My soon to be 3 yr old son is having adjustment issues with his new sister. He was the first grandson on my side of the family and has been the center of attention for 2.5 yrs. He is a bright and social child -hates to play by himself. His sister is now 7 mo. old. At first he ignored her but now his behavior is escalating. He has hit her with toys a time or two, kicked her once, screamed at her. He often says "don't feed her" or things to that effect when I have to take care of her. He has become very interested in testing limits with my husband and I regarding behavior. Even things he learned not to do long ago, like pull my hair, he has restarted. He runs away when I try to change his diaper. He won't get into his car seat without a fight. He refuses to go to time out. Taking away toys no longer works. We've even spanked, but it's not very effective either. Tonight, when I tucked him into bed, he pulled my hair. He when I asked him why, he was finally able to verbalize an answer he said " the baby". He said he was angry that I had a baby.I tried to explain how having a baby doesn't change our love for him etc. etc. but he wasn't accepting it. I'm rather upset by this. I'm not sure if these adjustment issues are normal and will just recede in time or if he needs counseling or what. It seems like after 7 mo. he should be better adjusted. Are there any good books to read about this type of thing? How can I help him understand/accept his family and hopefully change his behavior? What do you moms with sibling children think?
Due to vacation travel and a few other things, I had not yet instituted separate time with my son away from his sister. Luckily, she is crawling and cruising now and that seems to have sparked his interest in her. He now wants to play with her! He is still learning how to be gentle with her. He still sometimes hurts her on purpose but mostly by accident - but overall things are improving! He still tests us with his defiant behavior but in a general way, not necessarily regarding his sister. I do see a positive shift in attitude toward his sister - he now sees her as a playmate and it makes a big difference. Thank you everyone!
Spend extra time with him when the baby is with Dad or Dad when baby is with you. Tell him how important being a big brother is and explain how much his sis will need, love, and look up to him. Make him feel wanted, important and very loved (I know that you do, but make it more so)
Kids do need one on one time with both parents, make him feel really special.
I had this problem with my oldest.
First, you need to give him special one-on-one time. And tell him that its your special time with him away from the baby. Make sure you say that: "This is our special time, just you and me, away from that baby." Even an hour a couple times a week will probably be enough.
VERY IMPORTANT: Do NOT punish him for things he does to the baby. That will make him like her less, and probably escalate the behavior. Instead you need to mirror his emotions. "Life sure was more fun before that baby came around." "Little sisters take mommy's time away from you." "It's a lot more fun to be an only child, isn't it." "Wow, aren't little babies annoying." etc.
I PROMISE you this approach will make him act nicely to her, not the opposite. The more you say things that are close to what he is feeling, the more he will act the way you want him to. I've given this advice so many times. I learned about it through a speaker at my kids' preschool many years ago.
Save yourself YEARS of fighting with and being angry with your son and use the mirroring technique now. It works.
The next time he hits her or whatever, you will be mad and all your instincts will make you want to punish him, but try one of those statements instead, maybe two or three of those statements, and watch his reaction. I think you will be quite surprised to see his demeanor towards the baby soften considerably. If you say enough bad things about her he might even go over to her and give her a hug.
Let me know how it works.
My son acted out like this too with the birth of our youngest. We took him to a child therapist and she gave us some great advice. Since I was the one always home and he seemed to miss all the time he had alone with mom, we bought an egg timer. We sat down with him and explained that we know that he always had mommy to himself, that mommy misses all the time she had alone with him, but now we have this new baby and he needs mommy too. But since mommy misses her "special time" with him, when daddy is home and able to take care of the baby so mommy won't be disturbed, we'll take the egg timer and put it on 15 minutes and this is for "special time" between mommy and son. We will do whatever he wants, read a story, play with toys, play a game, take a walk, play bubbles, catch, etc. When the timer went off, if what we were doing wasn't done, we'd take an extra couple of minutes to finish up. We ended with a great big snuggle and kiss and "I love you." We did this every day for about a week and a half and things started to get better. We continued for another couple of weeks and soon he didn't need it anymore--when dad came home he stopped asking for special time. We made sure from then on to point out "hey, this is like special time" when we did things together (mix cookies, color, play), even if baby was with us. I made sure to try to include little brother (show him what you've drawn and tell him about it, can you line up his Cherrios on the high chair, read him a book, etc.) He grew to always want to include little brother, and actually was very concerned for his welfare. Good luck. Email me back and let me know if this helped.
I think this is about the most common reaction a child could have. I mean, what could suck more than going from being everyone's darling to playing second fiddle to a darling, adorable little creature who can't even PLAY with you?! It's enough to drive a preschooler over the edge!
My older daughter went through this when her little sister was born, and I made sure to give her positive attention when she did nice things (either for her sister, or just in general) - for instance, maybe I'd say, "Wow! I love how you cleaned up your toys! Isn't it great to be a big girl who knows how to do things like that?" I'd just try and get her to see how special it is to be the big sister.
She did learn to be nice to her sister. Although, funny story, I was about to praise her for singing songs to her sister and then I stopped to listen to the words. She was singing, "I'm the first one, I'm the best one, and you're the ugly baby, you're the stinky baby!" All sung in a very sweet voice, baby sister smiling her big gummy smile... it was all I could do not to die laughing on the spot!
Check out this website www.handinhandparenting.org. Talks a lot about special time for your son and also something called playlistening where you would draw your son into play, and he has the opportunity to have the bigger, stronger, or more powerful role for a change.
There's also the books 'How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk' and 'Siblings without Rivalry', but they might be more helpful when they're older.
Dr. William Sears has a book called 'What Baby Needs'. My son likes one called 'Lulu and the Witch Baby'. You could ask the librarian.
I remember reading somewhere a mom lighting a candle to show her love, then lighting another of the same size to show her love of their dad, then lighting smaller ones from hers to show her love for the children. She still has all her own love, love for dad, and love for each of the children.
God bless you!
Is there any way you can get a babysitter once a week for a few hours for the little one? If you had a weekly "mommy and son" day where for a few hours you two just bonded, read books, went for walks, to the park, etc. do you think it would help him? It would give him something to look forward to, and you could make a sticker chart for things you would do that day. IE, "pick up all your toys without whining and we will put a sticker on eat a cookie with mommy on our special day!" "Treat baby sister with love while mommy makes dinner and we will put a sticker on eat ice cream at the park on our special day!"
Take off stickers for bad behavior, and let him earn them back with chores. (Dusting, picking up sisters toys etc.)
By giving him undivided time with you, you satisfy his desire for more attention, and by making him "earn" the activities you two do could help him adjust his behavior.
Good luck!
It sounds like he is trying to get your attention. Try to spend time with him as well as the baby. Praise him for appropriate behavior. Be firm on harmful behavior. You need to protect your daughter and yourself! Since your son refuses to go to time out, pick him up and carry him there. If he gets out, put him back in.
Include your son in activities that will make him a Big Helper or Mommy's Helper. Make him feel included. He could choose a diaper for his sister. He could choose her outfit for the day. If she spits up, maybe he can grab a towel or a burp cloth. Thank him and praise him for his help. When nursing, have special activities that he can do that only come out during this time. Since my daughter loved books, I read books while nursing the baby. That way she still had one-on-one time with me. The baby just happened to be there! : ) One of my friends used an ABC floor puzzle. When her oldest son put in the right letter, she would tell him a story using that letter.
When your daughter is napping, try to spend some time just with your son. Do an art project, cook, play outside, play games. Of course you do need a nap during one of your daughter's naps, so you can relax, rest, and not be grumpy for the rest of the day. (I know, I have trouble from being grumpy, too!) Hopefully your daughter is still taking 2 naps so the morning nap your can spend with your son and the afternoon nap you can rest while your son is napping or "having quiet time". My soon to be 5 year old has "quiet time" where she plays quietly in her room in the afternoon. During my youngest's afternoon nap, I get to rest, too!
Do you have books about being an older sibling? Find some. Your local library should have a good collection. (I ransacked my local library 2 months before my baby was due to get as many books as I could for my daughter.) You can also find some good ones through Amazon if you looking for books to own. There's one by Joanna Cole called I'm a Big Brother. Marc Brown also has one called Arthur's Baby. We have the video copy of Arthur's baby where it also included D.W.'s version of the same story. There is also real kids talking about their younger siblings.
When my baby was little (under 2 months), she "gave" a couple of presents to her older sister for being a "great big sister". You may want to try something similar with your son. It was extra special at the time since it came from the baby. Since you are having behavior problems, you may only do it when he has a streak of appropriate behavior toward your daughter. We did the presents when my baby recieved a present and my oldest didn't. We didn't want our oldest to feel left out. 3 year olds are very aware of presents!
Likewise, before my baby was born, I went shopping with my daughter. She choose an outfit for the baby to come home in. Since my daughter has a lovie, she choose one for the baby (I grabbed 2). Both of my daughters love their little blankets. 2 years later, my oldest daughter still remembers choosing the blanket for her sister. My youngest has to take her blanket everywhere! Maybe your son could choose something special for your daugher?
My children are about the same amount of age difference. My oldest was 2 3/4 when her sister was born. While I didn't have the extent of your problems, my husband and I still had to deal with the jealousy. Our kids are now almost 5 years old and 2 years old and they love spending time together.
Good luck!
Perhaps all he needs is alone time with each of his parents to reassure him that he is not being replaced. Maybe make plans to have a "date" once a week with just him. Also, I have heard suggestions as to give him special jobs to help with the new baby. And, everytime he does his "job" then he gets a sticker on a chart. After so many stickers, then he gets a reward. Maybe doing this will give him some connection to the new baby. Good luck with what ever you decide, I know its hard.
As the baby gets older and connects with him point out to him how she thinks he is so great because he can do X, Y, Z and she can't because he is bigger. Also point out to him how she looks up to him and thinks he is the greatest brother. Be sure to spend time with him without the baby so he knows he still has time with you. And tell him it's not ok to hit or pull hair and give him a time out when he does it but try not to associate it witht he baby so he doesn't connect the time outs to her. Hopefully he'll grow out of it!
Good Luck!
K. C.
These are all fairly normal reactions for older siblings, but whether they recde in time or not will depend on how you handle them, to a large extent. if you haven't already read 'Siblings Without Rivalry' by A. Faber I highly recommend you do so (i all your copious free time-- I know, I know). It's an easy read and can make a world of difference for your family.
The best advice I got when expecting our second child, was to make the first child feel special for being the big kid. When my daughter was born, we tried to always point out all the fun and special stuff that our son could do since he was a big boy. when his daddy took him to the store by himself, we'd say, "you get to go with daddy because you're a big boy! The baby has to stay home and take a nap." Or we would say something similar if we had pizza, or a special dessert that the baby couldn't have, etc. It's very important to involve them in the care of the baby as well. Make them proud to be your big helper. Let him wash the baby's feet in the bath, or let him pick out her clothes. Anything that gives him a little bit of control over the situation and makes him feel needed. Then make a big deal out of telling him, "what would I do without my big helper? You are such a great helper for mommy!" Or something similar to make him feel like he's done good. And don't forget to tell daddy and others what a big helper he has been, (in his earshot, of course). Kids love to please their parents, and when he feels needed and appreiciated, he might feel better about the baby.
Is there a golden nugget inside this misbehavior? It sounds like he really loves you and he's very attached to you. He's just expressing it with negative behavior. Don't let that distract you from the fact that he wants to connect with you. Help him find a better way to do it. Let your love and your intuition guide you.
Clearly you take all of their needs seriously..which will make it easier to saturate him with love (not things) and make it from YOU
Hard to do..but take him alone on many excursions..to the park, a walk...play ball, cook with him, dig sand, read with him,,,read siblings without rivalry...and just know he is needing something..clearly give the reaction positively to his sister and make it clear that anything negative will have you focus on her..and anything he does positive will turn your attention to him,..You might feel a bit fake but he needs some positive reinforcement...
A part time helper to help you split yourself a couple times a week would be hugely helpful. The high school kids are looking and reasonable.
I will share with you that my two children, boy older than sister by 3 years ...are thick as thieves...very close...and one thing I would not do is villify the baby...I would encourage his nurturing heart and not make it about getting away from baby but just how much you want to be with him no matter what or who..this will open his heart up as well.
Hi Laura,
I really feel for you in many ways. Before I had my second son my older son was 2 when I found out I was pregnant. He stop taking naps and my husband was traveling every week to LA. My life was a blur up till about 3 months ago. Baby came 5.5 weeks early and I couldn't find my husband in LA. (I finally did 3 hours before baby came). My goal before baby came was to get my son into a bed and potty trained. I got him into a bed was about it. My baby had acid reflux we found out at 4 months old and I thought my life was a nightmare and I had no husband to help me as he was traveling. My other goal was to get my older son into preschool before baby arrived which I did, but the school was not a good fit for him so that was an additional nightmare as I was making all the decisions on my own. That is when I finally joined a mom's group. I never thought I would do it but I noticed my older son was bored since all my attention was with the baby now. Like you when it was just him he was the center of my world and now it has to be shared. The playgroups helped a lot with him even though he was in school 2 half days. I was living on 3 hours of sleep a night on top of it since my baby was spitting up and in pain from the reflux issues even with meds. There were nights I just sat at the crack of stupid (2,3,4,5am) crying. My first son was so easy. I use to say i was being punished for something I did in my life. I can't tell you how many times I yelled at my older son. I was so short fused all the time. What i finally did when my baby was 3 months old was hired a girl to come help me 3 days a week during my most difficult part of the days. Just a mother's helper. My older son use to be baby sat when he was a baby by this girl. We made her speacial to him. That she was there to play with him and do anything he wanted. Paint, do fun projects. We made a big deal out of it when i told him she was coming over. He felt important. I also started spending night time with him before bed when baby was sleeping. Talking about his day and how his brother is little and mommy needs to help him grow like i did with him. We made a big deal out of him being the big brother and helping me with his little brothers needs. At times i would ask him to get baby brother's bottle. I would put it on the table before hand to make it easy for him. When he got it for me I made a huge deal out of what a big helper he was. Getting his diapers, ect. Even feeding his brother once he got older. When things slowed down in my household I finally decided to try potty training with him and in a week he was in underwear. My baby was put on new meds at 9 motnhs old and life started to get better. The funny part of this is my husband stopped traveling after the dust settled. We are all getting sleep. So my adice to you is have speacial time with your son and speacial toys for him that are just his. Since I have the same sex I just assumed they can all share the toys. YA RIGHT!!! I started a treasure box with my older son. I went to Michaels and got a little box with a lid he could color and make his own and then he got to pick out little wooden pieces, shapes objects that he can put in the box. Since they are small I didn't want his brother getting them and putting them in his mouth. So when baby was sleeping, i would tell him he can bring his "treasure box" out. So he knows this is a time just for him. Make it a big deal is all i can say. Its so hard. Going from 1-2 children is insane. i knew it would be hard at times, i never imagined it would be nuts.
Hang in there. It will get better.
SAHM/zombie 40 yrs old with 2 amamazing, funny little boys. 3.5years old and 11 months (turns 1 tomorrow)was walking at 7.5 months. My life is busy with boys and Im trying to soak it all up.
Much of the behavior you describe is common for a 2 1/2 year old anyway. And actually the fact that he's showing the jealousy of the baby more now than he did earlier is not surprising. Think of it this way... before, the baby did take a lot of your time, but now the baby is starting to be more mobile and probably gets in his way, tries to play with his toys, and probably with him, and just generally is a 'bother' to him. This isn't an easy stage to deal with in the lives of your kids, but you can get through it. I suggest that you do your discipline from a positive side as much as possible. You will likely need to be constantly available to the children during times when both are awake and playing. I mean possibly be there on the floor playing with them, or sitting in a low chair watching them as they play. Direct your son in how he plays in a very positive way, and when the baby starts to bug him at all, be sure you let your son see that you will intevene and teach the baby to give him space and leave his things alone. Of course it goes without saying that you intevene and prevent your son from bugging the baby too, but in as positive an attitude as you can. Be firm about him not harming the baby, but no yelling or spanking. If you can at times put them where each can play without getting to the other ... use gates or whatever to separate them ... that's good too. But they do need to learn to play together, and you won't help that by keeping them constantly apart.
Your son needs plenty of assurance that he hasn't been replaced and that he is loved. He does need some discipline regarding his treatment of the baby, and you must be clear and firm with him on that, but with an attitude that doesn't make the problem worse. One thing that may help is if he does hit or hurt the baby, teach him to be part of the consolation process by having him sit with you and give gentle touches. You'll find times when it's obvious that the baby is showing affection for your son too. Be sure to point out to him how much the baby likes him and looks up to him as the "big brother" (sometimes that phrase is almost magical!)
I know it's not easy, but then who said having and raising these precious children was supposed to be easy?
Hi Laura,
Boy, three is a hard age isn't it? All this talk about the "terrible twos" and I always thought three was much worse.
It sounds like your little guy is misbehaving because what he's doing gets the greatest reaction from you. Unfortunately, I don't think there's an easy fix to this. I think he's probably feeling like he's not getting enough attention or from his perception she is getting more.
It is tricky when kids get to be a little older and more independent, especially when a sibling comes along. We expect them to do the things that they are capable of (and rightly so,) yet when there is a younger sibling involved they see all the things that we still do for the sibling but not for them.
I would pay close attention to any pattern you might see of when he's pushing. What a great thing that he is already aware enough and able to tell you that he's hurting you and the baby because he's jealous. That means that he understands a lot and will be easier to talk to/reason with and change the behavior. But you'll also have to increase the positive attention you give him and the praise for doing things that you probably just expect him to do. it doesn't sound like the punitive approaches are working so I would work on increasing your affection and communication with him. YOu can compare him to the baby by talking about how big he is and all the big kid things he can already do. Involve him in helping with the baby so he can be part of that time where you have to take care of her and won't feel left out.
You said that you feel like 7 months should be enough time for him to adjust to his new sibling, but she has probably recently become really mobile and now she has greater access to his things and if getting more attention from you because you have to keep closer track of her...?
The best advice I can give you is to try to stay calm and lessen your really strong reaction to the pushing. I wonder if isolating him in a time-out is making him feel worse and increasing the behaviour? I would increase your attention with him but not in response to the pushing necessarily and if he's verbal encourage him to use his words... It's hard to role play this in an e-mail, so if you like this approach maybe we can talk on the phone and you could give some scenarios of when he pushes.( E-mail if you want to and I'll pass along my number.)
Good luck. I think he's completely normal. This behavior will probably get better as he learns to deal with his feelings but it will take time. We still deal with a bit of it from our 3 year old (who will turn four in August...)
J.
First of all, you can't allow him to hit the baby, or take his anger out on you. When he tries, after you have stopped him, if he won't cooperate with time out, put him in his room by himself for a few minutes. They hate to be removed from the action. You can tell him that it's ok to feel angry, but it's not ok to act out.
Second, right now he needs more of your one-on-one attention, and more reassurance that he is "number one son," and always will be. Plan something special for him every week, when you leave the baby with your husband and take him out for a fun time. Your husband should do the same. Don't talk about the baby during that time, or about his bad behavior.
When you do talk with him, though, continue to tell him that, as the song says, "love is something when you give it away, you end up having more," and that there's no shortage of your love. Let him know, also, that he will eventually love his sister very much, and he will be proud of her, and be proud to help her learn things and to look out for her.
You might want to suggest to him, again, that when he gets mad about his sister, it's ok, but it's not ok to act out, so he should find a nice big pillow, and when he gets mad, he can give that pillow a good whuppin'. This kind of notion will at least give him a laugh!
Laura,
I'm sorry for your dilemma. It must be tough. I think some kids just have that issue: they don't want anyone else to share the family with. Honestly, as a younger sister who experienced this for many years (on the receiving end) some kids may NEVER quite get over it. But I hope you will apply compassionate limits: firm but loving. And I have thought that including the older kid as much as possible in household management might help with some. It may require years of vigilant interference on your part though (protecting the younger from bullying.) Good luck.
My son will be 5 when our baby is born. He is already very jealous if we pay too much attention to other kids and sometimes even adults. I found a great book on amazon.com called " Frome One Child to Two" by Judy Dunn. I got it used for cheap - I think it's got good info for parents and grandparents based on oldest child's age.
Meanwhile - make sure #1 gets special time with you and praise for good behavior. make sure at least once a day you tell the baby to wait because you are helping Big Brother right now. Have the grandparents take #1 on Big Boy outings - telling Baby - sorry you're too little to come. Do this a few times and he'll be so pleased.
You need to ditch the baby once in a while too to do things just with #1. Get a sitter - the baby will not be scarred by it. ;) Also, try finding a pre-school or some other activity so #1 has his own social life away from Baby.
Get the book!
