1St Grade Boys and Parents Feelings About Behavior

sounds to me as if she's handling it in a pretty awesome fashion. she seems to value your friendship, and the boys' friendships just as you do, but is sensible enough to see issues and that fostering other friendships would be wise.
how is it scapegoating your son? you both appear to acknowledge the reality that these two young rogues egg each other on. doesn't mean they're bad kids or shouldn't be friends. but when they get in trouble together, it's simply good parenting to recognize that and take steps to handle it.
i'd follow the other mom's lead, and try not to internalize it or be overly sensitive.
khairete
S.

I'm going to be really honest with you here. I've been on the giving AND receiving end of this. My boys are grown so I have the benefit of having gone through it AND have some time to look back and reflect. This is considered advice to you from my life experience with two rambunctious boys.

Your sensitivity that you speak of and blaming this woman for "scapegoating" your son is selfish. I know you don't want to hear this. But it is. You aren't putting yourself in this mother's shoes. She has every right to feel the way she does. She sees behavior in her kids that she doesn't like when they are around your children. Your son's trouble regulating himself is part of first grade behavior, but that doesn't mean that she has to accept it with her own son. She does to a certain degree, probably in small doses. And you should be accepting of her trying to limit their time together.

She is very nice to gently say to you that she would like there to be some time between playdates. That is far better than telling you that your son needs to grow up some before they play together more.

If you want to be friends with her, find time for you two to be GIRLFRIENDS rather than kids' mothers together. Also try to have double-dates with husbands and have babysitters.

Your friendship may survive if it's not always about the kids. Trying to force the kids to be the reason for your friendship will inevitably doom your friendship.

Now, if that's all you really want her for, then you can go ahead on this path and the relationship will fall by the wayside. And maybe that's okay with you.

If you cannot see her point of view and you only want to take offence at it, you'll find a lot of the same ruining of friendships down the line. And that can be kind of lonely. Don't go that route.

Find out from the teacher what's really going on during school.

I don't see that your friend is scapegoating your son at all - she says the kids get into trouble when they are together. That's sounds incredibly equal and incredibly honest. Maybe if your son spent time with different kids, he'd develop more social skills, and the pressure or focus wouldn't be on him and this one boy.

At this age, you really can't expect that kids would stay friends forever just because the parents like each other. Branch out - your son, and you.

I have been in a similar situation, but I've been in the position of your friend.

This is probably as difficult for your friend as it is for you. She most likely isn't scapegoating your son, but trying to improve the behavior of her own. What do you mean by ganging up on other kids? Are they unkind or unusually rough?

Now, I certainly don't want to offend, and I am speaking only from MY personal experience, but my friend always brushed off her kid's behaviors for one reason or another. I loved my friend, but I had to set some boundaries until my son had learned what kind of behavior was expected of him. Otherwise, we just kept going round and round the same situations.

I'm so sorry that you are hurting over this! If this is anything like my experience, she values you as much as you value her. Your friendship as families can make it over this hurdle! :)

Sigh. So much more complicated when we like the parents, isn't it?

My son has a couple buddies he gets into mischief with. I really like the kids, the parents are nice, and yet I've had to tell the teacher directly "so and so is a great kid, and when Kiddo gets together with them, BOY! do they get into some trouble. Could you please seat them separately?"

I'm not scapegoating any of the other kids, I'm just asserting what my son needs in that moment (different peers around) to be able to do well in class.

If your child and their child are 'ganging up', separation is important. The parents want to teach their child not to rely on his buddy to misbehave with him and to learn how to get along with other kids. Likewise, when my son and a girlfriend's child started getting into mischief at both of our houses, we both were very stern with the children and mutually agreed that the kids needed to cool off on playdates for a while. We could have blamed one or the other, but recognized both children needed help.

I'd also say that your style may be more relaxed than your friends. Personally, at that young age, I would be redirecting 'ganging up on' behaviors. When my son was acting out in class or such, I never 'wrote it off' but backed up the teacher by addressing expectations at home as well. If the teacher said that she'd had a hard time with him, there were no playdates or privileges for that afternoon. My son needed to know that even if I wasn't present at the time, I did not dismiss his behavior. Teachers have a very hard job and need our support. Perhaps this dismissive attitude is concerning to your friend. I mean, I don't get all worked up about misbehavior, but I think just shrugging your shoulders and saying 'boys will be boys' is a cop out. They need to learn how to be appropriate in the classroom and on the playground.

And I can guarantee you, I'm sure the parents of the kids who are being 'ganged up on' are frustrated. If you dismiss the behavior, they may feel that you aren't up to the task of hosting playtimes and keeping their kids safe. We had to end playtimes with a couple of kids for that reason-- the parents were checked out when they hosted, or the kid just doesn't listen to adults. No one wants to host a child who isn't theirs who is a lot of work.

Please think about your attitude and your part in all of this. If you just let problem behavior go, then parents will look to you as THE problem. The parent sets the expectation. There's really no way around that reality. It's one thing for a parent to say "My child has this or that challenge and we are addressing it" and then that parent keeps an eye on their kid-- quite another to expect that anyone else who has a problem with it or needs to make a boundary-- that there's something wrong with *them*.

I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusion that she is scapegoating your child. But let's be fair and honest... when they are together, they both tend to get into more trouble than when they are not together... correct? That's pretty much what you said. So, she is being a good mom and helping create an environment in which her son can succeed. And, actually, it can help YOUR son, as well.

Sometimes it is better if kids spend time apart. It doesn't mean that either child is "bad", only that together they have a certain dynamic that is not working for their benefit/betterment. THEY create this dynamic. The two of them. Not either child, it's the two of them when together. I've seen it (not your two, but other similar situations). Sometimes certain people bring out the best in us. Sometimes certain people bring out the worst in us. Sounds like maybe your boys bring out the "worst" in each other, and have fun doing it.

It would be logical to try to spend time apart. Maybe the dynamic between them will change with a bit more separation. To something more positive for both. :)

I think your friend is just being honest. It doesn't sound at all like she's scapegoating, because she is putting the "blame" here on both boys. And it's true, sometimes two personalities CAN bring out the worst in each other.
I know it's hard but try not to take it personally. I'm still friends with a few moms whom my kids stopped playing with YEARS ago, so I can tell you it's not the end of the world.

The other mom said to you, directly and honestly, that "she did state that she'd like to see there be some time between playdates. She thinks that they tend to get in trouble when they are together."

She was open about it and did not blame or criticize your son. She didn't criticize your parenting, either. She IS open to play dates between your boy and hers! But she is also being realistic about them. And she told you so, rather than hemming and hawing and saying, "Uh, we might not be in town much, I'll give you a call" and never getting in touch later.

So big credit to her for being a smart, honest mom. She sounds like a keeper as your friend because she's direct but also not critical. Give her a ton of credit for that. Now, be the same towards her: "I sure do get that our boys sometimes have a dynamic that gets them into trouble together. I agree that space between play dates is a good idea. Meanwhile -- let's carve out some adult time for the two of us to meet for coffee/lunch without our boys when they're (in camps, whatever) over the summer." And then follow up and make that happen and get to know her as an adult and not as your son's friend's mom. You like her already, so take the kids out of the equation and find ways to see her when neither of you has your kids around and you might have a very good (and honest) friend eventually.

I understand the sensitivity you feel but it's time to step back a bit and see her statements objectively. She is trying to set up her kid to succeed in his interactions. She is also giving your own son that same chance, since both boys seem to feed off each other's mischief. I'd be grateful she is observant of the kids' behavior and that she is willing to still do some play dates despite the dynamic between the boys.

I've had calls once from school about my child and another child misbehaving. They were a bad mix (fine on their own).

I didn't stop to think about the other kid. I was just focussed on my child and what I could do as a parent to make things better. So we limited contact, and worked with our child on his behavior - I didn't feel we'd be productive if he was still in cahoots with the other child.

I always say "Let's just take a break ok? and see how it goes."

Sounds like your friend is doing the same. Maybe she's just trying to assess what her son's behavior is like on HIS own to see what she needs to help him with.

I would look at it like that. Remember most people are not thinking about you - they are thinking about themselves (and their kids). She's just focussed on her son right now.

Good luck :)

Yes it's normal for 1st graders to behave that way. That doesn't mean their behavior shouldn't be curtailed. And if the boys don't make a good team at school, next year make sure they are in different classrooms.

It can put a strain on adult friendships when their children don't get along. Since you like this woman, and want to remain friends, the best thing you can do is to accept the other mom's wishes and try not to be hurt about it. Some kids play better with other kids. That's just a fact, nothing to be hurt about.

She's not scapegoating, she's just recognizing that this isn't maybe the best match. That's not placing the blame on either boy, it's just realizing that they may not bring out the best in each other.

Respect her wishes, and try to let this go. Find other playmates for your son.

Honestly, I would try my best to not take it as a personal offense towards your son and your family. I have a 3rd grade boy and they do tend to feed off of each other and mix well with some kids and not so great with others. Sometimes a certain mix can end in poor behavior choices. It's not your fault. If they are both getting into trouble together, it would be wise to at least keep them apart at school. Separate classrooms would be a good idea and then they can have some one on one time elsewhere and work on being more appropriate towards others when they are together. It sounds like the other mom is just trying to reign in some of the poor choices her son is making. It should be no reflection on you, other than to realize that your son needs to work on some of those things too, since you mention that he has some trouble sharing and resolving differences. Although, a lot of that can be maturity level. So, I'd take it slow in summer and try to have some playdates where the boys will be supervised a little, so you can help correct bad behavior and see how it goes. Meeting up at the park or fun summertime spot might be good, so you are both there to help keep the kids in line.

Yes.

It can go one of two ways. We can explain to the child (like we did SD) that it didn't matter that the girls didn't get along, we would still be friends with and friendly with the parents and she didn't have to greet the girl when we saw them, but she also shouldn't act like she just saw something horrible. SD missed out on things like going to the pool because she refused to chance seeing the girl. SD's loss.

I think DH learned something after SS and a friend's son drifted apart. He stopped associating as much with these friends and it really hurt a good friendship between him and the father. DH learned that he should not have put his kids' friendships ahead of his own.

If they tend to get in trouble and she doesn't like that, then accept it and say, "So...would it be possible to get a sitter and have a grown ups only outing? So and so music artist is in town. Want to go?"

As far as school - handle that with the school. They may decide to put the kids in different classes next year and/or they may give you suggestions for how to work with your son over the summer on being a better friend and classmate.

Instead of being upset that your friend doesn't want her kids to spend too much time with yours, consider the reason. Is your son really a scapegoat, or is he an instigator?

It doesn't sound like she's scapegoating your son. It sounds like she was very straight forward with you (and is actually doing a good job of NOT blaming things on your son) by saying her truth: She thinks the boys get into trouble when they are together. She doesn't want them to eliminate playdates but wants time between them.

That's fair.

No amount of bad behavior is okay. It's probably a good idea to start communicating that to your son.

Ganging up on other kids is not okay. Not listening in school is not okay. First grade is well beyond the age of "difficult time sharing." If your son is doing these things with or without his friend, he needs you to tell him they are unacceptable.

If the boys have problems with their behavior when they are together then telling them they can't be together is a logical consequence. Get on the same page with your friend and focus on getting both boys' behavior improved so that they can be well behaved friends.

No, my son and his friends never "ganged up" on other classmates in first grade. First grade is not too early to talk with your child about appropriate behavior and boundaries. It doesn't mean he will get it right away, but if you don't start now, when will you? In high school? Or will you "write off" his behavior as "just what teenagers do"? You are doing your son no favors.

As for the other mom, it sounds as if she is actually parenting her son and teaching him to step back and learn some boundaries. She isn't buying into the whole "boys will be boys" nonsense. Yes, boys are energentic and rile each other up. It doesn't mean they get a free pass to any kind of behavior they want to just because they are boys. Do your son a favor and start helping him learn the difference in playing versus "ganging up" on his classmates. This other mom is still willing to let her kid play with yours, but the older he gets you may not have such understanding parents around you if you don't start to reign his behavior in.

Hi,
In the school setting it would help I think if you talked to the teacher(s) that are around them all day they will notice what is going on and maybe why. I know I've asked my daughter's teacher about several issues that have come up. they are very helpful especially with the bullying problems out there. They to want to resolve behavior problems quickly at lest in our school. Hope this helps H.