11 Yr Old Daughter-using Mom's Cell Phone

I do password-protect my phone, but improper use of my phone or falsely texting someone would certainly get my son grounded. I haven't had any issues like this come up yet and he's not at an age where he would need one yet. We will see about it in middle school, if he shows he can be responsible with using it.

My kids do not touch my phone unless they have been asked to. They never open my phone or apps or read my texts. They know that to do so would be a huge violation of my privacy and that it would result in the loss of their own phones and/or other electronics. To me this is the same as going through my bedroom drawers, what is in my phone is none of their concern. And if they pretended to be me that would mean even more trouble, like no phone, computer, or activities for a couple of days, getting more days added on for each offense.

Put a lock on the phone...don't give her the pin. It safer for you that way anyways in case you lose it or it is stolen.

There would be serious consequences if my child after the first time continued to impersonate me. Loosing all kinds of privileges including the events she was manipulating by her impersonation.

My 11 year old has her own phone that I go through often. So one day she picked up mine as to start going through it and I stopped her. Her response was that I go through hers, so why can't she go through mine. Before I could respond, she then said, "oh because you're the adult and I'm the child, and you pay the phone bill." It was funny, but so true. I will however, allow her to answer or check text messages if I'm busy driving or something. But to use it pretending to be me, that's a whole other pall park. She would have definitely suffered some consequences and repercussions....LOL

Once in a blue moon my daughters do this but as a joke. Like texting my husband that the oldest (lives on her own) deserves a dog. I need ice cream.

Just random like you said, none of my kids ever did that.

If they did I would go with explaining what age they might get a phone and pointing out if they can't show responsibility now that day is going to get pushed back.

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Passwords? That is like babyproofing your phone. Sure they can't access the phone but it teaches them nothing about self control. Why don't people see this is one reason why kids have boundary issues, they think if they can get to something it is okay to mess with it.

Meh, whatever, I am old and crabby.

Um, never. My kids can be pretty cheeky but no, they would never, ever even think about doing this. My phone is MY property. They would no sooner touch my phone without permission than they would go through my purse or on my computer.

That said, my phone is LOCKED with a PW at all times so there's no way they would get on it anyway.

You need to have a serious talk with her about violating your privacy and touching what's not hers. That is happened one time is appalling enough. That is has happened more than once is a sign that you didn't adequately discipline her the first time.

Ug, I feel so old. When I was 11 I had access to the house phone. There were no cell phones then.

Does she have access to a phone? (Maybe you have a landline. We don't.) That would be a perfectly reasonable thing for her to want. Kids her age like to talk on the phone.

Remember the days when families would have two numbers listed int he phone book? There was the fist number and then the "teen phone."

I realize why people are upset. That is your personal phone, and she is not respecting your privacy by either reading one of your texts or sending a text to someone who could think it's actually from you even though it's not.

But it's also perfectly normal for her to want to be able to talk to her friends. Is it really so bad for her to have her own phone? Or at least access to a phone?

Can't you lock your phone and only use a passcode to be able to do anything?

I have a passcode on my phone and no one can get on it for any reason if they don't know the passcode. It will lock up on them if they make too many attempts as well.

If my daughter impersonated me on my phone or any phone, it would be a LONG time before she would be able to be trusted by me and earn her way to do the fun things she is "following up" on as you say she is doing. She has no business impersonating you and that is what would bother me the most.

My 12 yo granddaughter has done this. She's now using the computer and instant messaging instead. This started when I gave her permission. Gradually she started using it without permission.

Your daughter does not need a punishment. This is one of those problems that can be resolved in a way that teaches and builds trust with her. You are a part of the problem. When I didn't want my granddaughter to use my phone I kept it away from her by carrying it on my person or putting it away where she can't find it. I recognized that she couldn't stay away from the phone when it was available and made it not available. I did feel frustrated with her but at the same time I recognized she hadn't yet matured enough to handle this responsibility. Just like we don't leave knives where a toddler get to them we don't put a phone out when she's not able to stay away from it.

I suspect you're upset about what she texts. Perhaps when she double checks arrangements you've made or will make you feel she doesn't trust you? I have a different understanding for that behavior. Your daughter is about to enter the teen years. Kids this age are very social. They talk about everything social. They are learning how the world works. This is a good thing. She does need guidance. She won't accept it if you're critical and emotional about what you have to say. Punishment does'nt teach. It creates anger and an unwillingness to learn.

I suggest that now is the time to learn positive ways to interact and teach your daughted. I highly recommend Love and Logic books by Foster Cline. You can get a sense of their philosophy be looking on their website. They have written a book just about teens.

Jennifer made a good point about having phone access back in the day on a house phone.

Is she trying to be you in a conniving way or just texting with your phone so it is your number therefore confusing the recipient thinking they are talking to you? I think I would make her announce 'This is Emma, Can Sophie come over to my house?' Instead of 'Sophie is invited to come over to play with Emma.'

Has she been trained to do this? This is not meant to be an insult. I am just thinking I have had my son practice writing with my phone by replying to my husband via text when he was 5. So in the future when my son is older he might think doing what your daughter has done is no big deal. Your post is important for people with younger kids. Thanks for bringing this up.

Our iPhone and iPads are shared with the kids. I let my son play a video game and my husband will let my 4 year watch a movie. It is a privilege to them, not a right. It is wonderful on a long car trip.

No. They don't. And they never have. It's total disrespect, and very deceitful, in my opinion.

The simple way to solve it is to lock your phone and don't let her know the passcode. That will end it. But I would address WHY you do that with your daughter, because she is plenty old enough to know that what she is doing is wrong and why.

Ground her, take away her electronics, and put a password on your phone. That was rude and sneaky and inappropriate. And she blew her chances on getting a phone anytime soon because she doesn't know how to respect other people's things.

I would 1. put a lock on my phone. 2. put the phone out of her reach. Even when my DH or I reply to a text on the other's behalf, it is 1. with and permission and 2. we do not pretend we are not who we are. If she thinks this is funny, what else is she doing?

If she is trying to coordinate her own friend time, I would tell her that unless you specifically TALK to the parent (vs text) then no plans are accepted, final, approved. Then tell the other parents yourself that no plans are confirmed unless you and they have time to talk or meet in person. Her punishment then might be that she goes nowhere because she made it harder on you. I would also not coordinate anything too hard if she was causing me problems via text. My SD wants to borrow the car? She needs to confirm it with me and if she made plans without advanced permission, there's the bus. She can't obligate you unless you allow it.

Put a pass code on your phone so she can't use it.
And every time you catch her with it in her hand, ground her from all activities and privileges.
My kid got a cell for her 15th birthday. No way I would give a tween a phone of her own.

In my house it would get her grounded. That's the same as sneaking any thing else. It is disrespectful to you and to the person she is texting pretending to be you.

The punishment for that would be first an automatic no for whatever she is trying to get together activity wise. And a grounding for each time it happens.

Kids don't need a cell phone. It's a privilege. And so is having activities outside the house they are not rights. So her trying to undermine your authority by micro managing it would be a big fat no sorry you broke the rules.

My kids use my phone and my ipad when they ask. But they would never pretend to be me or go into my email, texts, phone calls, etc unless they asked and were told yes. This is some serious disrespect.

But like some other moms have said - has she had free reign to use your devices? Have you told her this is unacceptable? Does she not know about privacy concerns? Sorry, but I just can't even imagine my kids doing this....

Our son never did that.
You can password protect your phone.
That will stop her.
Sounds like she could use a few more chores to do - she's ready for a new responsibility!

I would lock the phone, and she doesn't get to use it anymore for whatever period of time you deem appropriate. Make the time longer for each reoccurring offense. If she can't use your phone responsibly, she can't use it at all.

Tell her that IF she really feels the need to make sure you are following through with things (are you typically forgetful or something so she actually feels she needs to do this, or is she just being completely random?) then she needs to ASK you, instead of taking it upon herself to do it for you. Just let her know that it is inappropriate to pretend to be you, and that it is not something you will tolerate.

a pattern?
really?
no, my kids would never have done such a thing. if they had done it once, i assure you it would have been the last time.
does your 11 year old always disregard you this flagrantly?
khairete
S.

I haven't had this experience, but if it were my kid, I think the consequence would be that the social engagements she was planning would be cancelled. She isn't allowing YOU to be the mom and make the plans in this situation, and this is worrisome. If she's trying to go around you in making plans now, what's this going to look like later on?

If she 'isn't trusting you' to follow-up with friends' parents, I would change how that communication is happening between you and your daughter. Let her know when you intend to make the call/text and ask her 'why don't you give me until tonight/whenever to ask me that again. That would be a good reminder if I haven't done it. ' Let her know you want to do this for her.

Or, you can always tell her that if she wants you to drop what you are doing and make social arrangements for her, she can trade you jobs. She can help her cause by doing the housework you might be occupied with at the time she asks. "Sure, if you want to do some dishes, I'll have a few minutes to call/text so-and-so's mom."

I suggest these things, not to diminish your frustration and concern, but so you have a positive way to address what your daughter is perceiving to be a problem. Giving her positive options to getting what she wants means that she is also MORE on the hook for going behind your back and using the phone.

I'd also let her know that if it continues to happen, I'll have to ask her friend's parents to contact me directly via phone to make arrangements since she is making plans via text which I haven't agreed to. It would likely be pretty embarrassing to her, but it would be for her own safety.

My 7 1/2 year old has done this, but we just take his electronics away for a period of time. He is begging us for a cell phone of his own. I have told him repeatedly that when the time is right, he will get a cell phone.

We were thinking we would probably get him one when he turns 10 (we haven't told him that, but that is the age we were thinking), as most of the tweens we know received their own phone when they were 10 or 11. Is there a reason you are not planning to get her one right now? I'm really just curious what your reasons were because they might be reasons I should be considering as well.

My kids have used my phone to text, but always identified themselves first. "This is Kate, using my mom's phone, can blah blah come over on Saturday?" or something along those lines. They have their own phones, but every once in a while there's a situation where they might need to use mine.

If they *ever*, and I mean ever, impersonated me and texted someone from my phone as me, there would be a serious problem. Truth be told, I can't imagine them doing something like that. It's never happened. It better never happen.

Password. I have to admit that is really pretty bad. Why does she feel she needs to do that. Keep your phone on you. Obviously, she is not ready for a phone. Of course, an 11 year old does not need one anyway. She would be in big trouble with me for sure. I would ban her from any electronics for now. She is not responsible.

Oh heck no. Our daughter knew very well to ask for permission to use our personal things. We modeled this by asking her if we could borrow her things also.

She knew not to go into our bedroom without permission first, I never told her no. She knew not to go through my handbags or my husbands papers, backpack, etc. without our permission.

I agree to change the code on your phone, iPads, and your email or computer if necessary,

Have you ever spoken with her directly about the rules of behavior and privacy that is expected as a family?

I think some parents forget, this is something children need to be taught and said out loud to their children, just like everything else. Children like knowing the expectations and rules.

If we do not explain them, how can we get mad at our children for making these poor choices.

Our phones are password protected as well as all our other electronics that have internet access. Our TV's are not available from 10:30pm to 6:30am unless you have the pass code. Who is the parent? This seems like a no-brainer. Good luck

No my kids can't get on my phone and use it bc it has a passcode. Can you put a passcode on your phone? My son wishes to text too. Sometimes I will let him text back to a family member for me...but I am sitting right there. He has a lot of friends who already have devices they can text with and he is jealous of that. Yes, tell her what her consequence will be if you catch her doing that again.

My kids NEVER did this because I only ever had a phone with a password which they never had.

When my son was 10 his uncle thought it would be nice for him to have a cell phone. He didn't ask me about it when he got it for him. I just shook my head because I knew what a disaster it was going to be. Uncle had to learn. We laugh about that now and I wasn't too happy when he got it. My son only had it for 3 months. LOL. Which ended up costing his lovely uncle only $1,500.00 of phone bills. Why would a 10 year old understand FREE doesn't mean free forever.

Let her know her behavior with your phone shows you just how immature she is and when she shows more responsibility you will get her a phone. I eased my son into getting prepared for the responsibility of a phone. No matter what you do when you do get her a phone make certain it has unlimited text messaging. This is key.

Because this behavior seems to be sparked by trying to make plans to do fun things, an appropriate consequence is that you cancel the plans that you were attempting to make for her. She doesn't get to go/do the thing.

I tell her if she's going to text anyone she needs to make sure she lets them know it's her and not me.

I wouldn't punish her unless she was mean to someone while pretending to be me.