and his girlfriend go to bed. I had a very similar experience with my granddaughter.
My e-mail is ____@____.com. I would like to share that experience with you and Perhaps you need, not only psychiatric care for your son but legal care to help protect him.

Hi J., I feel for your son's situation, and yours. I have an idea. You said he likes going to both grandparents houses. Perhaps your ex could spend time with your son at his parents home one on one for awhile until he remembers how to enjoy his Daddy again Then gradually add the girlfriend once then her son. let him sleep at the grandparents. Once the stress is relived and he can relax he may open up about what bothers him about being at his dads house. How was your son with the girlfriend and her son before they moved into the house? Has that changed? He may be afraid of her son because he doesn't understand why he is the way he is. I know one child in kindergarten that was afraid of a special needs kid in his class because he thought he had a "cold" that he would catch! Kids come up with there own explanations so life will make sense to them. I also know of a little girl (4)that thru-up and tried to swallow it back instead of letting it out, when her parents finally got her to open her mouth she said she thought she was broken and was throwing up her stomach!

Just a thought...J.