H.1. asks from Des Moines, IA on September 13, 2012
2 Year Old Tantrums/attitude Driving Me over the Edge
My son is 28 months old. I thought we went through the terrible twos before. Whatever it is we're going through now is complete,y unmanageable. I'm really starting to question if is is normal at all!
He throws MEGA tantrums constantly. It starts from the second he wakes and doesn't end until we fight him to bed at night. It usually starts with a fit about a diaper change and while many tantrums are about not getting his way, most are completely confusing to me and don't even make any sense. He is just s angry about everything at goes on... Breakfast isn't ready fast enough, it's not the right type of toast, it's too toasted, not toasted enough etc etc. of course he is really into the "no!" and "I want to do it!" phase. He will constantly go out of his way to be a challenge and do silly things like scream his head off if he drops a toy. He will throw huge screaming and kicking fits over absolutely aching and everything.
Mostly, ignoring is hard because at some point we NEED to get shoes on for example so wee can get to work in time or whatever so what to do when he throws a 30 minute scream fest over not wanting to listen. Taking away toys doesn't work, bribery doesn't even work.
I recognize a lot of this as normal two year old behavior. It's just that it is literally 99% of the time a constant battle and that does not seem normal to me. Am I wrong? He is so intense and I literally feel like we can go nowhere and do nothing. We try to be consistent and strike a good balance between being patient and creative in our approach with him, creating environments and situations that encourage good behavior (not running errands close to nap time etc), giving him choices and giving positive attention when he's being good. Balancing these things with the need to implment discipline and not let him run the show.Nothing we are doing is working. Have tried ignoring, time outs, sending to room (many times have had to just hold door shut and let him scream!), leaving public location (which is ineffective because generally he is throwing. Fit because he wants to go) Its embarrassing. It's stressful because I can't figure out what were doing wrong that got us here or how to get on the right track again.
Someone please tell me I'm not alone in this. I can't believe this could be normal 2 year old behavior because I'm a well put together person and I'm about to seriously lose it fighting this battle constantly. Looking for advice on what has worked best in dealing with the attitudes and fits with your challenging two year old!! I feel completely over the edge. It takes all o f my time, attention and energy to deal with this emotional roller coaster and it's gotten to the point I don't even like to come home from work. it's having a bad effect on my marriage and I feel horribly for my 3 month old daughter who is constantly getting the backseat.
So What Happened?™
Also....he sleeps about 11 hours at night and 2 hour nap in day. He's not Isick tho like a lot of kids he's almost always got some small case of the sniffles. He goes to "school" all day and is good there.
I feel so sad that our limited time together is spent almost exclusively in battle :( that's the worst part of all of this
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M.M. answers from Chicago on September 14, 2012
No, you're not alone in this at all.
I'm going through this with my second right now, who is 26 mos.
Yes, it's totally normal. And some days you have more tolerance to ignore it than others.
Try 123 Magic. It's a short read with really basic priciples that you tend to forget about when you're so wrapped up.
It helps us immensely.
1 mom found this helpful
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R.J. answers from Seattle on September 13, 2012
Well... 2 things caught my attention
1) Well if he's in daycare all day, and is good there... then he's not doing it from wakeup until bedtime. "Just" during the early morning routine, and then evening routine. Both of which are totally normal meltdown times for toddlers. Sounds like daycare is getting him during mostly-normal hours, and you're getting him during the witching hours.
1.5) It's ALSO totally normal for toddlers to wig out when their schedule changes suddenly... like weekends. So if he's in daycare all week, then home on the weekends... even though it looks 'expected' to us... their time since is for scheisse. So it takes them MONTHS (if ever) to really adjust to 5 on 2 off.... AND totally normal for kids of all ages to exert self control around others, but then melt down and collapse around their parents. It's a trust thing. As in, they trust you to still love them and not hurt them. Not super helpful, but good to know.
2) Ummmm.... Hate to say this... but the 'Terrible 2's' (or Terrible 3's depending on the kid) really DO tend to last for 12 MONTHS (and earn their name). You may get a few weeks of love bug here and there, but it's a cognitive emotional development thing that really does tend to last for a whole durn year.
I have an ADHD kiddo, and am from an ADHD family, so my sense of 'normal' is slightly off. ADHD kids CAN throw whole day tantrums with no break. Hours and hours long. Some days, he was literally in time out ALL DAY (with just a few minutes of 'normal' in between hour long meltdowns). The neurotypical kids might throw 10 tantrums in a day, but the ADHD kids can throw ONE tantrum that can last 10 hours if you let it (there are ways to hijack an ADHD tantrum, but they're wildly different than stopping a neurotypical tantrum... ignoring them, for example, never works. And 1 minute per year of age does absolutely nothing).
One of the BEST things I learned from the toddler years, and that 10 years in, I'm still using:
Never get emotionally invested in an argument with a child.
Early on... I got caught up in my son's tantrums. They were exhausting. I was a ragged mess. And then, naturally, we fed off of each other. Then, one day, there was just a switch... and from then on... no matter how much he flails... I'm a rock. His emotional outbursts have zero effect on me (at least mentally/emotionally... they still get dealt with swiftly and immediately... but I quit getting emotionally invested in his meltdowns. I'd offer 1, he'd scream for 2, I'd offer 0. If you whine, you don't get what you want. If you throw a tantrum you don't get what you want AND you go on timeout. Timeout = you have to be completely calm BEFORE coming off, AND list out
- WHAT happened that sent you on timeout (screaming for 2, not holding hands, not listening, etc.),
- WHY (I wanted more, I was angry, I wanted to do it myself)
- 2 THINGS to do next time instead (ask nicely, take a deep breathe, etc.)
- Put it right (apologize, help clean up, try again)
Just my experience.
3 moms found this helpful
J.G. answers from Chicago on September 14, 2012
Perfectly normal. I'm there with you.
You just ignore it and suck up the embarrassment. Yesterday, for instance, we needed to leave the park. 2 year old refused. So, I had a friend watch him while I went and pulled the car up as close as possible to the park. I then asked him if he wanted to be carried or if he wanted to walk. I then carried him to the car. I was able to talk him into getting in the carseat himself, but for me, it's all about prevention. We leave 15 minutes early, so when he throws himself on the ground as we try to get out the door, we have time.
I also use reverse psychology. They are very oppositional at this age, so use it against them!
Ask for a normal big boy voice, when he screams say "we don't talk like that, I can't understand you, can you find your big boy voice?" When they want things "perfect," if you want to own the No, then say NO, otherwise, fix it. One thing we do is take the food he doesn't want into the kitchen and just act as if we are doing something to do. Many times he is fooled into thinking the problem get fix when it's the same food.
Also, don't go to as many places. Don't take him on errands unless you know it's a store where he won't have a fit. I seriously do not take my son to certain stores because he just can't handle them. In fact, I avoid taking him on errands full-stop. ALl they want to do at this age is play, so let them play, and get out of their way.
lastly, don't show a reaction. Instead, just walk away. Come up with a plan, and if it doesn't work this time, then figure out a plan of prevention for the next time.
It's exhausting. This age is the worst, if you ask me.
3 moms found this helpful
P.G. answers from Dallas on September 14, 2012
Question - i don't know if I missed it, but is he talking much or is his vocabulary limited? I only ask because language frustration is REALLY hard for kiddos, and if he can't communicate much, then that could be part of it. Talk to your daycare and see what's happening there and what they do if he has tantrums. Their support may help. Good luck!
2 moms found this helpful
S.T. answers from Houston on September 13, 2012
I used reverse psychology on mine a lot. She was hard.
I would say - "Scream, scream louder, throw yourself on the floor, do it, keep doing it, come on!" She would end up just looking at me! Basically I would not be giving in to her, she would not win the battle, because I acted like it was not even bothering me. He is doing it to get a rise, and to get what he wants. I hated 2 and 3. My daughter is 4 now, and better behaved for the most part - although still not an easy child, and I think a difficult toddlerhood is a precursor for a difficult older child, but at least you can have some reasoning with them when they are older.
2 moms found this helpful
M.L. answers from Houston on September 13, 2012
Dr. Sears is an expert with disciplining of toddlers and how to help in these situations. Some great advice here:
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior
(for specific behaviors)
http://askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/botherso...
If everything he does is at an intense level, there could be an underlying issue, such as sensory processing issues, for example.
1 mom found this helpful
J.K. answers from Phoenix on September 13, 2012
You are DEFINITELY NOT alone!! You just described my two year old. Whenever he throws a fit, I immediately put him in time out for 2 minutes. If he gets up, I keep putting him back over and over without saying a word to him. Eventually, he stays in time out. I get him up, explain why he's in time out, and I have him say he's sorry and give him a hug. I do this immediately 100% of the time without fail. It makes a HUGE difference. The first couple of times it may seem like it's not working but you have to keep doing it. He'll get the picture eventually and you must win this battle. You can find Super Nanny on Youtube or Netflix (I think) and watch those. It really helps. Keep it up, stay consistent and you'll be surprised how quickly you'll see a change. It seems like kids are more stubborn than they used to be...LOL Good luck and hang in there!
1 mom found this helpful
M.M. answers from Chicago on September 14, 2012
No, you're not alone in this at all.
I'm going through this with my second right now, who is 26 mos.
Yes, it's totally normal. And some days you have more tolerance to ignore it than others.
Try 123 Magic. It's a short read with really basic priciples that you tend to forget about when you're so wrapped up.
It helps us immensely.
1 mom found this helpful
B.C. answers from Dallas on September 13, 2012
I was about to post a very similar post regarding a boy that I'm watching during the day. He can scream louder and longer than any child that I've ever met and does it at the drop of a hat. I'll gently say, "ok, let's go out of here now." and he's on the floor, slapping himself in the face, thrashing around and screaming. I put him in time out more often than I'd like and I constantly want to quit and/or pull my hair out! I've watched TONS of kids over the years and have never dealt with such a volitile child. His twin isn't like him at all.
So, I have no advice, I just want you to know that you certainly aren't alone!
1 mom found this helpful
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