My son is a sweet boy BUT....he has been giving me a hard time lately. His grades were dropping a bit so we took his phone away until he picked them up. Well he was upset so he ran away for a few hours. I tracked him down playing basketball at the park. He realizes it wasn't a smart thing to do. He has a hard time expressing his feelings. I told him today I'm going to make an appt. with someone so he can express himself. If he feels he can't speak to us he has to talk to someone. We have a good relationship but at times he gets upset and will freeze up. He leaves his clothes or wet towels around. He doesn't want to clean his restroom. I have to nag him as he calls it. I know he is 13 but when is he going to start doing things on his own? I didn't let him play basketball yesterday because he has a project due next week and I said he should start it now that he has extra time. He has a partner for the project so he wants to text her about the project...I said he could get the number from his phone and use our house phone or my phone or stay after school and work in the library or study here at home...am I being unreasonable? He got mad and went upstairs and barely talked to me all night and this morning? I'm trying to just let it go...I told him that the same thing applies today...start your project or no basketball...am I dealing with this the right way? I offered to help...
Thank you to all the wonderful Mother's out there that responded. He is back to himself but I know we have a new journey through high school. We attend church and he is very active in sports so I'm sure we will do fine with a few bumps in the road. Sometimes we just need to let it out and that's what I did and all the responses helped...Thank you! At this age they are going through so much and sometimes it's hard to remember what it was like. I just have to try and not take it so personally, he isn't disrespectful in any way. Just a little attitude at times.
Hi S.,
You sound quite reasonable to me. He is a teenager and trying his limits. It will be the best thing in the world for him to know that you mean what you say. This means that he will be able to count on you for ANYTHING to be his loving parent. I know things are tough now with him, but there will come a time where he will appreciate you for it.
i have a 13 year old that it doing way worse things then that. your lucky. but is he being a brat? of course that's what 13 year olds do sometimes. and you were in all rights about the school project. you took his phone for a reason and i commend you for sticking by the punishments( we can all be softies sometimes). and they will start cleaning up after themselves when they are .......40? lol who knows. but i feel like you have handled the situation alright. good luck
You're doing great, S.. Just keep it up and be consistant.
He is a typical boy. He does have an an exorbinent amount of testosterone flowing through him now till about 18 or so. It's a lot for the body to handle and he most definitely doesn't know how to handle it. I have found that I will offer help for projects and things, but it will be early, if it comes down to the wire, I will not extend a hand. I feel that they have to learn to do things timely so that there is room for improvement instead of thrown together last minute and that's the final project. Phone was a huge issue when my daughter was in jr. high and there we had to set up a lot of rules. The phone had a curfew, it couldn't be used during homework time, and she had to handle her responsibilities of being in a family and helping around the house. This was all really problematic during the jr. high school age. High school still brings attitude but they are so busy you really don't have quite as many confrontations. She has had to plan her time according to her sports schedule and it really has made a difference. No more late projects. It's a better schedule for her. Keep them busy!
I think you are doing a pretty good job. Hope some of this info helps.
The best advice by parenting experts is to have natural consequences for misbehavior and mistakes – that way the child can logically connect the two. It's a little hard for me to logically connect the phone with the schoolwork, and more particularly with leaving wet towels around.
I notice your language: your son is driving you insane, and he's a spoiled brat. I also notice that he thinks you nag. Looks like a standoff from here, and if both of you hang onto those opinions, they will shape your parent-child interactions for the rest of his years at home.
It doesn't have to be that way. There's a superb book that describes exactly how to be compassionate and respectful toward your son while being clear about your own expectations and need for cooperation and respect from him. It gives easy-to-understand examples for just about any parenting situation you'll find yourself facing. I hope you'll read How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk. You'll be glad you tried this approach!
It sounds like a combo of a few things.
First, you are doing a great job and I don't believe you are giving him a hard time. You are being a parent. Drawing lines and holding to them. Good for you.
It sounds like hormones and mainly adrenals. When people get stressed, their adrenals don't function up to par, so the hormones get all funky. Depression is usually an adrenal issue that can be cleared up with some adrenal glandular, rather than numbing them with meds that don't heal for help the adrenal, but cover it up by keeping more serotonin in the body. Most people know that when they try to go off of their anti-depressants, they can't. That's because the problem wasn't fixed, but just covered up.
Another thing. There is abook called the Teenage Survival Manual that changed my life and how I saw my parents, when I was 12. I was able to see their point of view and give them a lot more respect.
Lastly, their friends have a huge impact on their moods and behavior. My son can hang out with one kid for an hour and is a nighmere, acting like a jerk, for a week. Ask him about his friends and maybe this whole thing is actually due to a girl...maybe someone said something mean.
I think you are doing a great job....and he's trying to find his way through it all. This is a game changing point and it can go any way....so make sure it goes in the right direction.
I don't have any advice except to hang in there, keep doing what you're doing and this too shall pass. My son just turned 14 and for the first time in 3 years is passing all his classes. He was obnoxious at home, and flunking and fighting in school. He has been invited to be on the high school football team (he is very tall, big, and strong) and he is working to be eligible to play. We took away the computer (he only recently got a phone), Wii, and TV. Nothing helped. He didn't believe in himself. Now he's beginning to. Hopefully your journey won't be as painful but know it will get better. Eventually. Oh, and his bathroom and bedroom are still big messes.
Hi S.!
I know I'm late with this post...sorry!
I have two sons 16 and 12 and all I can say is that your son WILL stop driving you crazy at some point. My 16 year old was just like this (minus the disappearance and cell phone issues...he didn't have one, period). But, as he hit high school, he's become so much easier to deal with. He still has his moments, but he's not as petulant.
As for my 12 year old, he's the ultimate procrastinator and we've had to ban things from his life because of bad grades, too. Stick to your guns, just do it with a smile even when you feel like screaming. Even though we know it's "just a phase," I don't believe that's an excuse and our job as parents is to continue to hammer home the lessons. At some point, if we're lucky, the lessons will stick and things will change.
On a more interesting note (maybe?), I asked my sons what they would suggest to you. Without hesitation and in near unison, they both exclaimed "Cell Block C." This is our family's name for when you are so naughty, your room is stripped down to clothes and bed and your every waking moment is in service to family and neighbors or in study. My 12 year old (Christopher, hence "c") earned "Cell Block C" a few years ago and it took only 3 days for him to realize the error of his ways and reform. We haven't really had a problem with him since. My sons said it sounded like your son needed a wake up call to how life can be without all the fun stuff if he continues on his current path.
My final thought is to do something daily, just the two of you, free of the pressures of home and school. For me and my eldest, we walk the dogs together every morning and just visit or spend time in comfortable silence. For my youngest, we spend a few minutes each day sharing hugs (he's a real cuddle bunny) and saying nice things to each other. This is important for us because when we fight, it can get really hurtful. We need to make those "positive deposits" when we're not mad at each other.
Hang in there.
Steph :)
I'm late to post too... I'm a step-mom so I get a totally different side of my husband's teenagers. They won't discuss some things with their mom and dad that they will discuss with me. I'm not sure why. I guess it's because they feel like I won't judge them. Parents judge...they're supposed to!! If there is another adult who is active in your life you might consider that your son may be able to express himself to this person. If there is another adult that your son trusts make sure that person knows that your son does look up to him/her so they can be available for discussions he won't want to have with you. My step son talked to me about becoming sexually active but not his dad. His dad would have been supportive of him but he would have told him...'don't do it' Instead I talked to him about how my experiences effected my life. I could easily talk openly about the pro's and con's because I have a different relationship with him than the parents. I get to express the same thing that his mom or dad would have without the pressure. If it's possible for your son to have a relationship like this I'd really nurture it. To me it sounds like your family is awesome. Roll with the punches. My favorite quote is...teenagers suck!! That sums up all of their weird behaviors. Your son will be human again and you sound like a great mom. He may not appreciate it now but he will.
