11 Year Old Who Does Not Want to Leave the House

This doesn't sound like anxiety to me. This sounds like a kid who discovered he is not as good as he thought he was at a sport and is now pouting. He might have some performance anxiety related to the new soccer team, but that doesn't account for his refusal to do anything other than play video games and watch tv. He is 11. He doesn't get to decide whether or not he can watch tv, play video games, go to the therapist. YOU get to decide those things. If it is easier to give him choices then ask if he would rather play soccer for his old team or his new one, or play xxxx new sport/activity, but not playing something is not an option. Take him to the therapist. Don't ask, just take him. He doesn't get to say no. My son went to behavioral therapy when he was 11. He didn't like it and if I had left it up to him he wouldn't have gone, but that wasn't his decision to make - it was mine. It helped him a ton and now at 13 he admits it was the right thing to do.

If he's complaining and nagging, that's interesting to me - because he's not actually afraid, it seems. He doesn't get agitated or sit in a corner, he doesn't shake or cry, he's just complaining. That says to me it's not anxiety.

Now, why he doesn't want to play with the team is another story. He willingly went to the practices, wanted to join, etc. So that doesn't sound like anxiety. He didn't want to work as hard as the coach expected, or he found that the other kids were really good and he felt he didn't measure up. That's either fear of failure (which is different from anxiety) or a lack of desire to work at the higher level of this more competitive team. Sometimes kids who are "the best" at their sport (or theater or debate or karate….) get freaked out when they get in with other kids who are just as good or better.

He's also fighting you on the therapist. Unless there is a major stumbling block or there was an episode, it sounds like he doesn't want to work at that either.

I would absolutely talk to the therapist, but if this were a kid without anxiety or any other psychologist issue, I'd say that you have extremely limited screen time (games, computer, TV) and a requirement of X amount of time outside (and type of physical activity) or playing something creative (Legos, art, anything) and reading (doesn't matter what - just reading). At 11, he's too big for you to carry out the door, so all you can do is take away the stuff and tell him he sits on his bed until he does one of the acceptable activities for the designated amount of time. If he complains, the clock goes back to zero. He will only be able to do that for a half hour and then he'll cave.

You HAVE to be emotionally ready to be the parent here, not his friend. I know it's hard, and it does seem easier to give in. But that's doing it because it's for YOU, not what's best for HIM. You will create a situation where he is ruling the roost. He will learn that complaining is an effective strategy. That will backfire immensely and you will have an even worse situation when he is 13 and 15 and 17. You have to turn a deaf ear to it, tell him you have heard his wishes and you aren't agreeing to them, and no amount of complaining will change your mind. In fact, it will make things worse. For example, let's say you allow 2 hours of screen time a day in the summer. Every time he nags, you take away a half hour. 4 bouts of complaining, and he's done for the day with zero time. If he keeps it up anyway, start taking away from tomorrow's allowance too - or the whole week. If he gives you the "I'm bored" speech, have a list available of stuff he can do - laundry, weed pulling, lawn mowing, toilet cleaning, floor washing, etc. Stuff that has to get done anyway so he might as well since he is bored and you are busy. Be willing to walk away from the argument - don't engage once you each have stated your position.

But since he has a therapist, I'd discuss this with her/him first and make a plan you can stick to. The child is not in charge though - he does not get to decide what he does all day. Don't forget that you are building a man here! "I am the parent" - that is your mantra!

Take away the tv and video games (and cell phone and any other device (iPads, etc).
They are not a right.
They are a privilege that he must constantly earn with good behavior.
What should you do when you take his entertainment away?
Wear ear plugs!
He's 11 - he does not get to call the shots about whether he sees a therapist or not.
It really sounds like he's got too much power in your house - you've given it to him - and you need to take it back and be the parent.
Being a parent isn't always about making the kids happy.
You sometimes have to make the tough/unpopular decisions for the kids own good.

Diane is giving you excellent advise. Really and truly, if you don't step up and rule your household, you will have a heck of a terrible life when he is an older teen.

He has to earn tv and game time. Pure and simple. These are his "currency". He's not lazy when he's doing this. Don't allow him to pull the wool over your eyes here. If he can do the things he likes, it's behavioral.

It sounds to me like he's sulking/pouting. In that case, I think you need to get tough with him mama. You may not feel "ready" to do battle, but with kids you can't pick when it's convenient or comfortable, unfortunately. The fact that he is "refusing" to see the therapist, and you seem a little afraid of him, raises red flags. He's not in charge - you are. I know it's hard. But you've got to get tough mama. He's 11 not 21. If you feel he needs to go to therapy, he goes to therapy. If he sits there and sulks the entire time, that's ok. He still goes. That's the therapist's problem. That's what they get paid to deal with and to figure out. Let them do their job. But yes, I'd definitely start by taking away electronics for poor behavior - "refusing" to go to therapy is a discipline-worthy offense. Loss of privileges. That's one example. How you deal with the sports issue is up to you. Bottom line, if electronics are his medium, use it. He has to earn them by correct behavior. Get tough! You can do it!

I think if you let it rest here, then he will learn that when the going gets rough, he can bough out... At some point, he needs to look the beast in the face (by that I don't mean the coach :) and face and process all his feelings..
In the past and most likely in the future, my son hasn't wanted to do certain things but we have made him.... example.. he didn't get into tennis because it was filled up, so we suggested Frisbee (something he has liked in the past) at first, he agreed, then a week before said he wasn't feeling up to it and he'd just wait until fall to take a sport.. good thing my husband stepped in, he said... I want you to try it.. it's only for this amount of time and it will be good for you.. my son went and wasn't too pleased at first, but it turned out that he liked it and then signed up for yet another sports camp.. this one, Lacrosse, something he told me he'd never do..
point it.. sometimes kids need a push...
what are the chances of your son, you and the coach sitting down and talking it out. perhaps the coach can explain to your son his coaching style and let your son know that hey, it's nothing personal....
Communication could be the key here... it's important to break this habit now of "my way or the highway... " and throwing in the towel... there are some adults who still think like this and believe me, I think life is probably pretty hard for them at times.. all this, due to being stubborn...
your son just needs a new perspective and a new way of handling situations.. however, he IS young so he needs an adult to show him the way..
I'd speak with the coach and get his opinion. this is not the first time that the coach has probably dealt with something like this. the coach just might have some good suggestions..

good luck

One way to make anxiety worse is to pander to it. (Advice from an anxiety sufferer.)

I think you should make a deal with him that if he is going to play all the video games, he needs to stick with the soccer. He needs to get out and get some exercise, and he especially needs to learn to deal with coaches "picking on him" without quitting.

This is a really important time in your son's life for him to learn to have tenacity. Especially since he's good at soccer, you need to get him back on the team. I'd tell my son -- No soccer, no videogames. And then I wouldn't let him play one videogame until he got bored enough that he was willing to go back to soccer. I bet that takes about, oh, two days. Three max. And once he's playing soccer again, don't worry about the amount of gaming during summer. As long as he's doing something physical too.

Get that kid back into soccer, whatever it takes! And I don't think this sounds like anxiety.

Sounds to me like he had a set back on this competitive team.

I totally agree with Diane B. It's really h*** o* a kid's ego sometimes to go from being good at a sport in rec league, to being on a competitive team. They may feel insecure and uneasy, and if they say the coach is criticizing them, usually that's just their own fears/insecurities coming out.

I would encourage him to keep with it - but offer lots of support. Have a really honest conversation about what happened at soccer. If he really doesn't want to do it (often they'll just say they now hate the sport, when really they just don't like feeling like a failure - even if they're not) - then could you try going back to the old soccer level? And support him there?

It would be good to get it sorted out - because it's quite a good lesson to show them that sometimes when we try new goals, if they don't work out, we don't give up. Especially if it's something he enjoyed so much.

I'd say he's just upset about it. May be emotional (preteen) and just in a slump. If he loved soccer and felt it was his thing, this can be a blow to his ego and confidence. That can affect his other interests, friendships, etc.

As for anxiety - I know what you mean (I think). One of mine tried a new sport and had a total panic attack when he bombed his first session. It was fear of looking awful in front of peers I think .. but it was a bit of a meltdown. We just addressed his fear and asked him to give it 2 more weeks. By the end of it, he felt capable and stuck with it.

As for getting him out of the house - can you provide some summer things to go - like the pool, etc. mentioned below? I think that's a good idea. Or having a friend over, or offering to take him and a friend to movie, or something? Just to get him over this slump. Then tough love I'm afraid.

As for being mentally prepared to deal with his emotions - good luck :) It's hard I know. If he's not willing to go to the therapist, maybe you could have a session so they can give you some tools as a parent to cope with this and going forward.

Good luck :)

I wouldn't necessarily take away the TV or video games but I'd certainly limit them. You decide how much time is appropriate and set the timer on your cell phone.

I would also give him the opportunity to earn more TV/ video time by behaving himself. "Yesterday you were cooperative and helpful at the grocery store so I'll give you X extra minutes on the Wii" or "Earlier when I asked you to make your bed and you pitched a fit? I'm sorry but that cost you X minutes of PlayStation time".

Not sure what to do with him once you've taken away the electronics? Make cookies, invite a friend over, take a walk, go to the library (ours has a kids summer reading program where they earn prizes for reading books), help him plan dinner then shop and cook it together, visit museums, the beach, make a picnic lunch and go to the park, volunteer somewhere. The idea is to show him that doing stuff is just as fun as playing Wii.

I found interesting your comment about being ready to do battle with him. He is 11 and you are the parent. You have more power than you realize to turn his behavior around. You have to decide to ignore his whining and complaining and he'll figure out that behavior doesn't get him more TV time (or he loses TV time because of it) and it will change. You have to be more stubborn than he is. And if you think standing up to the whining of an 11 year old is hard, what do you think its going to be like when he's 16 and bigger than you?

He needs to have something to do everyday. if I were you, I would find a camp and sign him up. Otherwise, join a pool and go there daily.

Have you called and talked to the therapist? Is there a particular reason he doesn't want to go? I would also suggest seeing a psychiatrist to see if there is something medically going on with him. Does he take any anxiety meds? Does he need to? I think that there is a lot going on here, and that I don't know exactly what would help. I am so sorry that this is driving you crazy. I agree someplace to go everyday is a good idea.

Summer is about half over. I'd probably feel the same way. I have one that I'd gladly hand him an electronic device if I needed to do anything.

I feel your pain and uncertainty. I think you need to "reward" him with time on the electronic things but not take them away completely.

For instance, when he gets up he has to eat and do some chores, then he's rewarded with an hour of play time. Then it goes off and he needs to go run errands with you. IF IF IF he complains he loses time in the afternoon on the electronic devices. Kids like this don't often "get" time. So I take away 5 minutes at a time. Seriously, it's like I told him I'm sending the devices to China and they'll be gone a month.

He hears "lose XXXXXX time" and the world ends for him. I can handle taking it for a few minutes but I can't handle hours or days without.

The first few times it's a learning experience. He's going to test you and do stuff that's out there, just to see if you will keep your word.

When it's time for him to have afternoon time I say "It's time for you to have the device. Do you remember how much time you lost because you XXX, and WWW, and OOO?" The screaming will start and life will be unpleasant for a while but it's a teaching time, not punishment.

When he's calm he understands he did something and lost time, not I'm being mean and took his toy.

So do this slow and make sure you are able to take a moment and remember "This is to teach him and help him be more social". Then you will have a longer patience factor.

He can earn "more time" too, if you limit him to a certain amount. By going with you and not complaining and by participating.

But I think I'd probably hibernate the rest of this summer and let him do stuff and then when school starts I'd start with restrictions. He can earn time on the XXX when his chores are done. He can earn EXTRA time by doing his room, picking up dirty clothes throughout the house, taking out the trash, dusting, practicing piano, etc...

Doesn't he have friends in the neighborhood? I would see if he could hang with some friends to try to get him out of the funk.

I would not want him to play video games all day but it is summer after all. Maybe see if he will compromise first. Tell him, hey, we are going to the pool today and will be back by 3:00. So if you go with us and have a good attitude, you can come home and play video games until dinner time. Otherwise, I will have to take them away from you until you decide you can be in a better mood and have some fun. Good luck.

Please clarify -- you mention that he "suffers from anxiety" and say he's refusing to see a therapist. The mention of the therapist suggests to me that he has been medically diagnosed with anxiety -- is that right? Or if he has not been diagnosed, are you assuming this is anxiety, based on what your own therapist (who has not seen him) is telling you? It would help to know if there is a formal diagnosis from a professional here, or if this is your own interpretation. I am not saying you're wrong; he may indeed have real anxiety. But how you proceed really should depend on whether he is found to have anxiety by a professional (in which case you should be getting this advice about TV time, games, etc. from a professional) or whether he just seems anxious to you but doesn't have an anxiety disorder and instead is just figuring out how to get what he wants from you.

If he's already seen a professional and been diagnosed -- A child of 11 does not get to "refuse" to do anything like seeing a therapist. You take him and take him and even if he sits there saying nothing, a good therapist who is experienced with kids this age is going to be able to start drawing him out. Surely you wouldn't let your son refuse to be hauled to the pediatrician if he was physically sick, so don't let him refuse to go to a therapist.

You do not mention a spouse or significant other or whether his father is in the picture at all. If his dad is in your lives, where is dad in all this? If dad's present, he should be working with you and, yes, should be right there in the car when you both, together, take your son to a therapist If that is what's needed. If dad is not around, you might need a support system (the pediatrician, friends, other relatives?) because you sound frazzled ("I don't know if I'm emotionally ready to do battle with him" is a red flag that son is in control here, and you know it).

Are you working with your own therapist on the fact you're afraid to deal with your son more firmly? What does your own therapist say about the idea that your son is being allowed to refuse therapy--and can your therapist help you get him some?