2 Year-Old Behavior

I'm a SAHM and have a 19 month old that has tantrums everyday. It has nothing to do with you working. I actually hired a sitter 2 times a week so he can be with someone different and so I can run errands and keep my sanity. Don't feel guilty. As they say "This too shall pass" I can't wait for that day to come!

Hello C.,

I am a stay at home mom and believe me, my 16 mo old is learning to throw tantrums. One day he was this happy all the time child until a month ago. He is still happy, but there are more emotions involved now. I am a Veterinary nurse and when people who have pets are gone alot or their schedual changes for a long period of time, the pets lash out by chewing anything or everything, urinating in the house or on something they know belongs to you to get your attention. Animals don't throw tantrums but they show their anxiety. Young children are much the same. For example, my son cannot yet speak so when he becomes angry, sad or frightened he reacts by throwing a fit or tantrum to let us know he is uncomfortable with the situation. Your daughter may have some anxiety about not being able to see you all the time like she would like to. If you stayed at home before and then went back to work it upsets the child because routine has changed and then they realise you are gone for a while almost everyday. It's true, she could be upset about you being at work, however that doesn't make you a bad parent. Every child gets upset when mom or dad has to go. I am with my son most of the time and there are times it's difficult to get away because he doesn't want me leaving. Unfortunately most moms do not have the luxury of being able to stay home with their children. It takes two incomes for most people. Your daughter is fully aware that you love her, she just misses you and throwing the tantrums is a way of letting you know she misses you if she cannot yet speak to tell you. Another thought is that when children are just learning how to use their emotions, they don't always use them appropiately. My son screams even when things are going his way. It's because he just learned he could. Your daughter could be upset about you being at work, but it's not alwaays the case. Something else could be bothering her. Until they can speak, you know it's a guessing game. Your friend, could be right but she didn't need to be harsh about it. We all have to play the hand we are delt. She is lucky to beable to stay home. You don't have that choice. Your daughter is not going to be traumatized because you are not home with her all the time. She will learn to adapt and adust. Your freind made it sound like it's your fault. That's a crock. Day care in itself can be alot to take in. Your daughter will adjust to daycare as well. Sleep sound knowing your a great mom and your doing everything in your power so your children with have a good life. Everything you do is for them. I hope this has shed some light into your inquirey. Good luck to you and your family.

A. H.

I agree, she probably does want more of your attention since you work outside the home. There is no way daycare can replace learning from and spending time with Mommy, all day, every day. That said, tantrums are normal and vary greatly depending on your child's temperment. I would not blame tantrums on the fact that you work. Whenever someone criticizes me, I say, "thank you for your advice." First of all, smart people (and real friends) never give advice unless asked. And second, there's no point in arguing or defending yourself, so saying thank you gives you a polite way to end the discussion. Perhaps do not discuss parenting issues with her in the future.

Hi C.,

I think that in some cases, your friends theory is true. BUT NOT IN ALL CASES.

I was a SAHM for about 2 years and the kids were fine. But now that life has changed and I'm working all day, I've noticed thier behavior is different. Even though they go to work with me all day, it's just not the same as the attention they were used to. So I think my kids act up now to get my attention. Once I realized this, I have been asking for them to help me at the flower shop instead of asking them to go watch tv or play outside. They enjoy helping out.

I guess you just have to look at your situation and make the time with your daughter quality time and stop worrying about how much. Come to think of if, I know a couple of SAHM and their children are some of the worst behaved in town! See, it goes by situation to situation.

Hang in there and don't let something like this hurt your friendship. It sounds like she was trying to offer advise and help out. Thank her and find a way to make your time quality.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

Hi C., that "family friend" that told you that was mean. My youngest who is about to turn 6, turned into a little stinker around 2 1/2 when we would go out to the store and he still has occasional issues of throwing tantrums. It's just the age. I have been a stay at home mom with him and I think I SUCK at it!! I worked full time with my two older children who are now almost 16 and almost 20 ( I was a single parent) and never had as many screaming fits. I think the quality of time matters much more than quantity. I am also the step mom to my husbands' three children 10, almost 14 and 15 so I know my time with all my kids is limited to quality not quantity. My advice would be that when you have to go out, bring enough stuff to occupy your child, make sure you are both rested enough and stop and get a snack or drink to help keep you both from getting hungry or thirsty. This helps with me most of the time but we still have our meltdowns, especially if my son sees the latest cool toy on display that he can't have. (curently IRONMAN) Hang in there, it will get easier. I love to hear from other moms with adventerous lives like mine, so if you need to vent just write me.
( ____@____.com)
M. B. (crazy mom with 6 kids pushing age 40 aaggghhh)

2 yr olds will act up whether you work outside the home or not. I stay home with my 2 1/2 yr old and he has the tantrums too. Going out in public is challenging right now, he doesn't like sitting in the shopping carts too long and starts screaming. Yesterday he screamed the entire time at Target! My older 2 children, 13 and 11, were so embarrassed, me too!
It makes a difference if they are tired. Today we went out earlier than yesterday and I didn't have any problems with screaming or fussing! Of course the free samples at COSTCO always help! Respond to the other mom by saying you know other SAHM (mamasourcers) who have the same problems with their 2 yr. olds. She probably just assumes the "terrible two" behavior is because you work, don't let her make you feel guilty because of it. Let her know you have quality time with your daughter and that's what matters. Take care, V.

Happy 4th C., First of all there is nothing and I mean absolutely Nothing Wrong with being a working women, wife & mom. Just means you carry a heaver hold. SAHM's have it easier ( my opinion only ok, I have worked outside the home to for short periods ) We can usually get our laundry done, house dusted and vac'ed, meals prepared and ready in one day. Well for me the laundry takes days two as it's down stairs and my grandson's are upstairs during the day. Working moms get off work, might have to get dry cleaning or grocery shop on the way home and still do laundry clean up the house and prepare meals. If they don't have that wonderful super duper helper hubby at home.
I worked outside the home when we first got married as a hair stylist, when we started our family after 3 yrs of marriage, we decided together I would stay home. Man it was easier working let me tell ya. lol I remember days when nothing got done cause I had so much fun playing with our first son. I was 23 when he was born and Knew how to be a housekeeper, I was my mom's housekeeper from age 10, when my little sis was born. I was in a type of rebellion I think cause I didn't care if the laundry was done in one or even 2 days or house dusted and picked up. I was 25 when our 2nd son was born.

When they got a little older I thought I wanted to do something to get out of the house. I started New construction house cleaning and took them with me. So I was with them practically 24/7. Took better care of my own home when i worked.

Sometimes I would leave the boys with my mom if I had a really big house to do, and when I would go to get them they always acted up. My Mom ( i hated this part) would always say Well they were good UNTIL you showed up!

C., it doesn't matter what you do or how much time you get with your children, they are going to act up in one way or another. Your little girl likes possibly to get your goat with her tantrums. Ah HA I got moms attention now. When that happens, since you already know she is tired, sit her on your lap and read a favorite story to her, or make one up.( our 3 yr gr son loves made up stories at nap time) She may take a short power nap and wake up 20 minutes later just fine again.

But don't feel guilty or that you are not spending enough time with your little girl. If your family friend was honest she might in fact envy you a little that you are able to work outside the home.
I feel fortunate to of been able to spend most of our 37 yrs of marriage at home. But I also know ( getting close to retirement) We could of done more or had more if I had worked also.

You've raised a wonderful family, your step children are close to adulthood and your little girl is another one of God's blessings to last a life time. Be Proud of what you do, only one that can allow you to feel hurt or guilty is you hon. So smile and know you are doing a wonderful job. I for one applaud you!! WTG ^5's

K.
PS Hey Guess what C.? You can do it all and feel very Proud!!

I say brush it off. All moms do what they believe is right by their children. I am currently a stay at home mom that also works from home. I used to work full time and do masters classes. Believe me when I say there is a HUGE difference between quantity time and quality time with your children. Your friend has chosen to stay at home b/c she believes that is best by her kids. You obviously think that by working you are providing financially for the family as well as setting a good example of hard work, independence, and etc for your daughter. Also, you wouldn't put her in a child care center or home that you didn't believe was nurturing and, in general, a good place for your daughter to spend her days. Do not be bothered by your friend's remarks. We mothers tend to speak our minds regardless of what impact those words might have. I am sure your friend meant nothing by it. Maybe she thinks you should devote half an hour to just your daughter when you get home (she wouldn't understand the chaos that is your house when you arrive home with your hungry daughter, 5 grociery bags and a stress headache from the day while you try to make dinner, listen to stories about the day and get everyone everything they need in under half an hour). If your daughter is acting out due to want of your attention, maybe let her help you make dinner. At 2, my daughter used to help me season the meat and etc, b/c I had to get dinner ready but she wanted attention and I wanted to play with her. So, we worked together. We had some very salty dinners sometimes, but we got it done. She liked to make salads and etc also. I found too that she ate better what she helped make (except the salad - still working on that). Other than that, she is 2 and there are many tantrums ahead of you. Keep consistent with that discipline and I think you will be fine. Hope that helps. Remember, some of the most well-intentioned, but very hurtful advice will come from those you love. I doubt she meant anything by it and you should not feel bad about the way you raise your daughter. We all do the best we can with what we've got.

Don't respond. What would be the point?

More importantly, don't let her make you feel guilty. It is the job of a two year old the get not as much attention as possible, but get ALL the attention. Your job is to be the parent and just like food, sleep, etc, attention is something to be given in moderation. She's not the most important person in the house, the family, as a unit is. Your family will be much better off if that's where the focus lies. The issue with her tantrums is that affect the family. She has every right to throw a tantrum, but she doesn't have the right to disrupt the family. If she has a tantrum at home, take her to room and tell her she can join the rest of the family when she's done. Don't try to figure out why she's having a tantrum, you know why, she's tired, bored, and it seems like a good idea to her at the time. In her room, she can take a nap, play with something, or throw her tantrum - as long as she does it away from everyone else.

Remember, you can only do what's best for your family, not what is perfect.

I would not worry about what she said. Kids at this age also go through seperation anxiety once again. While she may be trying to get you attention, it is not because you do not spend enough time with her. Kids love to be the center of attention, and while she is trying to grow up and individuate - she also remembers that she is the baby. I worked outside the home until my son was 2.5 years old and he was the most behaved child for his age I had ever seen - until I decided to stay home with him. His behavior got steadily worse, which only frustrated me more and made me want to go back to work. Eventually, I decided enough was enough and had to crack down on him pretty hard. He is almost 4 now and other than the normal trouble a boy can get into he does pretty well.
The best thing to do when she has her temper trantums is to send her to her room and tell her when she calms down or is done - she an return and be a part of the family.
If it happens in public, abandon your shopping cart and go sit in the car. It will only take a few times for her to know you mean business, but the end result will be a happier kiddo who knows the rules and what your limits are!

I think we all know that some kids throw tantrums more than others and that anyone caring for the child has the opportunity to learn how to help the child discover other ways to resolve their discontent. I see these situations as teachable moments. I see a trantrum as a child's demand for help to learn and become empowered.

What your friend said was not only incorrect, it was not a successful attempt at helpfulness. It was a critical assumption. Nonetheless, it may have been offered as the only idea she had and she might have been genuinely trying to help. She may have even thought that she was being courageous to say something that might be hard to hear. I am sometimes grateful for people who will say something to me that others are afraid to say. That doesn't mean that everything they say is correct or helpful or that I have to allow myself to feel hurt because they are wrong. People are wrong too often to let it slow me down.

One way I have found to respond to such things is to simply say, "I think I understand what you are saying. I'm not sure evidence supports that, but you may have a point. I'll have to think about that. I appreciate you giving my situation that much thought." This not only let's them know that they cannot easily strip me of my dignity, but it graciously suggests that we maintain a more humble posture of learning as mothers. This approach not only lets them know that you are not going to let them cross your boundaries, but it forgives their indiscrection and appreciates their attempt at helpfulness all at the same time.

What I have to struggle against is the feeling that I want to correct the other person or defend myself. I didn't like them correcting me, so I try to remember it is not my job to correct them. I see such interchanges as my opportunity to learn tolerance and how to maintain dignity and unity in the midst of disagreements. We all have the right to be incorrect and to make mistakes (I've never found a way around this human reality). In your situation, your friend is more likely to learn she is not correct in her assumption when she wittnesses the tantrums of children with sahm's (especially if they are her own children). When we allow it to become an argument and take sides, people begin to see only what will support their side of the argument and everyone stops learning. Our children need us to keep learning!

The reason most of us are unable to respond in these types of situations is that we cannot decide which of our virtues we want to employ. "Should I defend my dignity or be forgiving? Is unity and tolerance more important than honesty?" Once we realize that we can blend these virtues rather than being forced to choose between them, we begin to learn how to be gracious and honest at the same time. We learn that if we defend dignity, we protect everyone's dignity. Otherwise we harm our own dignity while clumsily trying to defend it!

Learning to live in virtue is the art of life itself. I admire your effort to find the response that feels right in your heart rather than simply giving in to defensive impulses. Our children not only learn the virtues we know to teach them, they learn a great deal about virtue by watching us learn them. The real gift in it all this is that one day you will realize that your children often become masters of the virtues they watched you struggle to learn. My son is only 22 and amazes me in the number of ways he outshines me!

I frequently recommend the book that taught me this approach, The Family Virtues Guide, by Linda K. Popov. You can learn more at www.VirtuesProject.com.

You are not the only one that feel that way. I am a preschool teacher and see this many times. Things that have help many of my parents are . They read them books about mommy and daddies work. another idea is that they ask the child what would they like to do during their time together they give them ideas to choose from. Going to the park , going to the library. Another idea is sharing about what they did while they were apart. What was their low of the day what was the high of the day.
Good Luck
J.

Why respond at all? She's made her decision and obviously thinks it is the best.

Or, you could say that you sure wish that was possible for you but it isn't. And leave it at that.

Now, I am a daycare provider. Part of her statement was probably right. But, all 2 yo's try to get their parents attention by acting out. It has more to do with the childs lack of communication skills than if they are in daycare or not.

A LOT of stay at home moms are very guilty of believing that staying at home is the only right way to parent. But, there are an equal amount of work out of the house moms that are guilty of making comments that make stay at home moms feel as if they don't have a whole lot to offer society and somehow they should be unfullfilled. It makes both sides defensive sometimes. Take a look sometime on other huge websites that support constant fueding and debating about this issue and you will see that it's fruitless to offer any sort of comeback.

Some children are more high maintenance than others and you can NOT find just the right combination of habits, tricks, discipline or time and love to change it no matter how hard you try.

Yesterday while I was at my fathers funeral I had the chance to spend a few hours around this baby that was possibly the most contented child I have ever seen. She reminded me of just how different every child really is. All the family reconnections and talk about all the grandchildren, cousins and babies of all ages kept going in that direction about how different they all are.

Try and relax, this will pass.

Suzi

A stay at home mom does not have a harder job than you. She chose to stay at home. Most of us can't. I stayed at home for 4 years. So I know. You work to take care of that little girl. You can be a better mom by staying happy and interacting with grown ups in the work force and meeting people, growing, and learning. You, being well adjusted to life, makes you more mentally stable. Don't let her put you down. She's probably jealous. A happy mom is the best mom. You don't even have to respond to her.

As for your daughter, she's not the first one to experience the terrible twos. Ignoring her tantrums is the only way I've found to get them to stop. Just walk in the other room and go about your business. It gets better, she'll probably be just fine. She'll try to find a different way to get your attention and you can respond to the desired behaviors.
Good Luck and cheer up!
P.

It may have hurt what your friend said, but sometimes the truth does hurt. I agree... your daughter is probably looking for some more attention. Nobody... NOBODY will love or protect your child like mommy and daddy. You'll never get these precious pre school years back. Try and work things out to where you can limit her time with hired help. I go into the office two days a week and it's WAY more easy being at work... I can go to the bathroom without 2 boys at my feet!! I bet if you sat down with your husband you could figure out a budget and make it work. Good luck!

C., your feelings should be hurt. That was just a not very nice thing to say to you from your "friend". Just because she is a SAHM doesn't mean that she is a great mom. I know it is hard to let stuff like that roll off your back, I have trouble with that myself, but it's something to learn. The next time she makes a comment like that just smile and tell her that your quality time with your child far out weighs the quantity time she spends with her child. That will shut her up with the rude comments. If you aren't comfy with that then just ignore it and move on.

I was a SAHM full time for years, but now I'm a part time SAHM. I work a few days a week because I have to. (Student Loans Stink) My kids are older now and I only get to see them after school anyway. We are a busy family with lots of stuff going on, but my time with my kids is quality time now. And believe me that counts.

The fits will end eventually. It is a phase. Keep consistant with discipline. Remember you are the parent, what you say goes. Good Luck and God Bless.

I honestly don't know what I'd say to someone who told me I was not parenting correctly. I believe we all make the choices that work for US and OUR FAMILIES. No one knows enough about your family to second guess you. Your daughter is 2. Keep up the good work with being consistent and being a Great Mom.

M.

I would say that unless you walk in someone else's shoes you cannot understand their life. Just because someone is a SAHM doesn't mean they spend any more quality time with their child than a working mom. It just means there is more opportunity too. I'm willing to bet that many SAHMs spend a lot of their time working around the house, running errands, etc. while the child tags along or is playing elsewhere. Children of SAHMs go through the terrible 2s and 3s also. It could be a cry for attention, but children of SAHMs cry for attention too. Attention is that one on one time where the child feels valued. Very few mothers can devote all day every day to the needs of their children, and other than infants, most kids don't need or want that much attention - they also need the company of other kids and their independent time. So, while it's more of a challenge for a working mom to give their child enough attention, the quality and regularity of the attention is more important than the quantity. Don't feel hurt. It's probably really hard for a SAHM to fathom being away from their kids all day and she doesn't understand how you make sure your child is loved and cherished. She hasn't walked in your shoes.

it was a very insensitive comment to make - you said family friend, not your personal friend, but personally, i wouldn't call that a "friend" -ly attitude. i don't know a 2-3 year old who doesn't throw fits. don't/didn't hers? if not she's just lucky, not a perfect parent. there's no such thing. we all do the best we can. it is true that SOMEtimes tantraums CAN be caused by needing some mommy time, but it's not exclusive to tantrums. and it's definitely not exclusive to working moms - there are some SAHM's who are so busy shuttling/cleaning/cooking/etc that the kids still feel the need for more time. don't take it personally - you're doing great. you obviously love your children and having had three before, i think it's safe to say you know what you're doing. good luck, don't let it get you down!

As a SAHM for 8 years, I'm sorry someone would say that to you, especially a close friend. My children are 9, 8 and 5 and they all went through the tantrum stage. The best thing I learned was to ignore it as much as possible, especially if you are in a controlled setting. If you are responding to her and trying to get her to stop or make her feel better she is learning it is a way to get your attention, and make her feel in control at the same time. If you walk away and ignore her, she learns real quick that it doesn't work to get your attention. Just know that it will pass and you won't remember the difficult times....just that she grew up too fast!

Hello C.,

Just relax and do not take personally whatever others moms say to you. I am so sure that you are doing a lot for your little one and for the other young people at home. Iam SAHM, and I think that behavior of your little girl is just normal. This is a fun age but not easy; there are many tantrums and independent behavior!. Every toddler and kid is so different, ones are easier and others a little more challenging, and we need to find a way for them to behave, obey and all that stuff that makes us crazy. I adore my kids, and each of them is sooooo different. One is VERY challenging and the another one is so easy going! I know that discipline is just one but, it worked for me to use it in a different way for each child.
When my 2 year-old toddler (and 3 mo) is having a tantrum, I just let him be, I do not look at him or get mad at him..and I do not hold him, unless he is going to harm himself, so he stops right there, after that I hold him and I say to him that what he did is not right and he has to behave and ask me what he wants with his words, or tell me how he feels (sad, mad.......)When we are in a store, I just keep shopping, and I say to him he will go to the playpen (I put him in there sometimes when he does not behave, that is his time out place...for now)but I am always carry with me something he likes to keep him amused. However, there are many moments where you cannot do anything and better you take the kid and go home. It is not easy, and there is no recipe for this all the time, just keep trying what works best for you...every kid is different..but consistency is very important. It may sounds ridiculous, but I try to go out when my kid has pooped, rest and ate, happily he does all this before I go to do my errands. So, he is more comfy and happy as well.
Take care and know that you are doing a great job because you are a mom and every mom does what is best for her kids no matter if she is a working mom or a SAHM.
Good Luck!

first of all, all 2-3 yr olde ate going to test limits and boundaries and are just learning to get control of their emotions. If tantrums werent normal there would be no coined phrase such as "terrible twos" . I am a stay at home mom and freely admit my child loses her mind on occassion, especially when tired. I don't think you need to respond to your friend at all, she is right if you think about it- daycare workers do their best (in assuming you chose a good one) but they aren't mommy and with more than one child to watch they can't be. So your little girl may well be seeking a little more mommy attention. You asked for advice (I think you said you asked) and she gave what she thought was the best answer, it didnt seem to be said with the intent to hurt you unless she's typically that type if person

I have a friend like yours and it's hard. Mine has told me her daughter was smarter than most kids because she stayed home. She told me that her daughters kindergarten teacher told her that she could tell she stayed home with her kids and she wasn't one of those moms who worked. That hurt. I work one because I enjoy it and 2 because in today's world a lot of families really need the 2nd income. I don't think working is what is causing your daughters problems - I have a 4 year old that throws tamtrums (she's getting better). They thow the fits because they don't have a better outlet most of the time. And some kids just by nature have more of a temper and don't know how to handle it. I have noticed that my friend that stays home is way criticle of any mom who works. I think she was jelous (I had a house, they lived with her mom, I had newer cars hers were very old and had problems) and she was always very competive. I didn't care what kind of car she drove and I didn't care what kind of clothes her kids wore but she always made it an issue and pointed out that she was with her kids and I took mine to a sitter. If I was you I'd stop and think to see if she was really trying to hurt you or if she really thinks your daughter is looking for attention. You point out to her that you do spend time with your daughter and that she is loved every bit as much as kids that have SAHM. Your friend might be inscure about her decsion and taking it out on you. Each family is diffrent and what's right for one isn't right for another.

That was a rude comment from your "friend." My kids had terrible 2s and 3s. They are now 13 and 18 years old, they have grown up just fine with me working as a SINGLE mom. You are most likely being the best mom to your child and your child is just being a normal 2-3 yr old.

Of course the tantrums will go away if you ignore them. Meanwhile, stop asking advice from your SAHM friend. Many SAHM's will look for anything wrong with your children and blame on your working. There have never been any bad effects proven from high quality day care. Most day care kids turn out normal, as do most SAHM's kids. That said, I have both worked long hours and been a SAHM and it is MUCH harder to work long hours (on you, that is).

Hi C.

I'm a SAHM and I have a lot of difficulty with my 4 and 2 year old. We have a lot of good times also! Consistency, no matter what else is going on is VERY important! Also, I give my kids a reminder before we get out of the car...that just doesn't always work, they quickly forget;o)

Unfortunatly, no matter which side you are on, some moms choose to make hurtful comments. As long as you are doing what you feel is best for your family situation, then I applaud you. I get critisism all the time for being a SAHM. Please continue what you are doing in the best interest of your child! Everyone has their days, my boys are very good boys, but they are ALL boy and can be very trying. As soon as I think I can't be any more embarassed about something, they will do something new:o)

Back to your original question, sometimes its better not to say anything. Or just say "Well, your entitled to your opinion" and walk away :o) I have responded the most with "This is what we feel is best for our family."

Being a mother is to take care of your children the way they need it and not care about what other people think. Plenty of moms will have comments...just turn away and know you are doing what you need to do. I have gone home and cried many times and my husband keep telling me not to listen and that I am the best mother my children can have. He is right and I am saying the same thing to you!

Have a wonderful life with your family!
S.

Well just to let you know that your friend isn't the only sahm of maybe perfect kids that she thinks she may have. I'am too and my son is well behaved and never went through the terrible two's at the at the age it came later and now as a mom who devoted all her attention to her 1 son before sis came into ourlives it has changed he is acting up looking for attention and in negative ways as well.As much as I try to give them both equal attention it doesn't work I devote my mommyhood to my kids and love them both.She is a child and tantrums are a part of growing up and being healthy you can correct her and she may needs to be disciplined just as I do with mine.Just because moms are sahm ones or ones that work fulltime children are children and it is up to us as their parents to teach them values in life either way they still get attention positive and negative and will DISOBEY at their own will.

C.:

Don't think for one minute that just because someone is a SAHM, that they have it "far more difficult" than you have it. Not only do you still have to do all of the mommy/house stuff, you also have to work (or chose too, I don't know your situation) outside of the home. You are pulling double duty! So please don't start blaming yourself. As a matter of fact, since your child is in daycare, she probably has better problem-solving/social skills. Some kids just go through "stages", and this too shall pass. Figure out when your daugher acts up (you mentioned when she is tired or bored) and try to intervene when you see those times starting to happen. Continue to be consistent, and possibly start a behavior mod (sticker chart). She will get through this stage, and so will you.

A.

You know I have seen kids act up just as much with SAHM as I have with parents who work outside the house. In fact, I have a girlfriend who IS a SAHM who is so devoted to her extracurricular activities she actually takes MORE time away from her kids than if she worked outside the home!

I'd flat out tell her that her statement really hurt you and that you were asking for constructive criticism as to how to deal with these trying moments, not lifestyle changes.

As for recommendations, keep up with the consistancy that is a very important part of the discipline process...I also stress to my kids before we go into any establishment and before we get out of the car EXACTLY what behavior is expected of them and what the consequences will be. And example could be they can walk in Walmart as long as they stay next to you and not run around...the minute they start running around, privledge is taken away and they sit in cart. Other ways you can keep them focused is carry a "busy bag". This could be a backpack or just an oversized purse that has things in it they haven't seen or played with in a long time..cars, a doll and some clothes, crayons, paper, small coloring book...anything to pass the time while food is being brought, etc...Lord knows I know any time I have my kids in a restaurant I swear the service gets SLOWER...either that or it's directly related to the volume they are producing! LOL...keep the faith and know that you aren't doing anything wrong!

C.:
I think I would be offended also if I had a friend that said that. But be forgiving and don't lose a friendship over that comment. Everyone has their convictions, apparently your friend strongly believes in being a SAHM. Maybe you can agree to disagree on which is better. As others have said, you have to do what is best for YOUR family. As long you are doing the best that you can, then don't worry. I do agree that quality time is better than the quantity of time given to your child. I would love to stay at home w/ my 3 yr old daughter but when I'm gone she is lovingly babysat mostly by relatives, and friends, but I do think it is good for her to go to daycare also to get the social interaction with other kids. I am blessed to live close to my in-laws and kid friendly neighbors and friends. She does go to a flexible daycare several times a month and she seems to enjoy it.
My sister has majored in counseling and was pointing out a while back that it is very good when a parent leaves (the room or for work) and the child is excited when the parent comes back. That indicates the child has a strong bond with the parent. So, try to notice if this is happening or not. If it's not happening, then you need to be sure to give her more quality time. Otherwise, keep up the good work. Being a working mom takes a lot of balancing and prioritizing.
About self, I'm a working mom of a 3 yr old girl, been married to the man I love for 7 1/2 yrs.

Your friend was NOT trying to hurt you or put you down in any way, I assure you that. She was just telling you one reason for your child's behavior. She is probably right. There is nothing wrong with you working outside the home, but your daughter doesn't know that, and she is showing you in the only way that she knows how, that she misses you and wishes things could be different. You and she will have to find a better way to deal with this, but I promise that working together, you will.
Talk with her at times when she is NOT out of control, and tell her how much you miss her when you are not with her, and that you think of her when you are at work, and look forward to coming home to her. When she eventually asks you why you go away, you can explain to her that you must earn the money to buy her food (mention specific foods she likes) and her toys, etc... You may have to have this talk over and over again, but do it every time she wants to talk. She'll eventually get it.
My now 5-year-old granddaughter was/is just like your daughter. Her mother is a single parent and must work, so we have gone through the same thing with her. She still has her days when she acts up for this very reason (especially because her daddy has left them twice now, the last time for good and he has not been back to even visit her) but now that she is 5, the talks are sinking in and she even helps mom to plan how to spend the money at the grocery store.

That having been said, you have two other reasons for your daughter's behavior, and you pointed them out yourself. She is either tired or bored.
The good news, is both are easy to cure !
A nap, or an earlier bedtime can cure the one very easily and leave you with some nice grown-up time to yourself.
The boredom is pretty easily cured, too.
Save a few fun things to do that she doesn't normally get to do without permission. For example, I keep a rubbermaid container full of rice for play purposes. We call it our indoor "sand". I spread a sheet or table cloth on the floor to catch the "strays" and allow my granddaughter to play with it like a mini indoor sand box. This can be moved to any room of the house, so I can keep an eye on her as she plays, but I can still go about my business. I only allow her to play with this special treat when she is very bored (to the point of acting out) but I am too busy to stop what I am doing to take her for a walk, or play with her. Because it's a "sometimes" thing, the "sand" box is a very special treat that she enjoys, doesn't have the chance to get bored with, and it will keep her busy long enough for me to find some free time for her, or for her to work through her boredom and find another activity to occupy herself.

I wish you all the best. I can tell you are a great mom, and this will all work out. Hang in there !

As a SAHM I can say that tantrums happen a lot. My oldest is 4 and I have spent the last 4 yrs home with him, and the tantrums are happening a lot right now. It has nothing to do with me staying at home or working out of the home. Children do not have the ability to express their emotions. Just think how frustrating that must be. As for your friend, she should not have said that. If I read that right she is a SAHM whose child was having tantrums too. So why was her child having tantrums is she was home all the time? You need to tell her that you did not appreciate the comment and tell her how it made you feel. All children have tantrums, regardless of where the parent works. If she is really a friend she will understand why it didn't go over well.