13 Month Old with Horrible Tantrums - Worse Since He Started Daycare

My youngest (now 11) used to have massive temper tantrums, throwing himself backwards onto the floor (didn't matter what kind of floor). We simply put him on the floor in his room, surrounded him with pillows, and walked away. Of course, we'd check up on him every minute or so, but we didn't want him to ever think that that kind of tantrum would get him attention. He would do this in daycare, too, and the daycare provider did pretty much the same thing.

Once my angel figured out that no one was interested, it wasn't nearly as much fun, and the behavior stopped.

Good luck!

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Congratulations on your son hitting a developmental milestone!! He knows what he wants but does not have the tools to communicate his wants, or he is powerless to make sure that he gets what he wants. Have you tried teaching him sign language?? It is incredibly easy and there are lots and lots of books available in the library even! Just start by working on signs for the things that set him off - mealtime signs like "eat" "milk" are good ones to start with. Once he knows these, you can teach him one more, and another and another. My daughter used to "ask" me to teach her signs for things she wanted to talk about once she got the hang of signing. When your son can start the conversation, he will feel so much more empowered and he will feel less out of control. He will have a way of telling you what he needs without slamming his head against the floor - better for everyone!

Also, if you know what he wants, but he cannot have it, make sure that HE KNOWS that you know what he wants - "I know you want to ride on the motorcycle but it is very dangerous. You can ride on your tricycle today and I will push you to go fast!" or something like that. At least he feels validated.

Also, you might pick up the book "Raising your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. He is a bit young, but this book has been a good reference for me with my first daughter. She is now seven and still strong willed (you can't beat that out of them!!!) but We have learned some techniques to deal with her extreme-ness as she grows up.

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Hi J., I'm not sure you need to consult a behavioralist, I see a couple things in your request that may be part of the problem, the first thing i saw was your child refusing, in my opinion as a mom and a daycare provider, children should never be allowed to refuse to obey, by letting him refuse you are giving him power over you that he is not suppost to have, the other thing is you mentione when he throws his tatrums you offer him food, toys, different scenery, you are offering him good things for bad behavior. you asked why he is doing this? well one reason is because he can, there seems to be no discipline and no repercutions for his disobedience. In doubt he is getting this from daycare because myself and other providers I personally know do not tollerate tatrums. I had a 13 month old here in my daycare who threw tatrums, because his parents ignored his bad behavior, well each time you did here I picked him up and put him in his playpen. My hisband and I had a no tatrum policy with bour own kids, and I can honestly say out of 3 kids we had no tatrums. Discipline starts from day one and changes as they get older, this way there is no tatrums, no disobedient and out of control children. My kids are grown now, so we have the fruits of our labor before us that tells us we did the right thing with our kids. Love him, be patient with him, but get control and start discipling and create a no tatrum policy in your home. You'll be happy you did later. J.

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All I know is... some children and even adults... see "red" when they are in the midst of an upset.
And its not like a conscious tantrum... where they know what is going on.

My Husband's brother... when he was a kid, when he was mad/upset... he'd get in a real tizzy, like you describe. It goes beyond the typical normal tantrum. His brother, would literally be like not even in the "present"....but just so INTO his tantrum that he didn't even know what was around him or going on. It was like he was dis-connected. His Mom, would need to just pick him up, and put him in a cold shower to sorta "shock" him out of it. And, his brother would then come back around, to the "now."
But now as an adult, well his brother is not like this. And he's totally normal. A real nice guy genuinely. They don't know why he was like that as a child. He's not a monster or anything....but just when upset... it was like an uncontrolled domino effect and he'd just go off on this tangent... of 'seeing red' as my Hubby describes it. Sometimes his brother didn't even really believe how he got when in a tantrum/upset... so his Mom actually videoed him in the midst of one. It was like how the "Hulk" becomes hulk.

I don't know what to tell you... but that, well, my Hubby's brother was like that. Of course that was in an older generation, not currently, where maybe now they know just what the problem was/is.

Perhaps... he should not be in daycare right now and is not ready. A child this age, CANNOT do things at will completely yet... nor be expected to sit still for a long time...even 10 minutes is a lot for a mere 1 year old.
Or, is it possible that something at the Daycare is just inappropriate or not suiting him very well? You should investigate that possibility. He does not seem happy, or he is not ready for "structured" activity or "school." It can be too stressful for many kids, when they are not yet ready.
It could simply be, that he is so irked...by all the things at Daycare, and he can't explain it.
I certainly hope the Daycare providers are telling you what they do with your Son when he acts this way???

All the best, just some thoughts and random ideas,
Susan

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Has his sleep habits changed since entering daycare? Like a different nap schedule? I've read that if kids aer not getting adaquate sleep, their mood/demeanor can drastically change, increasing tantrums and crankiness. Maybe you can talk to daycare about his naps and then try to adjust bedtime/naptime to get him more rest.

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I don't think you need a behavioralist. I think he's just growing up, testing you, seeing what he can get away with, and is probably a bit upset about being in daycare. He's a normal little boy. Our son did the same thing for a bit when he entered daycare part-time. We gently insisted he do what we asked, regardless of his resistance. Then, we just rode it out because it didn't last very long.

If it lasts longer than you're comfortable I would look for some more specific advice. I don't know what books you've read, but the Baby Whisperer has some great advice. There is a book written just for toddlers and it helped us a lot with issues similar to this.

Sorry I don't have a specific answer for you, but I hope I was helpful.

Good luck!
~A.

Dear J.,

As a parent coach, I help parents deal with these types of issues all the time. I know how difficult it can be. Below is a link to an article I wrote that may be of some help to you. If I can be of any further assistance, feel free to contact me.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/6/11_Attack...

Be well,
G. Brown, M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator

you need a specialist who will not be looking for what you are doing "wrong" to make him like that. you need the one who will address the issue directly w/o major life style adjustment. i'm biased, but for what it worth - it is homeopathy. make sure your homeopath has CCH credentials
Good Luck
V.

Read "The Happiest Toddler on the Block." It's short, gets to the point, and is filled with advice you can start using immediately. Same writer who did "The Happiest Baby on the Block," which seems to be everyone's favorite parenting book (me included).

Good luck!

You're right about the strong willed part. :) Some kids, and adults, just are. The thing you can control is your reactions to his behavior. You cannot control his behavior. You cannot prevent tantrums. You cannot make them shorter or less severe. You cannot make him see that it's a bad idea. Don't try to console him, distract him, or offer him anything. Have a safe, soft place - his bed, a beanbag chair, the couch - and put him there and walk away when he has a tantrum. Leave him there, alone, until it's over. If he follows you, silently and gently take him back.

He has these fits because he wants to control his environment. When you try everything to get him to stop, you're giving him full control of the adults. In order for him to decide to stop - and HE has to decide, not the adults - he has to feel that there's nothing in it for him - no attention, no choices, nothing.

I would stop giving him milk. I know it sounds crazy, but dairy intolerance can lead to tantrums. Change to rice milk or if you are worried about nutrition, try giving him the Nutramigen formula as it is hypoallergenic. Any other behaviors he is having? Does he sleep well? Eat well? Interact with you? I would really consider stopping dairy and seeing if that helps. Sometimes if they are sensitive/allergic to it, they go through sort of a "withdrawal" when you eliminate it. Behaviors can get worse for a week or so and then better after that.

Dear J.,

My 13 month old has been discovering the joys of tantrums, and she stays home. My mom watches her for a few hours a day, and has been since she was 4 months old. When the tantrums started my mom suggested something that I thought was silly, so don't laugh. When my daughter starts to whine with an impending tantrum, she blows in her face a puff of air. I don't know why, but I guess its so distracting physically that she can't help but pause for a second. If she starts up again she blows another puff of air in her face. During this time she is also finding a redirect, so a toy or activity that will get her attention like "LOOK, LOOK OVER THERE, is that a bird? Where is the bird?" Or something like that real excited. It works 75% of the time. The rest of the time, if she isn't in any danger we just ride it out and ignore it. If she gets very upset and can't calm down I hold her and tell her its okay to be frustrated and angry and that mommy will wait until she has calmed down. I try to acknowledge her feelings. If she is very thrashy I might hold her tighter, or just put her down and sit near her. This too shall pass????

HI J., I feel for you. I would stop trying to distract him when he starts a tantrum. I would tell him something like, "when you're finished with your tantrum, come see Mommy. I don't want to be around you when you scream" or something like that. Everyone gets angry sometimes, and he needs to know that's OK- but that you also don't have to stay and listen to it. At another time when he's not actively going haywire you can say something like " Johnny is angry- so so angry), to give words to him for the emotion. You can demonstrate stamping your foot- or something else that is an appropriate way to release some of the anger. Basically you're modeling a better way of expressing anger.

Check this out...www.theartofcure.net

Is it possible that maybe this is his way of letting you know that he's not ready for daycare? He IS still really young for that. I know maybe not by today's standards but I think you need to do whatever's best for your son and dismiss any outside pressure to get back to work,or whatever else. I'm sure you had your reasons for putting him in there but if it is at all possible for you to be with him, maybe that would make him feel more secure. It sounds like he is acting out in the only way he knows how. Also, you may consider taking a community college parenting class. It's a great way to get him in a setting around other children so that you can compare, ask questions and see if it's a normal developmental stage. Hopefully you have some family and friends to turn to when you feel stressed out and need a break. As hard as it is, try to stay calm and in control. Good luck and peace.