Helping Siblings Get Along
Do your kids argue with each other all the time? Is it driving you nuts?
It does not feel like a sacred family with all that going on, right?
Because all siblings argue to some degree many parents get led to believe that this is just one of the many hardships of raising kids. I have talked to so many parents who believe that their kids have never gotten along and never will. For some, because they have accepted this, they don’t ever do anything about it. How can their family ever be sacred when a portion of their members rarely get along?
These poor kids. They didn’t choose to live together. They are forced to share their things and their space. Every time they turn around the other sibling is right there. Family trips? They’re there. Rides to school? They’re there. Even when it’s Saturday morning “clean the house” day, somehow they’re stuck even doing that together.
It’s not that it isn’t impossible for them to get along and even be great friends (most of the time). In fact, I think the harmony that siblings can live in is a beautiful example of how people with different personalities and interests can love and live together. My eight-year-old girly, dramatic, into American Girl Dolls daughter and my six-year-old bug loving, Lego building, video game obsessed son are somehow very best of friends (usually). They have learned how to enter into each other’s world and enjoy spending time together. One of the things I love about them the most is how much they love each other.
But anyone who has to spend so much time together and share so much is going to get irritated with each other on occasion. I absolutely adore my husband, but there are definitely times he can irritate me. I’m sure he can say the same about me. At least we have a lot more freedom and ways of handling those times of irritation than our kids do.
So, how do we help bring some of the sacredness back into our home? Here’s some quick thoughts and suggestions for helping your children get along.
* Don’t solve your kids problems and disagreements for them. It seems the easiest solution at the time. Swoop in, take the object away that is causing the problems. Send them somewhere else. Lock them in their rooms for the rest of their lives. OK. Maybe not that last one, but it may have crossed your mind. Instead, teach them how to solve their problems without you. Encourage them to come up with several ideas for how they could solve the problem and then they both have to agree on a solution. If they can’t, they have to keep thinking. Solving problems effectively is not an innate ability. Kids have to learn the skills. If we’re always doing it for them, they’re not going to learn how to do it for themselves and argue and argue until you come in (or tattle to bring you in) to solve the problem. Yes, this will take more of your time at first, but it will save time in the long run once your kids don’t have to rely on you to solve their problems all the time because they can do it on their own. * Do not tolerate them mistreating each other. Let them know that even when we’re frustrated with someone we still need to love them and treat them with kindness and respect. Give immediate consequences to any family member who mistreats someone else in words or deed. This could be a time out, loss of participation for a period of time, etc.One simple and effective consequence is Say Three Nice Things. Each child has to say three nice things to the other before they can move on. Don’t be picky on what they say. Sometimes they’ll say things like, “I like your shirt.” ”I like how good you are at video games.” etc. That’s OK for now as long as it’s not a backhanded compliment or has nothing to do with the other child. Do however, require that they look at the person they are speaking to. The great thing about this consequence is it makes everyone feel good, it’s quick and easy to implement, and you can have the kids do it as many times as it takes for them to get the idea that being nasty to each other means they’re going to have to be three times as nice.
* Be consistent in your expectations on how the kids need to treat each other. It’s easy to yell across the house, “Hey! Cut that out!” or “You guys, stop arguing!” It’s easy to find ourselves yelling that over and over again, pleading with them to stop. Threatening them to stop but not really ever giving them a reason to stop. Don’t beg and plead. It gives you a headache. Set the clear boundary and follow through. The more consistent you are with this the easier it becomes. Eventually, your kids will realize that it’s more beneficial to solve their problems, use kinder words and stop arguing with each other as soon as Mom or Dad tells them to than to go through any of the consequences that will be implemented. * Be Proactive! Before they set up the game. Before they go outside to ride their scooters. Before they pull out the dolls and blocks. Have them tell you how they intend to play with each other. Ask them what they are going to do if they have a disagreement. Make a plan ahead of time to reduce the chances of playing defense. * Provide time when they can be individuals without their siblings. Have regular one-on-one time with each child. Allow them to have space that is just theirs, if possible, or set up time when they can have access to a space in the house by themselves. For instance, let them play in their room without being disturbed for an hour. Teach your kids to ask for time alone. However, also teach them they can’t manipulate asking for time alone just so they can get out of sharing and playing when they don’t feel like it. Sometimes, just like all of us, they have to play or share even when they don’t feel like it.These are just a few thoughts to get you started. What other questions do you have? Do you believe it’s possible for your kids to get along and actually become friends?
Tara R Wood, M.A., CGE is an author and educator providing skills and strategies on how to create a sacred family. Tara holds a Masters in Child Development and a Psychology degree with an emphasis in Marriage and Family Services. Tara and her husband currently live in Hudson, OH with their three children. You can join her as she pursues the sacredness of family on her blog, taraRwood.com, or interacts with parents on her taraRwood Facebook page.
