3 Year Old Won't Sleep - Houston,TX

Updated on March 07, 2008
M.B. asks from Houston, TX
5 answers

My 3 year old daughter will not fall asleep without an all-out war. The other day, she didn't have a nap, and she usually takes a while to fall asleep so instead of the normal bedtime of 8, I put her in bed at 7:30. She was crying until 9:15. At the beginning, I put her in bed and told her, "You have to be a big girl. No crying, no whining, no fussing, no talking, no screaming. Straight to bed. Sleep all night. I'll see you in the morning." And I walked out. She began the screaming. I don't know what to do.

I went to Iraq last year when I was in the Marines. I was gone from my daughter for 7 months while she lived with my parents. I have been back since April 2007. I don't know if this is some sort of separation anxiety, but it seems like it shouldn't be. I'm sure this is just a phase, but it's like a switch. She's this wonderful, adorable little girl, but you lay her in her bed and she screams so loud. And she just screams, "I want you to lay down with me." Over and over and over. There's nothing wrong. Just screaming. And she'll scream this sentence over and over and over then stop for a minute while she yawns and then begin screaming again. I know that it is simply for attention. Last night I put her in bed at 8 and she screamed until 9:11.

I don't sleep with her and she doesn't sleep with me. She knows that. What can I do?

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

So What Happened?

Thanks everyone for your advice. Yesterday when I picked her up from school, her teacher told me that she had been very defiant at naptime. She said she would tell Kaley to lay down and Kaley would scream at her, "NO!!" So I was very very upset when her teacher told me that, but I didn't want to lose it. So when Kaley and I were driving back home, I said, "Kaley. When we get home, we're going to have a talk." She said, "No Mommy. I don't need to talk." Usually I say "we need to talk" when she's not listening to me, I'll say, "Kaley. Do we need to go have a talk?" And that consists of removing her from the situation and usually taking her to the bathroom and saying, "this is what i expect from you....we're going to go back in there and you will....or we'll come back in here." So she thinks of it as a bad thing, but I said, "No. Kaley. It's going to be a good talk. I just think there's maybe some things you'd like to talk to me about, so we're going to talk."

We got home and Kaley and I went straight to her bedroom. I asked her what was going on and she said that she was acting the way she was because she was scared. I said, "What are you scared of?" She said, "The mad angels." I said, "The mad angels?" She said, "Yes. They're putting on red lipstick and they want to fight me." I never thought she was going to tell me something like this. So of course, I felt horrible for getting so frustrated. Here she was scared of mad red lipsticked angels that want to fight her which is confusing within itself. So I explained to her that only angels are good and they're putting on lipstick so they can kiss her all over. I don't see the need to explain the difference of angels and demons to a 3 year old. Anyway, after that I just told her that her behavior was very disrespectful. And she's not allowed to yell at me or anyone else. She has to do what she's told all the time. I told her that it doesn't matter if it's me or her teacher or any other adult, when she's told to do something a simple yes mam or yes sir will do. I told her that bedtime is something as natural as eating or bathing and that there's no need to freak out the way she's doing. I told her that we were no longer doing anything before bedtime because it was building up bedtime to be a huge ordeal. Usually we read a book, say our prayer, then i scratch her back to 30. That's how she learned to count to 30. Anyway, I told her that if she wanted to do any of those things, it has to be during the day when the sun is awake. She listened to everything I had to say. She was very still.

Last night she went to bed without any problems. I stood in the hallway after she went potty and i kissed her in the hallway and said, "Goodnight. Go get yourself in bed you big girl you. And she said, "I want you to hold me to my bed." I said, "I can't because if I do that, you'll want me to continue to hold you and we're not doing that. Goodnight." And I didn't say anything else. I stood there with my arms crossed staring at her. It was a stare down for about 30 seconds then she ran off and got in bed. She slept all night. She has been an absolute doll today and right now is taking a nap. She also put herself in bed for the nap and has been sleeping for almost an hour.

So thanks for your responses. It's refreshing to have my Kaley back.

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

D.N.

answers from Houston on

I strongly recommend the book Healthy sleep habits, happy child - it is by a paediatrician and has been a great support to my huisband and I in dealing with our two year old twins and their sleep habits. We take great comfort in knowing that however hard it is, the best thing we can do is let them cry and learn to put themselves to sleep, and back to sleep if they wake during the night. Almost every time we break down and go in to them, we have successfully made things worse as they start from scratch and it is on! Very rarely has there actually been a reason for us to go in (such as a dirty diaper). We have learned the hard way that they just have to work it out for themselves. I think with your daughter, it wouyld be worth checking that the routine is similar to her experience with your parents while you were away, and to reassure her that you will be there in the morning, and maybe even to get a clock with a clear digital display and let her be responsible for coming to get you at whatever time works for you in the morning, say 7, so she can know you are still there and her job is to make sure you are awake at 7:00, and not before! She might enjoy this responsibility. Good luck!

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.M.

answers from Houston on

Dear M.,

I know there are a lot of 'experts' out there who advocate teaching your child to sleep alone at a very early age. There are also a lot of experts who say the opposite: that there's nothing wrong with sleeping with your child (or at least staying with them in bed until they fall asleep); that the sort of independence the "cry-it-out' advocates like to foster is in fact age-inappropriate.

think about it: is your daughter asking for something that is wrong? she wants to be close to you and she wants your attention. That sounds perfectly within the bounds of a mother-daughter relationship. If you are then in the additionally difficult situation of having been away from her for that long, then it is even more understandable that she would be worried for you to leave her.

Sleep for youg children can be scary, because it is a kind of involuntary good-bye to the world. If you go to sleep, who knows what's going to be there when you wake up (or not be there)? It takes a long time for children to get used to that. At a young age what they most need is to be reassured that adults that love them will be there for them, will soothe their fears and be close to them. That's how they acquire independence, not by being expected to have it when they aren't ready for it.

Your daughter must have been very brave and suffered through a lot already when you were away. I don't want you to feel guilty about that, but it sounds like she needs you to understand how afraid she must have been that you were never coming back, and that she is now showing the consequences of that, as well as 'making up for' the time you were away.

It seems backhanded to me if in our efforts to foster independent children we instead withhold comfort and closeness.

I still put my 3-year old to bed (stay there until he's asleep) and it's really quite nice and cosy! I work, and so it ensures that if we haven't had any snuggling time during the day, we'll get it at night. Occasionally I fall asleep there too, but I don't see a problem with that. I always remember just how scary it was to lie alone in the dark when I was a kid.

On mothering.com you can find a lot of great articles about children and sleep.

Good luck! All the best,
G.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.G.

answers from Houston on

The same thing happend to me for a while. I give her a lot of warning that bedtime is coming. We read two books in bed and then I lay with her for 5 mintues. When we first started this routine I laid with her for 10 minutes and we set a timer. When the timer went off she knew it was time for me to go. I have decreased it to 5 mintues and I count out each minute, 5 minutes, 4 minutes....

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

M.B.

answers from Houston on

I think that part of it is her age...both of my girls went through something similar when they were 3. I also had to put my oldest to bed and just let her scream...it makes you feel awful, but it shows them that you mean what you say.

I just tried to have the same nightly routine with some time for us to "snuggle" while reading books or watching a kids movie together before bedtime. When my youngest stopped taking naps during the day she went to bed a lot better because she was so worn out!

Hang in there and just know that this will pass! Good Luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

R.M.

answers from Houston on

You might try watching "Supernanny" on ABC. It seems like that show frequently has people with similar problems, and what she teaches the parents is amazing. The kids all respond very well, and quickly, too. I think the books you've had recommended are great, too, but being a single mom, watching an hour show might be better for you time-wise!

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches