18 answers

19 Year Old Curfew? Disrespectful.

Hello I am new to this site and found it by trying to find answers to a situation I am having with my soon to be 19 year old son. We have 9 children, 2 are out of the home already. The 18 yr old recently came home after moving out in January of this year because he did not want to follow house rules and physically injured his dad and sister. After living with a friend's family he was asked to leave there and moved into his car. About 1 month ago we asked him to come home because we knew he had gotten into trouble with the law and we thought he had hit rock bottom. He was fine for about two weeks and then his true colors showed, he became disrespectful by calling me by my first name and then by calling both my husband and I "Mr and Mrs" until my husband informed him we were to be called MOM and DAD only out of respect. He admitted to smoking whats called "fake weed K2" a few times a week, he has no regular job just some temp jobs once in awhile. We had made him a curfew of 1a.m. which he constantly breaks and stays out until 4a.m. with a bunch minor kids.He also does not respect anyone else by blasting his not so nice music. There are 6 other siblings under him from ages 16 yrs old until 18 months old. Today I told him I am locking the garage up when he leaves and he will have to ring the door bell to get in as long as its before 1a.m. I have also informed him since he does not pick up after himself and does not help out with other matters that he needs to find other living arrangements asap. I would appreciate any other input from others in this type of matter. My other two older ones never did this to us.

What can I do next?

Featured Answers

Stop bailing him out of his troubles. Be there for him, but let him clean up his own messes. Tell him he needs to have a full-time job or be in school in order to live at home.

1 mom found this helpful

I agree he needs to leave. He's 19, he's not a minor. He's making bad decisions and he is going to have to deal with the consequences.
You can't keep allowing him to make the whole house suffer. To live in a house with other people there are rules and standard behaviors. If you can't handle that, you can't live in a house with those people. Yes, he got in trouble with the law, but again, he's not a minor, he has to deal with the consequences.

More Answers

My friend couldn't get her son to grow up either. She bought a cheap cheap rv & set it up in a park for 6 months. she paid the rental for it. Her husband took him out to talk to him and she packed up his stuff and moved it to the rv. Hubby brought him to it and they explained that he had a livable place rent free for 6 months. He could sale it all or live in it and get a job and make his own way, but either way he was abusing their love & kindness and they loved him too much to let it continue. He now has a home of his own and time to figure it out. My friend told him they would love to have him for dinner and that it is served daily at 6:30pm, and that they hope to see him then, but if not, they will assume he has it covered. She told him that is was welcomed to do his own laundry on Sunday afternoons for free for one year and looked forward to seeing him then too, but if not, they will assume he has that covered as well. --- He was pissed, and didn't talk to them for a week or so, but he got over it and he realized that they weren't kidding, but were serious. He got a job and slowly began to do for himself. He eventually met a girl and then he worked to get a better place and now he is married with kids and doing great. hope this helps you...

5 moms found this helpful

Whether you like it or not he is an adult. He has to find his way and if it means he falls flat on his face it is his problem. You guys did the best that you could do while he was growing up to try and instill good things in him to be a good citizen of the world.

My son decided not to go to college but worked and decided to go in the military. About two days before the appointed date he decided he didn't want to go. The day came and he was really refusing to go. I called the recruiter and told him what was going on. While waiting for the recruiter I told him that I had prepared myself for this day for him to leave the home and that I didn't care where he went but he was leaving that day. So when the door bell rang and the recruiter showed up he left. It took me a whole year to realize I threw him out of the house. My daughter informed me, "Yeah Mom, you did threw him out." The house was so peaceful no turmoil it was like living in a library and ahhhh. He now has a home, a wife and a son in another state and is a journeyman electrician.

It can be done. You just have to pray for the best for him and let him live on his own. He will figure it out one way or the other. He is lucky because if he had had caused injury to other family members he would not have been welcomed back into the fold. And as others have said you have other children you have to worry about and they are watching what is going on. So nip it in the bud.

The best to you all.

The other S.

2 moms found this helpful

Mom, I think you were right to give him a second chance, and you are right again to tell him he needs to make alternate living arrangements now. He cannot or will not follow your house rules, he is disrespectful, you said he physically injured his father and sister - this is a toxic situation for your younger children to have to live with. Your son needs help, yes, but not under your roof unless he gets his act together. I would offer him help along those lines - trying to find a place to live, a counselor, etc. - and set a time limit for him to find another place to live. He is taking advantage of you and I think the very best thing you can do for him out of love is to present a united front and give him an ultimatum. I'm really sorry you are going through this, and hope it all works out for the best.

2 moms found this helpful

I think one issue may be that you treat your son as a child. I moved back into my parents house when I was 21 - and paid $250 rent per month, did my own laundry, could not keep personal items outside of my "rental" and paid all my own bills - phone, credit cards, car, car repair, etc. while also paying for graduate school. I was required to work AND be in school to qualify for the rental, which I stayed in for 2 years. My Parents felt that if I needed assistance as an adult they would give it to me BUT treat me as a responsible adult. At that time there were 2 younger siblings at home - one of whom eventually had to "rent" her room as well for a year. 20 years later (with 2 higher degrees and a family and home of my own) I really appreciated their help with an affordable room rental and the respect they showed me as an adult child. I learned about respecting their space, not treating them as a resort or motel as well as working towards goals - priceless and I was a model tenant.

2 moms found this helpful

Your son needs professional help.

My kids are grown and out of the house for over 20 years. I personally have never felt that respect was more important than getting to the core of what was bothering them. Underneath anger and rage is pain. Your son is hurting.

See if he will go to an excellent therapist and you and your husband also need to go see a counselor to figure out what really is important now. Choose your battles.

Also, sounds like he has a drug problem.

2 moms found this helpful

Stop bailing him out of his troubles. Be there for him, but let him clean up his own messes. Tell him he needs to have a full-time job or be in school in order to live at home.

1 mom found this helpful

Unfortunately there is no easy solution or answer for this one. We went through this with our now 22 year old. We also have a younger child and were concerned about the influence and the stress on our family. Not to bore you with the details as we tried everything to help our child including years of counseling, walking on eggshells, blaming ourselves, and we tolerated tons of harsh disrespect and bad behavior. We finally put our foot down and tough love was the only answer for us. It is about choices, and since our child chose not to do something to improve her life and make good choices, we chose to politely ask her to leave (more than once), we did allow her to come back home a few times, but it was always back to the same drama. We are now done with the drama. She has not lived at home or over a year and we have peace. We will always love her, pray for her and worry about her and will never let her go hungry, but we cannot and will not tolerate the behavior in our home. Good Luck, I know it is difficult.

1 mom found this helpful

Kick him out, now! Regularly, I would say that a 19 year old shouldn't have a curfew, but if he is acting like a child, there is no reason to not treat him like one. He needs to get himself a job, get out of your house and grow up.

1 mom found this helpful

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