I do not co-sleep. Mainly because I am a light-sleeper that can't sleep with another person I have to hold and I like to sleep on my stomach. My son has never slept in our bed but I reluctantly have to admit I let him nurse himself to sleep half the time and my husband sits with him the other half of the time in our bed. But until recently we'd put him in his bed afterwards and he was just fine most of the night (he has always woken up 1-2 times during the night). About a month ago, it was like a light switch - suddenly he refuses to sleep in his crib, jolting awake if we even set him in it. The few times he stays asleep initially he wakes up fifteen or twenty minutes later screaming as if someone was coming at him with a hatchet. He out screams our tolerance level and even worse than that he screams until he can't breathe and he seems to be having a full-fledged panic attack. It has escalated to the point where he won't even nap by himself anymore. I can't get anything done because he won't sleep in his crib and I am severely sleep-deprived. I've tried everything from staying in the room with him to lavender baths/lotion to reading to letting him cry.
Any suggestions from some of the moms out there that don't recommend just crying it out? I've cared for many babies and even let them cry a little (which always worked after five minutes and they learned), but I've never had one where it escalates into a panic attack. I really, really cannot continue with him sleeping in the bed with us every night, I'm exhausted all the time and it's affecting our marriage.
ETA: There is no room at all for a crib or even a co-sleeper crib. We have a queen bed that takes up most of the room with little clearance. We've also tried a machine that makes noise (white noise, music, etc), a ceiling fan with a light switch dimmer remote. Thank you Marie C. we will definitely try the others though.
We used the Ferber method, it worked for us. He was crying all the time, and none of us were getting any sleep, so we reckoned we had nothing to loose. It was a hard couple of nights, but he learned to self soothe, and it's been largely smooth sailing since.
Best,
F. B.
Could you move his crib into your room? If you put the crib right next to your bed, you would still have your space, but the proximity may help him sleep. You could even try taking off one side of his crib, and pushing it right up against your bed. That way, you can get him to fall asleep in bed with you, then shift him over into his own. If that works, you may be able to gradually get him sleeping with the bar back on, then further away from the bed until he is back in his own room.
Or, maybe ditch the crib. Make sure you make his room safe enough that he could wander it unattended (secure all furniture to the wall, baby gate/locks on the closet/drawers, etc.) then just put his mattress straight on the ground. My dd was out of her crib around 15 months, and went through a phase when she couldn't sleep on her bed, but passed out right away on the floor.
Or, see about a new mattress pad/fold a blanket under the sheets. Maybe the change in texture will make enough difference.
Or, even a new lovey/novelty that only lives in the crib. The light-up pillow pet worked wonders when my daughter went on a sleep strike. She has one that projects stars on the ceiling, and it cycles slowly through colors for 10 minutes. She would watch them until she fell asleep. :)
Have you tried white noise? A little fan would help, or even a white noise app if you have a smartphone. (There are plenty of free ones out there.) if it helps, the. You could try getting a white noise machine.
Definitely check out his ears. This happened with my daughter. She had no other obvious symptoms and had infection in both ears. When they lie down, the pressure builds and causes pain.
CIO does not mean leaving him to cry. There Iis a form whose name I don't remember. Let him cry briefly. Go in, pat him, soothe him and then leave. When he starts to cry wait a bit before going in to soothe. Gradually increase the amount of time between going in. I've never done this but I've read that in a short period of time baby is able to go to sleep and stay asleep. A part of the reason this works is that baby learns that you will respond.
I suggest this is a developmental thing and has nothing to do with the crib. He's becoming aware that he's a separate being from you.
What I described is called the Ferber method.
Re: temper tantrums. I see them a bit differently than many do. I suggest they happen when a child has strong emotions that they don't know how to handle. Our response is to teach them how to manage their feelings. Just as when and adult is very angry we learn that to try to stop their anger only escalates their actions. So we step back, be sure the child won't hurt themselves and wait the tantrum out. Once the tantrum is mostly over with only sobs remaining we reassure the child. These strong emotions are frightening to the child. He needs to know he's ok and loved.
If we give the child the object or action they tantrumed about they learn that having a tantrum gets them what they want and what started out as overwhelming feelings becomes a way to manipulate.
Notice I say child. I suggest a baby, 11 months old, is mostly still dealing with learning to trust. Yes, they can learn to manipulate to get what they want. However, we must first know their reason for intense crying. When they can't have a toy then there anger is a tantrum. However, I suggest when the crying is the result of being put to bed even when there is a change if routine we are asking the baby to be alone with their feelings which is really scary. A baby is more vulnerable than a child. If mommy and daddy leave I will die. A baby has very little intellectual development.
Thus, our goal is to get baby to sleep in own bed AND help them feel safe. I suggest Ferber does this. I also agree with those who decide to meet baby's need for a sense of security in other ways. There is not one right way. What I think is most important is to consider emotional and physical needs of both baby and parent.
I think Marie gave you some great ideas. He doesn't have to sleep in a crib, you just don't want him to sleep with you :-) My boys didn't sleep in cribs very much at all, but they did sleep in many other places (swing, carseat, our bed). I would definitely try a mattress on the floor (so if he rolls out he won't hurt himself). A mattress on the floor is a great first "big boy bed." I liked it because I could very easily lie down next to them and snuggle or pat their back or sing - basically help them relax so that they could fall asleep.
We did cosleep. But we also have a king, so a little more room. Just a thought, have you tried just letting him sleep in between the two of you? I was confused by your statement that you "can't sleep with another person I have to hold and I like to sleep on my stomach." I like to sleep on my stomach, as well, and our boys always slept in between us. Neither of us held them at night.
I think Marda is right that this might be more developmental and not so much about the crib. It's very natural at his age to want to be near Mommy and Daddy. Nighttime is very scary for little ones, especially as their imaginations develop.
I think you've gotten some great ideas. Good luck! Hope you get some more sleep soon.
What Marie says. If you can child proof your room, could you try a small mat on the floor. My son spent a lot of time napping on one of those yoga/gymnastics mats when he was little.
Try the technique where you sit in the floor while he's in his crib.
Allow him to see your profile but do NOT speak.
Bathe, feed, read, then pop him Into the crib with "Time to sleep, nitey nite!"
Slowly inch toward the door every 5-10 minutes or so til you're out.
Sorry but I would take him to ped to rule out ear infection etc then CIO with hubby going in at 5-10 min intervals. Also, put down awake, I have had habit of nurse to sleep and it isn't good. Could u pump a bottle and have hubby feed then put in awake? GL.
I agree with the ear infection possibility. Sometimes they can be silent with no obvious symptoms. My daughter would suddenly sleep horribly- turns out it was an ear infection and we had no idea since she showed really no symptoms.
Also, has his bed time or nap time changed? Sometimes that can be enough to set off a change in sleeping behavior.
Sometimes they just go through these phases for no apparent reason. At his age, he should be able to self-soothe. However, developmental milestones can interrupt the best sleeping child. It always passes but not without some wear and tear on mom and dad. :)
Hate to sY it, but once you let him in your bed, it will be even harder to get him back into his crib. Try a pack n play in his room. If that doesn't work put it in your room. Then I guess you would have to go to bed when he does. I would not get rid if crib. It's a phase and will get better. You can try going in after a few minutes, rub his back, soothe him. Leave. It will take some time but he will figure it out good luck.
Honey, this is what you are calling a panic attack. It's not. It's a tantrum. If you think that an 11 month old can't have a tantrum, you're naive. (It's okay to be naive about kids. It's not like we automatically know everything just because we give birth.)
Your child has figured out what works. What works is that he scares you into giving in to him. You've already allowed him to rule the roost with all the attention your husband has given him, sitting with him on the bed. Therefore he doesn't know how to self soothe. You will either have to let him learn, or you will not sleep.
If he will not stay in the crib and can climb out of it, then you have to remove the crib. Put the crib mattress in the floor and baby-proof the room. Either use a baby gate or turn the doorknob around so that you can lock the door from the outside. It is a SAFETY ISSUE, preventing your child from wandering the house at night. You mustn't let him do that.
If you think that you can get him to sleep in the crib, and if you dearly want him to continue for a while (the best thing for you all), try this for an entire week. When he starts screaming, either you or your husband (or take turns) go in and sit on the floor and put your hand inside the slats and touch his leg. DO NOT PICK HIM UP. Do not talk to him. Don't have eye contact. ALL you do is touch his leg. At some point he will lay down to be closer to you. Let him cry, cry, cry. Don't do anything but touch his leg. This "panic attack" is a learned behavior. That's all it is. You have taught him that it works. Now let him learn that it doesn't. It may take HOURS before he goes to sleep. Make him get up same time every morning and only nap as long as he is supposed to. I promise you that the crying jags will get shorter if you are 100% consistent about all this. And in a week, you won't be spending nearly the amount of time you are now cajoling him to sleep. Eventually he'll stop waking up.
The other thing doing this will do is teach him to stop acting like this with the crying. You need to IGNORE this kind of behavior. If he throws himself in the floor or does anything to scare you, put him in a playpen and just go about your business, pretending that he isn't crying. Put earplugs in your ears if you have to. When he stops crying, come over to him and pick him up and give him hugs and give him a toy to play with. DON'T give in to what it is that he wanted before.
After he learns that the "panic attack" mode doesn't work, you will be better able to do what most parents do with a child this age - re-direct, re-direct, re-direct. And when YOU stop acting like your child is having panic attacks, you'll all be happier.
Truely, mom, children WANT limits. They need them, that's for sure. But if you don't provide CONSISTENT limits, they will wear you out with constant and illogical demands. You don't know that yet because your child is too young to do this, but keep up what you're doing, and this is what you will have.
Good luck...
If he is crying that hard maybe he is in pain, like acid reflux or gas? That was the only time I remember my son's crying being so frightening.
I don't believe in letting any child "cry it out", IMHO its pointless and cruel and only reaches them that they can't trust the people they should trust the most and that love means abandonment. What you are describing the "screaming" (not just crying or whimpering), the panic attack like symptoms remind me of my own child and believe me NO ONE understood. This is an intense situation that people don't get unless they've been there and they tend to blame the mother for being wishy washy. I am so sorry for your sleepless nights. Remember to always "believe in baby's cries". A child this age doesn't know how to manipulate and don't believe anyone that tells you so. Read Dr. Sears.
Your child may have some pain, sleeping flat on a mattress in a crib vs sleeping "on" another person puts his body in a different position entirely and that may alleviate the reflux or gas, etc. My son had severe gas and laying in my lap or draped over me was the perfect position. There is no way to reproduce it artificially without it being dangerous. He grew out of it at 16 months with the help of Mirilax along the way. You may want to see a pediatric gastroenterologist.
Good luck
do not give in to him sleeping with you. In fact from this point on I would nurse him somewhere else and never let him there. Other people had good advice about what else to do. I know you are exhausted and my child acted like this too and they do get over it. Check out all medical things and then be strong. You are doing fine but they can be very strong willed and it is just the beginning.
