3.5 Year Old Wont Participate in Activities with Peers

Is he in school full time or part time? Also, did he just start school? I would say if he's only in part-time, he may be having a hard time adjusting to the on again, off again schedule, or finding consistency with his peers. And if he just started, he's may still be trying to find his place.
Try not to worry too much. The teacher is doing the right thing by making him follow directions. And you are doing the right thing by not rewarding this behavior. He's only 4- he'll get it!
Take care.

I'm betting he's a only child; most "onlies" do better with adults than peers because it's what they are used to. They are not used to sharing the attention or being part of a group. But, these are all things you can teach him at home.

Read to him often and REQUIRE him to sit and listen, look at the pictures, etc. If he has cousins, try to arrange to have them over for time when you plan a group activity for the kids and then MAKE him follow the same instructions as the other kids.

It's just a matter of teaching him. At this point, he's been taught that he's the only kid and he gets all the attention and he gets to do what HE wants to do when HE wants to do it. It's going to take some time and effort, but he can learn appropriate behavior.

he's so young. i just can't see this as some sort of lifelong personality flaw.
i think his teacher is handling it just right. he's old enough to learn to sit through story time (i assume it doesn't go on for hours) and that there are times he can't indulge in independent play. but that doesn't mean he should be forced into interactive play before he's ready.
he's not even 4. he's such a little fellow. let him grump. as you point out, sometimes your very sensible reaction to ignore him has led him into participation!
khairete
S.

Oh, my, if I had a dollar for every 3 year old who had to be taught how to listen to a story in group, I'd be a very wealthy woman! Being part of a group is a process and it is the teacher's responsibility to use her skills to choose a great book, the right length of book, an interesting voice in telling the story and a few behavioral skills to hook every single child, no matter what the child's inclination would be. Is the teacher concerned or just sharing what's happening during the day? Is this part of a larger problem in school? If the teacher needs help in helping your child adjust to classroom routines and expectations, is there someone in her setting to help her develop a plan? Perhaps he's just learning to listen in a group (much harder than 1-1). Perhaps he's overwhelmed by groups and needs to sit next to the adult. Perhaps groups are too loud for him and he needs permission to remove himself to a quiet activitiy at a table.

So, yes he should be developing these skills, but that's what a quality preschool is for.

My mom tells the story of going to help in my preschool class to find the other kids walking in a circle playing musical instruments and me sitting off to the side. She went home very worried about me! I was just shy and got overwhelmed in situations like that. It sounds like it could be very similar for your son. It took me a while, but by kindergarten I felt more comfortable in group situations and I made life-long friendships starting in 1st grade. To this day, though, I really don't like being in large groups. I'm not as shy, but still prefer quieter, small groups.

Way too early to start worrying about the social stuff...leave him alone, he'll blossom when he's ready

Sounds very very normal! One of my boys (5) has always run off to play with all of the other kids in social situations, my now 4 year old son has always hung out with me for awhile until he warms up. My social 5 year old however has also always been REALLY shy in group situations, especially at age 3 and 4. Now that he's 5 it's amazing how much progress he's made with participating and talking to people. Your son is so young, just give him time and he'll get there.

Totally normal.
Don't force it.
He's only almost 4.
This shyness might extend to preK and K.
Doesn't mean he'll never play soccer. 😄

Give him some more time.
Kids this age get struck with sudden stage fright in group situations.
Until our son was about 3 1/2 I thought he'd NEVER leave my lap.
And then at close to 4 he finally seemed to be over it and had no trouble running around with his friends.
He was always pretty good about listening to his teachers.

Your son's behavior is perfectly normal and age appropriate. The guidelines for preschool from the NAEYC state that children of this age should NOT be forced to participate in group activities such as circle and story time, but instead have the option of solitary play if that is what they prefer. It sounds like your teacher needs more familiarity with the age and current guidelines. I would NOT force him to sit and listen and look at the pictures in a story. Reading is way too important to make it a punishment.

When you invite a friend over for him to play with, does he play well with his friend? If you invite 2 friends over how does he do? Is being around a group of peers a new thing for him? To help my kids bond with the other kids when they first started preschool (I have one preschooler now and one grade school child), I would invite over another child for a playdate. I would do this with multiple kids in the class...so that my child would feel like they were friends outside of the classroom as well. Maybe that will help your son. If my child were refusing to sit at story time and went and got a toy, I would be encouraging the teacher to do what they need to do. I would encourage her to give my kid some kind of consequence if they consistently refused to follow directions. I would also tell my child that is NOT ACCEPTABLE and give them a little talking to each day to help them remember. They would definitely get consequences from me if they kept doing something disruptive like that. Give your son a stern talking to and tell him you expect him to sit at story time and listen better to his teacher. I tell my kids all the time that they need to respect their teacher and be good listeners. When he is at home is he able to follow instructions? If he does not do what he is supposed to do when he is with you, what consequence does he get? Or is this something he only does at school? You say he has trouble taking turns at home. My son was like that at age 3 also...he did not want to share. He wanted things his way. I would force him to share. I would make him take turns. He didn't like it. He did NOT like compromising with other kids his age. If he could not play nice at a playdate we would leave (him screaming away as I carried him to the car). He slowly learned...but it didn't come easy for him. He finally got much better at that when he was in Kindergarten! That was a big year for him. My daughter however easily shared with others from the start. This kind of thing just came naturally to her. It's like she was born with a lot of empathy towards others. Anyway, if you keep teaching him what is correct I would bet that as he gets older and more mature that he will get better at this kind of stuff. Don't give in to him at home. Teach him that acting a certain way is unacceptable. Once he gets into school he will learn very fast. He will not want to be ostracized by his peers!

I wonder if you've never really worked with kids this age. Of course most kids will sit during story time or circle time but let's face it, sometimes I'm bored stupid with the person presenting the material.

I had kids in the 4 year old class that would just get up during circle time and walk off to go start play time. I didn't like that at all. But kids do learn by playing so it's not discouraged until they're older.

Your child may be behind a bit but it sounds like you're trying to integrate him into groups where he will learn social skills. When he starts Pre-K he may have a hard time the first few months but I bet by Christmas he'll be doing more that you feel is interactive play.

Yes, he should be learning to sit before he goes to school, although 3.5 might still be a little young for him. My son has a summer birthday and we waited to send him to k because he was young for his age and not ready to sit. If your son is almost 4, it sounds like a summer birthday - you may be in the same boat. But my daughter is very shy around peers. It is just who she is, and it has actually been a good thing for getting through middle school without the ridiculous drama the other girls are going through. She has a few very good friends, is very comfortable spending time at home with family or in her room alone, and is pretty self sufficient.

With my kids, I always told them in advance what was expected of them. My kids were on the shyer side, so we did a lot of role playing/practicing what do or say when someone says hi. (Give good eye contact, say hello back in a voice loud enough to be heard, ask the other person how they are etc)

I am honestly not a fan of ignoring bad behavior. I also always made sure they would do what was expected immediately. That means if you say it is time to sit and listen to a story but your son wants to go get his truck first, I would walk over and help him sit right then and there. (I always gave warnings though...ie. in 5 minutes it will be story time and you need to sit on the couch. In one minute it is story time and you need to sit on the couch.
Honestly, if you do this with them when the are under a year by the time they are two, they just get it. A pet peeve of mine is when a parent will yell, do not stand on the furniture but the child continues to do so and the parent starts to yell. With my kids, soon as I saw the behavior, I would physically pick them up and say something like "feet on the floor". If you act, instead of speak your demands, you will find that your child is better behaved than some 8 year olds.

Unless you think your son has a disability, there is no reason he can not follow directions. Just be consistent.