J.B. asks from Benicia, CA on April 25, 2012
11 Yr Old Boy Has to Be Told to Everything All the Time
my son doesn't take any initiative to do anything, for example I have to tell him to shower, brush his teeth, feed the dog etc.... now he goes to a montessori school where he is resonsible for doing his work, we have had conferences with his teacher and even made up folders where he can put his papers for each subject and included a folder for assignements that need to be turned in.... we also told him to to write the due date on the paper as soon as he gets it. Well, he does not do any of it. Unless we go through his binder every day on my prompting he doesn't do it. His answers to me are always I don't know. I work full time and go to school so I was kind of hoping for him to be a little more self suffcient at this age. His 7 yr old brother has no issue giving me papers form school and school work. At this school there is no homework unless the student doesn't complete in class. He always says he did it.
So, any other moms out there that may have similuar issues and how did you reslove it? What worked for you and your child?
T.L. answers from Minneapolis on April 25, 2012
My son was the same way for awhile and he still has his days, we got him tested to make sure he didn't have ADD(his dad does and said he struggled like that in school) he dosent so I stopped walking behind him and cleaning up after him he started having to take resposiability for his actions. which forced him to step it up and do what he needed to do. Good luck I hope you can find something that works for your family.
2 moms found this helpful
L.A. answers from Austin on April 25, 2012
He sounds like my husband. I have known him since he was 13 and he has always been this way.
He also drove his parents crazy about homework and chores.. He either would not do it. Or he would do the work with them sitting next to him, but he would not turn it in!!!! He can look at anything and tell you how it works and why.. but he hates sitting down and having to write it down. So Math.. he would pass the exams, but would get points taking off because he did not "Show his work"..
He has been diagnosed with ADHD.. and guess what? They never grow out of it. After 30 years of marriage, he has some coping skills.. but to give you an idea.. Trash day has always been on Fridays for us.. It was even Fridays growing up.. He still cannot remember. Every Friday I have to remind him.. Even then, from the front door to the trash can he can still forget. So weekly chores have to be reminded to him each week. If it is you doing it.. and alarm on his computer, his cell phone.. HE needs to be a part of figuring this out.
The good news?.. My husband is able to keep it together at work.. He has always been successful. He even has his own company doing the computer Graphics and photography, he loves so much. . But at home I really need to guide him on things he has no interest in. House work.. Yard work.. etc,,
What I have discovered is to work on one skill at a time.. and have him come up with the solution.
If he has a big project to do, I ask him to tell me about it and then I ask him questions about how is he going to break the project down. Then I ask how I can help him remember.. With technology.. He can now send messages to himself on his iphone. He sets up all sorts of alarms and calendars on his computer, phone and ipad.
See if there is anyway to help him solve these tasks.
I placed a calendar in our bathroom.. I also leave notes for him using post it notes on the bathroom mirror, front door and his keys..
Sometimes I email him..
Eventually by doing this you will help hm figure out the system that works best for him. Step back and observe what does work.. What is the pattern of activity that does work.
Understand this.. He is not doing this to make you mad.. He is doing this because of the wiring in his brain.. He just needs to find a way to survive and then put his own system into action.
I am sending you strength and patience.
2 moms found this helpful
J.H. answers from San Antonio on April 26, 2012
I have three teens and a tween. Two of my three teens went through this at that age, and we still have some issues with it. None of them have ADD or ADHD. They're just normal kids.
This may not be the popular answer, but here it is. Stop telling him to do it and stop getting on him. Then, when he doesn't turn it in, and he starts getting failing grades, ground him. Make him sit at the dining room table until the grade comes up. (Or however you want to do it, but this is how we do it.)
It's called natural consequences. If you don't turn in your homework, you fail. Would rather have him learn that now, or when he's in college? Or worse, when he's out in the real world and has a job?
That's just my humble opinion.
2 moms found this helpful
T.S. answers from Dallas on April 25, 2012
Gosh! I could say the very same thing. My son is 12 and never did anything unless he was told do, showering and any hygeine, homework, getting dressed, feeding the dog, making himself snacks, for a while now. We would have to go through his backpack everynight to clean it / organize it and check for informational papers.
After some advice from his counselor of 3 years (who could not figure him out either) he underwent some testing for psychological concerns and turns out they feel he is mildly depressed and put him on a low dosage of antidepressants. I know our case is different but as his mother, I would have never guessed him as depressed.
That was 3 months ago and he is back to the boy I used to know, very organized and gets his schoolwork done, keeps me informed about school, showers regularly, does his homework, plays with the dog and even walks the neighbors dogs.
If I had to guess I would think this age his hard for boys and they are in the beginning stages of puberty and are honestly questioning things themselves. You may not know what is happening at school in his social life. Maybe he is feeling like he doesnt fit in, maybe he is just questioning his place so I would recommend counseling to help him talk things out.
1 mom found this helpful
S.W. answers from Minneapolis on April 25, 2012
I have a 10 year-old daughter. She has gotten better throughout this year about keeping track of what homework is due, but I still need to ask her every night and every weekend - what does she have to do, how long will it take, does she need to use the computer, does she need any special materials, etc. so that she gets it done. I still tell her when to shower and wash her hair, wash her face, sometimes she will brush her teeth without me telling her. She is still getting used to the fact that her skin and hair are oilier and need to be washed more often. Her chore is to feed the dog and cats around 5:00 each day, and she needs to be reminded.
I think this is normal for this age. But, my daughter will be expected to be more self-sufficient by middle school, so we have one more year to work on that.
I would suggest asking him for his ideas about how to organize his work. My daughter's school gives them each a planner at the beginning of the year and each day they write in their homework and I have to initial it each day (or they miss part of recess).
If your son has a part in solving the problems, he is more likely to follow-through. Remember, that knowledge does not change behavior. His knowing that he's "supposed to" doesn't make him do it, his deciding on small changes day-to-day can work to change behavior.
1 mom found this helpful
K.S. answers from Miami on April 26, 2012
I think alot of it is due to the age. My daughter is the same way. I love her in a minute mom which turns out to be 20 minutes and a reminder from me. They are so into there stuff right now finding their own mind. I have to stop walk to her look her in the face and say no do it now or I've had to set timers and say if its not done no tv or somesuch.. Still even with that there are times she is hearing the timer go off and say I'm going and finally does it lol
M.B. answers from San Francisco on April 27, 2012
We had the same problem until my son was 11 and he is somewhat outgrowing it. Maybe maturity wise he is a little young. Also, my son said that he liked me helping him so I told him that It would really make me happy if he was a little more responsible. I get him to pick out what he is going to wear the next morning and lay it out and put his folder and backpack in front of the door every night. This too, hopefully shall pass!
K.M. answers from Chico on April 27, 2012
Wow, this sounds like my husband! :-/ I'll have to read the answers so I can get some ideas, too.