3 Year Old with Temper

I would say this is definitely part of her age, but that doesn't mean it isn't annoying and inappropriate. I have found that when my own (three-year-old) daughter throws such a fit, it usually means she's feeling like she hasn't received enough attention. When she gets out of control, the best thing I can do is leave the room for awhile. That's definitely not what she's looking for, or what she wants me to do, but she gets the idea that yelling and screaming is not the way to get what she wants. When she finally calms down and we can talk reasonably, I'll come back in and tell her, "Let's try again." Usually by then she's ready to. She goes through stages where we she won't throw a tantrum for months, then all of a sudden it'll flare again, and I've found that it's usually when I've become distracted with too many other things to do and haven't been giving her the time she needs. We tend to get to a point where I'm just dragging her along with me where ever I need to go, instead of doing things with her. So when she starts throwing tantrums, I know I need to work on my own life a little as well. I try to clear out my schedule a little and spend a bit of extra time with her (when she's calm, that is) and, eventually, the tantrums go away.
Along with all that, I try to praise her for doing good things. When she's at her worst, it's hard to find anything to praise, but that's when she needs to hear it the most, so look hard. I have seen a lot of kids when they get older rejecting what their parents tell them, because they are always being criticized and never praised. If my daughter doesn't learn anything else from me, I want her to know that it's worth trying to do what's right and that even when she makes mistakes, her parents still love her. This is probably stuff that you already know, but I know how you feel. It's just nice to know you're not the only one dealing with it. Good luck!

Hi J.~We have a 3yr old daughter too & she likes to assert her independence so we've had a few tantrums lately...Maybe you could try allowing her to go into her own room -if she needs to release her frustration by yelling- & come back out to speak to you, in a voice that you can understand, when she is calm. I tell my daughter that it's difficult to understand what she's saying when she uses her voice that way & it's usually effective.
Good luck! -P.

When I worked at a daycare we used to respond with "use your words" and encourage them to tell you what they wanted and how they were feeling. We would get down to their eye level and try to get them to talk to us. If they still carried on, we'd put them in a brief time out and keep trying again until they could talk to us more calmly. You definately don't want to reinforce the behavior by giving in. The other thing that is helpful to avoid the tantrum is to offer choices. That will help her feel more in control rather than just hearing no all the time. It's helpful to go out of your way to postively reinforce good behavior too. Good luck!

Ignore her. I have 3 children all are grown up now, but my son was the worse of the lot. He would stamp his feet, stiffen his body and scream until he was hoarse. I videotaped one of his episodes to show him when he was older (he's 20 now). If she sees that it is drawing your attention and allowing her to get her own way, it will encourage her to keep doing it. Good luck!

If this is something that is more than just a normal temper tantrum and you are beginning to notice some other behaviors, you should probably have her evaluated. A multidisciplinary evualtion to start. My daughter is 6 and has severe meltdowns than can last up to 45 minutes and she can have two to three a day.

If she's easily redirected from some of the other advice than it's probably safe to say it's age, but if not, you may want to go the evaluation route.

It is definetly the age. My 3 1/2 yr. old generally has the tantrums when she is tired or hungry. Either have her help you prepare a snack or suggest she gets her special comfort item: pillow, blanket, toy and cuddle for a few minutes while watching a cartoon. We give timeouts for saying no to parents,5 min, if she continues after the 1st warning. I explained how frustrating it could be not to get what we want at any age. I told her while it wasn't ok to throw or hit, it was ok to go to your room and hit & kick the mattress. She seems calmer after a couple of minutes & we try to talk it out.Try signing her up at the community center to meet new playmates. She may be angry about the move if she was used to seeing other children regularly & now has no one but you. Good Luck

J.,
My son (now 3) also has a bad temper. Unfortunately, I think he gets it from me! Anyway, almost a year ago we were having problems with him hitting my husband and me. A good friend recommended the book- "1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12" by Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D. It worked for my friend and it has worked wonders for us. It address all sorts of negative behavior- not just temper tantrums. Maybe it will help you as well.

Good luck!
J.

Hello! We have same problem with our 4y/o and 2-1/2y/o boys. I am told we are supposed to either ignore the behavior or redirect them to something else. This seems to help most of time, but sometimes we just let them work it out on their own (tantrums) if they dont get any attention doing it they seem to calm down faster.

We just moved to the Milford area (The woodlands) in May, where are you in relation to that?

I have a son with ADHD and he is now 8. he was diagnosed in kindergarden. He had very similar problems. If you do not address it now it def will become a bigger problem. My son was a mirror image of me so everything you do she will do. You have to teach her early there are circumstances to her actions even at her age. Punishment can be sitting in a corner, sit in bedroom, take toys away until she earns them one by one. Depending on when her tempers are, you should act accordingly. You have a child that you have to learn how to do dif things. I had to realize that i had to change alot in order for my son to change. it is a very hard process but worth it in the end. Dont give up! Be strong!

I am having the same problem with my 3 year old daughter. I'm waiting out her tantrums and trying to calmly explain to her why she cannot do something. If she throws a toy or stuff animal, I remove it from her and she cannot have it again until the next day. I'd like to see what everyone else has to say about this issue!

I knkow the feeling as my daughter who is about the same age as your does that not so much but doesnt like to hear the word no.... I try not to tell her no alot as I know that word sets her off... I try to to valdate her feeling or wants, "I know how much you want to do (what ever it is) we can do that tomorrow right now we have to do this... when she throws things you just say "no throwing" and take the object way and move her to a safe place and have her sit down, when she throws tell her I see your upset or mad right now, you can use your words to tell mommy. and give her the words, your upset because mommy wont let you do this and explain why she cannot. it take a few time and at times can get frustrating but now at least my daughter tells me why shes mad and if she does try ot hit she goes a sits down in a certain spot for a few minutes casue there is no hitting or throwing things, I tell her he that so she knows what will happen if she does those things.... good luck its a hard stage...

hi jen

yes part of her temper is do to her wanting to assert her
independence. You also need to stand your ground with her. Alot of times they are getting a reaction from the parent or care giver, that makes believe they are in power struggle.
first make sure that everyone is on board with how you are handling the situation.. this way she is not getting mixed messages. if you she has a tantrum in the store or during a activity remove her and go home.. i know sometimes it's hard but after a few times she will know you mean business .
also remain calm and keep a soft face during these episodes.
i know it will be tough but this shall pass too..

One thing that my doctor had told me with my daughter is to make sure that you give her choices through out the day. Some things are not up for discussion but if she feels she has a say in some things others might not be such a fight. For example give her a choice of 2 outfits and let her pick. Let her pick chicken or pork for dinner. let her pick which book to read at bedtime. The trick is to give her only a couple choices or as my doctor said she may be wearing a bathing suit to school in the middle of the winter. My daughter still has her moments I think all kids do. But they are much less than they were and she feels more grown up and in control of her world.

My son, now 5, has tantrums from time to time. The only thing that works is for me to totally ignore him. When he tries climbing on me during his fits, I simply remove him and walk away. After a few attempts he realizes that his "fit" isn't going to get him anywhere, and he'll calmly and politely tell me what the problem is. It usually takes 3 - 5 minutes to get to this point, but after trying time outs - which would take multiple attempts and many disruptions to what I was trying to do (usually about 10 - 15 minutes of time on top of it), we were still no further along. The pediatrician actually recommended to "ignore" the behavior attempt - and fortunately it has worked! My husband has major issues with the ignoring approach, and he will send him straight to his room, where we will not respond to his yelling and screaming (basically ignoring him) until he is calmed down and speaking reasonably to us. This usually takes about 5 - 10 minutes (a little longer than my approach), but still effective. His tantrums are fewer as he gets a older, and hopefully soon will be gone completely, but in the meantime I've found ignoring him works best. Good luck, and bear with it, eventually it will pass!!

I just saw something about this on TV yesterday: the "expert" on the show said to stop telling the child what NOT to do and start telling them what to do instead. So if she is playing with something on the table, instead of saying "Don't play with that on the table!" say, "Please play with that on the floor." Or if she wants something in a store, instead of telling her "No, you can't have the cookies" say "Why don't you help Mommy pick out vegtables for dinner that Daddy will like." Kids can't always come up with an alternative to your instructions of what NOT to do, so they keep trying to do it. If you give them a positive alternative, it gives them another direction to go in that you know you approve of. Worth a shot!

Hey J.,
My son started doing the same thing when I became a full time saty at home mom. I put him in time out and made him tell me why he was there and what he'll do differantly next time before I let him up. I also took stuff from him. Hes 5 now and (knock on wood) I haven't had many problems.

Good luck!
T.

When she starts throwing things, tell her that this behavior is unexceptable. If it doesn't stop, make her set on a naughty chair, or stair, or mat (you get the picture). Put her into "time out" and don't talk to her when she's there either. If she leaves, then put her back and keep putting her back until she stays there (1 minute for every year of age). She needs to know that this is unexceptable and that you will no longer stand for this type of behavior. We have been putting our son in the corner since he was 18 months old. We had to stand there with him at first to make him stay, but now he's 2 and he doesn't it by himself. Even at 18 mos it didn't take him long to get that this was a punishment. Just give one warning and then she goes into time out.

My daughter is 4 1/2 and did go through a period that was like that. She would scream and kick and yell back, like nothing I had ever seen before. It was pretty hard to deal with, but for me I just tried to stand my ground as much as possible. When they are reacting like that sometimes you just want to give in so they stop, but they need boundaries, and I think she's just testing you. You could try rewarding good behavior, instead of focusing on the bad behavior. It'll get easier, my daughter still gets mad when told No, but the temper is not quite as bad. Good luck!

I went through the same thing with my now 4 yr old. Time out worked best for me. I would sit her in a quiet room. Explain why she was there and walk away. I would give her enough time to calm down, and then go and talk to her and reinforce that that kind of behavior is not acceptable. She would apologize and life would go on. I also would take stuff away. Like if she had a tantrum, threw things or hit, I would not let her watch Dora that afternoon. My 7 yr old was easy going at that age, so it was very frustrating when I had this problem with my youngest. Just hang in there!!!!!

I have a son who is 3 1/2 as well I am have the same problem! I chalk it up to his age. I am a stay at home mom as well. He went to summer fun program two days a week for three hours this summer and they never had a problem with teling him no. So maybe it is his age and then again maybe it is that they are seeing how far they can push us as parents!