16 Yr Old Driving Us Nuts.

I think you need to set down some firm rules. You've got to remember you are her mother and not her friend. You are preparing a young woman for adulthood. She will thank you when she is older.

If she wants to go out with her boyfriend she must do her chores and homework first. She will scream and fume, but you must stay firm. Just because you're firm doesn't mean your cruel. We all live by rules and have responsibilities - this is the greatest lesson we can teach are children.

Hope this helps. Stay stong.

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I was your daughter as a teenager. I am so sorry for what I put my parent's through, but I can see clearly now that I was BEGGING them to set some limits and tell me what I could and couldn't do. It didn't feel like it at the time, but I know now that I really needed those healthy boundaries and limits. I won't even tell you what I was doing while I wasn't at home doing my chores...

My parents loved me (still do) and thought they were doing the best thing by letting me "find myself" and "thrive in freedom". While my parents had very few rules I was expected to live by, the one rule that was firm was curfew. Would you know (as reckless and irresponsible as I was) I was NEVER late coming home. That one rule was welcome and respected by me because I needed it and many more. The only other rule we had was that we went to church on Sunday morning. I NEVER missed church and I accommodated my partying schedule so I could be sure I was able to get up on Sunday's. Backwards? Yes, but it was a rule and I wanted to follow it because there were so few boundaries.

Now I tend to parent the other way (very strict, lots of rules/boundaries) and I'm trying to relax my style a bit so I don't smother my children! I do realize that neither style is the best, but something in the middle where rules are meant and enforced and yet kids are not micromanaged for every decision they make. They should be rewarded for good/responsible behavior and calmly have consequences set for bad or irresponsible behavior. Sounds easy enough, right? Well, on paper it's great but as my good friend Mary says, "being a Mom is not for wimps". It's hard work and heartbreaking sometimes. I do recommend you read "Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours" by Kevin Leaman. He is very practical and tough and I love his natural consequences, especially for the older kids like your daughter.

I am so sorry your family is struggling right now - best of luck to you!

Good Morning, C.. Welcome to teenville....here's my thought. Check it out, if her boyfriend is keeping her from doing what she's supposed to do then limit the time she's allowed to spend with him. Tell her brother NOT to do her chores. At this age, you have GOT to stay in control. I understand the concern over being raised in a bad home but you can't let that keep you from properly raising your kids. There's a differece in a disciplined home and a bad home. My boys are 29 and 21 and they are just now asking "why did you do" whatever. When we explain they understand the thought process and that we were building character and teaching them integrity for the future. You don't need to be her best friend, you have to be her Mom and now is not the time in her life to back off of that. set bounderies, be consistant and one day she'll go "oh, so that's what you were doing". I promise it all comes out in the wash....if she was being responsible like her brother, you'd be able to treat her like her brother. she has to understand that she is "choosing" to do otherwise. she will have to learn to take responsibility for her choices in life so why not start that lesson now. Good luck. R.

Boy does this sound familiar. Not with our children, but with me. When I turned 16, I became a monster to live with. Yes, I admit it ... I know my parents were right. I would stay out past curfew and was partying with friends I did and didn't know. I could have so easily got in trouble. One night I stayed out all night and at dawn when I got home, my dad took my car keys and I was grounded for THREE OR FOUR MONTHS! I could only go to school and back. My parents took me and picked me up. I'm sure it was terrible for them too since they were sick of my attitude and behavior. I'm sure it wasn't pleasant to be with me. By the time it was over though, I was back to normal. I could have my boyfriend over for dinner and maybe to watch tv but that was it. Very limited phone time to make those plans. No talking on the phone endlessly. No going out with friends or with him. I hated it but I realized that I would have most likely been in bad trouble going down the path I was headed. My grades came up and I returned to a normal daughter/sister.

I grew up in a bad home too< so i understand where you are coming from. Since she is 16 yrs old, discipline at this point will be really difficult. I went thru the same thing with my ex wife's daughter. She wasn't disciplined as a child cus her mother went the "other way" as well. I mean.. EVERYTHING you have mentioned. Sounds like we could just swap kids. lol However, I have recently had contact with my ex wife, and asked about my former step daughter. It's taken a few yrs, but she had managed to start coming around and is turning out to be a pretty good young lady now. So.. don't give up hope. :-)

wow...it sounds like you have a 16 year old. It also sounds like she needs a MAJOR reality check. How do you react when she yells at you? Do you stand there and take it? If do, she's already winning, and has no respect for you, and you are letting her get away with it. I would check and make sure she's going to school. She wants that b/f, she's going to need to earn him!! She is still legally a minor until 18. STOP letting her get away with it!! You are letting her bully you, and that is repulsive! You need to put your foot down, There is a HUGE difference between being a bad mom and being someone who enforces the rules!! Good luck, honey!! I'm praying fo ryou!! does your hubby help with her?

Well I would just say she has to know who is the child and who is the parent. I would limit the time me child was around her boyfriend. It is a privilege to got out and not a necessity. I have a rule at my house, if you don't handle your responsibilities at home, there is no outside activities. Teenagers need money I understand but how can they work somewhere and be responsible and not want to be responsible at home. Don't tolerate the yelling, that is a big no, no. You have to demand the respect back. If being around this boyfriend has changed her so much, I would be inviting him over more to see what he is about. Maybe your husband can sit down and talk to the boyfriend and see what is really going on....Because I have to know what is going on, because if my child has changed I want to know why, and I start trying to see what the problem is, since I am responsible for my child.

I just went through the same thing and it was awful. My 16-year-old daughter went to live with her dad, so I am definately not a perfect person but I will tell you that it does get better and this is the book that I am using to try and keep my wits about me. (so far, so good). We have 7 children in our combined family. I wasn't sure what to do and then I came across this book.

I am reading a book called The Surrendered Wife. Now I know you are going "What will that do for me?"

Funny I was thinking the same thing, I found it in the library and I picked it up trying to figure out what the title meant. LOL.

I have no problems with my husband (newly married again, that's why the title caught my attention).

Anyway, I started reading parts of it and recognized some of the things in it as to how I was treating my children and I thought I could use this in my relationship with them, and it's helping. ALOT.

What I am learning from it is that I need to learn how to treat them in order to get a response that I want from them and that how I make them feel about themselves is why they were acting the way they were.

I thought my job was to tell them what to do and they would just do it seeing as I am the parent, I am learning that although this is true, HOW I tell them is going to be what reaction I get back.

The book is really an easy book to read and although it was meant for marriages, I see where I have to change also, just like I want my children to change. If for nothing else it really is showing me that I was unintentionally pushing away my own relationships when all I wanted was the best for my kids. Now one is gone, and I refuse to let it happen again. I wish I could've had this book last year.

The great thing is my daughter and I have a great relationship now and I really thought it wouldn't be like this. I just know that I had to do something and this is what worked for me.

It also took alot of stress of me, I can't believe the difference. I have very firm rules and they live by them, like them even but they weren't treating me very well, and I believe that is because of how I was treating them and it just was too much tension in the house. I spent alot of time in my room just to stay away from conflict.

Good luck in your quest. Just by posting this here shows you really care to do something, anything, and that is a step in the right direction.

Sincerely.

Every child will test boundaries. Being firm does not equate a bad home - it is the opposite. Do not act affected by her accusations. She is testing how she can get to you and manipulate you. That is normal. I had three siblings and we all took turns accusing my parents of loving another child more even though we knew it wasn't really true. You and your husband need to set firm boundaries for her together. It is your responsibility to know if her time is spent doing homework or with her boyfriend. You must know where she is at all times - that does not mean you have to be with her or spy. If you catch her lying, then you keep closer tabs. If she proves truthful, she gets more freedoms. Make it CLEAR that her behavior dictates the outcome, not you. In otherwords, if she makes good choices, she chooses to have freedoms. If she makes bad choices, SHE has chosen the consequences, not you. Stay strong - it is worth it to create a wonderful person.

What is she doing during the time after school when she is with her boyfriend? Where are they? Who are they with? Does this boy spend time at your house? Have you gotten to know him? This would worry me more than chores not getting completed in a timely manner. If she works for the family business is this her only source of income or do you give her money jsut whenever she asks. You don't say how she gets to and from school - does she have her own car; take the bus???

Take a close look at what she is given versus what she is giving back to the family and adjust accordingly. If she is not contributing anything to the family business or the household chores, then she doesn't need to be compensated for anything. If she has a car, which is a huge privilege, but is disappearing every afternoon, take her wheels. Or drop her off and pick her up from school every day. Limit her freedoms until she treats the family with respect. Find out what she is doing afterschool - a child who suddenly begins to act hostile and defensive around her family usually is feeling guilty about something and has something to hide.

Bottom line is that you and your husband are the parents. You provide food, shelter, clothing and I am sure entertainment to your kids. Do not let them walk all over you - set the rules and enforce them. All children, no matter the age, can be grounded and have privileges taken from them if they are living at home.

16 year olds needs guidelines and limits. I always like to give "I messages" and tell kids upfront what behavior I expect from them. i don't like to be yelled at. I like you to do this or that chore. I want you home at 10 etc. After I tell my kids what to expect I lay out consequences if they don't. Every kid is motivated by something. i personally find the telephone cell phone tv friends very powerful. Realy the celll phone is the most powerful. i let them know everything they have is because I choose to give it to them. Most things are priviledges etc. If she has a job and pays for it herself take a car away. Boyfriends pose another problem. Hard to take them away. But you could limit her spending time with him by only letting them be around the house with you.
Kids lie also and manipulate to get their way. don't let her make you feel bad by comparing her to her brother. That's manipulation. State that's has nothing to do with this situation.
Try to stay calm when you talk to her.
i also suggest family meetings with goals of what you want like house cleaning behavior grades etc. Til they get the drift of where you're coming from. Teenagers also take about 30 minutes or so of spending time with you before they start opening up. Hang with your daugher. Watch tv together and see what happens when you spend time together.
Give her an I message that "I wish we could get along better and not have quarrels. I'm not asking too much by doing chores" etc
Some of my suggestionsl
i have three teenage girls in my house and a 22 year old who put me thru heck and is now a fine young man
Good luck

you need to find a way to get her to change cause my granddaughter was dating a boy no one liked and she ran away with so her daddy let her marry this creep now after 2 months she has decided it was a mistake so now she is getting a divorce and she is 17 so watch out so of them can get into trouble at that age and I would check to see if she has been in school cause you can get into trouble for that and set hours that she can hang with him too and don't let her yell at you if you go to church talk to your pastor he will help I am sure ans as far as the way you were rasied times have changed if you don't get a hold of things between you and her it won't be good good luck

C., you didn't mention a church family; that can be a tremendous source of support. Sixteen can be a difficult age. I have 5 kids; all adults now, and my youngest daughter was the most difficult. We needed lots of prayer, unconditional love, and boundaries. It sounds as though she's more than a little spoiled. I think you know that. Christian counseling would be a good idea. If you're not a practicing Christian, (or even if you are) you may want to surf the net for support groups out there, too. There's a support group for almost everything imaginable. Also, a family conference, in a neutral setting away from home, when everyone's in a good mood, and she can air her feelings. Each family member should have chance to speak without interruption. Begin and end it with prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to guide your thoughts and actions. In time she will be a totally different person. You will get your daughter back from this other planet called "TEENAGER."

You've already received a lot of good advice from several women...Christi, Cynthia, Leslie, etc. I agree with all of them. We have 3 daughters...21, 17 and 15 and our 21 year old is the one that has given us the most problems. She's a very good girl, no parties, drugs, alcohol, etc., however, she had a smart mouth on her when she was younger. It's hard to stick with it, but you have to set firm rules and then stick to them. We learned to refuse to talk to them if they were not going to speak to us with respect (of course this means that you need to speak to them with respect as well). We do not allow them to yell at us or be mouthy. We will pop them in the mouth if they do and they know it. Doesn't mean they don't forget and do it anyway sometimes. We give them a couple of reminders and then follow through with the consequences (pop them in the mouth). We also demand that they speak respectfully with each other. It is very important that children learn how to use their self control, they will think it is impossible, however, it will help them in so many other areas of their lives. You must also always try to make the consequences known ahead of time, that way they are choosing the consequences whenever they choose not to follow the rules. It makes parenting so much easier when you leave the choices up to the children, you have to teach them that there are consequences for their choices...good or bad, however, they have WAY more control than they want to admit when it comes to they way they perceive they are treated at home. If you can point this out to your daughter each time she chooses not to follow the rules, maybe she will begin to think before acting.

Good luck!