4-1/2 Year Old Refuses to Be Potty Trained - Any Suggestions?

Tell him the truth.

Tell him about summer-camp, pre-school and kindergarten. Take him there, if you can, and show him how cool they are. Let him know that he can't go to those places if he isn't going pee and poop in the toilet every time. You can give him the reality of the situation, even down to the fact that other children won't want to play with him and will make fun of him for not going in the toilet like a big boy.

I went through a short period of time with my youngest during which he refused to poop in the toilet. He'd only poop in his pants, no matter what he was wearing. My cure: I took his pants and underwear. No pullup, no NOTHING. He ran around naked until he agreed that he would only poop in the toilet, and he wasn't allowed in his room or any area that was carpeted (which left him with the foyer and the bathroom). It sounds extreme, but it worked. My boy was (and is) STUBBORN. It only took a few days before he caught on.

I told him "If you are just going to poop in your underwear and make a big mess, I won't give you your underwear. I don't like cleaning up your stinky poop. You aren't a baby. And, guess what? You can't go anywhere without pants and underwear. You can't sit at the table for meals, can't sit on the carpet and watch TV, can't go out and play....well...you can't do anything without pants and underwear except sit on the linoleum. You can't even come onto the carpet, because I don't want you to pee on it. You'll have to show us that you can use the toilet like everyone else in our family. You are the only one who doesn't."

If he agrees, proves that he can do it, you give him his pants/underwear back, and then he poops or pees in them, take them away. Keep them long enough for him to become quite unhappy about it, even if it's an hour or more. Make him feel uncomfortable. He SHOULD feel uncomfortable about peeing or pooping in inappropriate places. If he pees or poos on the floor, make him get the cleaning products, and let him see how upset you are about having to clean it up. Don't allow him to go off and play while you are cleaning it. Let him see your anger and disgust, and even give him a few stern, angry looks. Children want our approval, and as parents, we often forget the affect our disapproval can have in motivating them.

If he is successful, continue to praise the heck out of him. Brag about him on the phone (in front of him). Take him to buy school supplies and talk about how excited you are about him going off to school/camp. Bribery should not be necessary (and it doesn't work). He has to want to do it because that is what is required to be accepted in society.

I wish you the very best of luck!

C.

4 moms found this helpful

This is his issue, not yours. All you have to do is STOP the pullups, put him in bigboy pants, and let him go. He has to be responsible for changing his clothes, washing himself and his poopy pants(very important!) and cleaning up any messes on the floor. (No different than picking up his toys---you made the mess, you clean it up). When he realizes you are no longer helping him, (only supervising and enforcing)he'll tire of all the time he's wasting. Don't bargain or bribe---he's way past that point, and he likes that you and Dad can't make him do this. Lay it all on him, and don't respond At All, just supervise the cleanup. It will only be a matter of days before he decides to do it.

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what we did with my daughter was..buy cheap big boy underwear..let him wear them and if he goes potty in them..make him stand at the bath tub and wash the poop and or pee out of them..my daughter hated this ..but you have to do it everytime and dont make it fun for him..he has to clean up his mess.

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We have a neighbor who had the same problem with her son.. There have been a lot of life changes for all of them, so she was never able to really work on the potty training for a length of time.

She and her husband took a long weekend and really just concentrated on the potty issue. They told their son he "would not wear pants or underwear any more till he could use the potty". since he did not have pants and underwear, he was not allowed to sit on the furniture. He would have to sit in a potty chair to watch tv, to eat, everything..

Every 15 to 20 minutes (they used a kitchen timer) , he was to go and sit on the toilet and try to go potty. If he had an accident, he was in charge of the clean up. They made him go on his own and they would go and stand next to the door.

BTW the older children were allowed to come and go outside to play, one went to the movies another got invited to a friends house.

He finally got the hang of it when he wanted to go outside and for the hundredth time, the parents told him, "not till you go to the potty" and the son finally was able to show he could go to the potty without accidents for a full day. I cannot get in touch with her right now to ask... to ask how many days it took. I know the first day he was ok with the rules.. I think it was the second day he realized, they were really serious..

With our daughter, I could use words like "I know you can do this." "You have always been such a big girl." "I have always been proud that you catch on fast.".. These seemed to give her some confidence if I was introducing a new task to her..

I am sending you strength.

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How about spending the day in the bathroom??? It will be boring and I would think he'd want to go and play elsewhere....... Have him sit on a potty chair (or the big toilet) all day. Play with him, read to him, and feed him there.

Normally I'd say ditch the pull-ups. They truly don't work. Never did with ANY of the daycare kids I had or with our own 2 kids. They seem to confuse them because they are just like a diaper. But, you've tried other things and he didn't care so I don't know what to say about that!

That's the only thing I can think of! I've never heard of this either...... I know boys are tougher but this is unusual that nothing works. Good luck!

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I've read the other posters, and I agree with most of them. 1. Switch him out of pullups. They're giving your tacit ok that it's okay to not be potty trained. 2. You're right that you can't make him go, but you can incentivize. 3. It's totally a power thing. My daughter was very much the same way, although younger, and we just conceeded the power. This is how we did it:

I sat her down, told her that she's a big girl, that she knew how to go potty. And now we're not talking about it ANY MORE. When she had to go, she could tell me. I WOULD NOT ASK if she had to go to the bathroom, plead with her to try, make a big deal out of it when she went or make a big deal out of it when she had an accident. Man was that tough, especially when I realized that she hadn't peed in like 6 hours or was hopping up and down on one foot. At one point I literally bit my tongue. At another point, when we were out in a restaurant, I said "I'm going to go to the bathroom" which gave her the "in" she needed to ask to go, but I did not invite her to come along. But it worked. After months of accidents, it took about a week and then they really slowed down to real "accidents" not just "on purposes." If he's running around wet, I'd let him. Get some pet odor remover and clean the carpets when he's not looking. Make sure he has clean clothes he can access in his drawers so that he can change when he's ready. Be clear about how you're going to handle poop accidents too. I would say something like "it's your choice if you're going to poop in your pants, but it's my choice to not clean it up or have it all over my house. You can clean yourself in the bathroom. Teach him how to run the shower and clean off. If he doesn't do that, teach him how to put desitin on his own bum.

You're friends are sort of right and sort of wrong - you do need to show him who's boss. But in this case, it's him. As soon as you can give up the power struggle, there's nothing in it for him anymore.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Take comfort in the fact that it really will pass and perhaps you can bribe him with this story later in life : ) Good luck.

1 mom found this helpful

1) take away the pull ups today
2)explain to him that if he pees or poops in his underwear he will have to clean it up
3)if he pees or poops in his undies, you walk with him to get clean clothes, sit in the bathroom with him and instruct him on how to take care of the mess.
4)make him carry the dirty clothes to the washer and put them in. After they are washed, make him put them into the dryer. When they are dry, make him fold them and put them away.
5)Tell him big boys need to act like big boys. If he doesn't want to act like a big boy, then he can't have big boy things, like tv, movies, toys . . . . you get the idea.
6)As he starts to realized he needs to start using the potty, he will. Praise him when he does. Reward him by letting him have bigboy things.

Ultimately, HE controls whether or not he goes on the potty or in his pants. He is definelty old enough and by your post, he is really refusing to do it.

Try not to show emotion when he goes in his pants. SImply get up and instruct him on what to do. Don't yell, don't tell him "I told you this would happen" etc.... Less reaction the better.

What ever you decide to try, be consistent. If this issue does not resolve it's self before mid summer, I would suggest you call your pediatrician for professionaly advise. He will NOT be allowed to start school if this is an issue.

Good luck

I potty trained twin boys approximately 4 years ago. First, you can't force a child to use the potty. You can, however, "encourage" it. I used the sticker charts with the royal potty, pullups and m&ms. Frankly, offering my sons candy for going on the potty worked. I offered 10-20 pieces of m&ms each time they could make it to potty and use it successfully. It worked with my younger son. My older son took a little longer, but he also got the process down well. As a new mom, I wondered if this was a good practice, so I contacted the Texas Children's Hospital parent line. It gave me the same advice. Good luck!

Bribing doesn't work for potty training in my opinion. Sure, stickers on a calendar but I mean the bigger stuff. You sound just like a friend of mine whose son was about 4 1/2 before he was trained as well. She tried bribing him with everything...it did nothing.

I completely agree too...yeah it's a control issue and you normally need to show him who's boss but how do you make him go pee in the bathroom? Only HE can control his bladder. It's like leading a horse to water and not being able to make him drink! :)

I liked the idea of spending all day in the bathroom. While it would make for a very long weekend for you, maybe it's what you have to do. If being wet doesn't bother him, leaving him in wet clothes won't help. Maybe spend the day in the bathroom...make him eat in there, everything, and tell him he will have to do that every day until he starts going potty. Do you have a long weekend this weekend with it being Memorial Day? Might be a good weekend to do that! :)

I was very surprised at some of the things you were saying though not affecting him...kids teasing him for smelling like poop, being wet, etc. Does the doctor have any other suggestions? Is he sure there isn't anything medical going on...with his bladder, thought processes, whatever? I would explore all options since you are so at wit's end because you are right, you are going to be in a very bad predicament soon as I don't know of even a daycare that would change an almost 5 year old little boy.

I really wish I had more ideas for you. I don't think you are a bad mom at all nor do I think this makes your son a bad boy. You just have to find what works for him and he is doing everything he can not to make that easy for you. Don't you love when they do that? :)

((Hugs)) sweetie...he'll get there. I just hope his timing works with your timing soon!!

I have potty trained 4 boys. My first two were a challenge, then I figured it out! We made a deal with the boys and set a date on our calendar that by this day there would be no more diapers/pull-ups. Once they knew the date then we stuck with it. I would get up that morning and take the pull up of them and put them on the potty. Then they would be in normal underwear from then on, no exceptions. I got swimming cloth underwear for going in public for a little more protection but still cloth. If they soiled themselves, they cleaned it up, if they had success then they were congratulated not rewarded with anything, just high fived and congratulated, big hugs. It took 2 weeks to get it done, we did it in the summer when I had some time off to focus on it because you have to be pretty devoted to it.
When they didn't want to touch their poopy underwear, I would tell them that I didn't want to either so I will hold their hands and help them pick them up and rinse them out and bring them to the washer. They HATED that so they just decided on their own to use the potty. It sure didn't take long.

At this point, he's just playing ag ame with you to see what you will bribe him with next! at 4.5, he knows what he is doing and its time for you to make it his thing.

Put him in underwear, get rid of the pull ups. If he has an accident, toss him a rag and tell him to clean pu and change his clothes. No emotion, no bribes, no freaking out. Just make it his deal. He cleans up, he rinses out his dirty clothes, he gets new clothes. You WALK AWAY AND MAKE HIM DO IT! Show no emotion, don't engage in his whining or throwing a tissy, just make it known what his job is and walk away.

You have made this a big deal by bribing and waffling. He KNOWS this and is using it to his own control. Stop the war, you are in charge, he's a big boy and there is absolutely no reason for him to bei npull ups! Make him clean up, take away the pull ups, and don't back down. Don't engage him in a 'well if you do this I will do that'. YOU make the rules, he's way too big for diapers and he's playing a game with you, so win the game, stop engaging him and make him do the work. Burn the pull ups if you have to.

It IS a control issue, but take back control and make him do the work. Every time. If he wets himself, giveh im a rag to wipe it up and tell him to wash out the wet clothes and get new ones, and walk away.

Well whether you are the boss or not, there is no forcing a child to use the restroom, so don't let those comments get to you. First I would take him to the doctor, just to be sure there isn't some sort of medical issue. ( Sounds like you are pretty certain it's a control issue though.) My friend's son also potty trained on the later side. My son was a bit of a challenge too. The only thing that really worked for us was to first take a little break. We both took some time off from our failed attempts. This gave us time to recollect and not get so frustrated. And my son was a bit too young, so he got some time to mature - my break was longer than hers. And secondly, we just completely stopped using pull ups unless our kids were sleeping or we were going to be out and about for a long time (more than 2 hours). My son didn't seem to mind wet undies, but when I left him completely dressed, he didn't like all the wet clothes. When he had an accident, I didn't get upset. We went to the tub and HE pulled off his clothes. We washed and then got dressed again. He hated all the time it took and eventually something just snapped and he started going on his own. My friend's son didn't like wet underwear, so she could let her son run around like that and she saved some laundry. Our method was at times messy and more work, but it was the only "trick" we found that both boys seemed to react too. For our kids, pull ups were almost permission to pee. Hang in there momma! GL!