2.5 Year Old Hitting and Mad

At that age my daughter would have tantrums, and for me it worked to completely ignore her. I did not try to calm her down. I did not interact with her at all. In fact, if I were in the middle of doing something and she was on the floor in the way, I would just step over her and carry on. She got no attention for it and thus the tantrum would stop faster.

Stop trying to calm her when she is in a full-on tantrum. Both of you need to learn to stop calming her, now.

It's natural to feel you need to calm a child who is distraught. But you are seeing that it doesn't work. Here's why:

One, once a child is deep into a tantrum, it has to burn itself out. Cajoling or distracting or being stern then will only make it worse and worse and fuels her fire. Mommy calming her "near the end of her tantrums" appears to work because she's burning down by then anyway. And she is also --without realizing and without doing it on purpose -- playing off mommy against daddy a bit here too. But she's not old enough to manipulate you on purpose so please don't think she's doing that; she's just acting on instinct and turning to you since she sees more of you each day, right?

Two, trying to calm her gives your attention to her and you don't want her to associate throwing a tantrum with getting daddy or mommy's attention.

If she throws a tantrum, do a lightning-fast look to be sure she's in a safe place (where she can't, for instance, fall down the stairs as she rages, or can't get her hands on the paints and toss them around) and then say ONE time only something like, "I have to go now but I can talk to you when you can use your inside voice" and then leave immediately! Turn your back and walk away. If she follows you fussing and yelling, repeat only that you can't talk with her when she uses that voice. Do something else in another room entirely, fold laundry, write checks, whatever, but occupy your hands and look at what you're doing. She will burn out faster if you and especially dad do this.

Stop trying to calm her but also do not yell or try to discipline mid-tantrum either. Just go cold and shut off your attention. It is hard to do, yes, and she is used to being calmed when she does this, so the first times you walk away, .she will be very thrown off guard and maybe even angrier at you for not doing what she now expects you to do. But it's really important to stop giving her attention, even "calming" positive attention, when she's deep into a fit. Believe it or not, she is starting to associate daddy with tantruming, and you need to end that cycle by ending the attention he gives her.

But there is a bigger picture to address here too. Please sit down with your husband and think through when she has tantrums and what precedes them. What times of day does it most often happen? Does it happen less on the weekends when she hasn't spent time in daycare (or school)? Does it happen when she is coming up on mealtime and it's been a while since she ate? Does it happen centered on denials, such as being told she can't have a cookie or can't go outside right now? Really evaluate when she's doing it. You are likely to see some patterns.

If you can learn the triggers for her tantrums you can learn to divert them with distraction; healthy snacks (truly -- a hungry kid can become an angry kid very quickly); and "No you can't do X right now, but look, you can do Y before dinner" and so on.

When he asks her "How was school?" is that at the end of a long day of daycare for her? Maybe she's tired and hungry and grouchy and doesn't want to be questioned. Or maybe she tantrums around early evening and it's a sign that her body is changing and she needs a little earlier bedtime (if she is growing she may need more sleep for a time). Or maybe she's so used to mom that dad's deep voice and bigger presence are frankly a bit intimidating even though he doesn't mean them to be.

In other words, think and feel like a 2.5 year old and not like an adult.

You say that you and your husband use the same approach when she's "behaving badly" but don't say what that approach is. Consistency is very important and you have that, but be sure that whatever you do with her is age-appropriate and not too long or too harsh or too disconnected in time from her "offense." For instance, at her age, don't take away a treat planned for tomorrow because she misbehaved today; she is still too young to fully connect that consequence with the behavior and needs immediate consequences. But those consequences should be simple, like a two-minute time out because she's really two, not a 10-minute one, for example.

Also, does dad come in from work and you and she have been together all afternoon? She may for now view him as an interloper and she knows his arrival means bedtime isn't far away, the day is ending, and if she doesn't like that fact -- he signals stuff she's not keen on. This is very normal for the parent who comes in the door at day's end either to be the adored one (because the child sees less of him or her and that parent is therefore new and exciting each day) or to be the rejected one (because that parent is interrupting time with the main caregiver parent and the arrival means the day is nearly done). Normal! And a stage. He might want to try arranging to see her during the day at times as a surprise and doing something nice with just the two of them. Ditto for you if you work outside home and don't see her until late in the day.

We nipped this in the by not giving any attention.

Purchase sets of ear plugs and keep them handy around the house and in your purse. They will not block out all of the sounds, bu they help to take the edge off. Insert as needed.

I would walked away, sometimes, she would follow me so I would go into the bathroom and tell her, "Privacy please, I am using the potty."

We would walk away. No matter how loud or how wild, leave the space the child is in and do not even look a them. There was one time our daughter was flopping around all over the place, so I picked her up and placed her in her room and shut the door. She proceed to kick her bedroom door. I still did not respond.. This was very upsetting, frustrating and ear splitting, but I was not going to break down. Yes it went on for almost an hour. It was not until I had not heard any sounds for a few minutes that I spoke though the door. I asked her, would you like a hug? She whimpered "yes". I opened the door and spoke quietly with her about how I knew she was frustrated and angry, because I would not allow her to go out and play, since it was so late.

My favorite tantrum was the last one. She was over tired. We were giving her a bath and she started whining. She did not want us to bathe her.I I cannot stand for whining. So I told her, you need to use your regular voice." Her answer was "No". I told her I am not giving you a choice, dad is coming in here to bathe you and she proceeded to scream her head off. Splashing and kicking inside of the tub.

I walked out of the bathroom, just far enough that she could not see me, but I could spy her. She screamed and hollered.

Then she would be very quiet so I would walk back in and she would start up again.. This went on and on.. She would be growling in a low hum. Then my husband poked his head in. She -- Screaming.. So my husband recorded the rest of the tantrum on a cassette recorder. 45 minutes of the child sitting in the tub, moaning, screaming, kicking,

He swears we could market it as birth control for teens.

Pretty much after that, she would start to have melt downs or tantrums and all we had to do was ask her, "Are you frustrated, mad or sad? And she could tel us. We would then ask, Do you need a hug or do you want to go to your room? She then could tell us what was going to help her.

It is no way easy to ignore when their screams, kicking and crazy behaviors come out, but you have to be the strong one and show them that tantrums do not change anything. You do not get anything for a tantrum, not even a reaction. If it happens in public, you decide. Have your child sit next to you on the ground or floor to have the tantrum, or leave and place your child in the car to have the tantrum.

When my son was about 3 ish he had some tantrums - only once in public - usually at home - not very many - but the tantrums he threw were doozies.
There's no reasoning with them when they are in full tantrum mode - but they can't be allowed to hurt themselves or others or damage things.

I'd haul him off to his room, sit him on my lap as we sat on the rocking chair and just hold him - not too tightly but not so loosely that he could get away off my lap - and we'd sit there till he was done.
He'd yell, he'd scream, he'd cry, he'd wriggle and buck (had to watch my chin that he didn't bang it with his head).
And finally when he was completely exhausted he'd get quiet, then turn around (I let him at that point), he'd rest on my shoulder and want 'rocky baby' time till he felt better - he didn't want me to let him go.
It's like he was afraid of how out of control he got and he wanted reassurance afterward.

Maybe your husband could try that.
Let them work it out between them.
You stay out of the way while they do.

Mel R is right on track. Our child was in psychiatric care (due to medical issues) at ages 2 and 3, to help her, and to help us learn how to help her.

Tantrums were a huge issue, and we tried everything (talking, holding, hugging, soothing, punishing, distracting, you name it). We had no success at all, and like you, we dreaded the tantrums.

The psychiatrist told us that we (my husband and I) would have to basically have a script to follow, as though we were in a play. No deviating from the script. It would have to begin at home and then it could progress to stores, playgrounds, etc.

The script went like this: as soon as the tantrum began, we both would remove all eye contact and interaction with our daughter. But we were to continue chatting with each other, or preparing supper, or doing the laundry, or working at the computer, or whatever we were doing. The psychiatrist said it would take good acting - award winning performances - because we might not be able to actually accomplish things while the screaming fit was happening but we had to both pretend like things were perfectly normal. Many times we chopped the same onion about a dozen times or read the same sentence on the computer for 10 minutes. But the most important part was not to even look at our daughter (other than a sneaky glance to make sure that she wasn't in a place that would cause any physical harm; if she was, we were to pick her up without looking her in the eye and without speaking and simply place her in the safe hallway or center of the room and just let her go at it).

Then the second that she stopped to take a breath, or got tired, we were to immediately turn our attention to her. No mention of the tantrum. Just "dinner will be ready in a few minutes" or "are you going to wear your purple shirt or your red shirt tomorrow" or "I heard a funny knock-knock joke" or something completely ordinary. If the tantrum spooled up again, then back to completely ignoring it. No eye contact, no sighing, no discussing it between us, no appearing to be rattled or angry. Just pleasant conversation and normal routine behavior from each of us.

Believe it or not, those tantrums nearly disappeared in an extremely short amount of time. And we learned to carry over that behavior to public places, and the program worked there too. In the grocery store, we had to remember to chat with her while she was sitting in the cart, even just talking over the grocery list or discussing the price of eggs or singing a silly tune. And if she began to exhibit the tantrum behaviors that meant the storm was coming, we removed all eye contact, did not say a single word, and didn't react (it's important to not appear tense or agitated, which is difficult and takes practice). As soon as she stopped, for whatever reason (to take a breath, or because a store display caught her attention) we would make eye contact again and resume interacting with her.

I was skeptical, but it actually did work, and fast. Try it. And stay strong!

Please, stop talking to your daughter during tantrums. She is not able to hear you or listen to reason... in short, she is out of her own control.

I have found that the best thing to do when a child is tantrumming is to put them in a relatively safe place and ignore them until they stop. This may be a carseat, a stroller (buckled in), the shopping cart (buckled in, again)... these are good options for when you are out and about. At home, a pack-n-play or her crib/room as a safe place to calm down.

Remember, when we put them in these places, it is not a punishment. It is to give them as little 'fight' as possible and to let them calm down. Tantrums are often very powerful and little kids can get caught up in them. Talking or trying to get them to calm down often only triggers a 'no I won't' response and escalates things.

And yes, it's a phase many kids go through. My son didn't really tantrum at this age, but did later and still occasionally does have an outburst, even at seven. At this age it's easier to say "you may go be mad in your room and come out when you are ready to talk respectfully" and have the child understand. But for younger children, the less words the better; just take them to a safe place and tell them, as calmly as possible "you can stay here until you are done". That's all you need to say.

Oh, I loved Mel R's answer, and want to add a rule we have in our house: One parent is direction, two parents is attention. That is to say, aside from non-verbal ques to each other, let the parent who started in the situation finish. When Daddy makes your daughter mad and then you are comforting her, she is getting LOTS of attention. Kids like attention and will do what they can to get it. We find that in some seasons, our son may misbehave to get us to focus on him instead of each other. We just remind him once "that's not a good way to get our attention. Try it again." and go on with what we were doing/talking about. Then, when he waits for our attention appropriately, we give him our full attention and know that he's feeling left out, so we take that as a reminder to us to be more inclusive of him in those moments.

M., I hope that you will bear with me in this post, really read it and try to understand that I'm being honest with you, given the info you've given us here. I don't live in your household so I don't have a bird's eye view into how you two handle your daughter.

My feelings are that your husband is scared of her and she knows it. Children need clear limits and total consistency, and when a parent is afraid of a child, this is what happens because children NEED the parent to be strong.

You haven't mentioned if your child talks much yet. Frustration because of not being able to effectively communicate can turn into ugly tantrums. If your child isn't talking much yet or has trouble being understood, ask your ped to refer you to a speech pathologist for an evaluation. Your health insurance should pay for the evaluation. Discuss the tantrums with all concerned. This is very important.

Yes, tantrums are normal at this age. But coming up to your husband and trying to kick him? No, that's not usual... Your husband needs to take this child in hand. He should grab her hands and not let go and tell her "NO HITTING." If she doesn't stop immediately, he should carry her into her room and put her in there and walk out and shut the door. The doorknob should be turned so that the door locks from the outside. Do not let her know you two are listening outside the door. She needs to be alone in the room so that she thinks she has NO audience to the tantrum.

If she throws things in her room or breaks things, they need to be removed from the room and not given back for a long time. Yes, she's only 2 1/2. And it WILL take a long time for her to get this internalized, but she needs to lose what she hurts. She needs to be separated from the person she is trying to hurt. You have already said that holding her during a tantrum doesn't help. (Some kids, it does. Not yours.)

If you all or just her and your husband are out and about, the moment she starts a tantrum, he needs to walk away from the grocery cart or whatever and pick her up and take her to the car and put her unceremoniously into her car seat and strap her up. Heh should just STAND outside of the car out of her line of sight and wait it out. When she sounds like her screaming is diminishing, open the car door and say "Are you done?" If she starts the screaming again, close that car door and move out of her sight again until she gives up. It's important that you two show her who is boss in the household by not allowing her to "win" this. In other words, she never gets her way when she has a tantrum. NEVER. Even if it gets in the way of your family fun. A tantrum at Chuckie Cheese's? Leave. A tantrum at a restaurant? She's in the car with one parent outside of the car waiting out the tantrum and the other parent waiting for the food to be take out (and please tip the server.) A trip to the park? Nope. Home you go. And into her room as soon as you get home, telling her that she is in time out because of her screaming and hollering and trying to hurt people.

She HAS to learn in increments that you MEAN WHAT YOU SAY AND YOU SAY WHAT YOU MEAN. No, she's not going to learn it all at once at this age. But you HAVE to be consistent and show her that she cannot get anything she wants like this. Indeed, she doesn't even know what she wants most of the time. She just knows that she feels out of control and the way she is dealing with it is by acting like a little monster to her daddy.

You must stand firm alongside your husband and make sure that you are both using the exact same methods of discipline. Immediately you both say "NO HITTING!" and he picks her up and deposits her into her room and leave her in there. Nothing inbetween. DO NOT try to talk her through this, M.. She is too young for that. She may scream for an hour the first several times. No matter. As she comes to the understanding that her behavior will not be tolerated, she will scream for a shorter amount of time. You both should also teach her to say "I'm sorry" for hitting after the tantrum is over as well.

This is called "toddler tough love", mama. It's hard, but you two had better toughen yourselves up or you'll find that pre-schools won't have her, playdates will become non-existent and you'll be wringing your hands everyday. What is happening now is directed towards your husband, but will end up being directed towards everyone.

As far as other ideas are concerned, make sure that you have a very clear schedule. Awake every morning at the same time. Snack. Lunch. Clean-up between activities. Nap. Snack. Dinner. Bedtime. SAME TIME every day. Don't take her anywhere if she is hungry or tired. Make sure your errands and any appointments take her schedule into account.

I get that your husband "sounds" a little more stern than you, but that's immaterial. The physical act of separating her from both of you is what will finally get through to her. Yelling or shouting back at her will not help (it will just make her feel more out of control), and as she gets older, yelling at her will just be ignored because she'll get used to it.

I wish you much luck. You both CAN do this. Do it NOW while it's easier. The older she gets, the harder it is to manage tantrums. And yes, there are kids who have tantrums even up into the elementary grades. Hopefully if you manage this well now, your child won't be one of them...

There are few options for tantrums.

1) Ignore them. A.k.a. let the child have them until they tire of them on their own one day.

2) Try to help the child calm down. Works for some, not for super spirited ones.

3) Discipline them so the child learns not to throw them.

Number three isn't popular these days due to post 80's psych & child development books popular in the USA. But it really does work. The less time kids spend rehearsing how to throw fits, the more time they rehearse resilience and self-control, and your life will be a whole lot less miserable. Having non-tantrummy tots as a single mom of three (including a natural rager) saved my butt. You have to give calm, stern warning during the very BEGINNING seconds of the fit, then follow through immediately, calmly and firmly if they continue AT ALL so they mind the warning next time. Once they start the fit, you've blown your shot and have to wait for the next one.

"Back To Basics Discipline" by Janet Campbell Matson has the age-old technique most of us oldies grew up with. The younger you start the quicker they learn. 18 months is primo and 2 1/2 is getting on the late side for nipping the habit, so you'll need more consistency than if you started younger, but you can do it!

Pre-schoolers are not good at processing stuff when they're not thinking with their brain, they're reacting and not able to calm themselves down.

You and hubby are bigger than this child and have the ability to simply pick her up and put her in your lap. Hold her until she calms down. Remove her from the situation and don't let her go back to it until she's okay.

This isn't hard. You are in control of this child. Once she's bigger she'll have the cognitive ability to take deep breaths and to relax her muscles and calm herself down. Pre-schoolers don't really have that ability yet.