3 Year Old Sleeping in Mom's Bed; Is It an Issue? If So, Who's Issue Is It?

S.,

First of all, go to this web site and read up. www.sleepsense.net. Sleep Sense offers a "stay-in-the-room" method of sleep training your lil one. This will help reduce the anxiety on both your parts without using the "let him cry it out" method. It will also help you to set up a set bedtime routine that will "trigger" your child to know when it is bedtime. This is a program that is available for purchase. I do not receive any commissions for plugging it....my husband and I are just trying it because we have the same sleeping issues.

I don't know how "detrimental" co-sleeping truly is for his well-being....but I know that eventually, he will need his independence to sleep in his own bed. *** Both of you will know when this time comes.

My husband and I are currently using these same methods and are having some success. Our situation is a bit different and we are dealing with cutting out a nightime bottle and separation anxiety on top of the sleep training, so our training is going a bit slower than expected. We do not use the "cry-it-out" method, simply because I fail to see the sleeping properties of vomit. LOL!

You can also try a bit of bribery by letting him pick out his own (toddler) bed and the theme of the covers, sheets, etc.

Also, consider using soft lights and chamoille (sp) and lavender children's soap and shampoo during bathtime - before bedtime. These two scents have a remarkable relaxing effect.

Best of luck!

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Good for you - and your son! You sound like a marvelous mother.

Fortunately, you're doing just great. Your instincts are right on in that especially right now, with such a huge loss for him, you don't want him to have to go through additional trauma. Now is absolutely not the time to transition him to his own bed. He really needs you right now.

Sleeping with their parents is really good for babies. It helps them to establish healthy independence and confidence later on, because all of their emotional needs are fully met, and they feel secure. That's how they feel safe about going out into the world later. They don't end up being clingy at all. Rather, they're ready to go! See ya, Mom! Let me out of here! Know what I mean? :) This is probably even partly why your son is such an exceptional little child.

My daughter, too, is showing a lot of independence, and she sleeps with us, and we carry her in a sling or her Ergo a lot during the day. Instead of breeding more clinginess, she wants to get out of our arms and play in her activity center, squirms around to look at trees, etc. She still likes to cuddle, but I think she is so used to that that she's "full" and wants to "be excused from the dinner table."

Here's an analogy: people don't warn you that if you start them in diapers from day one, they'll never get out of them. You don't see most 4-year olds in diapers, and certainly not 5-year olds. You transition them out when they're ready, and the more positive, supportive and patient you are in the process, the better it is for them and you. Similarly, if you suddenly force your son out of your bed, then, rather than helping develop independence in him, what do you think his thought process will be? He will only feel more insecure in his relationships, because the most secure relationship in the world to him developed a sudden rift, and he doesn't know why, and he is made to feel powerless in a relationship if you use the cry-it-out method. He learns that nothing he does matters, even to the formerly most trusted person in his life. This can also cause discipline problems, because, again, he learns that nothing he does matters/has an effect on those around him. Think: biting, hitting, being mean to animals....

When you feel that your son is ready - able to handle a new stage of growing up, after he has re-settled after the move and gotten used to Dad being gone - just gradually move him out of your bed. Start with a sleeping bag, mattress or whatever on the floor next to or at the foot of your bed. Use whatever works: a new teddy bear that you cuddle with him, a blankie, whatever, to help him get used to sleeping without you. When you put him to bed, be willing to lay there and rub his back or whatever till he is sound asleep. After a while, you can get up while he is still drifting off. Then, eventually, you can give him his bear (blankie/what-not) and cuddle them both, and as he is drifting off, you can walk away and he will learn to finish the job by himself and with the help of his sleep friend.

Eventually you can move his sleeping bag, mattress, whatever, a little farther from your bed, to the doorway, and just outside of the door. Encourage him all along, tell him he is learning to be a big boy and his prize is his very own special room. On the first night that he gets to sleep in his room, make it a really big deal, very special and give him lots of extra love and attention the day before he goes to sleep there.

Be very patient the whole while. If he develops any sleep disturbances or fights more than just a little and can't adjust without a little extra comforting from you, be willing to let him regress a little. It is his way of telling you he needs to take it a little more slowly. But you'll get there with him.

Keep up the great work. For more information, check out the Dr. Sears Nighttime Parenting Book. I think there is another sleep book from the Sears family, and there is an excellent Sears Discipline Book that helps with issues like getting them to sleep on their own. Couple of bucks for used copies on amazon.com!

L.

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Is there a law somewhere that your child cannot sleep in your bed? I agree with the poster that said, do what's right for YOUR child and YOUR family!

If your child feels better sleeping with you then so be it.

My son didn't need to but my daughter, who is 5, sleeps with me. I'd much rather her be confident and reassured than to be scared and "screaming it out".

Also, when your child is ready he will let you know when it's time. Just like bottles and potty training.

I have learned to go with the flow and not follow everybody else's way of doing things. Everybody else is a guide, you do what's right for your family and your child. It may be unconventional, but who cares?

Trust me, the older he gets the more bigger issues there will be. Whether or not he sleeps in your bed should be more about him than about what others think is right.

I say let him sleep in your bed. It makes him feel good doesn't it? Take that time for special one on one time.

Me and my daughter color for a little bit before we go to sleep. Trust me she's as confident as they get and we use that time to talk about things.

Who cares what is right by everybody elses standards? This is your child.

T.
http://www.wellnessiseasy.com

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If you're happy with it and he's happy with it, then it's a non-issue.
Anyone who tells you that you are harming him by letting him sleep with you needs to sit down and STFU.

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S., I think you are overthinking this and listening to negative advice. Three year olds love to sleep in their parents' bed. Personally, I enjoy having my kids in my bed. Mine naturally moved on to their own bed when it was appropriate. It is also different with different kids. My older son wanted his own bed earlier and my 9 year old would probably still sleep with us if we had room but the dogs sleep in our room too. LOL Anyway, don't stress out about this. My Mom told me repeatedly how horrible it was that our son slept in our bed. I just ignored her and if she asked me if he was "still sleeping with you?" I just said something like "hardly ever". Also, you can set up some rules about this without going cold turkey. Maybe you could sleep in his room some time. Maybe nap time could be in his room. I'm telling you though...if I was a single mom and had a 3 year old he would certainly be sleeping with me. Good luck.

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If you are happy and your son is happy - there is no issue. If you resent him being in your bed - then you should work on moving him. If not, let him sleep there. Eventually he will figure out that most school-age boys do not sleep with their mom and will probably help make the transition to his own room (age 5 or 6). I'll bet you would find that many single moms share the bed with their young kids.

As to detrimental - are people trying to tell you that he will always be a momma's boy? never be able to lead an independent life? have sexuality problems? because he slept with his mom at 3 yrs old?? Seriously - he is still so young, let him sleep and cuddle with you. Now if he is still in your bed at 12 - then you have a problem!

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All five of my children slept with us when they were little. Everyone of them transitioned into their own beds when they were ready all around 3 1/2 to 4 years old. My Doctor told us that whatever works for our family is what is best for our family and if that means we have a family bed then so be it.

Do what you feel is best for you and your son. Your instincts are never wrong. There are lots of people out there who are against the family bed, but this is your family so you do what you feel is best for your family.
Good luck A.

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S., My little girl did the same thing.When she was 18mos old We moved 3 times in 6 mos. I got so upset that she "needed" me all the time . Until I realized she needed the comfort of being close to me. I would complain and worry about it all the time (because I never got to sleep with my husband or in my own bed) I slept with her in a twin bed. BUT..... You have to do whats best for you, whatever helps you function best. To me it wasnt worth the fight and tears. She is almost 3 and now she lays with us until she falls asleep and I move her into her own bed. She will wake up in the night and call for me so I will go reasure her or get in bed with her.
I say ...dont worry about it. He wont be sleeping with you when he's in H.S.! He will grow out of it.
Have you tried getting him excited about having his own bed and room?
Remember do what works for you , dont worry about what society tells you is acceptable! Good Luck !

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I would start out the evening with him in his own bed. If he comes to you in the night ask if he needs anything and if he would like to go back to his bed. If he doesn't want to go back because of monsters or shadows, don't press the issue that night, but the next night enable him with a flashlight and special monster fighting tools so that he will be able to conquer his fears. With so much going on in your lives, I'd give him the reins on how much independence to give him.

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Hello! My son was about 3 1/2 when we started to transition him. It was also when we moved into a house big enough that he could have his own room, he has 2 older siblings. We let him pick out his stuff for his bedroom and we put a T.V. and DVD player in his room. He would go and play in his room and watch something he wanted to watch. We did not force the issue and eventually he felt comfortable enough that he wanted to sleep in his own room. The whole process took about 6 months or so. At first, we did allow him to watch something on the T.V. while going to sleep, then after about 2-3 months he started to fall asleep without it.

My oldest daughter would not sleep in her own bed until she was 3. At the time all my husband and I had was a full sized bed, so there was not room for her also. We placed her toddler bed right next to ours so we were always right there. This seemed to help her a lot.

I do not think that you are harming him at all by allowing to sleep in your bed. If this is what makes him feel safe and secure, then so be it. I hope this helps!

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i dont think there is anything wrong with him sleeping in your bed. i think its better for him to feel secure and trust you, than for him to be stressed and not sleep well.

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You are NOT hurting the well being of your child. My parents allowed us to sleep with them when we where kids. One Christmas I was home from college and we all got the stomach flu. The final straw for my mom was when the 3rd kid came downstairs and tried to get in bed with them. I was on one side and our other sister was on Dad's side. Even a king size bed isn't big enough for 5 adults!!. We got up made pallets on the floor next to their bed. We always knew that we where loved and safe. I am now a 43 year old healthy, adjusted, secure, successful adult with a beautiful family. Our son knows that he is free to come to our bed at night if he is scared, nervous etc. He did just last night. Had a terrible dream but said it was all better and went away when he fell asleep in our bed. Since you have moved into a new house, You can do what my sister did. She was a single mom and lived with my parents for 7 years after her son was born. ( Who also was not scarred by sleeping in the same bed as his mother, He is a productive adult headed to Australia for music ministry). She made a big deal out of his new room, they decorated it together, got new sheets for his bed etc. She told him he could sleep in it any time. He tried a couple of times and it was "too exciting" and he couldn't get to sleep. She would put him to bed in her bed and then move him when he was a sleep, he started waking up in his bed and realized it was ok. She found a great lamp that had a tape deck in it. It would play whatever tape you put in for about 30 minutes and over that time the light would gradually dim and at the end of the 30 mins. it was dark. It really helped him to relax etc. Who knows your kiddo better than you? Trust the instincts that God gave you and don't worry about what other people think. Let them raise their own kids. He will be fine. Don't dwell on the daddy situation or let him hear you on the phone etc, talking about it. Save that for after he is asleep or not there at all. They hear and understand WAY more than you realize. When he ask about it, tell him the truth AT HIS LEVEL, Daddy has decided not to live with us anymore but he still loves you etc. GOod luck sweetie. Be strong, you can do this.

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Both of my children slept with us at that age. I can't remember the exact age, but at some point we started laying down with them in their beds until they fell asleep. Then, if they woke up during the night, they joined us. DS is 10 now, and DD is 21. They both have turned out fine so far, and neither one is still in our bed. ;)

I think you are doing the right thing...responding to your son's needs. That is a good thing.

Editing this because I just read some of the other responses. Just because your son is sleeping with you at the age of 3 does NOT mean he will at 10/14/16. When children are ready, they move out on their own. They don't WANT to sleep with mom forever.

I repeat, you are doing a good thing.

A. :)

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Sleeping with his mom whom he loves is not going to destroy him as a person. Let him sleep with you. He will not be 17 and wanting to sleep with his mom so this too will pass. When he feels comfortable and "grown up" he will fix this problem himself. Until then, enjoy your snuggles. Soon enough you will be without a cuddler.

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I don't think it is a big deal at all. K still sleeps with us on occasion. She really started wanting to sleep in her own room when she had a best friend come over to spend the night. We have a toddler bed and baby bed in our bedroom right now and K doesn't want to be left out.

We do insist she wear a pull up if she gets into bed with us though, I am not one to enjoy sleeping and getting waken by warm pee flooding around me. LOL....

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You are both going through a difficult time. My daughter didn't want to sleep alone either. So what I would do was go in her room, get in bed with her until she went to sleep. Sometimes I went to sleep too, but later I would go back to my own bed. That way you both get your cuddles and feel safe. But he will get used to waking up in his own bed and eventually will feel safe. Also, you will transition with him so you feel safe with him in his own bed. But be gentle with the transition and don't beat yourself up. If he's still sleeping in your bed when he's in high school, it's an issue, but at 3, not so big a deal.

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Just wanted to let you know don't feel bad...I just got my four year old out my bed, but he is still in my room. I guess I have the same issues as you because his room is on the other side of the house so I feel more comfortable with him by me. But I also had the issue of not sleeping well with him in the bed with me because he is a horrible sleeper. He told me he did not want to sleep in his own room so we compromised, he could still sleep in my room but in his own bed. So we went to Wal-Mart and I let him pick his new "BigBoy" bed. It is a toddler bed so it fits good at the end of my bed without taking up too much room. It has been very successful. The only issue we had at the beginning was that he thought Monsters were under his bed, so I went bought some "Monster Spray" (water in an unlabeled bottle)and I would spray it around his bed and in the closet...works like a charm. I hope this advice is helpful to you. T.

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hmm..i don't know. I know someone who started out that exact same way...now, her son is almost 9 and still sleeps in her bed!!! It's really up to you. If no one is there to downgrade it, don't worry.

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Hi S.,
I think you should do what works best for you and your son. Personally, my son does not sleep in our bed but that is what works for us. You know your son and your family better than anyone else, family bed works for some and not for others and neither is going to damage him so just do what works for you. Good Luck!

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It seems to me yours is a special case because of the father's abandonment. Under those circumstances I would be very gentle if it were my son.
Aside from seeking professional advice, which I think would be a good idea, you might try letting your son pick out some things for his bed and room, like the bedcover, where the furniture goes, that would make him like the place. Also, talk to him about being a big boy, and do fun activities like reading and singing to him with him in his bed at bedtime. And if fear of the dark is an issue, be sure he has a night light. If it were my son, I would try to get him to at least start the night in his bed, but I would probably let him into mine if he felt he needed company in the middle of the night. But I don't know what experts would advise.

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I am interested in kowing what othrs say about this. My son is 2 and sleep with us. It doesn't seem to be hurting him at all! I do want what is best for him!

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well, S., this is definately your problem. at 3 he should be sleeping in his own bed...he should have been there a long time ago....i realize right now that you are single...what happens some day when you remarry and he is removed from your bed by another man....that's always been his spot....i would thing that would be very detrimental to his relationship with you and the new man....

and then, when do you plan to break the habit? at 10/14/16...when he moves out....i think you really need to look at this situation, you are justifying your need for affection....everything in your letter talks about what you need and why you did what you did....we can justify almost anything and make it ok.....good luck...R.

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You have had a lot of good responses - I skimmed through most and agree that it is not a problem at 3. Think of it this way...many many years ago, there were not enough rooms in a house nor enough beds for everyone. People co-slept all the time. It's this current age of abundance that gives room for argument on the issue. You'll be fine. We've been through lots of trial and errors with our oldest who is 5 and finally very successful at bedtime. It was our 2nd go-round with a reward system that sealed the deal, but I honestly think timing has so much to do with it...when he's ready and you pursue the transition, it will all fall into place. Best wishes!

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When my son was 4, I left his dad. We were in a strange place with a lot of strange noises and I only had one bed so he started sleeping with me. A year later, I decided he needed to be in his own bed so I bought him a nice one. He wouldn't move into it. Here's what we did - in stages. It took a couple of months.

At first, he could have a pallet on the floor next to my bed. Next step was moving the pallet to the end of my bed. Then it was moved to the inside of my bedroom door. Then the outside of my bedroom door. Then in the hallway halfway to his room. Then to inside his bedroom door. Get the picture? Ok, I never got him actually INTO his bed. He preferred his pallet for sleeping and his bed for playing but he was in his own room. Both of us slept better.

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You could try reading Dr. Marc Weissbluth's book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" for ideas on how to deal with this. The other thing is, if you treat your child like he cannot deal with (some) difficult things himself, like learn how to be content sleeping in his own bed, then you may train him to think he can't deal with other life challenges. You may also train yourself to always protect him, to nurture him TOO MUCH. I'm not saying to be hard-hearted and callous and so on, but part of growing up is growing away from parents, gaining confidence in one's ability to deal with things oneself. Sleeping in his own room is a sign of growing up, that he's able to be alone and be okay with it, and that's healthy. You might try reading "Making the 'Terrible' Twos Terrific!" by John Rosemond as well, since he covers bedtime battles and separation anxiety. Sometimes it's okay to provide extra nurturing during a period of stress or transition, but if it goes on past the stressful time, then it becomes a bad habit and hard to break.

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Well all the literature says to never let them sleep with you!! I kept mine in my bed for the first six months and then promised my husband that i would try at six months. I put him in his crib that night and he just stretch out and loved it. Broke my heart!! I know that everything says that you shouldn't let them sleep with you but i have several freinds who each one sleeps with a different child and the parents never sleep together!! I wouldn't worry about it. Especially, if you've had a recent move and his father has disappeared recently. When you feel comfortable try going to his bed and making it a fun experience. Read stories and maybe lie with him until he falls asleep. I'm pretty sure that you will get a zillion responses to remove him from your bed. But, i say, he's your child, do what makes you both feel the most secure. Time will work itself out!! My little brother, (i'm 8 years older), slept with me most of the night until he was out of elementary school. It didn't hurt him any!
Have a fabulous day and god bless!!

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Hey S.,

The best advice I can give you is to do what your heart and your son tell you to do. My 4 year old still sleeps with me,and I find it hard to sleep when she doesn't because I keep listening for her to walk down the hall (she's a night roamer), with my 6 year old coming in from time to time. Who can fault you for trying to get the right amount of sleep so you can function? No one. If it bothers you that bad, compromise, pull his bed into your room so he can sleep there. You'll have the comfort and security of knowing he's close by and the luxury of having the bed all to yourself.

Have a good nights sleep,
A.

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