Older Child Having Trouble Adjusting

I know this is going to sound strange but maybe your little man could have "his own" baby to take care of. He is used to having mommy and daddy all to himself, and now he has to share but is not sure how to do that. When I was pregnant with my second, my mom went out and bought my oldest a life like baby doll and she could take care of while I was taking care of her brother. I know what you are thinking, boys don't play with dolls, but the idea is to give him an outlet for the exploring he is doing. By getting him a little doll and a play-set with some of the things you have for your new baby, he will be able to explore them with his doll and it should help alleviate his need to play with the baby's things. I know it sounds strange but your little guy is just trying to check things out and by giving him his own to play with he might just get the idea that these things are for the baby. Good luck and CONGRATS on your new arrival!

1 mom found this helpful

Oh, I am so there with you. We have a 3 year old (high spirited as well) and a 4 month old. Our 3 year old was great the first two weeks the new baby was home and then realized he had to share attention. He also wanted to get into all the baby things and we had to explain to him that he was too big and used big boy things now that the baby could not use. We also yelled a lot until we realized he needed more one-on-one time with each of us. Another thing we realized is that he needed something new to play with. We were given some legos for him and he is really into building with them now and leaves the baby things alone. Maybe getting him a new toy would alleviate some of the interest in the baby things. The most important thing, though, is the one-on-one time.

1 mom found this helpful

This is happening to me too. Especially for the things that used to be my son's but my daughter is now using, like the highchair, stroller,etc. The way we've handled it is that we let him check things out, old and new, and give it the 'big brother seal of approval' and/or safety check. Big brothers have to look out for their little sisters/brothers. He was allowed to play with an item once for the 'seal'. If it was an item like a bouncy seat, we had him put his favorite stuffed animal in it to do the check for him. It also helped him feel important in his new roll as big brother. If there is a toy that he really liked, we would buy him one of his own. We also have him help with diaper changes by having him be the entertainment/distraction.
Good luck.
M.

One thing that's helped my son is that we've been talking about how important it is to be a big brother and how much his little sister loves him, even though she's too little to say it. Also, every other week or so, when I put her to bed, I let him get up with me for a little while and remind him that I love him and tell him I miss spending all of our mommy-Andrew time together. He still gets her toys, but he does it less. I think (for him specifically) he needed to know that I miss him too, it's not that I don't care about him anymore. We also started reading and having other special mommy-Andrew only times. Another thing is that we started complimenting his small achievments-the things he's been doing every day for the past 2 years-like feeding himself, so he's not only getting negative attention. It's still a battle most days, but these things made it better for us.

Can Dad take the 4 year old on special outings so he will not feel neglected but special? Can you ask him to help you do little tasks like get you a diaper and then give him lots of thanks for his help. Tell him he is the awesome big brother now. AF

Maybe he if feeling a bit left out maybe? Try getting him more involved with the baby like helping out with diaper changings and being more of a big brother. This way he may not feel like he is not involved. When me and my twin brother was born, my older brother (at the time he was 6 when we were born) was acting up too and my mom felt that he may feel a bit slighted because of all the attention she was giving us so she let him help her out with feeding us, and letting him know he was a big helper and the big brother so he eventually stopped misbehaving by letting him be the big brother and being more involved.

Maybe this is why he may be acting up? He maybe feeling a bit jealous over the new family member. Just a thought. :-)

When this happenned to us, my older son was younger than your almost 4 year old, but this strategy may still work. Try making him feel as needed and as important as you can. Have him help with everything that he can....ex. Can you please get a burp rag for me? Can you please go get ___ and bring it to me to help (feed, change, whatever it is you are doing) your baby brother/sister? Then shower him with praise and affection when he's a big helper and explain how very helpful he is at helping both you AND baby. Once I started doing this, and showing him what he 'can' do, not yelling at him for what he 'can't', things got MUCH better in our house. Toddlers just eat the idea up of being a big helper. Reward with stickers, m&ms, whatever works for him until he gets the idea that you are overwhelmingly pleased with his nice and helpful behavior. I had also taught mine that when baby sister cries, if you bring her a paci and sing her a song, she'll stop crying and be happy. Still to this day if she starts crying, he will bust out singing whatever the song of the day may be in our house, and they both get to giggling with eachother about it. This is also tremendously useful in the car when you have the older facing fowards, the younger facing backwards....baby can't see you, but can see big brother, and he'll be able to help keep baby engaged and happy in the car, too. Hope this helps!

Let him play with the stuff, just guide him and let him know how important it is for the baby that he's careful with all of the new stuff. My older son was very curious about everything having to do with the new baby. Just let him satisfy his curiosity. Maybe it's his way of feeling connected to the new baby. You sure don't want him to end up feeling left out and isolated. Just let your son know that he can play with and explore the baby gear as long as he's careful. Let him get involved in other ways too. This might go farther toward satisfying his curiosity.

I am really interested in the responses also. My son just turned 3 and "sisterbaby" is due in 3 weeks. So far, we have REALLY tried to let him participate in the preparation for the baby. Yesterday, he helped me match her tiny socks and "threw" her onesies in a drawer. After he was in bed, I made everything neat. He is also intrigued with the baby swing, etc. so I let him put Pooh Bear in it and turn it on and now Diego is in the bouncer. I know I'll need new batteries VERY soon, but that seems to satisfy his interest in her toys. Good luck!

I think telling your older child that he is the big brother and has to help watch out for the baby and to take care of things might be a better approach.

Children want attention, so give him a role and positive attention. Also, reminding him that he had those toys too when he was a baby, but that he no longer is a baby might help too.

My daughter was four years old when her brother was born. She pretty much drove me nuts. You are tired enough taking care of a new baby and then the older one continually gets on your nerves. What helped my daughter was to get her involved with helping to care for the baby. Of course it's not really helping you out as much as it is letting the older child feel as if they are involved. Let him help bring you things you need for the baby and ask him to tell the baby a story (as he gets older he can read the baby a story.) Also try to praise him as often as possible. He needs attention right now, and if he doesn't get it then he will act out thereby getting your attention in a negative manner. You will not believe how much your son will be helping you out in the next year or two. My daughter would always play with her brother and keep him occupied so I could get the dishes or the laundry done etc. Also, try to do something special with him. Maybe while the baby is napping you could watch a video together or play a board game. Things will get better as time goes on. At least until the baby is 2 or 3 and they are constantly fighting over toys and things. I hope this helps.
Good luck!

Hello, K.! My daughter was born when my son wat 3 1/2. He is also rather energetic and high-spirited. You are not alone in feeling bad about--seemingly all of a sudden--getting frustrated with the behavior that stems from your son's natural energy and curiosity. On an emotional acceptance level, we had great success getting our son to accept the new family dynamic by explaining how important he was to it and how much she was going to love him and need him. We enlisted his help and participation feeding, changing, playing--and encouraged him to show her affection. And we gave him LOTS of positive reinforcement when he helped when asked and especially when he helped to soothe her without prompting.

As for the toys and baby gear, though (if your son is like mine) they're just as exciting and enticing to him as any toy that comes in a box for him--at least initially. To the extent possible, I would keep stuff that he could break out of reach and, if possible, out of sight. Otherwise, by asking him not to touch, you may be asking him NOT to do something he can't help but do without constant (constant) reminder. It may be more of a hassle to get stuff out and put it away, but at least you won't be stuck in a cycle of negative reinforcement that only serves to make you all feel bad.

All I can say is, patience. I have been where you are. My son was almost 4 when our daughter was born and he went nuts when we brought her home. The good news now tha she is 2 is that they are soooooo close. I tried to include him in as many things as possible, getting diapers for me, helping me pick out toys, and blankets. I congratulated him for being such a big help and a big brother. He loved it. After he felt more involved he basically left it alone. I think he just wanted to know he could have access to the new baby everyone was consumed with. THis too will pass and they will become great together. At this point my son believed my daughter was made to be his play partner

K.:

CONGRATULATIONS!!

Your son's world has just been rocked - for the last four years he's had all of your attention. Now, he has to share it.

Allow him to touch and explore - he's old enough to understand he could damage or break things - ask him to be careful.

Make a date with him - just him and do something with him - whether it be playing a game in another room without the baby or actually going to the park with him or taking him for ice cream - just the two of you. He needs to know that you still care and love him and see him - that's why all the yelling - he's getting your attention. In his mind, he doesn't care if it's positive or negative, he's getting it that's all that matters to him.

Let him help you with the baby - he can hand you diapers, wipes, etc. if you are breast feeding and pumping, he can stil hold the bottle. He needs time to bond with the baby as well - keeping him away will only build resentment, which could lead to aggression.

Bottom line - let him explore, maybe he can play with the baby when he/she is old enough to use a saucer or playmat. Give him time with just you - schedule it so it's something he will look forward to like a date - it will mean the world to him. Let him help with the baby - let him bond, include him, let him be the big brother and helper.

Everything will work out!

Take care!

K.,
I know you have a son but have you thought about getting a doll for him and doll furniture like you have for his sibling? He may be looking for attention as well as wanting to be apart of the baby. Graco makes all of these products for dolls and they are normally blue and yellow instead of girlie colors and you usually can find them at consignment stores so you can get then fairly cheap. Good luck, I have 5 and the 4 younger ones are very close in age so we would just get the baby furniture put away and have to get it back out and it never failed t hat the older ones thought it was their new toy. It is a struggle but it does get easier.

If he is very curious about baby things then you might get him a doll and some doll things to play with. Another suggestion would be to let him help with the baby and hold the baby with your help. He knows where the action and attention are right now so I would try to include him with baby things while also looking for ways to give him positive attention. Tell him regularly how much the baby loves him and what a big help he is it will help him as the baby gets older and is able to play. He will be more likely to look forward to playing with his sib. if he has not felt displaced by the baby.

These may not be helpful ideas, but instead of telling him he CAN'T do something...tell him what he can do. For example, when he wants to sit in baby things that he will break, tell him he can put his own toy, or baby or whatever in it..if he doesn't have one, get him one. Include him in taking care of the baby....if he is so interested in the baby stuff, when you need to use it, ask him to check it out and make sure it is ready and safe for the baby...or have him "help" change the diapers...by retrieving one for you (keep them in a certain spot), along with the wipes. Include him in making the bottles if you use formula (maybe let him shake it up a couple of times)...if you breast feed, tell him you want his company to come and sit with you during a feeding (although doesn't have to be every feeding). He just needs to feel like he is involved, rather than the baby is intruding...and getting him into all kinds of trouble, for simply being a curious child. Good luck!
K.

I had a friend with a similar issue. She and her husband did a few things with their daughter to let her explore. She was understandably very curious about all the new stuff happening in her house. They made sure that Abby had some one on one time with her mom everyday, so she could know that the new baby wouldn't take over all her time. (That alone was a big help.) They made sure to involve her during everyday things like diapering, dressing, and bathing. Maybe you could lay some baby clothes out for your son and let him pick an outfit for the baby to wear. He could help hand you the things you need during diaper and bath time while you explain what you are doing, and you could teach him how to gently bounce the baby seat. With my friends daughter it seemed the trick was to involve her and her make feel proud about being able to help and be a "big" sister. Just be careful not to put too much pressure on your little guy to be responsible, and try to give him some one on one time to snuggle with you and be your baby too.

Let us know how it goes!

Hi K.,

Its a hard transition for everyone!! My 5 year old had a tough time when we brought home his little sister. Some ideas would be to get some new special toys for him right now. All that new baby gear looks so cool and its really hard for a 4 year old to not touch something that seems so neat. Also, try to catch him being good, praise the heck out of him!! Ask him to help with new baby by getting a diaper or blanket, etc, that will help him to feel part of it all and not like the baby is just an intruder into his space- which is really true, especially from a 4 year old's perspective.

Get yourself some help so you can sleep when the baby does- honestly!! If you are rested you will have more patience with your big guy :)

Try to hang in there, it does get easier as it goes along!!!
Take care, S.

I think it is a little much to expect him not to touch any of the baby stuff. Allow him to explore it, but not to break it. Obviously, he cannot sit in the bouncy seat. Let him help--be the big brother. He can bring you the diapers and the baby clothes, etc. Let him sit next to you and hold his baby sibling. Maybe he would like to sing songs or read (even pretending) to the new baby.

Hope this helps.
G. T.

It seems like yesterday I was in your shoes. I have a 47 month old and a 8 month old. My son also wanted to get in all the baby stuff and he weighs 40 lbs. We found and alternative bouncy seat for him that goes up to 40lbs and I told him that was his "special seat". He helped me get diapers and blankets etc. I made a big deal about him helping me. I let him play with the baby toys that were not going to break and I also tried to spend some extra quality time with him while the baby was sleeping(although I desperatetly wanted to be sleeping). I know this time can be very tough...there were days I had to send my oldest to his room because I just did not have the patience. I also welcomed outside help! I asked my friends if they could take my oldest out for a couple of hours etc. because I knew he was having a hard time adjusting. Be patient with yourself and before you know it they will be making each other laugh and playing together. :) H.

My daughter had a hard time adjusting to my son, but she was younger (not quite 2) when he was born. But we experienced some of the same issues. She'd scream as soon as she was in the same room as him, she'd try to use all of his toys, etc. The way we did it was to offer her something special that the baby couldn't use. A big girl chair instead of a bouncy seat, etc. We did have to take away some of the items (such as the swing) b/c it was too much of a temptation for her, and we just didn't want her to hurt our son. She does (still) act up more since he has come along, so we do feel like we are yelling more. I have instituted a "no yell" policy in the house though, even if I get the urge, I will still talk calmly, and *sometimes* this works to calm my daughter down, if not, she gets a time-out until she calms down. My advice though, is to point out all the things that he gets to do/play with that the baby can't. And spend some one on one time with him so he still feels special (you and he, and then your husband and he). I wish you the best of luck, and I feel for you.

I hope some of this helps, I know it is difficult since every child is different.

I let my son play with the baby things, gently, when the baby wasn't around. He relieved his curiosity and realized that the toys really weren't any fun.

One rule in our house...it is never the baby's fault that we can't be with him right now. It's a mater or wording really. I never tell him, "I can't play with you because I have to feed the baby." That way he has less resentment toward her.

She is now 8 months and he loves her suddenly. He wants to give her milk, which is quite funny as I am breastfeeding. He can make her laugh and that is the most wonderful part!

So, hang in there. I know it's hard but try to stay positive with your son. Chances are he will not hurt the toys. As the baby gets older in the next few weeks, let him touch her and play with her. If the baby is off limits and the baby's things are off limits he is going to feel very left out.