12 Year Old Step Daughter Living with Us................. HELP!

I have a twelve year old daughter also, what a difficult age. One thing that helps me to cope is not ever thinking about the future one day at a time or if I must plan for camp or some other activity I must focus strictly on those events. Keeping my daughter very busy helps me give direction without too much dialog as she doesnt like to be directed. I would send her to a church youth group because there is always some who just LOVES twelve year olds as crazy as that sounds and it does wonders for the attitude and happieness of our kids. Really I feel for you. Tam

Read.. Read .. Read.. about step parenting..I think not having her mom in her life is more of a problem than money. Have faith.. do good and God will provide. :)
Maybe she will need some space to adjust.. I remember one thing though that helps .. When they push you away.. it means come closer... Love will heal everything.. Maintain the bond with your husband ..

Trust in the Child study team and see what happens. Look in your phone book for FAMILY counceling and see if your county or town offers any free services. I say FAMILY, because it is effecting you and your spouses relationship too weather you realize it or not yet. Call the local church or other religous house of worship. They usually have some programs to offer. Cathlioc charities helped us with my sons depression for free. Stop at the township hall or police dept and ask if they can suggest anything. Get her involved with a school club or peer support group. The boyscouts worked wonders for my son and he didn't start going until he was 14 or 15. He is an eagle scout now and it has made a huge diffrence in how he carries himself.

PS Don't give up yet. Learn how to do deep breathing exercises (teach hubby too) before she comes home or before you pick her up.

First, a HUGE hug to you... this sounds like a very tough situation and of course you feel like throwing in the towel sometimes. Anyone would! But it's also clear that you're committed to helping this girl and that says a lot about you.

You asked about getting her help - I think that's crucial. You all need support in this process. Obviously her own life has been turned upside down, too. I am a clinical psychologist and in NYS the Medicaid system provides a really comprehensive mental health package. Does she qualify for Medicaid in any way? If so, you might pursue that, even as secondary coverage.

If that isn't an option, I'd look for a good clinic associated with either a teaching hospital (affiliated with a medical school) or a training clinic affiliated with a doctoral program in clinical psychology (check your local universities to see what they offer). Usually the fees there are lower but, IMO, the services are just as good, if not better, than you'd get from someone in private practice.

Good luck with all of this - you already know it'll be a long process. Be really good and gentle with yourself, no matter what happens.

I know that things can be hard with two young boys.
I have a 20 month old and a 5 month old boys at home. On the mom side of things I know what you are going through. I also understand what your Step-Daughter is going through too. My father was married and remarried 4 times.

There is going to be a period of time where you both are going to need to go through, with adjusting to each other, and being twelve years old she is going to be testing the both of you to see where her boundaries are. 12 years is the time where children start to think that they know it all, parents are dumb, and that they are totally independent.

I know that things may be difficult but reaching out to her now and building a relationship will help things in the long run. If your husband could watch the boys on the weekend or to find a babysitter for a few hours and just the two of you girls go shopping or to a movie. (Have her spend some alone time with her father too). That way your Step-daughter will feel special and included in the family. She might feel like an outsider right now with the two young boys (because they do take up most of your time (with good reason)).

Children that put up the greatest wall need the most love after all!

How about trying to do a girls day out with her and talk. I tried that with my ex fiance's daughters and it works wounders between us for a little while. Try calling around to see if any one does family councaling.